Dante311 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Hi again.. SAME girl, for those that remember me. Yes, it's a bad relationship. She wants me when she needs me, then pushes me away, but still expects me to be there. Only way I can describe that situation. Search me for my recent posts. She's been toxic and hurt me... a lot. Somehow, I'm still with her... Anyhow. The story is short. A week ago, I took her to a graduate ball.. black tie affair. It was nice. I learned of a yacht cruise for her program. Tickets were apparently only open to the grad students at first. When she went to look the next day (after I found out from her friend - she was there when her friend asked if I were going...) tickets were sold out. She made no effort to want to bring me, I feel. I didn't tell her that. I found out her friends all got tickets for their boyfriends. I know one of her friends, who thinks I'm awesome.. so I know she isn't cheating, because if she took another guy - I would've found out. ...anyhow, she went to the party. I reluctantly gave her my blessing, but still gave it. She said thanks and went. I was really disappointed she didn't want me going. Then while she's there she let me know she missed me and loved me. In my head, not good enough. this girl has been messing with my head for 2 years now. It's talking about a future, then no future... then moving in, then no more.... So I decided I'll go away and visit my old med school. Friday night comes, she kind of gets annoyed and blows me off via text. Saturday comes.. I am going to head out early... I figure she was going to study with one of her class mates and she knows I'm away.. I'll send her a have a good day text. The bad news. I left my phone sitting on the bed and left for the day. I didn't realize it was gone til I was downtown already and was out with people. I didn't respond to her for 12 hours... and she panicked. She called my parents... went to my brother and wife's place freaking out, thinking I was dead... she called the police. I got home after a nice, long, eventful day... to see the horror of what she had done. I called her immediately. I told her I'm sorry, I left my phone home by accident... she was crying and screaming. I'm an ******* apparently because I made NO effort to contact her that day, not by someone else's phone or email... Granted, I can accept I made a fkup by not contacting her, but her nature of pushing me away.. wanting to be alone, I honestly didn't think it was a big deal? Again, we're talking about a girl who one night will go out for a night on the town with me in black tie attire, and the next morning at 8am tell me to go home because she wants space, after 2 years of ups and downs, but she still loves me. ugh Why am I in the wrong because I failed to check in for 12-14 hours on one day out of the 2 years we've been together.
Omei Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Hi again.. SAME girl, for those that remember me. Yes, it's a bad relationship. She wants me when she needs me, then pushes me away, but still expects me to be there. Only way I can describe that situation. Search me for my recent posts. She's been toxic and hurt me... a lot. Somehow, I'm still with her... Anyhow. The story is short. A week ago, I took her to a graduate ball.. black tie affair. It was nice. I learned of a yacht cruise for her program. Tickets were apparently only open to the grad students at first. When she went to look the next day (after I found out from her friend - she was there when her friend asked if I were going...) tickets were sold out. She made no effort to want to bring me, I feel. I didn't tell her that. I found out her friends all got tickets for their boyfriends. I know one of her friends, who thinks I'm awesome.. so I know she isn't cheating, because if she took another guy - I would've found out. ...anyhow, she went to the party. I reluctantly gave her my blessing, but still gave it. She said thanks and went. I was really disappointed she didn't want me going. Then while she's there she let me know she missed me and loved me. In my head, not good enough. this girl has been messing with my head for 2 years now. It's talking about a future, then no future... then moving in, then no more.... So I decided I'll go away and visit my old med school. Friday night comes, she kind of gets annoyed and blows me off via text. Saturday comes.. I am going to head out early... I figure she was going to study with one of her class mates and she knows I'm away.. I'll send her a have a good day text. The bad news. I left my phone sitting on the bed and left for the day. I didn't realize it was gone til I was downtown already and was out with people. I didn't respond to her for 12 hours... and she panicked. She called my parents... went to my brother and wife's place freaking out, thinking I was dead... she called the police. I got home after a nice, long, eventful day... to see the horror of what she had done. I called her immediately. I told her I'm sorry, I left my phone home by accident... she was crying and screaming. I'm an ******* apparently because I made NO effort to contact her that day, not by someone else's phone or email... Granted, I can accept I made a fkup by not contacting her, but her nature of pushing me away.. wanting to be alone, I honestly didn't think it was a big deal? Again, we're talking about a girl who one night will go out for a night on the town with me in black tie attire, and the next morning at 8am tell me to go home because she wants space, after 2 years of ups and downs, but she still loves me. ugh Why am I in the wrong because I failed to check in for 12-14 hours on one day out of the 2 years we've been together. No you forgot your phone that's a common mistake, she's just insane. 3
Chocolat Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 If the R is toxic, end it. As for the particular day in question, why didn't you contact her to let you know you'd left your phone at home, once you realised this was the case? Your behavior seems passive aggressive. If your response is that it's because of the toxicity of the R in general, see the first sentence above. 2
Zahara Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 It's not about wrong or right. It's about control. And if your communication is based on how she treats you, then there is nothing healthy about your relationship because you're just feeding of on the toxicity. I'm sorry to hear you've gone back to her again. It's masochistic.
Author Dante311 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 It's not about wrong or right. It's about control. And if your communication is based on how she treats you, then there is nothing healthy about your relationship because you're just feeding of on the toxicity. I'm sorry to hear you've gone back to her again. It's masochistic. So am I.... I'm getting tired of her mind games. She did over react. Last weekend taking me to a black tie affair... the very next morning asking me to go home (for space - after two years of this)... and then wanting to go to another grad party without me on a yacht, then telling me she misses me and loves me... and when I asked if I could see her the next day she basically says no, she's going to be with her friend... which means I won't see her until the following weekend. I hardly see my own girlfriend now. I left my phone at home by accident. I didn't think it was a big deal. She wanted the space. I thought I'd text her when I get home. I'm used to this. If I told her this, however, would be my funeral. Funny, eh?
Zahara Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 It's not funny. It's sad. Throwing your years away for this. Knowing full well that there is no love in this for you but to see you hold on for dear life is unfortunate. It's a vicious cycle. You can keep harping on it but it won't change. You can keep reiterating the facts but it won't change. We can give you pages of advice but at this point the only way you'll decide to leave is when you've been thoroughly beaten to a pulp emotionally and mentally. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 What waste of your time this "relationship" is! She absolutely over-reacted, not to mention wasted police resources by going to them. This person is not stable. She is manipulative, controlling, and emotionally abusive. And you've let this continue for 2 years? That part's on you. Believe me, I know it's hard to walk away. I was with a man very similar to her. I finally realized he didn't love me. He loved the validation he got from me when he wanted an ego boost. But eventually I understood I was spinning my wheels with someone who didn't give me what I needed in a relationship. The entire focus was on his needs, which I could never meet because they were so unrealistic. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone like him, or your girlfriend. (And really, is "girlfriend" the appropriate word for someone who treats you like that? I think not) Hopefully you'll arrive at this point of understanding too - she is an emotional terrorist. You need to disentangle yourself from her sh*tstorm as soon as possible. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 You're not assertive. You let her manipulate and control you. You're afraid to upset her which makes you walk on eggshells around. Meanwhile she doesn't respect you at all. She's not afraid to go out and have fun without you but you are. Stop trying to rationalize a toxic woman's behavior. Dump this toxic waste. It will hurt but you will be better off in the long run. Personally, all signs point to her having BPD. Read up on it here: Twelve signs that you may be dating a borderline woman - Philadelphia Mental Health | Examiner.com I was also wondering this. I am certain the man I used to date and described in my other post has BPD. He displays so many of the symptoms. Something to think about, OP. But keep in mind you can't "fix" someone like that; they need to recognize their inappropriate behaviour and be open to getting help. We as their partners (or former, in my case) also need to recognize what it is in us that keeps us co-dependent and in unhealthy relationships.
BlueIris Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 One reason that people in a relationship, even if they have an MD or PhD, can not diagnose some they’re in relationship with is because they/we all perceive things through the filter of our own emotions and reactions. It feels good to assign someone “crazy” or “sick” status but really all that means is that you should be leaving the person you’ve decided is crazy or sick, not that he or she actually is that. Signed, someone who wasted time and energy analyzing what DSM-IV status to assign to someone I was just too chicken to leave
Keenly Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Just ignore her. Seriously. Let her freak out. I'd be pretty hurt if I was just asked to leave like that.
saltyfishhead666 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Hi again.. SAME girl, for those that remember me. Yes, it's a bad relationship. She wants me when she needs me, then pushes me away, but still expects me to be there. Only way I can describe that situation. Search me for my recent posts. She's been toxic and hurt me... a lot. Somehow, I'm still with her... Anyhow. The story is short. A week ago, I took her to a graduate ball.. black tie affair. It was nice. I learned of a yacht cruise for her program. Tickets were apparently only open to the grad students at first. When she went to look the next day (after I found out from her friend - she was there when her friend asked if I were going...) tickets were sold out. She made no effort to want to bring me, I feel. I didn't tell her that. I found out her friends all got tickets for their boyfriends. I know one of her friends, who thinks I'm awesome.. so I know she isn't cheating, because if she took another guy - I would've found out. ...anyhow, she went to the party. I reluctantly gave her my blessing, but still gave it. She said thanks and went. I was really disappointed she didn't want me going. Then while she's there she let me know she missed me and loved me. In my head, not good enough. this girl has been messing with my head for 2 years now. It's talking about a future, then no future... then moving in, then no more.... So I decided I'll go away and visit my old med school. Friday night comes, she kind of gets annoyed and blows me off via text. Saturday comes.. I am going to head out early... I figure she was going to study with one of her class mates and she knows I'm away.. I'll send her a have a good day text. The bad news. I left my phone sitting on the bed and left for the day. I didn't realize it was gone til I was downtown already and was out with people. I didn't respond to her for 12 hours... and she panicked. She called my parents... went to my brother and wife's place freaking out, thinking I was dead... she called the police. I got home after a nice, long, eventful day... to see the horror of what she had done. I called her immediately. I told her I'm sorry, I left my phone home by accident... she was crying and screaming. I'm an ******* apparently because I made NO effort to contact her that day, not by someone else's phone or email... Granted, I can accept I made a fkup by not contacting her, but her nature of pushing me away.. wanting to be alone, I honestly didn't think it was a big deal? Again, we're talking about a girl who one night will go out for a night on the town with me in black tie attire, and the next morning at 8am tell me to go home because she wants space, after 2 years of ups and downs, but she still loves me. ugh Why am I in the wrong because I failed to check in for 12-14 hours on one day out of the 2 years we've been together. Your woman sounds like she's barking mad. What on earth are you doing putting up with that ****
KRuss Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 "Yes, it's a bad relationship" I think you know the answer....2 years is a long time to spend on someone that doesn't treat you right, doesn't know if they want you in their life....does, doesn't. YIKES.....you need some running shoes.
Woggle Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Some guys will put up with anything if they think she is hot enough. Save your sanity and end this thing. 1
shinealight Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 For someone to phone the police just because you did not have your'e phone on you is really insane if you ask me, I mean did she not think your'e phone might of run out of battery or you might of left it at home ext? You have put up with this for two years do you really want to put up with this for another two years down the line? Because you cannot change how she behaves, only she can do that. I know someone who is in the same boat as you and he has got depression because of it and has put on weight because of it. The only question you can ask yourself is do you really see yourself being with her in the future?
sagetalk Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Please, for your own sake and your future children's sake, run away from her! She is nuts.
deathandtaxes Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 You reap what you sow, OP. Why are you still with this woman? Why do you put up with her crap? Is your self-esteem that ****ing low?
Author Dante311 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I am that depressed because of this girl
Strength in Healing Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 You still in med school brother? I forget. Anyways, have the courage to see a psychologist. You're in a vicious cycle and if you don't get therapy, you'll be a victim and servant up until she releases you. I was in a toxic relationship and beaten and broken like you until I was finally discarded and rapidly replaced. Now not only do I face the pain and emotional scars of the relationship, I also now bear the suffering of knowing I was tossed and replaced. I lost my dignity. Since then I've gained it and my confidence back but you may not be as lucky as me. Break the chains. It has to come from you or else the black hole will keep consuming until it's ready for a new star. 1
Emilia Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Coping with no contact...m day 1. Ugh Let's hope you will stick with it this time. Not really sure what you are trying to get out of loveshack as you received all the advice that could be given in your previous threads. She has serious issues, what else can be said? It's time to stop leaning on us and actually make the decision that's good for you. Otherwise really there is no point. 1
Author Dante311 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 Let's hope you will stick with it this time. Not really sure what you are trying to get out of loveshack as you received all the advice that could be given in your previous threads. She has serious issues, what else can be said? It's time to stop leaning on us and actually make the decision that's good for you. Otherwise really there is no point. I keep wondering if its actually me and not he girl... As mean as she is. Perhaps its both of us...? I keep trying to give the benefit of the doubt. When I read ls I feel strong, like I can do it.... Then somehow the girl and I begin to talk... Or argue and I lose that confidence again. Yesterday ... After she goes via text, do not text me again..I'm going to sleep' I just said **** it... Leap of sanity fld myself... It will hurt but k trust it will feel better in the end. I am very appreciative of each of you taking your time to provide a bit of clarity for me. Thank you
Emilia Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I keep wondering if its actually me and not he girl... As mean as she is. Perhaps its both of us...? I keep trying to give the benefit of the doubt. When I read ls I feel strong, like I can do it.... Then somehow the girl and I begin to talk... Or argue and I lose that confidence again. Yesterday ... After she goes via text, do not text me again..I'm going to sleep' I just said **** it... Leap of sanity fld myself... It will hurt but k trust it will feel better in the end. I am very appreciative of each of you taking your time to provide a bit of clarity for me. Thank you Yes it is the both of you. There is something in you that stays attracted while others would run. You have to find the source of it and try to fix it otherwise it will happen again and again.
Author Dante311 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 i guarantee she'll miss me... it's painful. our love feels wrong. i can only tolerate so much of being pushed away and pulled back in. She can't handle love, affection, etc too much. Her sisters both have social anxiety disorders and maintain difficulty pursuing and maintaining close relationships. Perhaps, she's not much different? Oh well, it's too late now.
TXGuy Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Your only mistake was apologizing. As soon as you did that, you lost again. 1
Zahara Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) i guarantee she'll miss me... it's painful. our love feels wrong. i can only tolerate so much of being pushed away and pulled back in. She can't handle love, affection, etc too much. Her sisters both have social anxiety disorders and maintain difficulty pursuing and maintaining close relationships. Perhaps, she's not much different? Oh well, it's too late now. She doesn't miss you in the healthy sense. She misses what she can control and manipulate. You're skewed in your perception of the dynamics of your relationship with her. There is no love in this toxicity. It's a toxic attachment. It's much harder to detach from that sort of dysfunction. It's like a drug addiction. It's not "love" that is making you both gravitate to each other. It's just poison. And it's time you stop analysing her mindset and focus on what's wrong with you. She may have her issues but clearly, what's wrong with you that you deem emotional and mental abuse tolerable and acceptable. PS: Block her. There is no use implementing NC if she is accessible to you. You'll just be going in circles and taking us all on that ride with you. Edited May 6, 2014 by Zahara 2
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