Mars vs. Venus: Stage 2- Uncertainty

[KatZee]

Has anyone read this book or have experience with this stage?

 

I've never really been a dater. I've always been in a relationship. Trying to navigate the dating scene as an adult is AWFUL.

 

Anyway, I've been talking to this guy for 3 months now. We hit it off immediately and we've been in daily contact for 3 months. We've been flirty, have things in common, mutual attraction, we were getting to know each other, had dates, our conversations lasted hours, so did our phone convos. We just could talk forever.

 

He made comments about how he's never talked to a girl the way he talks to me, I'm special, blah blah blah. So I went out on a limb (at 3 months I don't think it's scary to tell someone that you like them) and I told him how I felt.

 

All was good up until two weeks ago. We went to the movies, it ended with him dropping me off, us kissing, he contacted me that weekend sending me pics of him with his family, he made a funny comment about what would happen if we were officially together and then POOF. Gone.

 

I let it go for a couple of days and then casually reached out, we spoke briefly and he said he was sick and super busy at work. OK fine. I let it go for a couple more days. But this was never like him. He's always been busy with work. So I reached out one more time, he responded, but dropped off again.

 

I guess it's time to take a hint I won't be reaching out again. I didn't demand any answers or act crazy or ask where he's been or anything.

 

But we've had so many conversations where he's told me he's interested and if he wasn't and didn't think anything would work out he would straight up tell me. He hasn't. He's just vanished.

 

According to Mars vs. Venus this would be considered Stage 2: Uncertainty. Where guys basically withdraw, disappear and reassess everything, that they know they're heading into relationship territory and want to make sure that's what they want.

 

I'm not sitting around on him, I actually went out on a first date since this occurred and I'm seeing my friends, etc... but wth. Am I an idiot to have some hope he'll come around eventually?

[Leigh 87]

It's when a guy REALLY likes you... but he then discovers that he's not crazy about you.

 

This is very common. I've started out thinking that I was really into a guy.. only to then "realise" that I actually wasn't smitten with him.

 

He could "come around" and have legitimate reasons as to why he pulled away.

 

Someone like you should know by now that if a guy genuinely falls hard enough then he doesn't just go poof. He'd want to confide a little in you and use you as a positive in his life to get through personal issues.

Edited May 3, 2014 by Leigh 87

[sagetalk]

People who provide a healthy, long term, relationship for you don't just go poof. Don't learn from the school of hard knocks, it hurts.

[Gaeta]

3 months dating and he had not sealed the deal with you, that was indicative that he talked the talk but didn't walk the walk. If you had been THIS amazing to him he would have made your relationship official quite early to make sure you didn't fly off to someone else.

 

Also, after 3 months dating you address issues directly. If you had been dating 2-3 weeks and he's pulling off yes I would have said give him some space and let him get back to you, not after 3 months. You have invested enough time into each other to expect an explanation on the change of attitude.

 

Yes I have noticed that after 'the exclusivity talk' the man will withdraw a little, it usually last 24-48 hours and he springs right back.

[deathandtaxes]

Only talking for three months or going out on dates those three months? I'm not quite sure, reading your post. If you were talking three months prior to meeting up, this inevitably happens. Expectations are crazily built up. And they weren't met. So he bails.

[Versacehottie]

i don't unfortunately remember that part of the book. however, based on real life stories: i know several instances where the guy does come back, really good stories-long lasting relationships and some, of course, where a poof is just a poof. From what you said I think you are handling it 100% perfect. You are doing the right thing by going on dates with others, doing stuff with friends, going on with your life and a couple of attempts to make contact and that's it. Hopefully, right about now he's starting to wonder why you are not so accessible that's why you shouldn't make any more contact attempts. That part is in his hands now and he knows what to do. You need him in a wondering and worrying state that some other guy will scoop you up. If you chase him he will just take his time and not make a move, in fact often decide you are not valuable enough to move forward with. Plus you are covering your bases by going out with others. Who knows one of those could turn into something special.

 

I don't agree with the comments that say everything needs to go perfect and smoothly and without doubt and where you are put on a pedestal by a guy "if he really likes you". The truth of the matter is: i know too many stories where things were not smooth but there a great relationship came out of it and you may throw away a perfectly fine guy just because of this fairy tale thinking (which it doesn't sound like you are doing. but just be careful of advice that supports that). It's a fine line because you also have to be cautious that you are not making excuses for the guy or bad behavior on his part. Guys most definitely process their feeling differently than most women and tend to need some space to do it. But unfortunately a fade out and this "space" look exactly the same so it's hard to tell what's going on. Whole point is that it's not your job nor should you get caught up in figuring it out. Take care of yourself first and you become the most attractive to him anyway. And that includes if he pulls back, well of course you do. Why would you invest your precious time into someone who poofs on you? It doesn't mean never invest but certainly not when he pulls a disappearing act. And WHEN he comes back, make sure he knows that you are uncertain yourself about his candidacy as boyfriend material for you. Don't forgive too easily. Trust me, he will respect this approach and you will benefit from it, short and long term.

 

p.s. i'm an optimist and realist (i think) and quite sure if you've been talking every day for last 3 months, he is not gone for good. Handle this period with great care. Good luck!

[Leigh 87]

Ummmm, actually, MOST guys who are really into a girl do not need to dissappear for days.

 

Life is not a fairy tale... I was not suggesting that. My bf and I nearly broke up. Things didn't start "perfect". He had an awful thing happen to him that made our earlier dating difficult.

 

But all the guys I know who smitten with a girl did NOT suddenly stop texting.

 

I have never hear of a guy or met a guy, personally, who fell hard for a girl and was super into her and yet had to "have space" after 3 MONTHS.

 

Some guys can really like but they are not TAKEN by you and therefore yes they do need space in order to figure out if they are into you enough to continue investing in you.

 

Many women don't require that a guy is SUPER into them... As in crazy about them, from the outset. If Kate doesn't need a guy who's crazy about her but who grows to be very fond of her and to grow to love her over a lot of time, then this guy could very well be good long term relationship material.

 

This could work out, if the guy seemed great and you loved your time together he may simply need time to decide if he is into you enough to continue.

 

If you want a guy who is crazy about you, then he isn't your guy. Men who fall head over heels don't dissappear after 3 MONTHS.

 

They say slow and steady wins the race and MOST relationships start something like this. ........ The guy really likes you but he needs more time to figure out if he wants to invest in a relationship.

 

I choose guys who I know immediately if there is just "something" about me and who are in love with me by email months opposed to the men who take 3 months to figure out if they feel strongly encourage enough to continue.

 

Are you comfortable if he came back and simply needed to "figure out" whether he was I to you enough to continue?

[Leigh 87]

On smart phone it doesn't let me the properly:mad:

 

apologies.

 

It doesn't allow to edit posts unless they are super short like this.

[iris219]

I've never had a guy who was serious about me withdraw. Men who like you and want to start a relationship aren't going to risk it by withdrawing. There shouldn't be uncertainty if both people want the same thing.

 

I think you're right to not contact him again.