jm2013 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I know many of you have looked at some of the stuff I've written here and asked what the hell I am doing. Ever since I joined this forum it felt like my life just completely ended. It was the most terrible experience I think I've ever endured in my life and still is. When I found out all I could do was tell myself it was the end of the road. I always told my wife that even before we got married. If there was infidelity it's just over. Now that is has been about 7 months into this disaster I noticed time does help immensely. My first reactions were very inconsiderate and self destructive. If I could redo my reactions all over again I most definitely would. It has taught me some valuable lessons that's for sure. So let me get to the questions at hand. My wife has showed considerable amounts of transparency to me. Even after telling her I had been done, it was over (which in my heart I felt I had to end it) and we were to be divorcing. I tried to get her to agree upon a dissolution but fought me every step of the way to the point where I was just about ready to give the green light to my lawyer to file papers with the court. but then.... I started to really analyze everything that has happened and question my beliefs, what marriage is and IF I could muster up the strength to move forward. To this day I'm still not entirely sure. One of the many mistakes I made when I found out was moving out of my house. I drove myself out of the house at the time and I'm not even sure why. I just wanted to run away from my problems though they were very real and not going away anytime soon. So I decided to go back.. When I got back into the house I told my wife it was no way a reconciliation. I wanted to come back to my home to spend what time I had left there with my daughter and after all I was still contributing to ALL of the bills. So what happened since I've been there? Well, my wife is an open book. I haven't asked her to be or anything. I had resigned myself to the fact the marriage is dead and I just cannot go on with her due to my inabilities to forget and forgive what has happened. With that in mind, I set of another bomb to our marriage having done what I did. I didn't do it out of "revenge" it just happened to be a time where two people got hurt and I think tried to have some sort of connection due to both of our circumstances. I don't know. But knowing what I know now I wouldn't have done it. It didn't even feel right. But at the time I was resigned that I was definitively getting a divorce, was out of the house and had already tried to start planning a future without my wife in the picture. I have even spoken with her about ALL of this and had been 100% truthful. She doesn't want to hear about anything and has just told me that she forgave anything I have done and told me if it wasn't for what she had done none of this would have ever happened. I told her it wasn't about getting revenge. I would be a liar if I said I don't love my wife. I have not told her I love you since I found out. She tells me she loves me every day. Before bed and before she walks out the door. I don't even kiss her goodbye though she kisses me on the cheek each morning. I have sat back and let time run its course and kind of spectate if you will what she's doing as a person. I know every situation is different and it seems wrong now looking back at things to come looking for absolute advice when you cannot get it from family, friends, counselor or lawyer. I learned EVERYBODY has their own opinion and each situation is different on to itself. I'm not going to be naive here and say it won't happen again. I have no clue. I have not in any way told my wife I forgive her and love her and want to make our marriage work. I have been TRYING to find the inner strength to do that. If she's sincerely sorry and asking and showing profound changes should I let me pride get the best of me or let things go and "try" to build a future with my wife there and our amazing daughter. The thoughts are still very real. One thing is certain that even after 7 months the images and questions still remain. Though at this point IF we do reconcile I am no better than she is for having done what I have done. Though she seems to be extremely forgiving somehow and just not care. She has also cut her family out of her life. I have never seen things like this ever in our marriage. It authentically seems like she's kind of grown up from all of this. Being away from her toxic parents and sister I think have done wonders in her life. Not just for our marriage but who she is as a person. I think she finally realized this. Since all this has happened she has engaged a local church and even became Catholic. She attended a class every Tuesday for months and finally got baptized in the church, had confession and even took communion. She appears to do a lot of "praying" which I consider meditating which seems like it was helped her immensely. So today, 7 months later I ask myself the ultimate question. Can I let the pride go and authentically forgive my wife and build solid future? Can I muster up the strength to learn how to control my questions, fears, thoughts and just move forward? I have also learned that time is necessary. So I'm 7 months in and I'll take all the necessary time needed to evaluate my situation even further and see if a reconciliation in my marriage would be possible. That would be fair to my daughter as well right? She's an amazing little girl and though she doesn't know what happened she's still had the support and love from both of her parents. Signing off. JM 4
dichotomy Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Your wife seems to have gone above and beyond in her transformation after the affair. I can't imagine what more you want from her? what she could do to help heal this? Also your failure afterwards - certainly should help you I would think. I suspect maybe your wife is a bit hurt more than you know even though she instantly forgave you and moved on. Pride and self esteem is best to come from within, and THEN be reinforced from a love one. 3
2sunny Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Not after reading your history. Even while the A was discovered she was still telling you she loved you but in contact behind your back. Has she done the counseling you required? What does she say she's learned through these months that lead her to choose cheating as the answer to her problems? 2
Fluttershy Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I believe in bad pride and good pride. And when pride is what is keeping someone from what it sounds like they really want, that is bad pride. My heart was broken by my husband when he cheated but my pride was hurt too. You see I always said he would never cheat and took pride in that. But he wasn't my child an he makes his own descisions. I felt like a fool and that he made a liar out of me. I wanted a husband I could still say that about. But that was just pride and nothing to do with happiness from within. And I realized that I was wrong to ever make that statement about him because it is what almost all BS say or think. And the truth is, we simply cannot make that statement about someone else because it is their life and their choice. It wouldn't matter if I started over with someone new. I had learned there are no guarantees in other people's behaviour. "he would never cheat on me" is a naive statment that no one can no for certainty. The only person we control is ourselves. There are so many parents that are adament their teenagers would never do x,y,z because they "know them" only to find out their kids did do all three an ten some. So instead of starting over with someone new I decided to start over with my H and father of our children. And I don't regret it. If you feel at this point "pride" is stopping you and she is making major life changes in herself then I say maybe work on yourself a little more and decide what you want. And ignore the pride. 1
Man Mountain Makino Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 What would you say you have accomplished in that time?
harrybrown Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 With all her remorse, has she ever given you a timeline of the affair, and when she finally stopped lying to you? All of those responses to her contacts with the OM and her father helping the OM do not make one trust her. When you ask her when was her last contact with the OM, what does she say? Does she still say it was only the one time and they were "friends" for over a year? Has she ever answered why she decided to cheat on you and why is it different now?
bobwhite007 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I'm coming up on 1 year. I still don't know what I'm gonna do. She still won't admit to any wrong doings, I guess because she doesn't think I would ever leave her. Truth is I'm getting closer everyday. She has dishonor ed me. I can't get past that. True ive kept a few things from her but nothing to do with another woman. I have no secrets from her now and will not again She continues to keep some of her daily events a secret, or so she thinks. I just wonder where I can get the strength to leave. I guess I stay because I think I'd be just as miserable either way. Our Marriage vows I took seriously and I thought she did too Love honor and respect is a bunch of bullsh $&t. 1
BetrayedH Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Personally, I think you're doing alright. Not rushing to a decision is a good thing in my book. I am curious about why you only seem to see two options: (1) divorce or (2) forgive/let go of it entirely. I'm of the mindset that you cannot go around, over, or under an affair. You must go through it. If you have thoughts/questions, why can you not address them? Ask anything you want. Ask it 10 times in 10 different ways. If you want to investigate, do it. If you investigate and find nothing, you both win. I liken a BSs role when reconciling after an affair to being served up a shi.t sandwich. Except it's not just a sandwich; it's a whole damn buffet. Why would you try to tackle that by yourself? You need a partner. Your wife is your partner and as it turns out, she made all these damn sandwiches. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Maybe it's not just down to divorce or forgive/drop it/get over it/sweep it under the rug. Maybe you process the whole damn thing together. 1
drifter777 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I find it hard to invest any energy into your situation because you cheated on her after d-day. To me, that invalidates you as a BH because now you are a combination WH & BH. And I don't know how relevant any of your thoughts and feelings are to me and the majority of other BH's. I do get you on the pride thing, but there's a difference between pride and ego. Pride is self-admiration; ego is more about psyche and your sense of self. Whichever one best describes how you feel I think it is something you can overcome. It's a sense of balance that is thrown way out of whack on d-day, but you have regained much of it because you cheated on her. Maybe when you trigger over the mind-movies of her and OM you should picture yourself having sex with your OW. 3
Author jm2013 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 play the field first Are you suggesting to see if I can find somebody better? I'm not sure what you meant sorry. Your wife seems to have gone above and beyond in her transformation after the affair. I can't imagine what more you want from her? what she could do to help heal this? Also your failure afterwards - certainly should help you I would think. I suspect maybe your wife is a bit hurt more than you know even though she instantly forgave you and moved on. Pride and self esteem is best to come from within, and THEN be reinforced from a love one. I'm not sure what I want from her. When I came back home I wanted nothing. She told me even know she has seen me resigned to our marriage she will not stop giving up hope that one day we'll grow from this and reunite into this love filled marriage that will be stronger than ever. I do also think she's hurting inside or perhaps maybe thinks I'm bluffing her. I'm not really sure to be honest. Not after reading your history. Even while the A was discovered she was still telling you she loved you but in contact behind your back. Has she done the counseling you required? What does she say she's learned through these months that lead her to choose cheating as the answer to her problems? She claims to have went to "some" counseling. Though I have not verified that authenticity to this. With that being said, she says she feels absolutely terrible about everything and appears to carry much resentment toward the OM. It appears she understands or is making it seem from the outside this other guy was a predator in our marriage and pursued my wife for awhile and jumped on an opportunity when my wife was vulnerable to see if he could make things physical which he succeeded in doing. I have pin pointed the alleged day and went back in time and kind of corroborated she did feel extremely emotional when she came back home. Things did not feel right and she was crying and said she didn't deserve what I had done for her after work. I bought her roses, amusement park tickets as well as a trip horseback riding thinking I'd start doing things for my marriage. It's kind of ironic looking back at things. I'm not sure if she WANTED to cheat but believe the OM was there for her with certain things. I used to compliment my wife a lot saying she's beautiful though she never liked when I did it. She would say "no I'm not" so I just stopped saying it. It became annoying to me. If you're not going to take my compliments I won't give them out anymore. Well, when he started complimenting her it was a whole different ball game. It must have been some sort of weird validation for her. She obviously had/has some deep personal issues going on that need to be resolved. Though I can see how many insecurities were handed down from her family. They're full of them especially her mother. Thanks for responding. I believe in bad pride and good pride. And when pride is what is keeping someone from what it sounds like they really want, that is bad pride. My heart was broken by my husband when he cheated but my pride was hurt too. You see I always said he would never cheat and took pride in that. But he wasn't my child an he makes his own descisions. I felt like a fool and that he made a liar out of me. I wanted a husband I could still say that about. But that was just pride and nothing to do with happiness from within. And I realized that I was wrong to ever make that statement about him because it is what almost all BS say or think. And the truth is, we simply cannot make that statement about someone else because it is their life and their choice. It wouldn't matter if I started over with someone new. I had learned there are no guarantees in other people's behaviour. "he would never cheat on me" is a naive statment that no one can no for certainty. The only person we control is ourselves. There are so many parents that are adament their teenagers would never do x,y,z because they "know them" only to find out their kids did do all three an ten some. So instead of starting over with someone new I decided to start over with my H and father of our children. And I don't regret it. If you feel at this point "pride" is stopping you and she is making major life changes in herself then I say maybe work on yourself a little more and decide what you want. And ignore the pride. Thank you for your reply. I'm glad you've gotten on track with your marriage and hope you succeed. You're right, I do need to work on myself. I've joined a local gym and plan to eat better and start working out. They say you are what you eat and I've been eating complete $%%$ lately so I'm hoping to get more clarity in life by some simple changes. Also, I want to evaluate her changes to see if they are authentic and am taking ample time to do so. What would you say you have accomplished in that time? Well, my accomplishment so far to be honest has been absolutely nothing. I have accomplished not making rash decisions that are going to effect all parties one way or another. Kicking the can down the road if you will trying to figure myself out along this journey. With all her remorse, has she ever given you a timeline of the affair, and when she finally stopped lying to you? All of those responses to her contacts with the OM and her father helping the OM do not make one trust her. When you ask her when was her last contact with the OM, what does she say? Does she still say it was only the one time and they were "friends" for over a year? Has she ever answered why she decided to cheat on you and why is it different now? She did give me a timeline yes. She said her co worker has been pursuing her for some time now. I'm not sure the exact date it happened. She is pretty set that he has only tried to kiss her once before but professed her love for me to him. She also sticks to her guns this was only one event that took place after a bad argument we had one morning before work. The last thing that was running through my mind was I was sending my wife off to go bang another man. In instances I think if that argument never had taken place this may have been prevented but I'm not going to be naive. She admitted she gained more feelings than just "friends". She told me he listened to her and that was something that was missing from me. I found she's been blogging and had it up on her computer one evening. I didn't tell her I've been reading it but it's kind of interesting to go through. It's all anonymous and anybody can feel free to take a look and jump in her mind for a minute if they care to do so. hxxp://deardiaryfromme.wordpress.com/ (I do not want to link directly to it so she doesn't see a referer and know this is me. I'd like to keep my postings her anonymous to her. She is also anonymous on there so it's all good. Nobody knows anybody) I'm coming up on 1 year. I still don't know what I'm gonna do. She still won't admit to any wrong doings, I guess because she doesn't think I would ever leave her. Truth is I'm getting closer everyday. She has dishonor ed me. I can't get past that. True ive kept a few things from her but nothing to do with another woman. I have no secrets from her now and will not again She continues to keep some of her daily events a secret, or so she thinks. I just wonder where I can get the strength to leave. I guess I stay because I think I'd be just as miserable either way. Our Marriage vows I took seriously and I thought she did too Love honor and respect is a bunch of bullsh $&t. Sorry to hear that you're still going through these problems and hope you can come to a resolution soon. Personally, I think you're doing alright. Not rushing to a decision is a good thing in my book. I am curious about why you only seem to see two options: (1) divorce or (2) forgive/let go of it entirely. I'm of the mindset that you cannot go around, over, or under an affair. You must go through it. If you have thoughts/questions, why can you not address them? Ask anything you want. Ask it 10 times in 10 different ways. If you want to investigate, do it. If you investigate and find nothing, you both win. I liken a BSs role when reconciling after an affair to being served up a shi.t sandwich. Except it's not just a sandwich; it's a whole damn buffet. Why would you try to tackle that by yourself? You need a partner. Your wife is your partner and as it turns out, she made all these damn sandwiches. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Maybe it's not just down to divorce or forgive/drop it/get over it/sweep it under the rug. Maybe you process the whole damn thing together. She has indeed answered a lot of my questions. Like you said I have probably asked them every which way but she seems to carry patience to answer them. I find it hard to invest any energy into your situation because you cheated on her after d-day. To me, that invalidates you as a BH because now you are a combination WH & BH. And I don't know how relevant any of your thoughts and feelings are to me and the majority of other BH's. I do get you on the pride thing, but there's a difference between pride and ego. Pride is self-admiration; ego is more about psyche and your sense of self. Whichever one best describes how you feel I think it is something you can overcome. It's a sense of balance that is thrown way out of whack on d-day, but you have regained much of it because you cheated on her. Maybe when you trigger over the mind-movies of her and OM you should picture yourself having sex with your OW. I understand why you'd think that. When I left I was clouded and thought I knew what I was doing. I was totally wrong. These events have destroyed me and I'm rebuilding myself. Thank you for responding and giving your opinions.
bigman1 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 First, I have re-read your previous posts and what you did was to fool around with someone short of sex. You were still married, but that does not disqualify you from help. My 2 cents. Next, HELL NO! You all need some SERIOUS help. Your wife has cheated on you, then made up an elaborate lie to cover her and the other man running together as a married couple then still denying it even after confronted with photos. Thereafter, she hides your clothes and things. Then, well you lived it, so you know. Now she has gone all super religious on you. She needs to be evaluated. That is not a condemnation, just an observation. her behavior really gives rise to concerns about her mental status. Not full blown howling at the moon crazy, but something is going on. besides the fact, even if she is a baptized, confessed, praying catholic that has absolutely nothing to do with the issues that got you where you were. Hell, Jim Bakker was a praying televangelist. Jimmy Swaggart could cry with the best of them. Still, they had issues that caused them to cheat. I dare not mention catholic priests and little boys. More or less Religion has nothing to do with her problems or yours. Secondly, each of you need some counseling, IC and then some MC. This is not about pride. Maybe your pride was hurt and you are in touch with that aspect of yourself at this point, but I re-read 4 pages of posts by you and THIS IS NOT A PRIDE ISSUE. This is a rugsweeping issue. It is a conflict avoidance issue. It is so many issues that you may need a couple of therapists to help you. Her parents are an issue. That you both cut them off is irrelevant. They have already contributed to your marriage, that infection is still there. Nothing wrong with you taking another look at things and nothing wrong with you deciding to stay the course to D. Getting back with her and then having things go to hell would do more damage to your daughter than outright divorcing right now. Re-read your posts, not to get angry or feel justified in divorcing; rather, do it to see how many issues need to be explored, addressed, and fixed.
atreides Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 BetrayedH has some great advise along with Dichotomy... To cut off her parents and i remember your story is a huge deal in my eyes. She is on her own and taking a chance with you.. IMO. As for you, I think it is normal what you are feeling but one thing is for sure, don't sit still and then become complacent as to where you are on your path. Make sure you are always going in a direction of some sort to recover and move on or to recover and make it work. Perhaps try some IC and then MC together, 1 session and see what comes of it.
badkarma2013 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 BetrayedH has some great advise along with Dichotomy... To cut off her parents and i remember your story is a huge deal in my eyes. She is on her own and taking a chance with you.. IMO. As for you, I think it is normal what you are feeling but one thing is for sure, don't sit still and then become complacent as to where you are on your path. Make sure you are always going in a direction of some sort to recover and move on or to recover and make it work. Perhaps try some IC and then MC together, 1 session and see what comes of it. There is some Great ADVICE BEING GIVEN HERE...from those who Have endured much Pain and Torment... I was one ( by the things that happened ) That could not R...... At the moment i saw thingsI knew there would be no Forgivness or R. But You Need to take this slow....get IC and MC...and listen to those who KNOW. IMO you must find Forgiveness before you can move forward.....and you are going to have to find a way to put the PAST in the PAST... I have been in IC since d-day and have not quit... I am just now finding my way to forgive her...But there are two things I MUST SAY...My forgiveness is for ME not HER...and NEVER confuse Forgiveness with Reconciliation...for they ARE NOT THE SAME THING. I wish you wisdom in how to proceed and the courage to do whats best for all concerned.
jnel921 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 I don't agree that you moved back into the home. I think it gives off false hope and will confuse your daughter. You could have continued to live whatever life you were living outside of the home. I think you should leave. Your wife betrayed you and was remorseful yet you let your pride and ego get in the way of working on a real reconciliation. You left had your own fun and came back for selfish reasons, so how much better are you? As a BS the decision to leave would have been a final one for me. This decision would have been made after taking a very deep breath then assessing all of the information, processing it and leaving my ego out of the door. I am mature enough to know that any decision my H makes to stick it into anyone else has zero to do with me. I only had to decide if there was enough remorse for him to wake up and come back to reality. Which there was and I accepted and have worked with him on since then. Since you don't know what you want, you should leave. What you are doing isn't healthy for anyone. Your presence in her home will deter her from moving on and meeting someone that she can have a better relationship with. You can visit with your daughter in your own place.
janedoe67 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 play the field first Only if you are immature with no character.
Author jm2013 Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 First, I have re-read your previous posts and what you did was to fool around with someone short of sex. You were still married, but that does not disqualify you from help. My 2 cents. Next, HELL NO! You all need some SERIOUS help. Your wife has cheated on you, then made up an elaborate lie to cover her and the other man running together as a married couple then still denying it even after confronted with photos. Thereafter, she hides your clothes and things. Then, well you lived it, so you know. Now she has gone all super religious on you. She needs to be evaluated. That is not a condemnation, just an observation. her behavior really gives rise to concerns about her mental status. Not full blown howling at the moon crazy, but something is going on. besides the fact, even if she is a baptized, confessed, praying catholic that has absolutely nothing to do with the issues that got you where you were. Hell, Jim Bakker was a praying televangelist. Jimmy Swaggart could cry with the best of them. Still, they had issues that caused them to cheat. I dare not mention catholic priests and little boys. More or less Religion has nothing to do with her problems or yours. Secondly, each of you need some counseling, IC and then some MC. This is not about pride. Maybe your pride was hurt and you are in touch with that aspect of yourself at this point, but I re-read 4 pages of posts by you and THIS IS NOT A PRIDE ISSUE. This is a rugsweeping issue. It is a conflict avoidance issue. It is so many issues that you may need a couple of therapists to help you. Her parents are an issue. That you both cut them off is irrelevant. They have already contributed to your marriage, that infection is still there. Nothing wrong with you taking another look at things and nothing wrong with you deciding to stay the course to D. Getting back with her and then having things go to hell would do more damage to your daughter than outright divorcing right now. Re-read your posts, not to get angry or feel justified in divorcing; rather, do it to see how many issues need to be explored, addressed, and fixed. Thanks for the advice. I should re-read everything I've posted here. It definitely has been a roller coaster that's for sure. I just don't get why she's so committed now making this marriage work. Last night we had a lengthy conversation and she told me how much she loves me and never meant to hurt me. And allegedly lied about everything to protect me from the truth or something along those lines. BetrayedH has some great advise along with Dichotomy... To cut off her parents and i remember your story is a huge deal in my eyes. She is on her own and taking a chance with you.. IMO. As for you, I think it is normal what you are feeling but one thing is for sure, don't sit still and then become complacent as to where you are on your path. Make sure you are always going in a direction of some sort to recover and move on or to recover and make it work. Perhaps try some IC and then MC together, 1 session and see what comes of it. Thanks for the post. I have been letting the days tick by to see if a recovery would be possible. My lawyer still has the money and really all I need to do is call him drop off $400 and get the papers in. I'm not definitively sure yet if that's what I want to do. I'm not going to lie, being back in the house has been pretty good in different aspect. Everything is done for me daily. Though I told her awhile ago I can take care of myself she still insists on doing everything for some reason or another. There is some Great ADVICE BEING GIVEN HERE...from those who Have endured much Pain and Torment... I was one ( by the things that happened ) That could not R...... At the moment i saw thingsI knew there would be no Forgivness or R. But You Need to take this slow....get IC and MC...and listen to those who KNOW. IMO you must find Forgiveness before you can move forward.....and you are going to have to find a way to put the PAST in the PAST... I have been in IC since d-day and have not quit... I am just now finding my way to forgive her...But there are two things I MUST SAY...My forgiveness is for ME not HER...and NEVER confuse Forgiveness with Reconciliation...for they ARE NOT THE SAME THING. I wish you wisdom in how to proceed and the courage to do whats best for all concerned. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and wish you the best as well. I know everybody handles these situations differently. They are extremely delicate and each decision will have its set of issues. I don't agree that you moved back into the home. I think it gives off false hope and will confuse your daughter. You could have continued to live whatever life you were living outside of the home. I think you should leave. Your wife betrayed you and was remorseful yet you let your pride and ego get in the way of working on a real reconciliation. You left had your own fun and came back for selfish reasons, so how much better are you? As a BS the decision to leave would have been a final one for me. This decision would have been made after taking a very deep breath then assessing all of the information, processing it and leaving my ego out of the door. I am mature enough to know that any decision my H makes to stick it into anyone else has zero to do with me. I only had to decide if there was enough remorse for him to wake up and come back to reality. Which there was and I accepted and have worked with him on since then. Since you don't know what you want, you should leave. What you are doing isn't healthy for anyone. Your presence in her home will deter her from moving on and meeting someone that she can have a better relationship with. You can visit with your daughter in your own place. Thank you for your post. When I left my house I didn't know if she was truly remorseful. I didn't even want to wake up each morning and look at her mom as well. I was betrayed by her and her entire family. With that being said, this isn't just her home. If I could go back and do things I would have asked her to leave originally. The reason I came back to this house is cause I was still paying the mortgage and all the bills. I don't think that was selfish, I thought I was doing something good by trying to keep things semi "normal" for my daughter instead of bringing in financial chaos right away. If this was just her name on the mortgage it would have made life a little easier. But it is both our home. We don't argue or discuss anything in front of our daughter so she doesn't know what is even going on and this will all be a faded memory to her when she gets older.
2sunny Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 You pay all the bills? Well that's a good enough reason for her to get you to come back... Does she work? How about something new? Have her start paying at least half of all the bills! Of course that means she needs to work hard to contribute! And of course you can help around the house instead of allowing her to do all the household duties. Start partnering up! That's what M is about, right?
Author jm2013 Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 You pay all the bills? Well that's a good enough reason for her to get you to come back... Does she work? How about something new? Have her start paying at least half of all the bills! Of course that means she needs to work hard to contribute! And of course you can help around the house instead of allowing her to do all the household duties. Start partnering up! That's what M is about, right? She does work yes. She works full time so I think I should have rephrased what I said a little different than making her sound like a stay at home mom. Her salary just wouldn't cover everything if I were not there with my income. And yes, you're absolutely right. She went to go clean a house this morning and I did all the laundry, folded some clothes and put stuff away to contribute.
No Limit Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 (edited) Let pride go? Why, never! Letting go of your own pride, self-worth for a cheater just to be able to cope with these circumstances and pain? Never ever! Why pay the consequences for what they did? They spit into your very own face and you remain as pitiful husk of your former self, pah! If you really think, if you really believe that your love to an untrustworthy and selfish person is the best thing you have in your whole life, oh boy, then the pity you get is well-deserved indeed. But it's not as simple as that. There is so much more out there, so much better and good things and people out there... edit;; Went through some of your old threads and found this line from you: "Whoever invents a birth control pill a man can take will be a genius and filthy rich person." It was invented shortly after the birth control pill for females was on the market, but the sale numbers were too low so they stopped producing them. Well done men, now don't complain about unwanted babies 'cause stupid girlfriends forgot theirs! Edited May 3, 2014 by No Limit 1
No Limit Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 your wife she would of never cheated Don't forget her notorious lying during the early stages of their "reconciliation"...
2sunny Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I should re-read everything I've posted here. It definitely has been a roller coaster that's for sure. I just don't get why she's so committed now making this marriage work. Last night we had a lengthy conversation and she told me how much she loves me and never meant to hurt me. And allegedly lied about everything to protect me from the truth or something along those lines. When there's NOTHING to cover up = there's NO reason to lie! She sure has an odd way of loving you. You both need help in understanding what an honest, healthy relationship looks like.
Author jm2013 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 When there's NOTHING to cover up = there's NO reason to lie! She sure has an odd way of loving you. You both need help in understanding what an honest, healthy relationship looks like. Well, we've had some deep conversations lately. She's finally starting to validate things I originally thought and talked about even on here. This wasn't a "one" time thing. My wife had a full blown emotional/physical affair with her co worker, had unprotected sex, and came back to her husband living a double life for some time hiding her dirty secrets. All the dinners, bdays, anniversaries she looked at me with those hidden secrets. And even know I knew she was and still is lying it really does hurt when you start to learn the extensiveness around what happened. It sounded extremely awkward to me at least the things she was saying. I'm not sure if this is normal of a WS to do but she re-iterated how much she loved me, said there's nobody who would love me as much as she was and further said "she was the best". The turn off to all of those words were immense. I simply told her she wasn't the best, and also said there are many women who would give MORE love than her. My little girl crawled up into bed this morning and all I could do was hold on to her tight. Before my daughter came into the room I woke up to my wife crying on me trying to hold me and expressing how much she loved me and how sorry she was for what she has done. I am finding this day a little more difficult and I don't know why. I am going to hit the gym hard. Just another day in paradise..
Clay Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Its hard to get over what has passed. Its hard to let go of the past. Especially being cheated on. You can stay with her and give her another chance if that is what you truly want. If you do you have to forgive her 100%. Never bring it up again at all. Keep In mind that people that do cheat it does get easier for them to do it again at a later point in time. If she cheats on you again it wont be her fault. It will be yours. What the other people said about playing the field I would seriously consider. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from your marriage and dating. It will help you heal and it will help give you a better perceptive of how you have been treated. It also allows you to see just how committed she is to you. I made the mistake of staying. I started to look at me and what I was doing wrong to push her away. Years later it was clear to me. I was never the problem she was. The last time I caught her cheating I threw her out. I personally don't recommend you stay but it is your choice. Clay
Author jm2013 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 Its hard to get over what has passed. Its hard to let go of the past. Especially being cheated on. You can stay with her and give her another chance if that is what you truly want. If you do you have to forgive her 100%. Never bring it up again at all. Keep In mind that people that do cheat it does get easier for them to do it again at a later point in time. If she cheats on you again it wont be her fault. It will be yours. What the other people said about playing the field I would seriously consider. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from your marriage and dating. It will help you heal and it will help give you a better perceptive of how you have been treated. It also allows you to see just how committed she is to you. I made the mistake of staying. I started to look at me and what I was doing wrong to push her away. Years later it was clear to me. I was never the problem she was. The last time I caught her cheating I threw her out. I personally don't recommend you stay but it is your choice. Clay Hi Clay, I appreciate you contributing more to my threads. I could only imagine how my life looks outwards. This weak person on the other end who says x but isn't clear on if he wants to do x and is unsure if he wants to do y. It's been an emotional roller coaster. I just live day to day and made myself numb over time. Though admittedly last night's conversation to a dagger to my heart and stabbed it repeatedly. Just in awe wondering how the person you marry would be capable of such things. Banging anohter man, coming home and acting like it was just another day. Even planning a future with the person you're actively betraying. I felt like I did take a break. Though I'm back at the house it would be extremely weird to date there. She'd flip a lid. She went as far as telling me last night that no other woman that I was involved with would ever set her hands or eyes on our daughter. I know she started to rage out a little probably getting pissy cause she fears things won't go as planned in her f'd up world. But I'm just sitting back and spectating. All I have is time. And as I've told her before, it's only the state holding us together. When I think I am ready all I'd have to do is drive $400 cash to my lawyer and have him send the papers in. I'm not sure if that day will be tomorrow, a week or months. Or if it will happen at all. I have learned to soak things in, work on me and not make rash decisions. It's a delicate situation and no matter what decision I/we make will have a great impact on the lives of ourselves and people around us.
Author jm2013 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 I should also say I plan on making significant lifestyle changes. The gym will now be a significant part of my life. When I first found out about everything I did all the wrong things one could possibly do. The best thing for me is to keep trying to find myself. I'll get into great shape take up new hobbies and be ready at the snap of a finger to have a future without her in the picture.
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