Ronnie33 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 (edited) I'm new here. I'm a MW in a 9month affair with an OM who has a gf. I have been unhappy in my marriage for years but I never had the nerve to leave because we have a young son and my husband is a great father. I never ever though I would have an affair. Truth is I didn't even know what an emotional affair was until my best friend told me I was having one. Me and a coworker had become friends and one day he came to work devastated that his gf of 5 years had left him. That day we had lunch and I listened and gave advice. For the next 7 months we had lunch everyday. We never left the building together and my husband knew about it. I honestly never thought anything would happen. We got along great but I was married and he was always respectful. He started dating someone and I would give him advice. We never talked about the problems in my marriage. He became my best friend. I knew I was starting to feel more and was pretty sure he was too so I told him we couldn't have lunch anymore. He begged me not to back away from him. I got laid off and that's when hings changed. We started texting and before I knew it we were meeting for lunch and it had turned into a full blown E/A. We have never had sex but have been physical. I have ended it before for two months but broke contact hoping we could be friends again but it wasn't long before it went back. I know I have to end it again. He is more serious with his gf and I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. It's just getting too hard for me because I want more but know at this point this is it. Everytime I try to back off he begs me not too. We don't say I love you or future fake even though we both know we love each other and in the beginning he used to say he would leave his gf if I was single. We are friends on fb and I see pics his gf tags him in and I hate it event though I know I have no right. I guess my question is how do you close the door and move on without always looking back and saying what if? The what if is what always brings me back but I know emotionally this affair is ripping me apart. I'm scared years from now I'll still think about him. I just want to be over him but I'm scared I never will be. Edited May 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Soverysad123 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 A tricky question. I think you have to go through the pain, so you can come out the other side. I also think those 'what ifs' can be multiple. What if we are meant to be together but also what if we are not and in having this A my son looses his family. During my A, the heights were great but the uncertainly and playing with my children's lives made it unbearable at times, really unbearable but I still continued for a year and the silly thing is that I miss him so very much, I spend hours upon hours thinking about him and wondering about the what ifs and then I remind myself that - I have a family that are mine and I need to look after and he also has one. We are not each other's. A are just so not worth it. I am looking forward to feeling normal again, I know it will take a long time but I can't wait for the day that I don't think what if and/or miss him. My advice would be to end it, give yourself time to grief and work on you. Lots of luck. You, as I do too have a bumpy road ahead. But it will make us stronger and realise what we have at home xx
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 Thanks for your response. I can understand your story when you say your husband is a good guy but you never should have been married. I think the what if for me is what if this person is supposed to be the one and I passed it by. I will always feel like it's my fault because I didn't have the courage to leave my marriage I was unhappy in. He wanted to be with me and would have left his gf but I just couldn't. Now when I try to end he puts up a fight and insists we can get over ad just be friends but we have tried and it never sticks. The worst part are the constant thoughts of him. I wish there was a way to turn it off. I went two months NC before and it didn't do much. I wish I could go back and never start this. Affairs are one big mind screw.
Wambo Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Thanks for your response. I can understand your story when you say your husband is a good guy but you never should have been married. I think the what if for me is what if this person is supposed to be the one and I passed it by. I will always feel like it's my fault because I didn't have the courage to leave my marriage I was unhappy in. He wanted to be with me and would have left his gf but I just couldn't. Now when I try to end he puts up a fight and insists we can get over ad just be friends but we have tried and it never sticks. The worst part are the constant thoughts of him. I wish there was a way to turn it off. I went two months NC before and it didn't do much. I wish I could go back and never start this. Affairs are one big mind screw. Have you ever asked yourself what will you do once this is all over? At the moment your mind is focus on ending the affair and good on you, but what will you do after that? In one year time where do you see yourself and how different will your life be compared to say one year ago? Beating the affair is one thing but there nothing waiting for you on the otherside. I think the problem is many people including myself are so determine to escape the shackles of the affair, we lose sight what we are fighting for. Once we finally escape we realised there's nothing waiting for us at the other end of the tunnel. This where it hit the hardest because all that hard work and we are left empty handed. At that point you will look back and will think: I wish I could go back and never start this. 1
sunburned Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I hate to be the first one to break it to you but you had more than an EA. Just b/c you didn't have sex doesn't meant it wasn't a PA. It's great you didn't cross that line, but you crossed a couple others of significance. Own it. I was in a similar boat in my A. We never had sex, but some serious high school style makeout sessions. I also want to suggest you read on goasksuzie dot com. She has great advice for gracefully ending an affair. You cannot be friends. I know, I wanted to be friends so badly but it's disaster b/c you will always want more. Two months isn't nearly enough time judge the merits of NC. Give yourself more -- some of us (myself included) are just slower in this department. Please don't blame his "begging" for your resuming the affair. Just say no. Make NC stick this time so he knows you are strong and you are serious! You said you aren't leaving anytime soon, so walk and give him a real chance at love with his GF. Anything else is selfish.
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Have you ever asked yourself what will you do once this is all over? At the moment your mind is focus on ending the affair and good on you, but what will you do after that? In one year time where do you see yourself and how different will your life be compared to say one year ago? Beating the affair is one thing but there nothing waiting for you on the otherside. I think the problem is many people including myself are so determine to escape the shackles of the affair, we lose sight what we are fighting for. Once we finally escape we realised there's nothing waiting for us at the other end of the tunnel. This where it hit the hardest because all that hard work and we are left empty handed. At that point you will look back and will think: I wish I could go back and never start this. I think a year from now I will either be leaving my husband or still in the marriage going through the motions but that scares me also. I think another reason this affair has taken so long to move past is because he fills a void that's been missing for a long time. That being said I want to be able to fill that void myself as not need someone else to do it. I was thinking about IC to help me because I really want to move on from this.
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 I hate to be the first one to break it to you but you had more than an EA. Just b/c you didn't have sex doesn't meant it wasn't a PA. It's great you didn't cross that line, but you crossed a couple others of significance. Own it. I was in a similar boat in my A. We never had sex, but some serious high school style makeout sessions. I also want to suggest you read on goasksuzie dot com. She has great advice for gracefully ending an affair. You cannot be friends. I know, I wanted to be friends so badly but it's disaster b/c you will always want more. Two months isn't nearly enough time judge the merits of NC. Give yourself more -- some of us (myself included) are just slower in this department. Please don't blame his "begging" for your resuming the affair. Just say no. Make NC stick this time so he knows you are strong and you are serious! You said you aren't leaving anytime soon, so walk and give him a real chance at love with his GF. Anything else is selfish. I am aware that it was more then a E/A but I was clarifying that we never had sex. I always knew if I crossed that line things would get way worse and it scared me even though we wanted to badly. I'm not using his begging as an excuse for staying. I care for him very much and we have become eachothers best friend so the thought of not speaking sucks . I hate NC. and have seen other woman agree on here that sometimes it makes it worse. I felt like those two months I obsessed more about how long it had been and when I would start to not think of him. Im hoping I could just ease off and go LC and eventually we will both just move on. Maybe it's just wishful thinking.
Wambo Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Would it be possible to ask you some questions? The reason why I'm asking because it's not everyday we get a woman at the center of an emotional affair. Most people here are women on the recieving end of a phsyical affair and their experiences are unrelated to mine. I was on the recieving end of an emotional affair and there are some questions still need answering. The only problem is I can't ask her because it would mean breaking NC and there's no way to predict how she will react to my questioning. When you were having your EA did you believe or aware what you were doing? At any point did you try to hide your EA from your husband and if so were you aware of it? The reason why I want to know because my exAP claimed she thought we were good friends and thought nothing of it. I just want to know if she was aware what she was doing.
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 Would it be possible to ask you some questions? The reason why I'm asking because it's not everyday we get a woman at the center of an emotional affair. Most people here are women on the recieving end of a phsyical affair and their experiences are unrelated to mine. I was on the recieving end of an emotional affair and there are some questions still need answering. The only problem is I can't ask her because it would mean breaking NC and there's no way to predict how she will react to my questioning. When you were having your EA did you believe or aware what you were doing? At any point did you try to hide your EA from your husband and if so were you aware of it? The reason why I want to know because my exAP claimed she thought we were good friends and thought nothing of it. I just want to know if she was aware what she was doing. When we started having lunch everyday and emailing eachother all time I was not aware. We never spoke about my marriage problems or talked outside of work so I didn't think anything. Then as months went by I could tell things were changing between us and we were developing feelings. When I got laid off is when we started texting outside of work and that's when I knew we were entering into an affair. My husband knew I would eat lunch with him everyday. When I left my job and we started texting I never told my husband and he thinks we have no contact.
Wambo Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 When we started having lunch everyday and emailing eachother all time I was not aware. We never spoke about my marriage problems or talked outside of work so I didn't think anything. Then as months went by I could tell things were changing between us and we were developing feelings. When I got laid off is when we started texting outside of work and that's when I knew we were entering into an affair. My husband knew I would eat lunch with him everyday. When I left my job and we started texting I never told my husband and he thinks we have no contact. When you started having feelings for your best friend, did you tell your husband or did he suspect something was going on? If you didn't tell your husband, did you want to progress the friendship with your best friend or did you put in some boundaries to contain it? I would like to thank you for answering my questions. It does appear our situations has an awful lot in common but I hope your NC run smoother than mine. It's not going to be easy and don't expect an happy ending once you achieve full NC.
Owl Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Thanks for your response. I can understand your story when you say your husband is a good guy but you never should have been married. I think the what if for me is what if this person is supposed to be the one and I passed it by. I will always feel like it's my fault because I didn't have the courage to leave my marriage I was unhappy in. He wanted to be with me and would have left his gf but I just couldn't. Now when I try to end he puts up a fight and insists we can get over ad just be friends but we have tried and it never sticks. The worst part are the constant thoughts of him. I wish there was a way to turn it off. I went two months NC before and it didn't do much. I wish I could go back and never start this. Affairs are one big mind screw. You need to start off by making a choice...one not around your relationship with OM directly. Do you want to remain married to your H, or not? If you want to make a change in your life...you need to start by solving that problem. If you want to remain married...OM has to be removed from the equation completely, totally, immediately. If you do not want to remain married...focus on ending your marriage right now, immediately, and see where things go with OM later.
Owl Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Focusing on resolving your marital issues one way or another will help you deal with the current OM situation eventually. Either it allows you to detach from him while you focus on fixing your marriage, or focus on ending your marriage.....or it frees you up to be with OM eventually if he's your choice.
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 When you started having feelings for your best friend, did you tell your husband or did he suspect something was going on? If you didn't tell your husband, did you want to progress the friendship with your best friend or did you put in some boundaries to contain it? I would like to thank you for answering my questions. It does appear our situations has an awful lot in common but I hope your NC run smoother than mine. It's not going to be easy and don't expect an happy ending once you achieve full NC. I didn't tell my husband when my feelings changed. As far as boundaries we never left the building together or spoke said anything about our feelings until the last week I was at my job. When I told him I was starting to feel more and we had to stop eating lunch together he got really upset and said he didn't want to lose me and felt the same way. That's when things changed for good.
Author Ronnie33 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 You need to start off by making a choice...one not around your relationship with OM directly. Do you want to remain married to your H, or not? If you want to make a change in your life...you need to start by solving that problem. If you want to remain married...OM has to be removed from the equation completely, totally, immediately. If you do not want to remain married...focus on ending your marriage right now, immediately, and see where things go with OM later. I do not want to stay in marriage. My husband and I seperated two years ago and got back together because I felt like it was best for my son but now I realize I have to leave. I'm working on it.
Darren Steez Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I do not want to stay in marriage. My husband and I seperated two years ago and got back together because I felt like it was best for my son but now I realize I have to leave. I'm working on it. Don't you think it's prudent to tell your husband you want to leave? You're working on leaving, you're working on detaching *well you already have* You have the safety net of another person to feel lovey dovey about. I have no problems with affairs as such as long as people are honest and tell their spouses so they can decide to leave and pursue their own relationships. You go and be happy. Just tell your husband the truth. It's really that simple, hard but then again the truth will be on your side.
Wambo Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Ronnie33 I do not know what your marriage situation is like and therefor I can't give good advice. However being the otherman, I can provide you with some perspective what it's like being in this type of situation and how much it hurt if things become a stalemate. The best way to decribe this is I feel like I'm being used and it hurt to think I went through so much pain and I'm left by myself while she is sleeping with that c*nt everynight. It's a very painful process to seperate from very a good friend who became an affair partner. A lot of the time I been thinking about why did she do this to me, I thought we were friends? It's so bad I feel like I had been impaled by a medieveal pike and survived but at the sametime sustaining heavy injuries. I honestly feel like I had been psyhically injured by going through this how odeal. Darren Steez gave you his opinion of your event but what I can tell you your friendship with your best friend is going to worsen the longer this plays out. My exAP made the mistake not only throwing me into an EA twice but attempted it the third time and it hurt to think I'm this to her. We no longer work on the same department and the only way to continue the EA is to meet outside and you all know what that why do. This is take from Love panky: 18 emotional affair signs you probably didn't notice......... If you’re in an emotional affair with someone, you’d be jeopardizing your own relationship with your partner and may even start picking flaws in a perfect relationship. So now that you know you’re in an emotional affair, what do you want to do? There are just two things you can do in this crossroad. Break up with your partner. Or end the emotional affair. These emotional affair signs don’t lie. Now it’s time to stop lying to yourself and make that decision, before it’s too late. Most websites state you need to end the affair and save your relationship/marriage. The question you need to ask yourself did you fight to save your marriage?
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