forever_lost Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 It's been nearly six months since the BU, and NC for nearly three. I'm feeling much better - still sad, still angry, and still a bit bitter, but much better. NC helped a lot - but I want my stuff back. She dumped me because she "needed to be single" after I moved away, and now I'm coming back into town for an unrelated reason. I didn't have her ship my stuff because some of it is fragile/valuable and also because I once thought it would be a good reminder of me to her, but now I just want it back. My friends are useless people who don't want to get in the middle of things. I don't (think I) want to see her, if possible. It's a level of discomfort I could do without. At the very least, how can I get my stuff back with the smallest amount of contact possible? Or, is this a good segue into reinitiating contact? Thanks for the help.
Zahara Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I always wonder about dumpees that don't take the initiative to get their "stuff" back after a break-up. Most times it's done because "stuff" is used as a reason to break NC. Leaving "stuff" behind becomes a reason to hopefully revisit. And also, you thought it would remind her of you in hopes it would trigger her to want you back. This isn't about stuff, I believe. If you survived 6 months without your belongings, then would it hurt to do without them at all? If you have to get them back, then be prepared that if you contact her, there is a possibility you will have a setback. If you weren't going back into her town, you would have been going along fine without those belongings? Yes?
Author forever_lost Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 I always wonder about dumpees that don't take the initiative to get their "stuff" back after a break-up. Most times it's done because "stuff" is used as a reason to break NC. Leaving "stuff" behind becomes a reason to hopefully revisit. And also, you thought it would remind her of you in hopes it would trigger her to want you back. This isn't about stuff, I believe. If you survived 6 months without your belongings, then would it hurt to do without them at all? If you have to get them back, then be prepared that if you contact her, there is a possibility you will have a setback. If you weren't going back into her town, you would have been going along fine without those belongings? Yes? Yes, I admit that part of me wanted to use the stuff as a reason to break NC and remind her of me. Part of the reason was also because the cross-country plane ticket is very expensive. And while I can live without them, they are pretty darn valuable, so I figured now that I'm in town for unrelated reasons, what better time to get this over with? So - any suggestions on how to bring this up with my lovely exgf? Is it a simple "can we meet sometime for me to get my things"? Or are there other things I should say/express/be careful of?
barky2 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Yes, I admit that part of me wanted to use the stuff as a reason to break NC and remind her of me. Part of the reason was also because the cross-country plane ticket is very expensive. And while I can live without them, they are pretty darn valuable, so I figured now that I'm in town for unrelated reasons, what better time to get this over with? So - any suggestions on how to bring this up with my lovely exgf? Is it a simple "can we meet sometime for me to get my things"? Or are there other things I should say/express/be careful of? Be honest for a second. What are you truly wishing to gain here? Your stuff back? Or her back? Barky
Zahara Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 So - any suggestions on how to bring this up with my lovely exgf? Is it a simple "can we meet sometime for me to get my things"? Or are there other things I should say/express/be careful of? I still say you are doing this NOT because of stuff but because you want to see her, talk, test waters. In any case, it's your prerogative. Straightforward would be to tell her that you will be in the area on such date and that you would like to get your belongings back. And to please let you know what arrangement would work best.
Author forever_lost Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 I still say you are doing this NOT because of stuff but because you want to see her, talk, test waters. In any case, it's your prerogative. Straightforward would be to tell her that you will be in the area on such date and that you would like to get your belongings back. And to please let you know what arrangement would work best. To answer Barky's question as well, I do want her back, but in this case I think I just want the stuff just the stuff. Maybe the former is also why I want to continue NC. I might not want to "ruin it", if I've made any progress so far. Because, you're right, I went months without the stuff, but now that I can get it, I feel like I should, partially because it's so valuable, and partially cause I want to get it over and done with. I don't know...Zahara, I should probably just be straightforward about it?
Wings Of Love Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I always wonder about dumpees that don't take the initiative to get their "stuff" back after a break-up. Most times it's done because "stuff" is used as a reason to break NC. Leaving "stuff" behind becomes a reason to hopefully revisit. And also, you thought it would remind her of you in hopes it would trigger her to want you back. This isn't about stuff, I believe. If you survived 6 months without your belongings, then would it hurt to do without them at all? If you have to get them back, then be prepared that if you contact her, there is a possibility you will have a setback. If you weren't going back into her town, you would have been going along fine without those belongings? Yes? I felt I had to respond to this. It's not the same for everyone, but in my case I simply did not think. I was at his house when he ended it, and I was so hurt that my only thought was to get out. Collecting stuff simply did not cross my mind when I was in such a state. We met the following Monday, when he was supposed to bring my things. He met me, but made excuses for not bringing them. I sent him an email shortly after (August), asking if he would return my things via family (closely related families). He agreed, but it never happened and we've now been in NC for months. I think in some cases it just doesn't occur to the dumpee to get their things. It's not always an excuse to initiate contact and hopefully see the ex again. forever_lost: I can't really offer advice here because I tried and failed to get my own belongings back. They were valuable as well, but short of turning up at his house and demanding them back there was little I could do. I've given up on those belongings now. He can do what he likes with them. Perhaps, if you can live without them as you said, it's better to do just that? Taking care of yourself and not doing anything to ruin the progress you've made should be your top priority. Take care.
Zahara Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I felt I had to respond to this. It's not the same for everyone, but in my case I simply did not think. I was at his house when he ended it, and I was so hurt that my only thought was to get out. Collecting stuff simply did not cross my mind when I was in such a state. We met the following Monday, when he was supposed to bring my things. He met me, but made excuses for not bringing them. I sent him an email shortly after (August), asking if he would return my things via family (closely related families). He agreed, but it never happened and we've now been in NC for months. In my response to the OP, waiting 6 months to get your stuff back is vastly different from you as you did try to get your things back days after your ending. And your ex not being responsive in getting your belongings to you isn't an issue that lies with you but with your ex. My response to OP is in regards to waiting this long -- as well as these items being so valuable that he let 6 months go by without needing them back.
Zahara Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 To answer Barky's question as well, I do want her back, but in this case I think I just want the stuff just the stuff. Maybe the former is also why I want to continue NC. I might not want to "ruin it", if I've made any progress so far. Because, you're right, I went months without the stuff, but now that I can get it, I feel like I should, partially because it's so valuable, and partially cause I want to get it over and done with. I don't know...Zahara, I should probably just be straightforward about it? As I mentioned, be straightforward about it. She dumped you. You are not obligated to spew niceties but just get your things back. If she responds positively, then that would be up to you as to how you would like to proceed, and with caution.
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Reach out. Matter of factly inform her that you will be in town & you expect to retrieve your stuff on such a such a date at a specific time. Tell her you'd prefer she leave a key so you don't have deal with each other. be accommodating as appropriate if she needs you to come by at 10:30 but you wanted to come at 11, just do it. If she needs to be there because it's her place, fine. Take your stuff & get out. No harm no foul.
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