acidrein_08 Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 It's been a long time since I've been on these forums but they have always given me comfort. Here is my story: I have been with a girl for 1 year and 3 months almost and had a blast. You see we met each other while she was in high school and I was a freshman in college. We fell in love and spent every day together. Over last summer she took some trips and we were seperated for a couple weeks, but we weren't used to it. When she came back we broke up but we got back together just a few days later. Things went great again, it hurt a lot but she made it all back up to me like she said she would. When college started she went to a school that was 2 hours away from home. So even though everybody didn't think we would do it we had faith and a strong love. Of coarse we had our usual arguements mainly about not being able to see each other, but we always fixed them. It wasn't until last night that things really blew up. We were arguing over nothing but she was trying to point out all these things I do wrong and I wouldn't listen. So she ended up breaking up with me on the phone after I left her house. But she continued to talk to me and we talked till like 4 in the morning and I opened up to her cause I didn't want to lose her. Today I went and saw her in the morning and we hugged and kissed, and then we went to the park together. It was there she said that she broke up with me once and never wanted to do it again. But it wasn't 45 minutes later she was telling me how a part of her wanted to be independant. So she broke up with me once again, and this time I lost control of my emotions. I cried but that seemed to make matters worse, the more I pulled her close the more she would push away, until she had to leave to drive back to college. I opened my heart up and was rejected, but I love her so much and I don't know what to do. Someone please give me some advice, the pain is unbearable.
upsetnhurt Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Question for you......do you want to be with someone who consistently breaks up with you? Probably not.....and as such the only way you will know if she wants to in fact be with you is if you give her some space (that means no contact by yourself no matter how hard it is and it will be hard let me tell you) to figure out if in fact she misses you enough to make a commitment to being your girlfriend. If you don't follow this and go back crying to her in hopes of winning her sympathy, then you will just be amusing yourself for the short term and I will tell you that she will unfortunately break up with you again. Sorry to be so blunt yet we are all going through the same disappointments and some of us have learned the hard way and are trying to help out before you make the wrong decisions.
Merin Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Awe.. I'm sorry You know honestly the 2 of you have been together for awhile.. and while I can understand that you really care for this girl and obviously love her.. it seems that at this time she is wanting some "Freedom" she has just started her college and she's meeting new people and having new experiences.. I think she was hesitant to break things off for good, as you are the "known" so to speak.. but I also think the desire to "sew some oats" for her outweighed the fear of ending your relationship. Give it time.. you'll be okay and happy again, and meet other people again.. but the only thing that usually helps when break ups happen.. is time. Good Luck
Author acidrein_08 Posted February 7, 2005 Author Posted February 7, 2005 I want to give her everything she wants, I will let her go out with friends. The thing is we are apart so much now anyways she has a lot of time to do things she wants. She is a very fun girl and is friendly to everyone. I don't buy into the No contact and since I have the urge to call her up every 5 minutes I don't think i'd ever be able to do that. The fact is many people go without contact and thats why they lose someone. They let themselves get seperated until its to late to make things work. But I have so much faith in us and she has to still love me too. I don't want to let her go, what do I do if she calls tonight?
Merin Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Originally posted by acidrein_08 I want to give her everything she wants, I will let her go out with friends. The thing is we are apart so much now anyways she has a lot of time to do things she wants. She is a very fun girl and is friendly to everyone. I don't buy into the No contact and since I have the urge to call her up every 5 minutes I don't think i'd ever be able to do that. The fact is many people go without contact and thats why they lose someone. They let themselves get seperated until its to late to make things work. But I have so much faith in us and she has to still love me too. I don't want to let her go, what do I do if she calls tonight? Again.. I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly. This isn't about you allowing her to go out with friends or her having time to do what she wants.. IMO she is wanting to date other guys.. see what else may be out there for her.. I understand you don't want to let her go.. but you CAN'T make someone stay IF they don't want too.. Sorry
Author acidrein_08 Posted February 7, 2005 Author Posted February 7, 2005 But she told me it isn't about other guys that a part of her just didn't want to be in a relationship right now. She has told me that she isn't one of those girls that have to have a boyfriend, you think it's all lies? We have never had any problems with trust and I don't think it's about anyone else. It's just so weird.
Merin Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Originally posted by acidrein_08 But she told me it isn't about other guys that a part of her just didn't want to be in a relationship right now. She has told me that she isn't one of those girls that have to have a boyfriend, you think it's all lies? We have never had any problems with trust and I don't think it's about anyone else. It's just so weird. Honestly Acidrein, perhaps there isn't anyone else she is seeing *right now* and I'm sure when she says she doesn't need to have a Boyfriend she's being serious and means that.. however yeah, I do believe she wants to be able to date other guys right now and see what else may be out there.. and the issue of trust.. maybe part of her "reasoning" here had a lot to do with that.. she knows you trust her and she had not given you reason not to trust her.. so perhaps she was/is sparing you some pain now in letting go as to not break that trust by staying in a exclusive relationship when she isn't certain IF you're the one for her forever.. does that make sense?
upsetnhurt Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Acid, The "no contact" is not supposed to be a means to win her back. It is to allow you to get your thoughts straight and to realize that if she says she needs time then she needs to be given it. I too believe there is no specific "other" person out there for her and there may never be. Yet she appears to need some time being single and unfortunately you have no choice in the matter. If you choose to continually call her and push her I will tell you that you will be forcing her to run further and further away. Show her the respect that she is asking and make yourself a better person in the meantime.........I am sorry for being blunt again as I know it is so hard. I too am dealing with a broken heart on a daily basis and I will say it gets easier as one is able to take time to think straight.
Author acidrein_08 Posted February 7, 2005 Author Posted February 7, 2005 But she seemed confused about things. Things were great just the other night even and still said she loved me after we broke up. There is no one else out there like this girl, she is perfect for me. I'm truly a mess without her I can't even sleep. I wrote her a long email yesterday but I don't know if I should send it. She didn't call me last night and that hurts becuase I thought she might. Damn love.
Ms_Sweetness Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Well my story may give you a little hope. But it is true you must give her the space that she needs right now. When I first began college (6 hrs away from home), my bf and I were forced to make a decision of whether to stay together or take some time apart. I decided that I wanted to take time away from our relationship because he was all that I knew. I loved him but I didn't want to go away to school, meet new people and end up hurting him. Well,we separated for awhile and after my first yr I felt that there was no one out there that compared to him, so we got back together. Just give her some time to explore life a little more and who knows, you two may end up back together, but in the meantime you should also go out and explore new things, i.e new hobbies, recreation or whatever. I know that it is difficult but there is nothing else that you can do at this time except respect her need to be free.
Author acidrein_08 Posted February 7, 2005 Author Posted February 7, 2005 Well do any of you have any ideas of winning her back? I just texted her and told her g'luck on a test that I knew she had coming up today but she hasn't responded yet. Tomorrow would be our 1 year and 3 months, and Valentines Day is coming up. I don't want to lose her for good.
upsetnhurt Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Acid, I thought we agreed on giving her space.............what's with the text? Do you think that will say her decision any? I assure you she will enjoy hearing from you and knowing you are thinking of her all while she is out finding herself........you won't grow individually that way and when and if she does come around you will not be able to keep up since you will have carried all this hurt and anger with you. NO CONTACT!
Author acidrein_08 Posted February 7, 2005 Author Posted February 7, 2005 Gawd it's hard. Everything around me makes me think of her and I just keep wanting to call her and fix things and get us back to normal. I'll try this no contact thing, even though it will hurt even more. I just hate to give up on the best thing thats happened to me.
Merin Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Originally posted by acidrein_08 Gawd it's hard. Everything around me makes me think of her and I just keep wanting to call her and fix things and get us back to normal. I'll try this no contact thing, even though it will hurt even more. I just hate to give up on the best thing thats happened to me. Hang in there.. Honestly right now, you CAN'T fix things acidrein.. she wants time alone to do her own thing without you.. and while I know that hurts you.. you can't make her do anything or feel anything.. respect her desire to be alone. Give yourself time...
upsetnhurt Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Well said CK. Most of us who are recently broken up have that knot in our stomach. You are not alone acid by any means. Stay strong and as minutes pass you will realize that you are a lot stronger than you think.
Author acidrein_08 Posted February 7, 2005 Author Posted February 7, 2005 OMG I CAN'T DO IT I WANT TO GO SEE HER TO TALK TO HER ABOUT THINGS TO LEAVE IT ALL ON THE TABLE AND FIND OUT HOW SHE TRULY FEELS. GOD I WANT TO CALL HER AND SEE HER..PLEASE HELP! MAYBE SHOULD I TALK TO HER FRIEND TO SEE WHAT SHE HAS SAID ABOUT IT?!
upsetnhurt Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 All three of us are dying here. I want to call too yet I realize my pride will suffer as well as the fact that there is nothing you can say to convince her to feel in any way different. She knows that you feel for her and she also knows that you are willing to do anything you can to make your relationship work. What more can you say? Do you really want someone to be with you out of pity, cause that's how it will be if you keep making her feel bad you are hurt. The only way you will be happy with her is if she comes back to you when she feels in her heart it is the right time. Unfortunately there are no guarantees of that and as such you need start to get a grip on yourself. How did you survive life before you met her? You did and you will again. Why did she like you to begin with, probably because you were a confident guy....know what are you if you keep calling and begging. How many times does she need to say no? I am being blunt as I am trying to convince myself and CK that we are doing the right things too.......be strong, we all will be.
Author acidrein_08 Posted February 7, 2005 Author Posted February 7, 2005 But it all happened right before she left for college. She had to leave becuase she had to work yesterday night. So when she blew up she had to go and we never had a chance to talk about things except for me telling her to stay. I forgot to say that she called later down the road to make sure I wasn't coming to her. I took the chance to apoligize for asking her to stay and said I was being selfish and that I knew she was going to be busy (thats why she needs time from me) so I told her to call me when she gets some free time. But no call. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I am clearly very dependant on her more than I even knew. I could go all week without seeing her as long as I knew we were together, but now I can't go one minute without her flooding my mind. I don't have any other girls I can go hang out with, and I definently know there is no one out there that will be everything I want like my baby. I haven't even told anyone yet.
Merin Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 There WILL be someone out there that WILL posess the qualities you seek AND the bonus will be that your feelings are returned.. She knows you're crazy about her (trust me, she knows) She knows you didn't want the break up She knows you still want to be with her AND She also knows how to get in contact with you when or if she wants to.. When she said she wanted time away, it meant from you, from the relationship.. if you look at it in a different perspective (and I know it's hard to do that because it's painful) that while yes she is going to be busy with school.. it isn't the ONLY reason she had/has for ending the relationship.. she isn't going to be attending classes 24/7 and honestly when you're crazy about someone.. you MAKE TIME for them. Give her some space.. and yourself some time to look at things more clearly.
FolderWife Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 acid, you're getting advice from people who have truely been there.
neule9 Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 hey, i know this may not help right now...but, one day you will understand this better. And, you cannot stop free will, so just let her go. I am sure it hurts so so much, allow yourself to feel the hurt, and essentially mourn the loss. You will only grow as a person, and your next relationship will be more fulfilling. You'll be okay.
Author acidrein_08 Posted February 7, 2005 Author Posted February 7, 2005 Omg you all she called while you all have been posting on here. Man CK I feel for you also man and I wish you lived around so we could go out and have fun to take our minds off these girls. But anyways yeah she just called me, and I was so excited. But I didn't give her it when she called. I answered and kind of played her off, and she was talking about how I could keep things (but in my mind I thought she missed me) so I asked her if she think she made the right decision, and she said she didn't know. And then I asked her if she loved me and she said yes. After a few minutes though she said 'well I'll let you go' but I didn't want to so I asked her to stay. We talked for two hours, and the first one was good. She was telling me how different she felt and said even though it hurts, it is what she wants. I told her that I haven't been giving her all of me, and hadn't come to see her enough, and promised I would make it up to her for another chance (yeah I know big mistake), but I thought she would think about it but she told me she has thought about everything and has made her decision, even though she had been crying before this. Before we got off she said she wanted to get off on a good note so I gave it my hardest and faked everything I could. Telling her I was proud of her and that if she ever needed to talk she could call me. She said I could do the same. Then I said if you have second thought call me and she said she would. And then we got off. I'M SO SAD! I thought by talking we could get it back to normal but it didn't work, i should have listened, she doesn't want me and now I don't have a reason to try...i just give up on everything, i had the most wonderful girl and she's gone..
Author acidrein_08 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 I have been in the bed for 13 hours and I just got up and got on here. The first thing I did was check my email and she wrote me one. I had told her on the phone yesterday that I had written her a long email after she broke up but didn't know whether to send it. Her email said "how come you dont want to send me that email you wrote? or did you really write it? i dont know but, i got on here thinkin that you sent it to me,but ..its all up to you rather or not you want me to read it." I'm hurting so much I wish she would realize she made a mistake and just call me, but what do you think I should do about the email?
FolderWife Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 Can you give her some space? She sounded like she wanted to get off the phone with you, but you wanted to talk, and since she feels bad for hurting you, she stayed and talked. If she still loves you, then she'll probably miss you and want you back. I think that the only chance you have of winning her back is to back off. Don't call for a while, and if she calls, be really nice to her, but don't pour out how much you love her and miss her. Let her think she's losing you. Be nice, but don't be desperate. Maybe after she has some time to miss you and some space to miss you, she'll want you back. But as far as I can see, that's the only choice that you have. If she doesn't want to be with you, then she's not going to be, and professing your love is just going to put her off. I am 99.99% sure that backing off will work. When I was dating, I'd have reservations about a guy. He'd be generous and sweet, and giving and I'd be iffy. I'd like him, but not as much as he'd like me. Then, he'd start to back off (*as guys do naturally*) and I'd get scared that I was losing him, and I'd work harder on the relationship. According to "men are from mars, women from venus" men 'go into a cave' had I known that back then, I'd have backed off and LET them go into their cave for a while. I'd let them pull away if that's what they needed. Unfortunately, I didn't know that, and thought they weren't feeling loved, so I'd clum onto them stronger, and they'd have to break up with me to get some space. Poor guys. So maybe her break up is just a cry for space. I mean, yeah, it's long distance, so that probably plays into it. Watch the Real World once in a while. Watch how people who've been in relationships for 3+ years go on The Real World, and go out partying, and then find themselves lonely and attracted to other people, so they call up their significant other, and ask if they can be single while they are on this trip, and then get back together when they get home. It's happened on every single episode. Maybe she is finding herself attracted to other guys, so rather than risk cheating on you and definately losing you forever, she's breaking up with you so she doesn't have to worry about losing you for good, and then when she can be with you every day, she'll commit herself to you again. It's HARD to be in a relationship where you never get to see, and touch someone. Women need to be hugged and kissed, and held, and we need sex too. Just look at Shavonda. And if you would like my experience with this...I had a boyfriend that wanted to take a job out of state. I told him that if he took a job out of state, that I was breaking up with him, because I saw no point in tying myself down to someone that I'd never get to see, or hold, or kiss, or hang out with. What is the point? I wanted someone to have fun with, not someone that would force me to stay at home and wait by the phone!
FolderWife Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by acidrein_08 I have been in the bed for 13 hours and I just got up and got on here. The first thing I did was check my email and she wrote me one. I had told her on the phone yesterday that I had written her a long email after she broke up but didn't know whether to send it. Her email said "how come you dont want to send me that email you wrote? or did you really write it? i dont know but, i got on here thinkin that you sent it to me,but ..its all up to you rather or not you want me to read it." I'm hurting so much I wish she would realize she made a mistake and just call me, but what do you think I should do about the email? You should delete the email. Do NOT open yourself up to her again. She asked why you don't want to send it to her. Tell her that it's full of emotions that you don't feel comfortable sharing with her any more.
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