lostfaith Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Hi, I just wanted to share my story. I am exMOW who had a 3.5 month emotional and physical affair with my friend’s husband. We are responsible adults educated with good jobs, income. We have known each other for one year prior to the affair, spent time as families together, our daughters played together, but we never talked to each other too much, I was more interested in his wife as my friend. Shortly after I separated from my husband (temporary one year separation due to his work) we went out together with exMOM and other friends, I got drunk, he took me home, we kissed and etc. Next day I wanted to forget it all but he called and long story short we continued. During the affair we had sex multiple multiple times and said all possible things that you can only imagine to each other I love you, my only true love, yours forever, heart, mind and soul together, you complete me, made plans for divorce. He was the first one to say I love you, I want to marry you, Please wait for me, I have no doubts in my mind, I waited forever for somebody like you, cannot wait till we can be together forever. It felt good. It was absolutely 50/50. We tried to break it off, but never seriously. Obviously we were both craving the emotional/physical connection which has been missing for years or was never there in our otherwise very normal marriages. After 3.5 months exMOM and his family moved to a different state, and for 2 months we continued everyday texting with I love yous, etc. I started feeling bad about this whole thing, wanted a resolution, asked him to either break up or tell our spouses the truth and divorce/be together. He suggested that we should just be friends till one day we divorce and then see if we really want to be together. His explanation was that he got busy with his work, needs to concentrate on himself. I asked him if he plans to work on his marriage, he said no, his marriage was failing. I told him I cannot switch to just being friends, but then came back and said ok. We continued a very low contact through FB. In a month or so after the break up my husband went through my email accounts and found out deleted conversations. He confronted me and I told him the truth. Everything, not denying my feelings towards exMOM. I apologized, but never begged my husband to take me back etc. I never told my exMOM about my DDay. My husband thought that exMOM’s wife needs to know the truth, so he emailed exMOM and asked him to tell her. exMOM contacted me and asked me to lie, he thought I was trying to ruin his life, etc. I refused and explained to him about DDay and it pushed him to confess to his wife. She asked my husband for the evidence, he emailed her whatsapp conversations which spanned two months where we talked about sex, divorce, love etc. exMOM did not deny anything but told his wife that I put the first move on him, all "I love yous" and promises to me, talks about divorce were all lies, he loves and has always loved his wife and will take it to his grave. He wanted to tell all these words he told me to his wife and make her fall deeply in love with him again. I just filled the blanks that she left. Totally humiliating and heart breaking. I wrote some angry emails just to him in the aftermath asking for explanation for his words. Not proud at all. exMOM’s wife contacted my husband to try to persuade him that I am not a good person, it was all my fault that I believed the man's lies, her husband is not a liar, he apologized to everyone and this is the attitude that she trusts. I do not blame exMOM’s wife for anything. I deserved it all. I am on a roller-coaster of emotions every day since Dday. During my 10 year marriage I never lied, cheated or hid anything from my husband. I never betrayed any of my friends before. I feel awful for what I did, I feel awful that my exMOM could throw me under the bus, I feel awful that I did it to him too. I feel awful that all wonderful words mean nothing any longer. Sorry if I do not make any sense. I do not make any sense to me either.
QuakerOats Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Wow, I'm sorry. That is a really painful story. I think most MM throw the OW under the bus when pushed against the wall. It is pathetic, but it seems to be the pattern. What will you do now? Are you going to try and stay with your H? 2
littlemermaid Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand how horrible you feel. I was in a similar situation recently but my xMOM stopped things before we ended up having actual sex and at this point, I am glad he did because I know he would have done exactly what your xMOM did, throw me under the bus, say it was all me, etc. I could see him setting me up for that from day one. I also wanted to tell you that I was in another situation 10 years ago before I married my husband when a similar thing happened as yours, in that I was with someone and it was very passionate and full of I love yous and marriage promises etc...he said everything in the world that a woman would ever want to hear. He was separated from his wife at the time, not living together, but one day I called him and she answered and just like that, they were back together and I was under the bus, he called me every name in the book, said I was just filling in the empty spaces she had left in him and that everything he said to me was really only how he felt for her, that he only said that stuff to make me feel good but that he never meant any of it toward me....just like your xMOM. Many ugly phone calls and emails were exchanged and in the end I told him to never contact me again. That was 10 years ago almost to the day that he wrote to me on facebook this week, begging for my forgiveness, saying he knows he doesn't deserve it, but that he has never stopped thinking about me and missing me every day of these 10 years. Haha! I won't reply to this. So maybe your xMOM means what he said before, or maybe he means what he is saying now. But in the end, now he has shown you that he would hurt you like this so you know what kind of a man he really is. 1
Author lostfaith Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Thank you so much for your replies. I am not sure what I am going to do at this point. My husband forgave me completely and wants to work on our marriage. He has been there for me. We are still separated due to his work ( we will be back together in June). The problem in our marriage is the absense of sex. We work very well as friends/parents, but not as husband/wife. He wants the intimacy. I want it too. I am not sure if it can be worked out. It has been absent for some time. I am just so lost, hurt, feeling guilty and overall crazy. Again thank you for listening.
Sub Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 He had no plans to work on his marriage, then when it hits the fan he reverses course. My god what a coward. Also, why are you separated due to work? I've never heard of this before. Do you just mean physically separated, as in not in the same place? Or actually "separated"? Just curious. 2
snappytomcat Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 lostfaith im truly sorry for the pain you are in,mm men can be the best liars on the planet,and I might add cowards too. please just take care of yourself 2
Author lostfaith Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 We are physically separated. Two different countries. Families are not allowed where my husband is and I could not go with him due to my job. I feel like I betrayed my husband. Absolutely. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I do not know what to do. exMOM's wife also called our common friends ( there were five of us before) who in turn stopped talking to me/withdrew. exMOM's wife also contacted my husband to tell him that I should not play a victim. It was my choice to believe the man's lies and he did not have a gun to my head. I think she was referring to my email that I sent to her husband asking him to give me an explanation for all his words, promises, etc. I was just hurt. I wanted an explanation. She felt that it was not his place to do it. He should pay for what he has done to her, but not to me. My husband told her that it is not good to lie or manipulate anyone, spouse or not. And there is no anyone who is worse than a man who cannot stand up and own his words. I am not an innocent person either. I cheated, I lied, I betrayed. It is just so painful overall. How to move on from it?
Goodbye Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 lostfaith, what a nightmare. Your exMOM is a sh*t. I'm glad you came clean with your H and he is able to forgive. My thought when reading your OP was that the MOM probably KNEW he was moving and figured he'd indulge in the affair and all the love that goes along with it and when he moved he'd let things run their course and go back to being a married man, with the affair undiscovered. You rained on his plans by disclosing to your H after D day. Such a spineless coward. I think he is an opportunist. How are you doing with all of this? Do you still miss the affair? Or have you closed that chapter? Does the way he threw you under the bus still upset you or have you accepted it and moved on? 3
sunburned Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Former MOW here. I feeI like the official broken record of Love Shack, but I will share again something important that I learned on this site. Married men can say I love you early and often because no follow-up is required. They say what they think you want to hear. Then they don't have to do anything about it. If it were a single guy, he would have to start acting like someone in love and thinking about marriage. A MM only has to say "Hey, you knew I was married," and he is covered. I am sorry you are hurting. Your story is all too common here. The infamous bus has mowed down a lot of women here and a few men too. While it takes two to tango, it sounds like your MM took advantage of your husband's long absences to make his move. Cheesy coward. Have he and your H spoken to each other? Your H sounds like a great guy. I hope you can work things out. One of the many nasty aspects of an affair is the all too common abrupt ending. Some of us feel like we really need that closure. In time, you realize you have to create your own. You will not get it from him. 12
Author lostfaith Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 As crazy as it sounds, I do definitely miss how I felt during the affair, I miss the physical part of it and emotional too. Not as much, but I still do. I want this connection. It does not exist in my marriage. My mind still keeps searching for an explanation for his behaviour. Because everyone around me who knows him thinks he is a good person. Caring, honest, nice, responsible, dependable. What happened? How could I have done it also?
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Thank you so much for your replies. I am not sure what I am going to do at this point. My husband forgave me completely and wants to work on our marriage. He has been there for me. We are still separated due to his work ( we will be back together in June). The problem in our marriage is the absense of sex. We work very well as friends/parents, but not as husband/wife. He wants the intimacy. I want it too. I am not sure if it can be worked out. It has been absent for some time. I am just so lost, hurt, feeling guilty and overall crazy. Again thank you for listening. Focus on reconnecting with your husband. Do marriage counseling, work on yourself, learn boundaries so you'll never come so friendly and close to another man aka affair proof yourself and your marriage. If you love your husband and want to keep your family under one roof then BOTH of you have to work together and put in 100% effort to make your marriage better and stronger. You're extremely lucky that your H has forgiven you and wants to give you a chance to prove your trust to him. He obviously loves you and thinks the marriage is worth saving. You two loved one another enough to get married and have kids, so try to recapture those feelings. For the sake of your kids. As for exMM and his wife, their marriage now is none of your concern or business. What he says or does doesn't matter. He threw you under the bus, that's how he has dealt with it. Don't let what he says discourage you and your husband from going on with your lives. It really doesn't matter who chased who, you and exMM chose to cheat on your spouses willingly for almost four months, so pointing fingers on who started it doesn't matter as the affair still happened. 6
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 As crazy as it sounds, I do definitely miss how I felt during the affair, I miss the physical part of it and emotional too. Not as much, but I still do. I want this connection. It does not exist in my marriage. My mind still keeps searching for an explanation for his behaviour. Because everyone around me who knows him thinks he is a good person. Caring, honest, nice, responsible, dependable. What happened? How could I have done it also? You won't find that intensity and connection with your H. He is someone you've known for a long time and that first love/crushy/sexual feelings, all fun and new at the beginning of relationships, especially affairs, can't be reproduced again with your H. Unless you want to divorce and find another man to bring new feelings, though eventually feelings like that fade and you'd be in the same spot as now... You got addicted to how exMM made you feel. Time to realize that those feelings felt was selfish...on the expense of your H. Bolded. Both you and your exMM put yourselves first, above your family's needs. People do things they normally wouldn't do or become different people during an affair. You learned how to lie, just like exMM, you learned to keep your A a secret, learned how to put your A out of your head and continue to live life. He is no worse nor no better than you. 6
Soverysad123 Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Lostfaith. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I know how much you are hurting right now and how confused you must feel. I am going through a very similar experience myself. Give yourself time. Don't be hard on yourself. Everything is out in the open and you now need to work, really work on your M. I have over the last few days started to accept that things won't be the same between my H and my A partner because of so many reasons. But when I see my H playing with our children, or helping with homework or when we are jousting sorting out what we want to do over the weekend, or friends pop over and we are all laughing - I know (deep down) that I would never have that life with my A partner. So for all the chemistry and sparks (and incredible sex) that over time would fad and I would be left with broken children. Every day you will miss him even though he threw you under the bus but I am sure he felt those things for you just realised that his home, wife and children and the history they have are more valuable. I truly had deep feelings for my A partner not sure if it was love but I think it was but I now know I can't have both. I can't have my exMM and my family or if I did it comes at a cost that in the light of day is not worth paying for. I so far have been lucky (although others will disagree) but my H does not know of the A. But dealing with those feelings you have are hard. I wish you we'll. sending you a great big hug and I really get how you feel. 3
Friskyone4u Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 You need to either divorce your husband, or figure out how to at least make your relationship somewhat more sexually fulfilling to you. There are very very few couples who are able to maintain their " exciting" connection throughout long term marriages. Kids , work etc, all that is absent from the "affair". Stop bashing the OM. Most people retreat into self preservation mode when cornered. And you were more than a willing participant. It always amazes me how women want to shift the blame, and some me , to the AP. you are an adult, you know that very few men will resist a married woman willing to sleep with them The OM is NOT the problem here. Your lack of attraction to your husband is and if that is not fixed somehow it is just a mater of time until you are in the same place again if your H puts up with it when he returns and has to live with you every day. 1
Scott Thomas Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Lost Faith, I understand how you're feeling and shall take this opportunity to express my condolences. First of all, the question you need to ask is, are you willing to DO YOUR VERY BEST to reconcile with your husband? Do not reconcile with him just because the poor fellow is financially secure and can provide for you. Stay in the marriage if you really love him. That being said, people owe their spouses their 'fidelity'. The OM owed you nothing and you discovered this that hard way. You were willing to give up every thing for him but he there you away as if you didn't matter. This is the truth, regardless of the anguish it may cause. If you want to reconcile and work on your marriage then I suggest you start reading/posting on the infidelity section. You will receive harsh responses and might even be tempted to flee from that particular section, but the OW/OM section is hardly the place to post if you're working on your marriage as a WS (just my opinion and experience). How would you feel if the roles were reversed? And mark my words, my experience tells me that your marriage won't recover or your H might have a RA if you don't start working on your marriage asap. At this point, what do you want to do?
Lady2163 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 As I read your story, I immediately thought your husband might be in the military. A couple of things that jump out at me. 1). You got involved with a married man who was a friends husband. You got involved with a man who was leaving - and you probably knew they were moving. In 3.5 months you had such intense emotions for each other. These are all kind of damaging behaviors. You're setting yourself up to fall and fail a lot. 2). Your husband accessing your account. Uhm, did he not trust you to start? His wife is looming for a scapegoat and youre it. I'm so sorry for you. Really I am. I would like to encourage you to do what is right for you now. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life with your husband, now is the time to start thinking about ending it. Therapy - individual and couples can help.
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