Clay Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 It does not really sound all that good. I wished I could say it did but I am sorry just from what you have said really raises some red flags for me. You did not take time for you. Your making excuses for why you cant take time for you. Your allowing her to dictate who can be around your child when she already crossed that line. She does not sound really remorseful if your even hearing her make any kind of a argument. Right now she should be practically killing herself to make you feel wonderful and comfortable everyday. If and separate talk takes place she should not be making any demands at all. It really sounds like she is probably only sorry she got caught. This whole part is the one that I think will doom your marriage no matter how hard you try. Read Sofia's thread and LovinDTK. You really see true remorse from these people just by the way they write and say things. If I am wrong on this I am sorry its only my opinion and it sucks to even write it. I feel horrible for you. I hated it when I went through it and I hope I never have to feel that way again. I would not wish it on anyone. Clay
Author jm2013 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 It does not really sound all that good. I wished I could say it did but I am sorry just from what you have said really raises some red flags for me. You did not take time for you. Your making excuses for why you cant take time for you. Your allowing her to dictate who can be around your child when she already crossed that line. She does not sound really remorseful if your even hearing her make any kind of a argument. Right now she should be practically killing herself to make you feel wonderful and comfortable everyday. If and separate talk takes place she should not be making any demands at all. It really sounds like she is probably only sorry she got caught. This whole part is the one that I think will doom your marriage no matter how hard you try. Read Sofia's thread and LovinDTK. You really see true remorse from these people just by the way they write and say things. If I am wrong on this I am sorry its only my opinion and it sucks to even write it. I feel horrible for you. I hated it when I went through it and I hope I never have to feel that way again. I would not wish it on anyone. Clay Thanks, Clay. I'll take a look at those threads. I shouldn't say my wife isn't doing anything. She is doing everything for me. Though it doesn't matter. It does make me feel comfortable almost too comfortable. Ever since I've been back at the house I've made this known. But she insists she WANTS to do it. She packs my lunches, has my clothes set out of me daily, starts my car and pretty much does everything. It's only as of recently have we really started to discuss things that were left unsettled. I guess I was getting a little scared of getting too comfortable there and wanted to bring this back to light to show she really isn't a remorseful person and the lies still spew out to this day. It's like I needed more self confirmation that she's a liar. I told her she was. Yet she wants to be forgiven for something she hasn't completely come clean with. Just one "accidental" time turned into many more times. I guess I shouldn't read between those lines if I'm even thinking about a future with her. Just the headlines. If somebody is willing to forgive they need to look toward a future while not bringing up the mistakes and tossing it in their face constantly. I don't even know what I want to be honest, I'm just a wreck. Thanks for your opinion. You've been there before and have felt the same hurt as many have on this forum. It's crazy to think how many people are mentally suffering daily to do these types of situations. Very sad to say the least.
bigman1 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Dude, you are not going to sort this out in your head. Too much going on. Too much emotion. besides, she deceived you pretty hard core before. Perhaps you need to see the D to the end. No law bans you from remarrying. I think that her behavior right now is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously, she is acting like the absentee parent who buys their kid expensive gifts to make up for the lack of relationship. so she cooks? So what, she lays your clothes out? Are you 3 years old? How does laying out clothes and starting your car make up for, explain, justify or otherwise relate to what she did? It makes you feel comfortable? It makes you feel loved? If it does, then you are really shallow. Marriage is about fidelity, trust, love, companionship, honesty and a whole lot more. It is not about acting like an overbearing mother who lays out her son's clothes, cooks for him and starts his car in the morning. Hell, the shoe salesman put shoes on my feet and laced them up, I did not give him a kiss. I ate breakfast at a restaurant today, the lady brought me just what I asked for, kept my coffee cup filled, and even cleaned up for me. All the while, she called me darling and honey. Still, I did not put a ring on it. Wake up man! Conversely, divorce is not about punishment. It not a choice made out of hurt or anger. It should be a rational decision. You need to get your mind right.
2sunny Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 What has she learned about herself? What has she learned about the inside of who she is? What is changed so that she doesn't view cheating as HER viable solution to problems within your M? If she doesn't know - she's got a TON of soul searching to take action on.
Author jm2013 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 Dude, you are not going to sort this out in your head. Too much going on. Too much emotion. besides, she deceived you pretty hard core before. Perhaps you need to see the D to the end. No law bans you from remarrying. I think that her behavior right now is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously, she is acting like the absentee parent who buys their kid expensive gifts to make up for the lack of relationship. so she cooks? So what, she lays your clothes out? Are you 3 years old? How does laying out clothes and starting your car make up for, explain, justify or otherwise relate to what she did? It makes you feel comfortable? It makes you feel loved? If it does, then you are really shallow. Marriage is about fidelity, trust, love, companionship, honesty and a whole lot more. It is not about acting like an overbearing mother who lays out her son's clothes, cooks for him and starts his car in the morning. Hell, the shoe salesman put shoes on my feet and laced them up, I did not give him a kiss. I ate breakfast at a restaurant today, the lady brought me just what I asked for, kept my coffee cup filled, and even cleaned up for me. All the while, she called me darling and honey. Still, I did not put a ring on it. Wake up man! Conversely, divorce is not about punishment. It not a choice made out of hurt or anger. It should be a rational decision. You need to get your mind right. Hey bigman1, thanks for your input. No, it does not make me feel loved. It makes me comfortable which I think is what she's trying to do. When I get these feelings on off days like today I typically reflect and ask myself how I got here. I wasn't the best husband at all. My actions contributed to what has happened. See, I was absent a few days a week to go get slammed with the buddies. I left my wife at home probably wondering what the hell I was doing. This is no way condones what she has done. It won't and never will. What she did showed the respect she had for me and what she thought of the marriage. Though what I did also showed a lack of respect and was way easier to correct if you will. She took the resentment and let another man in to fill the voids of the problems we had in our marriage. These were problems many marriages face. Instead of talking it out with me or setting up an aggressive counseling plan she decided to set of a nuclear bomb. Do I think she loves me? Yeah, I do but a love that had faded. I think she's filled with some sort of emotion and I cannot touch base with it. It's like a guilt, love and some sort of anger that is being suppressed. All she keeps saying is she's going to lead by example from now on. And keeps saying those words which I find hard to process - "You will never find somebody who loves you as much as I do", "I am the best". Those I find to be weird in nature to say due to the circumstances of our situation. She's obviously not the best. She has used poor choice in words that's for sure. Anyways, I am in the process of re-correcting MY life. I'm doing things for ME. I think once I figure myself out here I'll be able to make the final decision. I'll know when that day comes. I'll either take the $400 cash to my lawyer and get this marriage in the rear view or take a long hard path of forgiveness and correction. Either way with my wife or a new woman I am taking everything I have learned and making plenty of corrections.
bigman1 Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Okay. Please get proper counseling for both of you. She needs it BADLY. Even if her spirit is willing to do right, we know that the flesh is weak. That is why you are here. Also, you can 't blame yourself for her crap. She owns that 100%. And that is not just a phrase. Crappy marriages do not equal infidelity, lies and torment. I'm so mad that I will bang someone else is never a logical phrase. You sound like you are are wobbly on the fence with some things, but you are leaning in the right direction. Both of you get to a counselor that deals with infidelity and other issues. Whether you stay or go, you need to get you fixed. She can't stay unless she gets fixed. good luck to you.
Author jm2013 Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 JM2013, what questions are you worried about controlling? Well, I always ask myself why this happened and had probably repeated the same questions to her in a million different ways. While she did appear to get annoyed she did try to answer them. I'm not looking for the intricate details though to be honest, I was kind of curious about some things in nature and I don't even know why. These are probably typically stupid questions many spouses have lingering in the back of their heads. Did he satisfy you? Did he finish Did you love him? I mean stupid things to the last detail have been cycled through over and over and literally at points just want to make me throw up at times. Nothing like picturing the OM on top of my wife and even to the last detail of finishing in her and her coming home to me and looking at me like normal and sleeping beside me. At first she led me on to believe this was a one off thing that was stopped. That was furthest from the truth. To this day I'm at a 2 count they've been with each other and I know that is still a lie. So today I ask myself can this woman still be trusted though she's still lying about the details? Does it matter? Is she really just trying to "protect" my feelings? Is she too ashamed to admit this? Last night I was so frustrated with this all I picked up a pillow and moved to the couch. She chased me down the second I left the room and had some kind of worry overwhelming her. I feel like she's in denial about our marriage potentially coming to an end and the self destruction of our family and assets. I don't know.. That's why I'm just letting some time run its course to figure things out.
Author jm2013 Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 What has she learned about herself? What has she learned about the inside of who she is? What is changed so that she doesn't view cheating as HER viable solution to problems within your M? If she doesn't know - she's got a TON of soul searching to take action on. 2sunny. These are some good questions and I have written them down. Our next deep conversation I'd like to ask these specific questions and see what she says. I'm sure we've touched base on some of these questions but we've talked about so much I don't really remember. We've talked a lot about her affair and what she had done. I'm sure having to revisit this stuff all the time would be troubling. Thank you.
BetrayedH Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Well, I always ask myself why this happened and had probably repeated the same questions to her in a million different ways. While she did appear to get annoyed she did try to answer them. I'm not looking for the intricate details though to be honest, I was kind of curious about some things in nature and I don't even know why. These are probably typically stupid questions many spouses have lingering in the back of their heads. Did he satisfy you? Did he finish Did you love him? I mean stupid things to the last detail have been cycled through over and over and literally at points just want to make me throw up at times. Nothing like picturing the OM on top of my wife and even to the last detail of finishing in her and her coming home to me and looking at me like normal and sleeping beside me. At first she led me on to believe this was a one off thing that was stopped. That was furthest from the truth. To this day I'm at a 2 count they've been with each other and I know that is still a lie. So today I ask myself can this woman still be trusted though she's still lying about the details? Does it matter? Is she really just trying to "protect" my feelings? Is she too ashamed to admit this? Last night I was so frustrated with this all I picked up a pillow and moved to the couch. She chased me down the second I left the room and had some kind of worry overwhelming her. I feel like she's in denial about our marriage potentially coming to an end and the self destruction of our family and assets. I don't know.. That's why I'm just letting some time run its course to figure things out. In my case, I could have eventually forgiven my wife for the affair but I couldn't reconcile with someone who was actively lying to my face. Your wife may need to know that the lying is the dealbreaker for you. Staying there (waiting it out) is not sending that message but the opposite.
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