Feel like a bully... :/

[loveandwar]

I feel like nearly 6 months on from my relationship, I am left looking like a bully.

I hate bully’s, I was bullied when I was younger, I deliberately watch out for the weaker people now, whether its younger people than me, physically weaker or just not clued in with what is going on in their situation/club/school/workplace. I always watch out for this and stand up for what I know is right, I don’t let bad **** happen to other people when im around.

 

Ive always vowed that If I witness a robbery, or someone being beaten, I will step in, odds against me, even if I am going to come out of that scenario much worse off, I will do it because I know it’s the right thing to do, rather than let someone go through something like that alone. I have had this ingrained in me because I wish people did it for me when I was younger, weaker and maybe naïve on certain things. For this reason, I feel upset and annoyed that I am seen as maybe a bully in my exes eyes.

 

We met up recently and somehow a small thing came up that used to be a chronic row in our relationship, a small thing on how we would chat online and she would go offline without saying anything to have dinner/ go to the gym or go out with friends, I never understood why she couldn’t write one more line to say talk later, instead of having me left there waiting for a response? Anyway this came up and immediately she got horribly defensive and said I am going to stick up for myself now like I wasn’t able to do when we were together.

 

It sounded so much like I bullied her into agreeing with me, or that she didn’t have a voice when we were together. Truth be told she just never communicated, I always tried and every time she would just stay silent until I spoke, I would ask a question and she would answer with “I don’t know” or just stay silent, and time I would begin to speak she would kind of throw out a universal start to a comment like “well it like this” or “you see it really is” and then she would say oh no you continue, even if I begged for her to say what she had to say. The same thing happened a few months ago also when we met up. I drove out to her after she had been on a night out with her girlfriends, she had been drinking and so she was easily able to voice her opinion this time but she just gave out to me about things like this, saying I spoke over her, and that she never was able to retaliate to me the way she would with anyone else in her life?

 

Honestly I was more upset than angry, I hate to be thought of as a bully, I really hope she didn’t actually feel she couldn’t say things to me. I am twice her height; I am very outgoing and very quick to reply. In saying all of this I would never harm someone, I would never consider myself a threat to someone and I really don’t like the idea that someone couldn’t voice his or her opinion toward me without having fear about it. When I look back at the arguments she was never really interested in getting to the bottom of things, because usually she felt she was in the right, and so it was just easier I guess to stay silent, communication was just awful between us for this kind of stuff. I find it unfair though that instead of taking responsibility for the fact that she never voiced an opinion she just likes the idea that I bullied her.

 

I gather its what her family and friends have been told also. They have all met me and know me well. They know I am very kind hearted. I am sure if they have been told this from her they wonder how it is true. Its not really a major issue, I don’t feel guilty because I really don’t feel I bullied her, I tried to understand what she was thinking. I have heard of blame shifting where an ex tries to shift blame onto you at the end for things that really were not as much your fault as they are making out to be, I guess I feel a bit of that right now

Edited May 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PhillyConnection23]

Did we date the same person?!

 

I remember only on with my ex recognizing that she could be indecisive or try too hard to please me that I would really try to get her to suggest something for us to do. I even pointed this out to my friends and they agreed!

 

Finally during the break up it came out that she "felt like she wasn't part of the relationship" "doesn't know who she is" or my favorite "afraid to suggest things for us to do because of how you would react"!

 

I said no to her twice the entire time we were together and I think both were legitimate reasons. Every other time I went along with her and did everything she wanted to do and encouraged her to do whatever she wanted.

 

I felt awful for the first few days after she said that to me but I learned to get over it because its just ridiculous. I know I have a controlling (in the sense of how I communicate. I don't demand people to do anything) personality but I also know that I wasn't controlling at all with her.