Is there a lack of morals or something more?

[FredJones80]

Just wondering opinions on this...

 

When I got dumped I was told by my ex "just wasn't happy anymore" - Now I've always wondered what that meant and still kick myself for not doing more to find out why she wasn't happy.

 

Through "googling" it, it appears that in nearly every case I can find online means they've met someone else.

 

I was 100% trusting of my ex and even though it seems every finger is pointing to there being someone else I still don't want to believe it.. perhaps I'm stupid, but as I deleted her and don't check social media I'll never find out, and that is probably best for me, I can believe my own version of events no matter how deluded.

 

Now lets say she had met someone else and had an "EA" or an affair.

 

What I struggle with is there have been a handful of times in the relationship where I've worked with a woman or whatever and had an attraction to them, both physically and mentally, really loved everything about them and probably even had thoughts I shouldn't of, enjoyed spending time with them etc.

 

But then I would NEVER and I repeat NEVER take that emotion or attraction any further because of my commitment to my ex.

 

It seems a lot of people do take it to the next level, but then again I guess the internet isn't a good source of statistics, those who don't take it to the next level obviously aren't posting on the internet because they let the infatuation pass and carried on happy with their relationship, thus, no internet post from them or their distressed spouse.

 

Just wondered peoples thoughts on if you had experienced a similar thing yourself when in a relationship and if you feel your lack of action or action was based on your morals, selfishness and/or commitment to the person you are with?

 

I can honestly say I would never act on something like that because of the respect for my partner and the devastation it would cause them, I think true love would not allow you to ruin someone elses life in that way.

 

Is society just imploding? disposable life? Don't like your car, get a new one, don't like your house, get a new one, don't like your relationship, get a new one.

 

Anyway, thoughts?

Edited May 2, 2014 by FredJones80

[Nimbus4dt]

I think its very true that as with everything in life, just replace it if its not working properly. My ex had a damaged iPad, I said get it repaired, but no, she was straight out and replaced it, why? Because she wished to get back on FB and look at other stuff. She does come from a town though and I am slightly older and am more of a country boy, life exists other than FB or dating sites.

Mine came out with the "I love you but am not in love with you any more" after a lovely w-end spent together, no arguing, nothing. So right out the blue it came.

I am convinced that she wouldn't jump ship unless she was going to land on another, I will give her 2 weeks before she is dating someone again, she was on a dating site less than 24hrs after dumping me for the 2nd time in a year.

Its too easy these days to just jump on board with someone else!

Social media does not help.

[Eddie007]

My ex said the same. After 4 years she "just isn't happy anymore" when I asked why she said she didn't know. I have not seen her since the day I left back in August. We have texted a few times but nothing more. After 5 months of NC I asked about meting up. She declined. No communication since then.

 

I don't think she had someone else. She just got bored and stopped trying with me. I had run into her brother a while back and he volunteered the info that she was single and had really struggled since the break-up. I didn't ask about her because I really didn't want to know.

 

Sometimes it just comes down to they just aren't happy. However don't take this as a negative against you. They are not happy with themselves and there is nothing anyone can do to change that.

[Babolat]

What I struggle with is there have been a handful of times in the relationship where I've worked with a woman or whatever and had an attraction to them, both physically and mentally, really loved everything about them and probably even had thoughts I shouldn't of, enjoyed spending time with them etc.

 

But then I would NEVER and I repeat NEVER take that emotion or attraction any further because of my commitment to my ex.

I am the same as you.

 

I dunno, since my marriage ended I have heard more about cheating, infidelity and the like that I guess I was oblivious to when I was married.

 

Almost all of the women I have dated sinc emy marriage ended were cheated on, sometimes more than once by the same man, and they stay with or go to the man. I read the forums here about cheating, and I am in shock. OW, OM, all the acronyms, I can't even keep up with it.

 

Yes, it does come down to morals, character, values and the like. I think you and I are in the minority these days.

[FredJones80]

Sometimes it just comes down to they just aren't happy. However don't take this as a negative against you. They are not happy with themselves and there is nothing anyone can do to change that.

 

Thanks, your post was really positive. I think you're somewhat right, I think every story has its unique answer, just reading the internet gives me the sinking feeling that it HAS to be someone else. I guess it is true many times but not always.

 

I guess I (and you) will never know really and that's the hardest part.

 

As I've read and resolved to myself, the hardest part of letting go of someone is when you really don't know why you are...

[Babolat]

will never know really and that's the hardest part.

I encourage you to not spend time and energy trying to figure out "why" or "what happened", "what did I do wrong", etc.

 

It will get you nowhere. Focus on you now.

[FredJones80]

Yes, it does come down to morals, character, values and the like. I think you and I are in the minority these days.

 

Seems so, giving me a bad outlook on life and making it hard for me to consider future relationships.

[Babolat]

Seems so, giving me a bad outlook on life and making it hard for me to consider future relationships.

Same for me man, but you have to move forward. I have trust issues with woman now, and I am working on it. I find myself "looking for signs" all the time.

[Eddie Edirol]

Thanks, your post was really positive. I think you're somewhat right, I think every story has its unique answer, just reading the internet gives me the sinking feeling that it HAS to be someone else. I guess it is true many times but not always.

 

I guess I (and you) will never know really and that's the hardest part.

 

As I've read and resolved to myself, the hardest part of letting go of someone is when you really don't know why you are...

 

Usually when you get dumped you dont get the real reason. You might be able to get clues when your head clears up. Sometimes its someone else, sometimes the dumper just cant take anymore. But when someone shows up thats better for the dumper, they dont care to tell you all the reasons they dont like you anymore. There could be a myriad of reasons why she "Wasnt happy anymore" her moving onto someone else was just the result. But the problems were happening way before that.

[oldshirt]

You are bring up a number of different things here and not sure what you are exactly wanting people to answer.

 

My thoughts on the morality issue is so much depends on the situation. A person dating someone for a few dates or a few weeks or months and ending the relationship because they weren't 'haaaaaaapy' is a far cry different than abandoning a spouse and minor children high and dry.

 

A single person dating has no moral obligation to not date others and no moral obligation to remain dating any one individual person for any period of time. Dating by its very nature is nonobligatory, that's what dating is. Dating is doing things and spending time with another person to get to know them in order to determine if you do want to enter into a socially and legally recognized commitment (ie marriage).

[Itspointless]

Our culture (western culture) is obsessed with happiness, being high all the time: Four Ways Happiness Can Hurt You | Greater Good

 

Combine that with the trend that we want everything as fast as possible and all the time. Investing and accepting each-others shortcomings than seems like a weird idea.

[FredJones80]

Usually when you get dumped you dont get the real reason. You might be able to get clues when your head clears up. Sometimes its someone else, sometimes the dumper just cant take anymore. But when someone shows up thats better for the dumper, they dont care to tell you all the reasons they dont like you anymore. There could be a myriad of reasons why she "Wasnt happy anymore" her moving onto someone else was just the result. But the problems were happening way before that.

 

I'm not even sure she did move on to someone else, but if problems are spoken about or resolved obviously they are going to get to a crunch point.

 

Either people need to speak about what's up or get out of a relationship before waiting til a point someone better or who doesn't have those problems turns up.

 

The issue is, it takes two to make a relationship, if someone can't communicate the issues they have with that relationship how do they expect the one they move on to, to be any better when it hits a similar point.

[FredJones80]

I encourage you to not spend time and energy trying to figure out "why" or "what happened", "what did I do wrong", etc.

 

It will get you nowhere. Focus on you now.

 

Sure, good advice.

 

In all honesty I would of prefared... "I'm bored of our relationship, I've met someone else"

 

As it is, it could be the reason, it might not be. Giving up on something that last so long for such a loosely worded reason "not happy" is awfully difficult to do.

 

But as you said, I can't dwell on it.

[movingonnow1]

I think people just give up too easily now. With social media and so many options, what is the point of holding onto something you don't feel as much anymore or working so hard for it when you can jump to the "next best thing"? In the end, if someone gives up you they aren't worth your time, effort and love.

 

I obviously do not think like this but I feel people generally nowadays have this mentality. My parents, who are more old school, both worked through every problem they have ever had. I find relationships like their very rare to come across today.

[FredJones80]

I think people just give up too easily now. With social media and so many options, what is the point of holding onto something you don't feel as much anymore or working so hard for it when you can jump to the "next best thing"? In the end, if someone gives up you they aren't worth your time, effort and love.

 

I obviously do not think like this but I feel people generally nowadays have this mentality. My parents, who are more old school, both worked through every problem they have ever had. I find relationships like their very rare to come across today.

 

I agree. Perhaps it comes with those who influence you growing up. My parents are still together, perhaps they didn't always agree on things, maybe they weren't always happy, but as I've said in another thread, happiness is a state that comes and goes, not a permanent destination. My ex's parents split up when she was young, as did her mothers following relationships, perhaps its inbuilt?

 

Obviously if you're completely miserable and its going on years then you should probably make a break, but marriage and LTR should be worked on.

 

Maybe I just have a rose tinted view on life that isn't realistic and perhaps the vague split up reason doesn't help.

 

All I know for the person I love I would be prepared to work to the n'th degree before calling it quits.

[FredJones80]

Oh I have to add this thread was less about my own situation and more about the amount of disheartening tales I've been reading about on the internet. My situation has just made me question a massive amount of things from love to relationships to life in general. A lot buzzing around in my head.

 

To answer oldshirt, my question was more about, has the world changed in a way that people have become more self centred, if that is the case do relationships and marriages have much chance any more?

 

Are we as people losing morals, respect and the ability to ride out problems? I've seen a real world example of a man in a car accident lose his legs and his wife leave him because she couldn't cope with it. Wtf?

 

I'm the kind of person if my long term partner/wife whatever lost all abilities (and I'm not that old) I'd dedicate my life to looking after them. To me this is love.

 

If you grow up with role models that have a string of relationships, none that really last, is it inevitable that you will see that as normal and it in some way influences your outlook on relationships?

 

In the early years of my relationship I'd say stupid things as you do like "i want to be with you forever" blah blah, the response was "nothing lasts forever" ... with that kind of outlook, maybe I should of been expecting this?

 

Sorry, I'm rambling, and now there are 300 discussions going on in my response. I'm baffled. I've lost faith in the world and in people.

[Eddie Edirol]

To answer oldshirt, my question was more about, has the world changed in a way that people have become more self centred, if that is the case do relationships and marriages have much chance any more?

 

In short, no. As promiscuity becomes more accepted, people have more options. And people will get used to moving onto those options if they think it is better than what they currently have, rather than learning to communicate. Its like everyones in high school. Ive seen people from broken homes, and parents that get divorced or are still together and miserable because of the kids, they think "Why put myself through something if it doesnt work?" Its constant greener grass syndrome going on. So if youre clueless as to how to keep someone attracted to you, you constantly get left for the next.

[STM206]

I think in the majority of cases, it's someone else. Regardless if that someone else is waiting on the sidelines or a person of interest.

 

I think that's probably the most painful thing, finding out they're already in a new relationship weeks or a couple months later.

 

My initial thought was "REALLY? That soon?!"

[STM206]

7. Are you going to stay with the person you date next when you came to the conclusion you no longer want to be with them and your life is better off without them in it? If they disagree, are you going to forgo your own happiness and stay with them?

 

This is where I have an issue. If I weren't happy, I would at least make an effort. Most of these shock, boom we're done breakups leave people in a haze.

 

You would think with as much time invested, they would've at least given the dumpees an encore, a final round to see if there was something to be saved.

 

I agree with the OP, people so easily just discard things these days.

[FredJones80]

Your reply seemed like it was more aimed at me that the person you quoted, so I'll reply.

 

A lot of what you say is good and I agree, its actually a good kick back to reality for a lot of people (myself included) - I don't agree with everything you said though.

 

1. Your parents are married you and your Ex were not.

 

This point is moot, I was in a serious LTR, 10+ years, not a couple of college kids playing at "forever"

 

A piece of paper saying married would of made no difference, if it fell apart, it fell apart, no matter what "vows" are spoken in a legal or religious ceremony can alter why something failed. People get married and then cheat on their husband / wife, so vows mean little to some.

 

3. Our Exes decided their life is better without us in it.

 

4. Our Exes determined in their own way and their own time they no longer wanted to be with us. Whether we knew this or not has no bearing, the decision has been made. They did not want to work on it, try to make it work, discuss it, debate it, etc. Why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you?

 

These are great statements and 100% correct.

 

The only bit I disagree with is the "Why would you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you?" which implies you're only with someone because they want to be with you and when that stops you suddenly stop wanting them?

 

7. Are you going to stay with the person you date next when you came to the conclusion you no longer want to be with them and your life is better off without them in it? If they disagree, are you going to forgo your own happiness and stay with them?

 

This is a hard one, any proper relationship of some time is always going to have its ups and downs, if you work through nothing you'll always be hopping to the next. If something "better" comes along what do you do when that hits a bump in the road too, you either work through it (as might of been needed in the r/s you left) or you again move on, where does it end? There are plenty of reasons my life is better off in certain respects being without my ex, but plenty of reasons it is worse too.

 

Its kind of my whole question, as I said it was less to do with my personal situation and just a general question of peoples thoughts.

Edited May 2, 2014 by FredJones80

[Itspointless]

You would think with as much time invested, they would've at least given the dumpees an encore, a final round to see if there was something to be saved.

I agree too, but is it really always that simple? Sometimes people feel they dig their own grave by trying to communicate their problems, because they make their partners anxious and relationship hell due to that. Sometimes the partners are told but they do not hear what they are told. I do think that often that encore is already played out in the relationship, but in a way the eventually dumped one has to be able to read the clear signs. Don't get me wrong though, I am a strong proponent for good and clear communication.

 

For me personally a relationship means that I find that person special and probably want to walk my life for as long as possible with her. I guess what is of our time is that relationships are more material, people more often think what can I get from it. Hm, I lost my legs legs, oh dear I stand in the way of her dreams now. Om my, this cripples what we planned to do. It has little to do with a lack of morals, instead it is another mindset. Probably many people themselves also do not expect that their partners to be there for them when they are faced with problems. 'You deserve better, I cannot give you anything right now'. But why do you think that I am here, only to receive something?

[FredJones80]

Finding and ending up with the person who you will eventually marry... is a PROCESS!

 

A lot of what you say is true, but not so clear cut.

 

People get married multiple times, its not just a selection process until you get to the end with the person you're most compatible with or "meant" to be with.

 

You could end up with a range of different people, some more or some less suitable for you, I guess it depends on which two people decide to stick together.

 

Your view point sounds like you're in your early 20's, perhaps I'm wrong, but your outlook on things changes as you get older.

 

One thing I whole heartedly agree with, they left us because they feel their life is better without us...

 

It has gone slightly off topic, my point was about people trading "up" or whatever, acting on attractions, some people will, some won't, the question is why? most people get the chance at something "better" or different should we say, something that comes with less everyday stress, less worrying about bills, more exciting, but to me that is called "infatuation" and those people will find that when the everyday mundane comes back around with that new person - you may just find yourself in the same arena again.

Edited May 2, 2014 by FredJones80

[FredJones80]

I'm speaking to the target audience. Do you know what that is?

 

Actually, that does clear a lot up, I didn't know the demographic of the forum

 

So, most of what you wrote makes more sense.

 

Where is the a bit more over the hill, serious relationship section ?

[Itspointless]

Actually, that does clear a lot up, I didn't know the demographic of the forum

 

So, most of what you wrote makes more sense.

 

Where is the a bit more over the hill, serious relationship section ?

More serious relationship section? Sometimes I notice that people here think that everyone here is in his twenties, that is far from the truth. When it comes to seriousness well I learned one thing in my 35 years, that has nothing to do with age,

 

As I said in my previous post:"I guess what is of our time is that relationships are more material, people more often think what can I get from it. Hm, I lost my legs legs, oh dear I stand in the way of her dreams now. Om my, this cripples what we planned to do. It has little to do with a lack of morals, instead it is another mindset. Probably many people themselves also do not expect that their partners to be there for them when they are faced with problems. 'You deserve better, I cannot give you anything right now'. But why do you think that I am here, only to receive something?' I see many ages do this. I do recognize what Truth Hurts says about young people and the ways their relations often end.

[lil hoodlum]

Sure, good advice.

 

In all honesty I would of prefared... "I'm bored of our relationship, I've met someone else"

 

As it is, it could be the reason, it might not be. Giving up on something that last so long for such a loosely worded reason "not happy" is awfully difficult to do.

 

But as you said, I can't dwell on it.

 

 

I agree with you. I would rather be told the truth as horrible as it might have been.

 

I was told, "I'm not sure how I feel about you, I am confused." This is after 4.5 years together and she not once ever let on that she was unhappy about anything or that she had some issues with me or the relationship. I do know that she wasn't confused about what she was doing. She pulled a 180 on me immediately and as quick as she could removed me from her life. Never looked back nor apologized. And this is someone who I loved completely and would have done anything for.

 

It took me nearly 1.5 years to get over the heartache and pain. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

 

Sadly, I think she isn't even aware of what is like to go through something like this or how horrible it is to be treated like this. I hope that she never has to experience this either. They say that after you heal, you become stronger and a better person for having gone through something like this. I don't see how going through something like this is beneficial.