tinybudda Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Here's the scenario... I've been dating my current gf for about 3 months. This is a lesbian relationship, not my first by any means, but just to clarify that I am also female. I could write a very long post about this whole situation but that seems quite tedious so instead I will just hit the key notes and offer more info later if needed. In the beginning we had a magnetic attraction for one another. Both of us were more than happy to spend all of our free time together, we just couldn't get enough of each other. Problem is, after about a month of that I quite honestly got burnt out. My life was being neglected, I felt smothered...it just wasn't a sustainable situation for me. We had a serious conversation about it in which I voiced my concerns. At first my gf was incredibly upset by my request for more space, stating she thought it was "weird to go backwards" in our relationship. After lots of discussion and giving her time to think it over she said she decided she understood my need for space and agreed it would be healthy for us to have more time to ourselves. Awesome! Same page...so I thought. Fast forward to months two and three of our relationship. While she is doing much better about giving me the space I requested, it's becoming quite obvious that she's not really ok with it. I still see her quite often, usually at least 4 times a week, and when I do she basically smothers me with affection because it's been a whole day or two since I've seen her. She has to be in constant physical contact with me, which is overwhelming and quite honestly unattractive. We've had numerous talks about this, because she feels quite hurt when I don't return her affections. I've told her that I am not naturally a super affectionate person and that at times I feel overwhelmed by her attention, making me not want to be affectionate or sexual with her. Her response is always "But you weren't like that when we met", and in her defense that's a true statement. It just seemed different when we first met, like my affections and attention were things that she greatly enjoyed and appreciated...not things she couldn't live without. I feel so much pressure to be madly passionate about her that I just don't feel passionate about her at all. I can't seem to get this through to her no matter how I try. Even putting it in the kindest way I know how, she's always hurt...often she cries which makes me feel even worse about the whole situation. I feel awful about it because I can tell she's not happy. I want to make this work because I do like her and want nothing more than to feel that intense connection I had with her in the beginning, I just feel like her expectations are unrealistic and unhealthy, not only of me but of any partner she may have in the future. Is there any way to work this out or are we fighting for a lost cause?
ja123 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 You might want to look up the "5 love languages" just to determine which is each of your languages in order to work on things together and get needs fulfilled. The relationship is still new, though. Does she meet the criteria of someone you want to be in a relationship with (apart from her need for more contact) - similar values and life goals?
jaycee1 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 That is a hard situation to be in, when you care for someone but their actions push you away. The way it is going, in long term I would say it would be hard to keep going because of differences. But if she is willing to work on herself then maybe she can accept and be secure in relationship without the smothering. She is looking to you to "make" her happy, when she should be looking at herself. It is that insecurity that makes her so needy. Maybe try and talk to her to reassure her again that you are still committed and care but the level of affection she looks for is not sustainable for you. Good book I think would help is The mastery of love from Don Miguel Ruiz. Its a short book but it explains the concept of self love and how looking to others to make you happy will only cause problems.
Author tinybudda Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Ja123- This was genuine gold, the 5 love languages. I just took the quiz and discovered mine was acts of service (with a whopping 11 pts). Just emailed her the link to the page, but I can already guess just based on her common complaints that her language would be physical touch...which is my absolute lowest score with a measly 1 pt. It's slightly discouraging but at least it gives me some kind of starting point at a line of communication on the matter. Apart from this issue (dominating as it seems to be) we are quite compatible. Jaycee- This is exactly how I've been feeling...as if she is looking at me to "make" her happy. Great to hear that I'm not crazy or insensitive for feeling that way. These differences in a long term situation have been what give me doubts our relationship. Thank you for the sound advice and the book recommendation. I'm an avid reader and always interested in these things, hopefully it will give me some good insight!
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