Sam23 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 I know many say "closure" is overrated, but how do you move on when there's no closure, apologies, etc? This was more of a friendship than a relationship, but we were close before it ended. Background: We were good friends, but I wanted a relationship and he kind of blew it off. We were still ok until he got a girlfriend. His girlfriend wouldn't let him talk to me, but I was also immature back then and said things that made me look foolish. I tried to remain friends and reconcile, but he ended doing some really harsh things to "get back at me" as his one friend said he told him. That was 3 years ago and I rarely think about it anymore. However, he keeps popping up. Not calling to say I'm sorry, but I catch him looking at my profile every couple months and it hurts all over again, especially since he's never apologized and there was a lot just left unsaid. I don't get why he told me he wanted me out of his life, but consistently checks up. He broke up with the girl, so I know it's not like she won't let him talk to me. I just want to get over it, but I have trouble everytime he reappears.
SurplusIndifference Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Closure comes from you, not from the other person. Often, it starts with forgiveness. You have to forgive them and you have to forgive yourself. 1
L1ght Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Closure definitely comes from us. Spot on.......but you don't have to forgive them at all. You just have to let go, forget them and move on. Forgiveness has way more meaning years after and when people are no longer blinded by the feelings they held on to after breaking up.
Ebman Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Forgiveness is not saying "what you did to me was right" but more "what you did to me is not going to stop me from being happy"
L1ght Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Forgiveness is not saying "what you did to me was right" but more "what you did to me is not going to stop me from being happy" To forgive is to give them attention. So forgiving them is best left for the time when you don't actually care about seeking their attention hence when you have moved on and care about other things in life besides them. 1
SurplusIndifference Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 To forgive is to give them attention. So forgiving them is best left for the time when you don't actually care about seeking their attention hence when you have moved on and care about other things in life besides them. I see it just the opposite. You don't have to communicate your forgiveness as the forgiveness is for you. Harboring thoughts of unforgiveness is a burdon on you. Forgive and let go. 2
L1ght Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) I see it just the opposite. You don't have to communicate your forgiveness as the forgiveness is for you. Harboring thoughts of unforgiveness is a burdon on you. Forgive and let go. Fundamentally I completely agree with you. No communication, no interaction, zero , nothing. Sure forgive yourself and forgive them in your mind but don't reach out....the time for reaching out is over. Edited May 5, 2014 by L1ght
L1ght Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Back to the OP's original point. The thing is that unfortunately if someone doesn't give you closure its basically a very disrespectful act. There is intention behind such an action, they want you to hurt, they want you to reach out and they want you to wonder about the "ifs and buts" constantly. That's why at the end of the day you gotta be able to walk away from it because if you don't you are basically feeding the troll. They are trolling in the biggest way possible so forget them. They had the chance to put things right but that chance is gone. More to life than waiting for someone to care. Move on. 1
Ebman Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 What if the person that just gives up and walks away does so because he tried everything he can to express his thoughts and feelings, yet the other person was incapable to express her feelings. If you've laid all your cards on the table and gone all in and the other person refuses to call... What then? If you've done the best you can, reached your limit, then just maybe.... It's ok to just walk away
jonsnuh Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 What if the person that just gives up and walks away does so because he tried everything he can to express his thoughts and feelings, yet the other person was incapable to express her feelings. If you've laid all your cards on the table and gone all in and the other person refuses to call... What then? If you've done the best you can, reached your limit, then just maybe.... It's ok to just walk away Yeah. You might want to go on NC immediately or she'll consider/twist people's perceptions with you as a stalker and use any unwanted contact from you against you. My ex was the worst kind of person. Wanted me to say how sexy she was a day before she disappeared for an entire week. And I got an email saying it was the end without explaining what happened. I thought she had died. I was going to bus back (We had a LDR) to see her at her convocation ceremony, and she told me not to, saying that she wasn't going to be coherent. I was angry at that point. But I knew better not to disrespect her parents, who I had an inkling that she had been keeping them in the dark about us toward the end of the relationship. I dare say she planned it all out. What turned out to be my method of trying to get an explanation from her was twisted and used against me as a caution from the police the next time I tried to call her. She didn't need to take it to that extreme. What the cop told me was that I was getting no closure. Don't make the same mistake I made with a crazy ex. I did nothing unreasonable. Closure will only come from you, not your friends and not your family. Hell, there might never be the closure you want to be satisfied (she was my first and I was completely shocked that she pulled the wool over my eyes). Do NC immediately, so that on the long haul you may or may not understand why it happened. The anger isn't there anymore, unless I were to see her again. But even if she was in front of me, I would not waste any time or ask why she did what she did. Even if she wanted to tell me, I would not give her that satisfaction. This is the feeling of closure you want to get to, once you realize your self-worth and that there really are many other singles out there. It's great to be single again, to meet new people, knowing how and where to improve, that you really are an outstanding individual moving closer to someone or some people who will truly love you. I've learned to embrace change. I believe you can do it, OP. It'll only seem like a bump, and maybe even a spark that will jump start your life again. But you need to make it so, and to get out of this miry pit you've found yourself in.
SurplusIndifference Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 What if the person that just gives up and walks away does so because he tried everything he can to express his thoughts and feelings, yet the other person was incapable to express her feelings. If you've laid all your cards on the table and gone all in and the other person refuses to call... What then? If you've done the best you can, reached your limit, then just maybe.... It's ok to just walk away "Laying all your cards on the table" and "doing everything you can" when the other person wants to "give up and walk away" sounds like a bad idea. They are pulling away from you when you are pushing them for something. All you end up doing is making you look like a creeper, stalker, obsessed ex and digging yourself into a hole. The more you push, the more they will pull away. It's not that they are heartless or cruel, they just need to cut the cord for their own good. Being a creeper, stalker, obsessed ex is the same thing in reverse...looking out for your own piece of mind without concern about how the other person feels. As for "then just maybe.... It's ok to just walk away." Not a maybe, it's encouraged to walk away. It'll be better for them and for you. 1
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