solost28 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 (edited) So i posted my whole story under "husbands affair resulted in baby" my husband saw them going thru my phone and posted a reply that was 90% untrue or exaggerated. But after that he sat and talked w me finally and told me that basically that he loves me and only me it was a mistake hes sorry and he wants nothing to do w the ow. Im not leaving him. After what i wrote on here it might sound foolish but heres the deal...i love this man w every ounce of my being. And although hes ****ty at showing it he feels the same. Eventhough ive never cheated i have made mistakes...big ones and hes stuck by me as ive stuck by him. Our love and passion for eachother is intense. My problem is that he doesnt show his feelings or talk about things...like ever. I am a very emotional and verbal person and my husband would rather lie than tell me the truth and risk a fight. He couldve come home and told me some broad kissed him at the bar instead of getting her # and txting her the nxt day. The way the convo went i could tell that they were hangin around the same ppl and were flirting w eachother. The girl kissed him. Had he come home and told me what happened i might have gotten mad and accusatory so he decided to just keep it to himself. But now that ive found out i feel i cant trust him yet again. Between that and the ow being 10days away from giving birth im a crazy mess. I take any opportunity to make side comments about his past and he flips his lid cuz hes so sick of hearing it everyday. So now were fighting all the time.we wont make it if it keeps going like this. How am i supposed to keep my mouth shut not ask any questions or mention anything when its always on my mind? How am i supposed to move forward when its impossible to forget about a baby? And how can i rebuild trust when he kissed that girl at the bar and then EXCHANGED #S and continued on with it? He has absolutely 0 tolerance for anything he goes crazy if he feels like hes being questioned or accused even if it wasnt anything i did on purpose. I need help. Edited May 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add link
Fluttershy Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Let's ignore him for a moment. I could tell you a lot of things an res flags about him but you have made up your mind. I was codependant on my husband. He was my everything and I lost me. After he confessed his affair and some time passed I realized I didn't want to be needy and clingy. I wanted to be okay if he cheated again or died. Not that I wouldn't feel pain but that I would know by myself I could e conpletely 100% happy. To find my strength inside of me. You need to work on you and your self esteem. I encourage you to get a little healthy selfishness into you and work on your own personal growth. I read a lot of motivational books and sought a really good IC who challenged me and didn't just try to blame my actions on my parents. 2
turnera Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 You should tell him that if he won't start going to therapy with you at least twice a month, you'll just go ahead and file for divorce. You two need professional help.
Author solost28 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Therapy is very expensive and i really dont think he would open up i think it would end up in more fights after the sessions...sigh
janedoe67 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 This man has no remorse. I believe in redemption. I'm trying to have my own. But he doesn't care one whit about what he did. His post on your other thread says it all. Until he shows some REAL humility I'd stay away. 2
harrybrown Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 If he will not go to counseling with you, the only thing that I can see that might help is to start the 180 for yourself. That baby is going to be a subject for a very long time. If he will not or can't talk to you, you do need help and you may have to go to counseling for yourself. You have been hurt in a big way, and you can't ignore it and hope it will get better. You will be thinking about this every day for a long time. I sure do. 1
No Limit Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 I don't believe in redemption and I just can't believe you'd even consider for the slightest of a second to take him back. How much does he have to do until you finally believe the only thing all his actions have so far indicated: I could care less about your feelings, now go make me some food or else I'll find someone else to do it for me. He's hiding behind your back to be as little involved with that kid as possible and you just accept it. Why?
turnera Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Therapy is very expensive and i really dont think he would open up i think it would end up in more fights after the sessions...sigh In other words, you're afraid of making him mad, so you'll just stick to hiding from him and doing whatever it takes to not upset him. The problem with that is that men like him will just keep finding NEW things to be mad at you about. You'll never be in his good graces again. 1
Author solost28 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 You all really are right. I have changed myself so much that literally there is nothing outside him and the kids. That being said ge has saved me from getting hurt by other people and protects me from being hurt b vthe world. I dont even feel safe going places w o him besides like the park/grocery store. The day i posted this i went on facebook and his brother and ex girlfriend were making inside jokes referring to him. I thought they were talking about me so i called his brother and he told me he was saying basically that my husband is dirty and would sleep w anyone given hakf a chance. I was so screwed up after that . I wouldnt let him touch me and i became so indifferent. I knew he had slept w some real doosies. I chocked it up to his drinking. But when his blood posts about it it makes it somehow more real. Im a beautiful woman i was scouted to b a model twice b4 i was married. Im not understanding y he married me. Am i just the trophy while he slums it behind my back? We hardly have a sex life (his choice) wth is wrong w him.? Im so loving and understanding and were best friends. I just dont get it.
Author solost28 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 Amother thing is i have nobfamily or friends. If i decided to leave id have to go to a shelter w my children. I have no job or money/resources and he wont help me when i leave. He shows me just how much i need him by cutting all ties and going out to bars every night. There has to b some way to get him to change. He does love me and doesnt want me to go.
turnera Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 You all really are right. I have changed myself so much that literally there is nothing outside him and the kids. That being said he has saved me from getting hurt by other people and protects me from being hurt by the world. I don't even feel safe going places w/o him besides like the park/grocery store. Who told you that you needed to be protected from the mean old people in the world? Him? Do you even hear yourself? Were you this debilitated when you were 16? 18? No, you let him CONVINCE you that you were hopeless and helpless so that he could gain control over you. That is very sad, solost. 2
turnera Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Amother thing is i have nobfamily or friends. If i decided to leave id have to go to a shelter w my children. I have no job or money/resources and he wont help me when i leave. He shows me just how much i need him by cutting all ties and going out to bars every night. There has to b some way to get him to change. He does love me and doesnt want me to go.First, what's wrong with going to a shelter? I know a woman who took her 3 kids to a shelter, stayed there a few months, and with their help got a nice little house to rent that she and her kids now LOVE. She immediately went into school with the shelter's help, and is almost graduated now, after 2 years. She's earning enough to support her kids and have a great life. And she did it all without a dime from him at first. Eventually, she found a lawyer who helped her divorce from him so that he HAD to pay child support. But she still did it all on her own at first. So can you. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Ok? Let me repeat this: HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. The ONLY hope you have is to move out and start a life without fear. Where you can be proud of yourself, make friends, take care of your kids, and teach those kids to never ever accept abuse. If you don't, guess what's going to happen? Your kids will either become abusers or abuse victims like you. Do you want that for them? 1
turnera Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 He does love me and doesn't want me to go.NO, he doesn't. He loves to CONTROL you. Have you read this book yet? It will open your eyes. Please read it asap. For your kids' sakes if not for yours. 1
atlg8r Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Therapy is very expensive and i really dont think he would open up i think it would end up in more fights after the sessions...sigh Caveat: I didn't read the other thread yet. If he never opens up or shows you how he feels, how do you really know he loves you? (IMO he does not.) This is not love, dear. The fact that you "love him with all your being" and refuse to leave despite this abuse - and IMO it is abuse - speaks volumes about your lack of self-worth. YOU need counseling whether he goes or not. There are churches or other organizations that offer counseling to people who can't afford it. I went to couples counseling with my ex, and it actually worked - it led me to the realization that we would never work. I left him the next year for good. It was the best decision I've made in years. (I also felt at one time that I couldn't live without him. Silly me.) This isn't healthy, and it isn't really love.
No Limit Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) And although hes ****ty at showing it he feels the same. So basically he's got you wrapped around his little finger. You're blinded by words with no action behind it, the usual way and it's probably one of the first things someone who manipulates people has to master, but it's quite obvious you're making it easy for him. There has to b some way to get him to change. He does love me and doesnt want me to go. No, you can't change a persons' personality. You've made him into the man he is today, a cheating liar, by never holding your own ground. This isn't just a habit of his anymore, it's what he is and what he thinks is right. There are no therapies for personalities. And no, that's not love. It's just more comfortable this way. For him, that is. Good luck for the future, you'll need it on this path you're taking right now. Edited May 5, 2014 by No Limit
beach Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Amother thing is i have nobfamily or friends. If i decided to leave id have to go to a shelter w my children. I have no job or money/resources and he wont help me when i leave. He shows me just how much i need him by cutting all ties and going out to bars every night. There has to b some way to get him to change. He does love me and doesnt want me to go. Honey, you need to earn a living so you can support yourself. Break free of all this toxic mess he brings to you. What you've described isn't love. I hope you will make changes yourself instead of expecting that from him.
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