chocfudge Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Hello everyone! I'm in a complicated and confusing situation at the moment and I would like some advice. So, I met this guy 6 months ago and we hit it off straight away. We texted a lot and on the first night we went out we had a bit too much to drink and ended up sleeping together. At that time, I had just broken up with my ex of 5 years and he was also going through a rough time with his also long-term ex (whom he has now broken up with 3 months ago). Neither of us wanted a relationship, so we carried on with a friends with benefits type of relationship. But we have a weird fwb situation as we always turn to each other for comfort and support with each relationship/life problems and we cuddle/etc). For the past 3 weeks, he has started texting me more often, has asked me out for dinner (I declined at the time), have started hanging out more during day time, has started being more sweet like giving me random squeezes and kisses me out of nowhere, and he calls me almost everyday. We have both even showed interests for plans for a concert in 2 months time and for a holiday in Amsterdam. He has also expressed that he would like to continue seeing me even after we graduate from university. And we have both confessed that we are not seeing other people. So, I guess now we are 'seeing' each other, right? One of the things that worries me is that we come from two different backgrounds, even though we have a lot common interests and deep way of thinking about life. For example, he comes from the 'hood' while I'm from the 'posh' suburbs so our friendship circles are very different. Although, he has amazing people skills and is very popular so he is friends and gets on really well with all types of people. The second is that he is very flaky. He would make plans but will often cancel last minute. I know that he is busy with work and is very popular so he always gets caught up with other plans but I just find it disrespectful and I feel that I am not a priority. Is this a red flag to dump him? The third is that he wants to keep this relationship private. He is a very private person, and I think he was like this too with his ex. We have just started seeing each other so maybe it's still in the early days of introducing each other to our friendship groups. On top of that, he has just broken up with his gf of 3 years 3 months ago so maybe it's still too early? But, again, I can't help but feel that this is a red flag and that he might be embarassed of me or something like that because we are different? Or am I just being paranoid? In addition, in one of our heart to heart conversations, he said that he liked me very much and finds me special. Although when describing our relationship, he used the word 'companions' but he did say he likes where he is at right now and would like to see where this is going. So, I would like some of your guys opinions on this relationship. The fact that he is flaky and wants to keep this private, makes me think that he is just using me and is just playing the field. But, he acts really nice and very sweet when we're together which makes me think otherwise. What do you think he meant by 'companions'? Or am I just overthinking things and should understand the fact that we have both come out of long term relationships and are just taking things slow? Sorry for such a long post. Hope it all made sense!
LustAppeal Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 All try and answer as many of your questions as possible. What does he mean by companion? No clue, being a companion is part of being in a relationship... But it also takes play within friends, friends with benefits, work partners, family members, pet dogs, and so much more. To form a relationship you need allot more than just "Companionship." I can't read his mind, body language, or what not, the only way you'll find out what he means is if you sit down and ask him(in person). If you're looking for a relationship maybe it's time you have the talk. Should understand the fact that we have both come out of long term relationships and are just taking things slow? This really comes down to so many factors. Everyone says don't date after you have just gotten out of a long term relationship, but few really understand why. You don't date after a long term relationship because you could be emotionally unstable at the time, you could need some time to find yourself again, and you may need to do some repairing if you were hurt. So how do you know if you're ready to be in a relationship again? Easy, you're ready for a relationship when you know what you want within the relationship, and when you have grown as a person focusing on not the past or the future, but the now. If you've burned your demons, if you have no regrets, when you know what you truly value, and when you know who YOU are, that's when you're ready to date again. This could take days for some people, or years for others. You decide when you're ready, no one else! I know that he is busy with work and is very popular so he always gets caught up with other plans but I just find it disrespectful and I feel that I am not a priority. Is this a red flag to dump him? Depends on what you consider a red flag, if he's canceling plans with you now and you're having a hard time with it, do you think he'll stop while in a committed relationship. Maybe you're not compatible in that area. If you want to work with it, don't open up your schedule for him, make him realize that if he wants to see you he needs to make time for you. He wants to keep this relationship private. You need to dig into this, yes as a male I have male parts and a male brain... But that doesn't mean I know how he feels, what he's going through, or what his intentions are. After reading your post I get the feeling you really want something more, you're ready for a relationship, and you want to be with this man. So saying that, have the "where are we/What are we?" talk with him, if he see's you as a friend, please please please stop the FWB thing and move forward to find a relationship. FWBs work, but only when the feelings between the two are strictly friends, it'll rip you apart if you fall for him and he wants to be just a FWB. Hope this helps.
Hopeful30 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Sounds to me like he just doesn't want to be alone and uses you to fill that hole. That's why he keeps you private. He doesn't want to display he's in a relationship, he just wants someone around for when he's feeling lonely or blue. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Sounds to me like he just doesn't want to be alone and uses you to fill that hole. That's why he keeps you private. He doesn't want to display he's in a relationship, he just wants someone around for when he's feeling lonely or blue. Yes, I think it's either this or he's seeing other girls. Doesn't want them to know he has a side-piece, and vice versa. 1
torturedartist Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Hello everyone! I'm in a complicated and confusing situation at the moment and I would like some advice. So, I met this guy 6 months ago and we hit it off straight away. We texted a lot and on the first night we went out we had a bit too much to drink and ended up sleeping together. At that time, I had just broken up with my ex of 5 years and he was also going through a rough time with his also long-term ex (whom he has now broken up with 3 months ago). Neither of us wanted a relationship, so we carried on with a friends with benefits type of relationship. But we have a weird fwb situation as we always turn to each other for comfort and support with each relationship/life problems and we cuddle/etc). For the past 3 weeks, he has started texting me more often, has asked me out for dinner (I declined at the time), have started hanging out more during day time, has started being more sweet like giving me random squeezes and kisses me out of nowhere, and he calls me almost everyday. We have both even showed interests for plans for a concert in 2 months time and for a holiday in Amsterdam. He has also expressed that he would like to continue seeing me even after we graduate from university. And we have both confessed that we are not seeing other people. So, I guess now we are 'seeing' each other, right? One of the things that worries me is that we come from two different backgrounds, even though we have a lot common interests and deep way of thinking about life. For example, he comes from the 'hood' while I'm from the 'posh' suburbs so our friendship circles are very different. Although, he has amazing people skills and is very popular so he is friends and gets on really well with all types of people. The second is that he is very flaky. He would make plans but will often cancel last minute. I know that he is busy with work and is very popular so he always gets caught up with other plans but I just find it disrespectful and I feel that I am not a priority. Is this a red flag to dump him? The third is that he wants to keep this relationship private. He is a very private person, and I think he was like this too with his ex. We have just started seeing each other so maybe it's still in the early days of introducing each other to our friendship groups. On top of that, he has just broken up with his gf of 3 years 3 months ago so maybe it's still too early? But, again, I can't help but feel that this is a red flag and that he might be embarassed of me or something like that because we are different? Or am I just being paranoid? In addition, in one of our heart to heart conversations, he said that he liked me very much and finds me special. Although when describing our relationship, he used the word 'companions' but he did say he likes where he is at right now and would like to see where this is going. So, I would like some of your guys opinions on this relationship. The fact that he is flaky and wants to keep this private, makes me think that he is just using me and is just playing the field. But, he acts really nice and very sweet when we're together which makes me think otherwise. What do you think he meant by 'companions'? Or am I just overthinking things and should understand the fact that we have both come out of long term relationships and are just taking things slow? Sorry for such a long post. Hope it all made sense! Neither your nor this guy are ready for new relationships, given the amount of time your prior relationships lasted, and the short period you've had to recover. That in itself would likely doom the relationship you're describing. If the guy you're describing is flaky now, when he should be giving you his best, imagine how he'll be when the new wears off. The fact that he wants to keep your relationship a secret makes it clear beyond any doubt that he has something to hide, and that he's not being honest with you. Finally, "hood" culture glorifies the idea of a man being a player and pimping it, and telling lies to some ho or b*tch would be considered perfectly acceptable in his social circle. Chances are that he and his friends have already had some good laughs about the lines you've bought. I think you know, deep-down, what's going on. The question is, do you deserve better than that? And only you can answer that question.
Recommended Posts