suckerpunch55 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Well at last my wife told me about the OM and I really wished she hadn't. He's 15 years her junior and married with 2 small children!!! What the hell was she, they, thinking of? I know my wife is an attractive woman but still she's an attractive 53 year old woman. I have not slept a wink all last night, comparing myself with the OM, sure I'm way older than him but I'm steady, secure, loyal and honest, worked hard all my life, I don't abuse alcohol and have never been near drugs. Yes I have never been the life and sole of the party, I like peace and quite in all aspects of my life, not exciting but this way one of the reasons my wife and I got together in the first place, everyone told 'opposites attract', Hmmm... At 5:30 this morning I was looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and yes I do look my age, especially after finding out about the affair and just look you know, tired, tired of life in general at the moment. Been thinking last night of going to the gym, swimming and going running, a diet, you name it, I've thought about it. Am I just being a stupid OLD man??
purplesorrow Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Well at last my wife told me about the OM and I really wished she hadn't. He's 15 years her junior and married with 2 small children!!! What the hell was she, they, thinking of? I know my wife is an attractive woman but still she's an attractive 53 year old woman. I have not slept a wink all last night, comparing myself with the OM, sure I'm way older than him but I'm steady, secure, loyal and honest, worked hard all my life, I don't abuse alcohol and have never been near drugs. Yes I have never been the life and sole of the party, I like peace and quite in all aspects of my life, not exciting but this way one of the reasons my wife and I got together in the first place, everyone told 'opposites attract', Hmmm... At 5:30 this morning I was looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and yes I do look my age, especially after finding out about the affair and just look you know, tired, tired of life in general at the moment. Been thinking last night of going to the gym, swimming and going running, a diet, you name it, I've thought about it. Am I just being a stupid OLD man?? No, you are not being stupid! You are having a more than normal reaction to a horrible situation. Her actions were about her, not you. From the way you describe yourself, you sound like a great guy. Stop comparing yourself to someone who would hurt their family to sneak around with a married woman. Don't pick yourself apart over her choices. I wasted too much time doing that. Eat and rest as much as your mind will allow, it will be difficult at first. Exercise helped me a lot with the rage and other countless emotions I encountered. Focus on taking care of you, be gentle and kind to yourself. 2
harrybrown Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Have you exposed the A to the OM's wife? She deserves to know. Is your wife remorseful and stopped contacting the OM? Or do you need to file for divorce? 1
bobwhite007 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Sorry your going thru this. Join a gym it will help with your self esteem to get back in shape. I still have 26 lbs to loose to be at my ideal weight but I already can tell a difference. Good luck.
Buckeye2 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 You seem to have just passively accepted your wife’s affair and want to know how to improve yourself. Do you want to stay married? Does she want to stay married? Do you have kids? How long have you been married? Any other affairs by either of you? Does she want to end the affair or not? For now find out all you can about the affair. How long it has been going on etc. At some point you will have to do the 180 (look it up) if you want to keep her or not.
oldshirt Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Well at last my wife told me about the OM and I really wished she hadn't. That knowledge hurts but it's always better to know the true state of your marriage so you can make an informed decision on what to do about it. He's 15 years her junior and married with 2 small children!!! What the hell was she, they, thinking of? Attraction and desire are not conscious choices based on facts and figures and rational thought processes. It's deep, instinctual and animalistic. They were not thinking. They were responding to their desires. I know my wife is an attractive woman but still she's an attractive 53 year old woman. Just because there's a little snow on the roof, doesn't mean that there isn't a fire burning in the furnace. She is still an alive, healthy, adult female. She still has sexual desires and feelings. The catch is that over the years, she has probably lost some (or maybe even a lot ) sexual feelings and desires for you. I have not slept a wink all last night, comparing myself with the OM, sure I'm way older than him but I'm steady, secure, loyal and honest, worked hard all my life, I don't abuse alcohol and have never been near drugs. Yes I have never been the life and sole of the party, I like peace and quite in all aspects of my life, not exciting but this way one of the reasons my wife and I got together in the first place, everyone told 'opposites attract', Hmmm... Those are all good traits for a good friend or a loyal dog, not a lover. She was needing a lover and some passion and excitement and stimulation and desire. At 5:30 this morning I was looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and yes I do look my age, especially after finding out about the affair and just look you know, tired, tired of life in general at the moment. Been thinking last night of going to the gym, swimming and going running, a diet, you name it, I've thought about it. Am I just being a stupid OLD man?? No, you are right on the money. Start today. Start eating right and working out like the survival of the universe depends on it. One of a couple things are going to happen here. Either you are going to try to reconcile and save the marriage or you are going to divorce. Both of those options depend on you being as fit, healthy, strong, vigorous and confident as possible. She stepped out and get some passion and sexuality because she was bored and had lost her desire and attraction for you. You were that calm, steady, faithful, secure and safe husband whereas the OM was strong and virile and sexual and daring and probably had a more toned and fit and attractive body. If you are going to reconcile and have any hope of having any kind of happy, healthy, full-service marriage (as opposed to roommate agreement where you are basically just "friends" living under the same roof and sharing bills) you are going to have to become the man that she would want to have an affair with. Being vigorous and strong and fit and toned is going to be a huge part of that. If you are going to divorce and you would like to ever have another woman in your life and have any kind of sexual chemistry and sexlife with her, you will also have to be healthy and fit and attractive. So matter how you slice it, if you want to have any semblance of a sex life, you are going to have to healthy and virile and fit enough to attract a woman and be able to have the physical prowess to do it. My responses in bold above. 1
Bryanp Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 If the roles were reversed would your wife have passively accepted your affair as you have hers?
Author suckerpunch55 Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 I could never accept the affair continuing, and I have asked her what if the situation was reversed, she just hung her head 2
harrybrown Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Has she written you a timeline of the affair, and gone NC with the OM? Have you exposed the affair to her family and the OM's SO?
fellini Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Ill reply to your post. My WS is also 53, she chose a man her same age. When ilearned about their relationship i began to see myself exactly as you do now. Its not necessarily the age of the AP, its what happens to us inside, how we suddenly see ourselves differently. My ws keeps calling me "guapo", but all it does is make me feel the opposite. I have never wondered if i was attractive as a partner to her, now i only see myself as old and unattractive. Im sorry for your pain. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Maybe what you should do is tell her that since you can't compete with a much younger guy, then she should pack up and go live with him and in 10 years when she's 63, and he's 48 and pounding a younger woman rather than come home to a senior citizen. I would also let her know that not only are you older than this guy but so is your money and he can now support her because your not doing it any more. You don't need to hit a gym and pump up and buying hair in a can or dying it. Hell when she takes her make up off, I promise you that she looks 53 or more and the young stud has seen her at her best so now let him see her at her worse. I would point to the door and tell her to have fun and screw his eyeballs out but when she's done, tell her that she better have another place to live because she's no longer welcome to your old home, your old bed and your old security that you provided for her. 3
drifter777 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 You aren't asking for any advice about dealing with your wife's affair so I won't offer any. As for looking and feeling 'old' - you aren't a kid anymore and I understand the insecurity you are feeling. I see this insecurity as somewhat of a diversion to dealing with the reality of your marriage and her cheating but it certainly is a place to start. Find a counselor ASAP and start working on understanding and working on the flood of emotions you are feeling. Starting counseling for yourself will also feel good because you are actually doing something about the situation rather than feeling like a helpless victim. What she has done is selfish, disgusting, and completely wrong. You need to stop trying to make sense out of her nonsense and focus on your own recovery. This way you will understand what, if anything, she has to do in order to give your marriage a chance to recover. It's not about her right now; ignore her and take care of yourself. 3
TheWalkingMan Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) You need to divorce this woman asap. She has zero love or respect for you. Not only does she have no qualms about breaking up her own family, but other families as well. That is disgusting behavior and something I would not expect from an adult. You need to divorce..NOW. She can go be the other mans problem and not yours. Also don't worry, even if the other guy is younger then you..he is also way more slimey too. Actually, have you made sure you have told the OM's wife? If you haven't, do it immediately. He doesn't get to come in, mess with your life, and then walk away without a single bruise. Life isn't like that. You aren't a stupid old man, just a guy with rotten luck who got stuck with a rotten partner. Divorce her and tell the OM's family about the affair. You walk away with your head held high while she..does not. Edited May 7, 2014 by TheWalkingMan 2
Man Mountain Makino Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Maybe what you should do is tell her that since you can't compete with a much younger guy, then she should pack up and go live with him and in 10 years when she's 63, and he's 48 and pounding a younger woman rather than come home to a senior citizen. I would also let her know that not only are you older than this guy but so is your money and he can now support her because your not doing it any more. You don't need to hit a gym and pump up and buying hair in a can or dying it. Hell when she takes her make up off, I promise you that she looks 53 or more and the young stud has seen her at her best so now let him see her at her worse. I would point to the door and tell her to have fun and screw his eyeballs out but when she's done, tell her that she better have another place to live because she's no longer welcome to your old home, your old bed and your old security that you provided for her. I'm inclined to agree. The worst thing you can do to this pair is let him have her.
painfullyobvious Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 She has to end her affair pronto or you need to make a decision on your marriage. She does not get both unless you allow this which is not healthy for your self esteem, your health or your self worth. Do all things that will keep your mind occupied and work on yourself. However you need to stop badgering your wife because you appear desperate without imposing any real consequences. Start ignoring her and take care of yourself, look at your options with an attorney, if she is going to keep seeing other man kick her out, and expose this relationship with his family/work. 1
Friskyone4u Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 I would not beat yourself up over the age of OM. A woman that is prone to have an affair can ALWAYS find a man willing to put his penis in her.would you have felt great is he was 60. ? I doubt it! The fact that she lied and deceived you was exactly the same and his age had nothing to do with it.
chelsea2011 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 This happened to someone I know and at first they felt old, but then decided to say "screw you" and began focusing on what makes them happy. He now has much more respect for himself and his view of his SO has changed significantly. He's lost respect for her and doesn't give a sh** what she thinks of him anymore. Before that, he was always worried about what she thought. Sometimes what goes round comes round. The OM is now stalking him - showing up at the building where he works - poking around trying to find info on her. He is of the mind-set now that it's her mess to fix and has washed his hands of it. As a matter of fact, when he saw the OM in the parking lot a few days ago it made him smile because she had no idea this guy would start poking around for the truth. He didn't tell her though. He figured she would find out in due time. Being married makes your situation much more difficult, but the same theory applies. Stop comparing yourself because you are more than worthy and stop caring what she thinks and focus solely on you. Start doing the things you've always wanted to do but never did etc. Her choices will come home to roost soon enough and she will wake up and realize the consequences of her actions. In the meantime, if you CHOOSE to stay, get out there and have a good time as hard as that may be at the moment. Force yourself and turn off the negative tape she inserted in your brain.
firemanq Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 At 5:30 this morning I was looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and yes I do look my age, especially after finding out about the affair and just look you know, tired, tired of life in general at the moment. Been thinking last night of going to the gym, swimming and going running, a diet, you name it, I've thought about it. Am I just being a stupid OLD man?? Time to get a bike! You are never too old! 2014 Touring Ultra Limited | Harley-Davidson USA
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