DiscoFever Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Well this is something I've been debating posting for a long while, I'll skip to the basics. Long story short; dated this girl, perfect relationship, ended due to a large misunderstanding. Talked about it 5 months later, gave the "I would like to give it another shot one day" line, nothing built on that and she went into a long distance relationship with a guy friend, I started dating other girls again. He dumped her a month later, two weeks after noted how we are "so distant now". Conversation lead on to things, then said again she would like to give us another chance if we "get back to the old us". I asked for clarification, she reiterated what I did for "us" back then. (Such as start conversations more, be more opinionated, tell her about my day, just be the old me in a sense) and I gave a similar list back to her. I've posted this in the coping category as I'm finding being the "old" me to her is difficult, I've got the mental image in my head that like before if I try be the old me, that will start more fights. A mutual friend has been giving some help, going as far as to ask things I wouldn't normally ask, she posted a screenshot of her talking to my ex over Facebook where my ex said "because I value him so highly that I can tell him. I want him to tell me things and I want him to just say what is in his head and not worry about how I'll react, because I just want to know things" along with other things. Much like I mentioned, after we broke up even after NC there was a long time of mistrust and mixed signals, I tried a few times to sort things out but she was always hesitant. Then when it was sorted, she mentioned how she thought she trusted me, then when the misunderstanding came about "it killed her", and that lead onto her saying she's "scared" to trust me again, but she seems happy enough to trust me now. However, now she's adjusted to cope in life without me, which makes getting back together more difficult. I feel confidence is key here, she's on a weekend holiday with her brother and a few friends upcountry which gives me time to improve myself all I can. Opinions guys?
Author DiscoFever Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 The misunderstanding was over some issues her 'friend' created out of jealousy, It was a number of things but most notably twisting my words and directly saying I'm cheating with her (the friend) behind my girlfriends back, over time she became insecure and I can see she started to pull away. I'm 22 and she just hit 21 a week ago, I live in the city over from where she does.
livingnightmare Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 I'll be following this one, been unable to get mine back for a long time now, feel its hampering me moving on, finding someone and life in general. Wish I new to tell you.
Ebman Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Trusting your word over her friend's word is a major conflict for her. Trust is like a cheap toy. It breaks easily and can't really be repaired. Don't spend too much time on trying to fix it. At the tender age of 22 you should be playing the field. Have some one night stands. Make a few mistakes and one day when the thought of having kids and becoming a father pops into your head.... Only then start taking love serious.
Author DiscoFever Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 Ebman: Although I agree about the trust statement, I don't feel that there is really any issue with trust, just that she wants us to put in more effort as individuals to be the people we were before. About a hour ago when I was doing a little research into how I actually did act, I can see there is a good difference to my behavior towards her, I think all I really need to do is just get back to how I was, if I would even want another chance with her anyway. Livingnightmare: Happy to help, I feel the same way too to some degree. I've got close to a few girls but mentally my head always goes back with her, we only dated some 6 months but we suited so well for each other, but the relationship never fully had the time to flourish given the circumstances.
elseaacych Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Can you cope without her? If the answer is no, you still aren't past the relationship. Honestly, the best chance at reconciliation is when you two have moved past the issues that made your break up happen. And not just barely past them. Totally passed, grown, matured. Essentially you are both new people. Think about it. Every single day you are changed just a little bit due to your life experiences. When you are in a relationship, it's exciting because you grow together into a cohesive team. Communication is key, and you learn how to do that together. Apart, you have to deal with dating other people, the betrayal of the break up, you still have to learn how to communicate better but you have to do it on your own without an understanding of your partner's quirks. Ultimately, you have to learn to be comfortable with the idea that they could leave you again, and you have to be willing to forgive her for that, not just once but twice. If you are the same people you were when you first met, you won't have had that experience and knowledge. Essentially, you can't treat her like you did when you first met her. You have to treat her better. And she has to treat you better. You both have to treat each other better so that it doesn't happen again. Part of achieving the distance is achieving clarity of how and why all things went wrong, and whether or not you think you can avoid those missteps again. Do not be in a rush to get back with her. You need the time to get your head straight about what you really want and you had better be willing to move mountains. Likewise, she has to be willing to move mountains for you. I think you both need some time in NC, (maybe a month), given the duration of the relationship to get that clarity. Addendum: Also, do you want to marry her? Second chances should be reserved for people who are THAT SPECIAL. 2
Author DiscoFever Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Can you cope without her? I can to some extent, I've been able to cope for the past 8 months we've been broken up, but my mind does dwindle on the possibility of a reconciliation, if that was ever to happen that is. There's no harm in trying, and I'm willing to give it one shot. I feel I am past the whole breakup and we have both grown apart from one another as individuals, It's been long enough for me to go through exactly what went wrong and why for both of us. I think to me It's trying to cope getting back to the correct mindset. Do not be in a rush to get back with her. You need the time to get your head straight about what you really want and you had better be willing to move mountains. Likewise, she has to be willing to move mountains for you. I think you both need some time in NC, (maybe a month), given the duration of the relationship to get that clarity. I agree, I'm willing to give it a shot, but It's trying to become that fun guy I was when we met that I'm finding difficult, at the moment I know she's not really in a rush to get back as much as I am either, she's moving away late 2016 (Which, I am too, with or without her. It's going to be the same city) which I know is lingering on her mind, but two years isn't technically short term. Addendum: Also, do you want to marry her? Second chances should be reserved for people who are THAT SPECIAL. Honestly, Yes. I can see myself marrying this girl or a similar girl like her one day, we share the same ambitions, the same goals, the same jokey humor, even her parents thought she found "The One" for her, but due to complications the relationship ended prematurely.
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