He said, now she said

[lovinDKT3]

Hello, I know that many of you have followed our story through the eyes of DKT3. We thought it would be good to get my side out. Since there were things that he still didn't know about my A I wrote him a very detailed timeline of all I could remember, it was about 8 years ago that it started.

 

It started one Nov morning when I was busy around the house and looking forward to seeing DKT, it had been almost a month since I had seen him last. He was away for work all the time, but never for this long. As I was almost ready to leave to pick him up from the airport my phones rings it was him "hey, I got hung up with a meeting and missed my flight. I got another one tomorrow at noon". Again nothing that hadn't happened before, but it felt different. It felt like I couldn't do it anymore.

 

About 3 am DKT walks into the bedroom and woke me. In that second I was so excited but soon the events of the day changed my mood. As he moved in to kiss me I turned my head and told him I was upset and he couldn't sleep in bed with me. He said I just drove 7 hours because I missed you too much to wait. No change in my mood, so after pleading for a few more minutes he left. Once the day closed I started to cry. It was so sweet that he rented a car and drove home. The problem was I had just slept with another guy.

 

After the call earlier in the day I decided to have a girls night out. I had too much to drink and with my mind starting to see divorce as the best option I allowed myself to do something I never thought I would, be with another man. Second after I woke to see him standing there the guilt and shame totally over took the excitement of seeing him. I hide behind him thinking I was upset by him missing his flight and letting me down again.

 

For the next two months life went back to normal, with the exception of my secret. The secret that started to force me to withdraw out of fear that he would some how figure it out.

 

During this time I ran into OM, he was known to both DKT and myself but we didn't really KNOW him. We had coffee and I explained to him that it was a mistake and it would never happen again. He said he understood and the conversation moved past that. He made me laugh and for an hour it was a nice escape.

 

We started to text a little and I really enjoyed it. It wasn't sexual in nature, just two people talking. Slowly we started to plan time together as friends. After about 3 months of that he kissed me and it changed everything. The texts became sexual and I enjoyed it. However telling myself it couldn't go past that.

 

After another three months or so DKT and I spent his whole two weeks home fighting. He was confused and kept asking what can I do, what do you want. When he left I told myself the next time OM trys to have sex I'm going to see where it goes. I did. Just like the first time it was horrible and I felt sick after. Crazy what broken people will do for validation.

 

For the next year I spent a lot of time with OM when DKT was away. He was an escape, we would laugh, and have a good time. For me it wasn't sexual, I wish I could say that I never slept with him again but I did. Not often but too often at the same time. 8 times in total.

 

One day DKT was getting after me about how I had changed. This turn into a huge fight. We had been out that night and had been drinking. This part I can remember like it just happened. My head was spinning and I just wanted it to stop. He said "what do you want? To find someone else?" I replied maybe I already tried that. The look on his face broke my heart, in that instant I knew he would divorce me.

 

For the next year I lied about having the A, I continued to contact OM for 9 months but we no longer met up in person and the sexual side was over. It all ended when OM asked me to leave DKT and give our "relationship" a real chance. Relationship? No I'm married. Odd right? Since I had been involved with him for almost two years all while being married.

 

I saw a change in my normally loving husband. He was short and cold. He avoided me, the only time he talked to me was about the kids or my A, which I was still not being honest about. Even with all that, (did I mention he wouldn't touch me) I thought we would make it. If he was just less hurt and angry I could be honest and we could make it work.

 

Then just like that it was over. I remember sitting at my desk when an employee came back and said there is a lady up front asking for you. As I walked closer something told me this was bad. "Mrs _____?" Yes "you have been served".

 

I deep down knew this is how it would end, but I hoped.

 

I rushed home a confessed everything. He looked at me with no emotion and said "its too late, I hate you for what you've done. I moving out today"

 

I felt like I was going to die. How could I have done this?

 

Thanks for reading my side

[dichotomy]

Very open post.

 

FYI for others - back story and advice from LS members.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/469679-crazy-thinking-about-doing-again-4.html

 

Lots of drama.

 

I do find it notable in this thread that you claimed to have not dated (assume no sex) with other men since the divorce but he has dated

[BrokenPrincess]

I'm a little confused...so during your drunken night you just said "what if I already tried that" [about finding someone else] but that was all you told him about the A?? And then things just got worse with DTK for the next year while you continued to talk to OM until you got served D papers? At which point you finally confessed.

[DKT3]

I'm a little confused...so during your drunken night you just said "what if I already tried that" [about finding someone else] but that was all you told him about the A?? And then things just got worse with DTK for the next year while you continued to talk to OM until you got served D papers? At which point you finally confessed.

 

I don't know if I should, but I can clear it up. She never admitted to anything until after she was served. She made the already tried that comment while we were fighting then quickly backed off and said she was trying to get a reaction out of me. To the best of my knowledge the physical A had already ended by this point.

 

During the 14 months of hell she blamed me for the A that she was still claiming she didn't have. Fu#@ed up right? In the real world whe both knew, she knew I knew. She just would fess up.

 

Lovin wants me to comment on this thread, I don't think I will after this, its her side of the story to tell.

[kingofhill]

Hey Lovin,

 

After the divorce, what made you to decide that you would wait for DKT to come back? Or, did you even expect that he would let you in his life again?

[lovinDKT3]

Very open post.

 

FYI for others - back story and advice from LS members.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/469679-crazy-thinking-about-doing-again-4.html

 

Lots of drama.

 

I do find it notable in this thread that you claimed to have not dated (assume no sex) with other men since the divorce but he has dated

 

Thank you for adding the link. I didn't think about that, I don't even know how to do it if I had.

 

The not dating wasn't as hard or long as you may think. About a year and a half after the divorce I was getting what I needed from DKT. He was showing signs that there maybe a chance. Beside that I was focused on my littles one, my father had a battle with cancer and my business was finally picking up after three years. I know my actions would have said otherwise but DKT was the only man I was interested in.

 

He dated, I hated it and it hurt. Yet I had lost my right to say anything when he divorced me. I'm ashamed to say, but I spent some time being a crazy stalker. Nothing hurt more then the one woman who I had told DKT many times over the years that wanted him. Her crush on him was so clear for me to see. When he started seeing her it drove me crazy. It was the whole she looks like me 10 years ago thing. The women here know what I'm talking about. How do you compete with that? A beautiful woman in her mid to late 20's always laughing at his jokes, worked for the same company, studied the same thing in college. It was clear they had so much in common. I feared her, the first time I saw her some 4 years before at his company party. I remember thinking oh great she would have to be assigned to my husband.

 

DKT, I want you to post here. ISYTL

[lovinDKT3]

Hey Lovin,

 

After the divorce, what made you to decide that you would wait for DKT to come back? Or, did you even expect that he would let you in his life again?

 

I still loved him and I knew he loved me. It sounds bad, but I felt he would give me a chance. Then he started dating work girl about a year after and I felt I had lost. I had a pity party for a couple weeks. Then I got my stuff together. I didn't push but I made it clear I still wanted him. I focused on myself, my kids and my business.

[2sunny]

You decided to have a girls night out? That lead to sex with the OM or you had sex prior to that evening?

 

Do you still drink at all?

 

Your words don't show you completely taking responsibility for cheating - it seems to read that circumstances made you cheat...?

 

 

Why was it so easy to lie? What have you changed about that?

 

How can you be trusted to be honest now when you took an excuse, blamed DK for YOUR poor choices - and then lied to him?

 

 

What has changed about you? When things get REALLY bad in your R again, is cheating still YOUR solution?

 

Have you done counseling? If so, what did you learn about how YOU participated? What do you plan to change about YOURSELF and what you deem as solutions to problems?

 

Again, do you still drink?

[lovinDKT3]

You decided to have a girls night out? That lead to sex with the OM or you had sex prior to that evening?

 

Do you still drink at all?

 

Your words don't show you completely taking responsibility for cheating - it seems to read that circumstances made you cheat...?

 

 

Why was it so easy to lie? What have you changed about that?

 

How can you be trusted to be honest now when you took an excuse, blamed DK for YOUR poor choices - and then lied to him?

 

 

What has changed about you? When things get REALLY bad in your R again, is cheating still YOUR solution?

 

Have you done counseling? If so, what did you learn about how YOU participated? What do you plan to change about YOURSELF and what you deem as solutions to problems?

 

Again, do you still drink?

 

I will answer this because I feel it can help other women who feel the way I did.

 

I blamed DKT for the state of our marriage so in extention the A since happened because I was unhappy. That is the way I honestly felt at the time. I now fully understand it was bull, and it was the only way I didn't feel worthless for what I was doing.

 

I've been in IC for years now twice a month.

 

I've never been much of a drinker and almost never when not with DKT.

 

Drinking is neither a problem or an excuse. I made the decisions I made. I own it.

 

It was never easy to lie to my husband. I would get all knotted up and I was really bad at it.

 

The first night with OM was the first time I had been with anyone other then DKT. In the moment I felt like the marriage was over, I had had enough. That feeling is what drove the ONS and the following affair.

 

Sunny, how does someone prove what's in their heart? With actions.

 

Communication is the key. I would yell and complain to/AT DKT. I didn't communicate with him. My messege fell short and that was my fault.

 

What prevents me from doing it in the future? I could say who sticks their hand in the black box after you lost the other one last time. The truth is, looking back I was a monster. I don't ever want to be that woman again. Having to explain to my little girl why her daddy wasn't at home. It sounds like common sense, I just honestly never thought about how it would hurt those I loved the most.

[2sunny]

While I appreciate your candor - you didn't answer ALL the way through to the OTHER side.

 

What happens when the R gets hard next time? What do YOU plan to do when things are difficult? What have you learned in counseling as far as problem SOLVING?

 

I see you've learned that having an affair doesn't SOLVE the problem - but what is YOUR ACTION next time?

 

 

And what happened with the OM? Really, I'd like to know. You just called him and had sex - or you met a random guy and started it up and put time and energy into a random stranger? Or you knew him and played him?

 

And when did you end it with him? Did that cause HIM to have pain too? What did you do to resolve that issue with hurting ANOTHER man besides DK? Was he married too? How did you find him?

 

The answers you gave aren't REALLY thorough answers - can you be more specific?

[Man Mountain Makino]

During this time I ran into OM, he was known to both DKT and myself but we didn't really KNOW him.

Uh, you KNEW him, just for the record.

[Man Mountain Makino]

He dated, I hated it and it hurt. Yet I had lost my right to say anything when he divorced me. I'm ashamed to say, but I spent some time being a crazy stalker. Nothing hurt more then the one woman who I had told DKT many times over the years that wanted him. Her crush on him was so clear for me to see. When he started seeing her it drove me crazy. It was the whole she looks like me 10 years ago thing. The women here know what I'm talking about. How do you compete with that? A beautiful woman in her mid to late 20's always laughing at his jokes, worked for the same company, studied the same thing in college. It was clear they had so much in common.

And the thing is, you didn't have to compete with her. You had won already, and had a solid, devoted husband. You really blew it. Move on.

[Man Mountain Makino]

It was never easy to lie to my husband. I would get all knotted up and I was really bad at it.

Come on, it was easy enough and you were good enough

 

Reading your posts is an ordeal, for me, I imagine this experience was quite horrible for the guy who had to live through it. You're a piece of work.

 

Please work on yourself, improve yourself, and find someone else. You've caused this fella enough grief. He may find happiness with his new girlfriend. I hope he does.

[lovinDKT3]

2sunny, I will never be a finished product nor do I pretend to have all the answers.

 

How will I handle things in the future? IDK, I can promise that it will be with the best interest of my family.

 

I was never in love with OM. I was abit foggy and caught up in the fantasy, he was an escape. He was a cute divorced guy that was in orbit around our social circle. That's how I knew him before that night. At some point during the night I decided what the hell my marriage is over. Then during I was so detached it was like sitting in the chair watching two people have sex. I felt horrible. The next time we had sex it was several months later almost a year. By that time I was so hooked on the excitement of the secret meeting. I did have my boundaries, as poor as they were. When DKT was in town no contact.

 

Did he get hurt? Yeah, but like me he knew what he was getting into. I had thoughts of leaving my marriage, but never for him. Nor did I ever lead him to think I was leaving at all. During the affair we didn't talk about that stuff, where is the fantasy or escape in that.

After I ended the physical part, and thinking we could remain in each others lives he started to push. It was at this time that DKT figured it out with my stupid attempt to confess and chickened out. I told myself I had to stay in contact with OM so he wouldn't tell DKT. That wasn't totally true. He loved me and it felt good to be wanted. Without blameshifting I hadn't felt that DKT wanted me anymore for a while. I told OM that DKT found out and he wanted me to run off with him. I told him no that I wasn't in love with him like that. I did care for him, but I was in love with my husband and wanted to work on that relationship. He got alittle crazy and I feared him. I couldn't tell DKT by this time things were so bad he would rarely even look at me. The last time I saw OM he was being lead away from my business by the police. I took out an order of protection and never heard from him again.

[Red123]

Man- I see why you are bothered by this but I think she has worked on herself. It can't be easy to come on here and tell her story after her H has been on here with his side and relieved support from other posters. I can see how lonely it must have been with him traveling so much for work and how in your mind it felt like he because of work was the cause. I am in no way saying it is acceptable that you cheated but I can say that I have had times in my M where I pointed the finger at my H for our unhappiness long before his A happened. If life is about learning you sure have given yourself a major lesson and I hope you use it going forward. I wish you both the best in your R.

[2sunny]

If you don't have more SOLID answers for YOURSELF about solutions - then YOU NEED a new counselor!

 

As much as you owe amends to DK - I can't see how you've solidly OWNED YOUR PART in it - I also think you owe amends to your OM for causing him harm as well.

 

Seriously? You have an affair - are getting divorced - and are angry enough that he's hauled off to jail? YOU caused that by misleading him.

 

 

I also think you've mislead DK into thinking you have done enough to restart a serious R. But I don't see where you have searched to the bottom of your soul to admit how YOU participated!

 

Until you understand completely how you participated - and exactly what YOU plan to do differently next time you consider cheating as YOUR solution to problems within your R - we can only assume you don't have the honesty and integrity to solve your problems differently than the last time.

 

YOUR cheating isn't about what OM did - or what your then H didn't do!

 

It is about your broken self and addressing what is broken about YOU. So broken that YOU harmed MANY people by YOUR decisions.

 

 

You skirt over the fact that this A lasted a long while. That it started long before DK was coming home that time - and you haven't been FORTHCOMING about how YOU reeled that OM in so QUICKLY that particular night!

 

Spill it sister! Because your chance to get honest is now! Protecting YOURSELF by minimizing isn't helping here!

 

Brutal honesty! That is what you need to be presenting - not excuses, not half truths, not omissions. Get honest!

[2sunny]

I think getting back together has been premature.

 

You still have a lot of work to do to improve your self awareness.

 

Are you two having ANY sex since you've been back together?

[dichotomy]

I think you are honest in expressing how the divorce affect you and your kids, and how seeing him with a younger and adoring (must have been healing for him) GF. I hope you have spent some time on separating these reasons from your desire to be back with him. Your desire to be with him should be very clear and not clouded.

 

Has the "younger version" of yourself been set aside? I wonder how she feels about your return and I assume she was dumped ?

 

Strange coincidence - when single I dated a divorced woman who said he husband left her for a younger version of herself. I met them once and she was not kidding she was the spitting image of her - just nearly 12 years younger (I mean she was 19! WTF?). Also strange - they did get back together and remarry - and have more kids and divorced again 7 years later as much of their old dynamic returned.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Lovin, thanks for sharing your side, I understand it takes courage, being a fWW myself. It's been 4.5 years since d-day (I told him) and we're doing well.

 

I do have to agree with 2sunny...maybe you've decided not to share here (understandable), but what concrete changes have you made within you? After all the IC, why did you make the choice you did? What coping skills are in place to prevent making that choice again when things get tough again (as they inevitably do in any LTR)?

 

You mentioned that you don't know how you will handle things in the future. Of course we don't know what is going to happen...but we can be prepared. One choice I made during reconciliation is to share things with my H. I tended to keep things inside, and realized that this created a space between us. So when I was sad or mad or whatever, I vowed to tell my H no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel. And I have done so, and while it hasn't made things necessarily better sometimes, it's kept us connected and close.

 

I hope this makes sense...you both seem on the right path and I wish you both well moving forward.

[lovinDKT3]

Hi Lovin, thanks for sharing your side, I understand it takes courage, being a fWW myself. It's been 4.5 years since d-day (I told him) and we're doing well.

 

I do have to agree with 2sunny...maybe you've decided not to share here (understandable), but what concrete changes have you made within you? After all the IC, why did you make the choice you did? What coping skills are in place to prevent making that choice again when things get tough again (as they inevitably do in any LTR)?

 

You mentioned that you don't know how you will handle things in the future. Of course we don't know what is going to happen...but we can be prepared. One choice I made during reconciliation is to share things with my H. I tended to keep things inside, and realized that this created a space between us. So when I was sad or mad or whatever, I vowed to tell my H no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel. And I have done so, and while it hasn't made things necessarily better sometimes, it's kept us connected and close.

 

I hope this makes sense...you both seem on the right path and I wish you both well moving forward.

 

My point with 2sunny is words mean nothing. I could write ten pages of words about how and why I would never do it again. Problem is what makes my words different? I told DKT all those things before and then I was unfaithful.

 

I'm not perfect, nor am I clairvoyant. I can tell you how I would like to act in the future when things are rocky with DKT.

 

As far as your comments, I agree. Being open and honest would have been the solution to our issues. I intend on being that 100%.

[signpost]

I was never in love with OM. I was abit foggy and caught up in the fantasy, he was an escape. He was a cute divorced guy that was in orbit around our social circle. That's how I knew him before that night.

 

You KNEW he was a 'cute' 'divorced' guy that was in 'orbit'!

 

Did he get hurt? Yeah, but like me he knew what he was getting into. I had thoughts of leaving my marriage, but never for him. Nor did I ever lead him to think I was leaving at all.

 

She told me she broke it off 7 or 8 times and they would go several months at a time with no contact. She was the one that always started it back up.

 

You DID lead the OM to think you wanted to leave your marriage for him.

 

After I ended the physical part, and thinking we could remain in each others lives he started to push. It was at this time that DKT figured it out with my stupid attempt to confess and chickened out. I told myself I had to stay in contact with OM so he wouldn't tell DKT. That wasn't totally true. He loved me and it felt good to be wanted. Without blameshifting I hadn't felt that DKT wanted me anymore for a while. I told OM that DKT found out and he wanted me to run off with him. I told him no that I wasn't in love with him like that. I did care for him, but I was in love with my husband and wanted to work on that relationship. He got alittle crazy and I feared him. I couldn't tell DKT by this time things were so bad he would rarely even look at me. The last time I saw OM he was being lead away from my business by the police. I took out an order of protection and never heard from him again.

 

You have hurt deliberately and by design not ONE but TWO men.You have highly betrayed these TWO men for your own cause; And your attitude, judging by this reply of yours, hasn't still changed.

[2sunny]

My point with 2sunny is words mean nothing. I could write ten pages of words about how and why I would never do it again. Problem is what makes my words different? I told DKT all those things before and then I was unfaithful.

 

I'm not perfect, nor am I clairvoyant. I can tell you how I would like to act in the future when things are rocky with DKT.

 

As far as your comments, I agree. Being open and honest would have been the solution to our issues. I intend on being that 100%.

 

One cannot expect perfection.

 

But you can at least try giving us info here - as we are here to see what words you type. That's ALL we have to work with.

 

And so far you haven't typed what plan you have in place if mr. wonderful were to walk up to you today with heavy flirting and lots of promises that would make your life easy (I'm talking a stranger) - what is YOUR plan to not start another affair?

 

What, exactly would YOU DO if that happened?

 

Also - what do you do differently NOW when YOU are upset with DK? How do YOU participate with honesty?

 

Play along - will you? Let's see if we can make some progress as to your plan of action IF that ever happens again.

Edited May 4, 2014 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

So Lovin - were YOU the one to start things back up with OM or no? Be honest!

 

We have nothing to work with here if you're not going to OFFER us HONESTY...

[lovinDKT3]

If you don't have more SOLID answers for YOURSELF about solutions - then YOU NEED a new counselor!

 

As much as you owe amends to DK - I can't see how you've solidly OWNED YOUR PART in it - I also think you owe amends to your OM for causing him harm as well.

 

Seriously? You have an affair - are getting divorced - and are angry enough that he's hauled off to jail? YOU caused that by misleading him.

 

 

I also think you've mislead DK into thinking you have done enough to restart a serious R. But I don't see where you have searched to the bottom of your soul to admit how YOU participated!

 

Until you understand completely how you participated - and exactly what YOU plan to do differently next time you consider cheating as YOUR solution to problems within your R - we can only assume you don't have the honesty and integrity to solve your problems differently than the last time.

 

YOUR cheating isn't about what OM did - or what your then H didn't do!

 

It is about your broken self and addressing what is broken about YOU. So broken that YOU harmed MANY people by YOUR decisions.

 

 

You skirt over the fact that this A lasted a long while. That it started long before DK was coming home that time - and you haven't been FORTHCOMING about how YOU reeled that OM in so QUICKLY that particular night!

 

Spill it sister! Because your chance to get honest is now! Protecting YOURSELF by minimizing isn't helping here!

 

Brutal honesty! That is what you need to be presenting - not excuses, not half truths, not omissions. Get honest!

 

I never mislead OM. He knew the situation.

 

I own my ****, I have for along time. I have been totally honest as much as I feel comfortable with. I have someone elses feelings involved here. I had never spoke to OM before that night. Yes I knew who he was never said a word to him before. My sister had a hard time with this too. How does a woman in her mid 30's who has only slept with one man go out and have a ONS. I get it, I understand why now. I had a hard time with that.

 

OM scared me, I couldn't turn to my rock so I had to use the police. He was "hauled off the jail" they escorted him to his car and told him not to come back. They told me to take out the order I did and have never heard from him again.

 

In terms of the affair, ONS-3 months NC-3 months texting-9 months of full blown affair-7 months EA under the nickname "friends"-2 months of damage control. I thought I spelled that out pretty clear.

[lovinDKT3]

So Lovin - were YOU the one to start things back up with OM or no? Be honest!

 

We have nothing to work with here if you're not going to OFFER us HONESTY...

 

Yes I did, I honestly missed the attention and validation. I broke it off about every time we had sex. Then I would text him.

 

So, what would be my point in coming here to lie?