Author fleafly Posted February 18, 2005 Author Posted February 18, 2005 I should have added that it was solely MY decision to not tell anyone about this, which kind of tells me something about myself, and how I always keep everything inside. My wife told the MC in our session the other day that she has never seen me open up and be so honest, that was kind of surprising to her, because Ive always felt as though Ive never kept anything from HER. There are things Ive told her that Ive never been able to share with anyone else, not really sure what she was getting at there. But like I said, I think the main reason I dont wnt anyone to know is, not only is it embarrassing, but I some how feel less as a man, as though some how Im to blame for all of this, yet deep inside I know this NOT to be true. Sure, I realized that I and we were not happy at times, but I felt it was truly due to the circumstance in our life at the time, and I tried the best I could to make it work, which is now why I feel Im at this crossroad in my life, if I tried so hard to make things right , and this is the result I have been dealt, what will change that now that this is out?!? I also talked to OM wife today, to let her know the results of STD test were negative. I was truly shocked to hear how she was doing, she ended up counseling me! She has made tremendous strides in the two weeks since we have last talked. Here I am still treading in the same place I was the last time I talked to her, and it seems as though she is ready to move on with her life, with or without OM. I know our situation is kind of different, she is still in her home after all, with her kids, but her strength thru this is remarkable, she is an amazing woman. She basically told me to stop worrying about everything else and just to focus on healing myself, she has TOTAL confidence that this is definitely over based on what Om has told her, then again, I guess that is another difference, since he has been totally honest(*not according to MW, but whatever), and to touch on OWL's post, he made the effort to contact both sides of their families, including their friends , to tell them what has happened and how sorry he is. I guess the rollercoaster ride continues......P.S.> TMW thank you for your post, meant alot.
ThumbingMyWay Posted February 18, 2005 Posted February 18, 2005 Originally posted by fleafly I should have added that it was solely MY decision to not tell anyone about this, which kind of tells me something about myself, and how I always keep everything inside. My wife told the MC in our session the other day that she has never seen me open up and be so honest, that was kind of surprising to her, because Ive always felt as though Ive never kept anything from HER. There are things Ive told her that Ive never been able to share with anyone else, not really sure what she was getting at there. WOW....I was the same way....I thought everything was fine...but i was blind to my wifes needs. I kept things in too....we didnt communicate our deepest feelings, fears and emotional needs. But now, thru MC...we share EVERYTHING....and its a wonderful place to be....no more games....but total honesty with everything we think, feel and desire together as a couple and as individuals. But like I said, I think the main reason I dont wnt anyone to know is, not only is it embarrassing, but I some how feel less as a man, as though some how Im to blame for all of this, yet deep inside I know this NOT to be true. Brother....I am right there with you. Thru recovery, i discovered I was a very insecure man. Not only from what happend....but from all the experiecnes in my life. I remeber telling the MC...crying....I told her.....if my wife left me...I would be scared that if I found someone else, they would leave me too because I was a bad person. EVEN though I know I people didnt think I was a bad person, i felt it inside. But MC is changing that in me. I am a good compassionate person, loving father, faithful husband.....I am OK....but it took me a while to finaly except that in my heart. I changed the attitude of my heart....and now it shows on the outside. I feel Im at this crossroad in my life, if I tried so hard to make things right , and this is the result I have been dealt, what will change that now that this is out?!? you change it by changing your attitude. Accept the circumstances....inventory your feelings, find a way to deal with these feelings....process them...then let them leave your body.....remove the negative energy, by changing the attitude of you heart. I also talked to OM wife today.......She basically told me to stop worrying about everything else and just to focus on healing myself EXACTLY.....MC will help with this....give it time I guess the rollercoaster ride continues......P.S.> TMW thank you for your post, meant alot. Your welcome, we are all here for you. The rollercoaster.....yes it will continue for a while.....I can say for me anyway....that I am on a level run of my ride....have not had any ups or downs in at least a month or so.....aint over yet, but I do see the end coming....
Author fleafly Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 Well, back again. i figured I would stop posting in here a few days, try to get my mind centered as my counselor says. i have decided to go to counseling alone, as I am going to concentrate on my anger management issues first and foremost. i am going to take the next six months or so and concentrate solely on healing myself, I figure if anything good will come out of this, it will be the ability to not repeat my past mistakes. As far as the rest is concerned, and I know its still "early", but I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this marriage is over(or at least thats the way Ive felt the last 5 days lol). Ive spent the last couple of days going over things, reading some of the things that MW has wrote/said to me, and Ive realized how little control Ive had over our marriage since this has been going on. One thing she wrote to me was that having the OM in her life was the only thing that kept us together, Im having a hard time with that. The next thing is, and Im not sure if I shared this earlier. About a year ago, I was so unhappy with where we were at that I decided that we should seperate. I had begun to look for places to live and even sat down with the kids, trying to explain the situation to them. That was as hard for me then as it was now. My wife became hysterical at this point, begging me to stay, telling me she would do whatever it took to make things right, the same as she is doing today. The thing that I cant figure out is, at this point she was six months into her affair. Why didnt she end it then? Then she told me over the weekend when I brought this up that she was going to OM for advice on what she should do! Maybe that would explain a little better about the kind of person I am dealing with here. Shes begging me to stay, so I do, deciding right then that Im going to do whatever I can to make things right, she tells me one day that one of her friends that is getting married is having a bachlerette party in vegas(bachlerette party in vegas, hell no!!), go ahead honey, have fun. Wants to rent a cabin for the summer, we dont have a pot to piss in at the time, sure honey, lets do it, it will be good for the "family". Sitting on a lake with no boat, lets buy a boat, ok no problem. So while Im trying like hell to make things work, shes having a affair to "keep our marriage going". I dont know, I just dont feel like its worthwhile, to be honest. We had another argument last night, as she now resents me for having these kind of thoughts, and she asks me why I cant give her another chance. Well wouldnt anyone agree that Ive already given her a chance, and she either failed or ignored the fact that I gave her a chance and she decided that being with another man was what she really wanted? Sorry for babbling, guess Im venting again.. Anyways, Im going back to counseling again tomorrow, to help me with all this anger Im feeling right now, he did say a couple of things yesterday that got me thinking, as to why Im feeling so much anger instead of sadness or grief, and I didnt want to wait another week to see him again, maybe thats a start.
Moose Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Hang in there friend. Sometimes marriages do fail. The important thing for you to remember is that even though she's saying that this OM was the only thing keeping her in the marriage, it still isn't your fault. Sure, you may have been neglecting her in some areas, but at the same time, she should've communicated what was missing in her life, and what she wanted from you to avoid the affair, and she didn't. I get a sense that you're trying to find who's to blame and are trying to justify the direction you're pointing in. Truth of the matter is, it takes 2 to destroy a marriage, so you both are to blame in one area or another. It's best to just stop playing the, "blame game", bury your resentment and heal thyself. We're here for ya man!
jmargel Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Flea.. you are still in the anger phase. Look up the 5 stages of grief. Thing is your emotions will jump from anger to being calm from day to day. It will take months if not years to get through this. Continue counseling since this is really helping you. Keep your pride by not going after this other guy physically. That will resolve nothing. As for her cheating on you, the marriage has been rocky before her affair. You two need to deal with the 'issues' concerning that, not just the affair itself. Communication between you two is not on the level it should be between married couples. Please check my link in my signature. It has helped some and it might help you as well. You are the victim of the affair, but she is the victim of your actions before the affair happened. The things she wrote in that journal were from a woman who was seeking something in another man that she lost in you. That is now in the past. She has chosen to be with you. You are basing your OWN self-worth by all of this. You need to stop that, and to stop over-working your mind. Hang in there..
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Yes, anger is part of grieving, it's part of the pain - IN any situation, death of a loved one, a job etc...You just have to ride out this rollercoaster. Don't be sorry for venting ever. That is what this place is all about. Good that you are continuing therapy on your own and this therapist will help you cope. And the rest of us will be your support system and be here for when you need us.
sylviaguardian Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Hi fleafly, Hang in there hon. We can all relate to how you're feeling right now. Originally posted by fleafly As far as the rest is concerned, and I know its still "early", but I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this marriage is over(or at least thats the way Ive felt the last 5 days lol). Don't worry - I think most of us feel this. I did at least 4-5 times and will fully expect to again. Ive spent the last couple of days going over things, reading some of the things that MW has wrote/said to me, and Ive realized how little control Ive had over our marriage since this has been going on. But you are starting to take control now by examining what you want. One thing she wrote to me was that having the OM in her life was the only thing that kept us together, Im having a hard time with that. The next thing is, and Im not sure if I shared this earlier. About a year ago, I was so unhappy with where we were at that I decided that we should seperate. I had begun to look for places to live and even sat down with the kids, trying to explain the situation to them. That was as hard for me then as it was now. My wife became hysterical at this point, begging me to stay, telling me she would do whatever it took to make things right, the same as she is doing today. The thing that I cant figure out is, at this point she was six months into her affair. Why didnt she end it then? She didn't end it because the affair partner wasn't someone she wanted to leave you for. He was a smokescreen that covered up other problems. Ditto to saying it kep the marriage together. Then she told me over the weekend when I brought this up that she was going to OM for advice on what she should do! That is hurtful, but by this point perhaps she was so used to discussing her problems with him that it seemed natural. wouldnt anyone agree that Ive already given her a chance, and she either failed or ignored the fact that I gave her a chance and she decided that being with another man was what she really wanted? But what she wanted wasn't to be with the OM or she could have easily done that. Even when things hit rock bottom she chose you to be married to Anyways, Im going back to counseling again tomorrow, to help me with all this anger Im feeling right now, he did say a couple of things yesterday that got me thinking, as to why Im feeling so much anger instead of sadness or grief, and I didnt want to wait another week to see him again, maybe thats a start. Sometimes a lot of the anger comes from a belief that life should be fair. It isn't fair and we have to accept that or sink. I don't have advice that I can give you - I think this is just a stage that you need to go through. Anger is a natural reaction to being threatened or having someone take what we think is rightfully ours. Stick in there fleafly. Come and vent here - it helps, I know. Syl
Author fleafly Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 well..... here I am again, having to thank you all for not only being there for me, but for being right, as usual. I had a very good session today, I was totally wrong about this guy. He is really helping me come to grips with this, focusing on ways to channel my anger and making me realize(finally I know) that its ok to let my "vulnerable" side come out, and I have to say, its pretty refreshing. I dont think Ive tried so hard not to cry in my entire life.He also helped me with a way to deal with my wife, as she is in a pretty critical stage right now. I have never seen her like this before, as far as the grief she is feeling. She hasnt been able to go to work, she just lies in bed all day crying. She went to the doctor to get help with this, but apparently it takes a couple of weeks for the meds to take effect. I had to stay the night at my house last night as I was really concerned about leaving her alone, but at the same time Im afraid that I might be sending the wrong message, meaning, I am still not ready to commit to reconciling, and am still pretty adamant that this will never change, but man, he really got me thinking today, and again, its a start, right? Thanks all, Ill keep in touch.....
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Hey, that's great you had a good therapy sesssion...I'm glad that you're sticking with it. I know through my own experience with therapy (diff. reason - mine is cognitive behaviour therapy because of my anxiety attacks) it took a while to get into the groove, allow myself to open up and FEEL all the emotions and actually cry. My thing is, what you put into it, is what you get out of it. Push yourself as hard as you can when you can and I promise it will be easier for you and you will look back in a month and be so surprised and pleased with what you've accomplished for yourself Flea. Just keep the door open when it comes to your wife. Remember what you read in Dazed's posts and know that there still is ALOT of love left between you both, just will take time and alot of work to get through it...If it is what you want. Hugs to you Flea!
Author fleafly Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Well, I found out yesterday that my wife has been reading this thread since I had started it. I was kind of shocked by this and to be honest I really didnt want her to see it, I kind of liked having this place as my own little ranting area, and Im afraid that I will now watch what I say because I know she will be reading it. Thanks you for your post sylvia, I love the way you broke things down for me, very useful. I would also like to say thank you to all of you that have responded to my wife's postings, although you might have noticed that she doesnt seem to follow advice to well. All Ive wanted and asked fron her is honesty and truthfulness to help me sort things out. Im not exactly sure why she cant do this and it pushes me further away from her every day. One step forward, two steps back is what I told her last nite(hi honey, I DO LOVE YOU, I wish I could just focus on me instead of worrying about you all of the time, please understand). Maybe some day you will understand what it like to lose complete trust and respect for the person that you loved and cared for more then any person in this world, to realize that everything I have hoped and dreamed for has been shattered, with the feelings of hopelessnees that this will never again feel or be the same. You must think I get some kind of enjoyment out of having to monitor your every move, wondering who is calling my house at nite , whose car might be parked in my driveway, who might be sharing MY bed while the kids are asleep. Yea, I love it honey, I hope I feel like this for the rest of my life. And while Im at it, maybe I should talk about the dreams I have during the precious 2-3 hoours that I get to sleep. Ahh, maybe some other time.
Barby Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Well, I found out yesterday that my wife has been reading this thread since I had started it. How did you find out? I read a post (but don't think I responded) by "fleaflyex" and she stated she was your wife...I wondered if indeed it was true....you never know..it could be an effective way of expressing yourselves to each other in ways that you're maybe not comfortable doing normally?!?! Just a thought!
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Flea, I feel for you and yes, this was your personal venting site- We were all here for you and to help you. But, your wife has found this site and been reading and now recently posting..I can understand you feeling invaded...BUT Don't let that stop you from continuing posting. Vent away, be honest and personally I think now having her read your thoughts, your words and knowing ALL the pain you are feeling might actually help her see what she's done. I'm going to do my best to post to both of you. No sides being taken by me...All I want to do is see you both get to a point where you realize you both really want to try your hardest to make it work...The outcome of that after all belongs to the two of you...But if I can help in anyway to push you both in that direction...Well, I got time on my side right now. (yeah sucks being between jobs!) And while Im at it, maybe I should talk about the dreams I have during the precious 2-3 hoours that I get to sleep. Ahh, maybe some other time. If you can't TELL her this face to face, then put it out on here so she reads it. Try and have a good weekend Flea.
Author fleafly Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Yes barby, that is my wife that has been posting here. As far as expressing myself well, that has been difficult as of late. My wife has "suddenly" come to the realization that this is real, its not going away, and our marriage is pretty much over. She has been what I would describe as hysterical this whole week, and since I have moved out, this has been of great concern to me. Now that we are in separate counseling, her for the attempt at salvaging the marriage, and me for anger management(see above if you haven't followed this thread. She spends most of her days and nites sobbing uncontrollably, and I naturally have to come and comfort her. I stayed the nite this week and we ended up sleeping together, something that I always regret doing, most of the times while in the act(all, actually). I feel as though I send her false signals while I am doing this, she believes that because I am there I want to come back, and this couldnt be further then the truth. If my living situation wasnt so ****ed up i would only go there for my kids, I now find myself going there for the stupidest reasons, laundry(today), to get on the computer, which is something I cannot avoid because I am a full-time student that doesnt work and if I format disks on the computers at the library I cant open them at school, just my luck lately. So I talked to my counselor about this and and he devised a way to sugarcoat this, by saying just because I might spend the night doesnt mean Im coming back, or if you dont here from me for days doesnt mean Im never coming back. In the meantime I am exploring all avenues, looking into divorce, as far as the costs of this without an attorney involved, to the effects that this will have on my kids, and even trying to reconcile this thing, which to be honest, I have been spending the least amount of time on. I have thought this whole thing through, from the time it began until the time I found out, and theres just too many things that I know of, not even trying to imagine the things I dont know about, that lead me to believe that there is nothing left to hold on too, at least nothing I would want too. The problems we had in our marriage were due to circumstance the I or we had no control over. We or least I knew that there was an end to this, and while the pressures of both of us going to school full time, her working full-time, me not working and dealing with my health issues(which she resented, me not working, like I had choice in the matter), I constantly remind her this this was only a two year set back, yet at the time I started school she started having an affair. No excuses folks, I refuse to take partial blame for this, and thats the hole Im stuck in. As far as the dreams Im having, she knows about them, At least that I can describe to her without breaking down and crying. Thats the reason I cant sleep at nite, some kind of defense mechanism. I took one of the sleeping pills she got from her doctor the nite I stayed over this week, went to sleep at two, woke up at 4.
Author fleafly Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 Well I havent posted in a week, I have been trying to do alot of thinking as far as where exactly I am at, and where this is all leading. I really have been trying to deal with all of this anger I have had, as you well know I have been flip-flopping all over the place emotionally. Then comes TMW and his sudden revelation, and it just threw me. I went back and read all of his posts to me, the last one he wrote, well I cannot describe the hurt I am feeling for him right now, every thing he has accomplished in the last 8 months or whatever have been washed away, I cannot imagine what he must be going thru. My biggest fear is EXACTLY what has happened to him, deciding to reconcile only to have something like this happen all over again, somewhere down the road. I have still been obsessing about my own situation, I went through my wife's phone records again, this time I discovered a phone number that I didnt recognize, called my wife to ask her who's it was, she told me it was some guy's that she used to work with, only talked to him once a month. Well, Ill just say that it was a little bit more then that, say 2-3 a week at least. So now Im asking her about this, who is he(never met him), how long have you been talking to him, the usual bull****, I could tell from the tone of her voice that something was amiss. She kept telling me that theres nothing there, that they are just friends. Well how come I didnt know him, never met him, hes never called the house(as friends just might do). I dont get this, is it just me obsessing? She hasnt worked with this guy in years, he is single, what the hell is this? Thats my point with TMW and his current situation, my wife initally told me her A was with someone else, I told her yesterday about TMW situation and said man if I didnt find out who it was, we would have been in the same situation, sitting in MC with you lying the whole time, she said it "eventually" would have came out. Like 6 months later?!? Somebody tell me my mind is playing tricks on me!
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 I discovered a phone number that I didnt recognize, called my wife to ask her who's it was, she told me it was some guy's that she used to work with, only talked to him once a month. Well, Ill just say that it was a little bit more then that, say 2-3 a week at least. So now Im asking her about this, who is he(never met him), how long have you been talking to him, the usual bull****, I could tell from the tone of her voice that something was amiss. Why does she have men friends YOU don't know about? Need to ask her that. Any guy that I know, my husband knows...Most are co-workers, he knows them because we worked at the same work place. I've met afew nice men through freelance jobs etc, we've talked and kept intouch, my husband eventually meets and gets to know aswell. I did a ride-along with the Fire Department and afew of the FF's and I got to be buddies...Now my buddies are my hubby's buddies and their wives and I are friends too. Couples...Not one on one. Only calls. I highly doubt she is cheating on you with this other guy, but a red flag DID go up when I read what you wrote Flea, and especially now with what is happening with Thumbs, I'm sure your threshold of trust is really lower now than it was afew days ago. Your mind is not playing tricks on you. She needs to COME CLEAN about everything. Flea, my hearts with ya too, s***, I cried lastnight reading Thumbs note to his wife, her admissions...Today reading abit more too, I'm feeling sad again.
Author fleafly Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 WWIU, I know what you mean about Thumbs, damn I hope he can get through this, whatever way he decides to go with it. I am sure that he is feeling the same way as me, his mind filled with rage, questioning everything he thought he had. I cant ven post in his wifes thread, I feel so much contempt for her that it will probably do more harm then good. I should have also added that yesterday was our 9th anniversary, wasnt a good day in general. i went to counseling yesterday as well, which wasnt good. we started doing these exercises, "now close your eyes and imagine the anger side of you is in a room, and you are on the outside of the room looking in" kind of stuff. All I could think of during this is Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting! Im not sure if this counseling thing is for me. Dazed sent me his ebook and I have been going thru this quite a few times, as I have found this to be the only thing that has helped me (thanks Don!). I told him that this is the first time that someone has written something that describes exactly how I am feeling, no book I have found has been able to do this for me. As far as this new guy that has entered my life, I dont even know what to say or think. I remember like a year ago, I was looking for a new cell phone deal and I suggested using the plan that she had so we could share our minutes and have one cell phone bill instead of two, she was totally against this, now I think I know why. And I know that MW isnt going to just "come clean" I mean if something was/did happen, she would NEVER tell me at this point, that I know for sure. My trust in her is completely gone at this point.
DazednConfused Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Hey Flea! Tmw's situation is tearing me up as well. But I have to keep reminding myself that his situation is not mine. i can very well imagine being there, but the fact is that I am not. Your wife really needs to come clean and disclose everything about her life without protecting you further. You have no shot at healing if you keep finding incriminating stuff. I was there too. these little bits of information are very easy to run with and imagine any number of nasty scenarios. My wife and I are a year past the end of her affair; and coming up on a year since D-day. ya know what? Things are okay here. Oh yes, i still have bad days.... after reading TMW's wife's posts, i wanted to spend the entire lunch hour grilling my wife....I did not. I did tell her about his story however. One common thread throughout TMW's, Owl's, yours, and my story is that the affairs of our wives had nothing to do with us. This is something that I truly hope you can embrace as it will give you alot of peace. We simply were only a muzzy consideration when our wives decided to begin their illicit affairs. They all caved because of something they each lack, not because of something that we lack. Accepting that truth will allow you to begin to return to yourself and the person you are. By all means, you deserve the whole truth. Be prepared to recieve it in small bits for a couple of months; your wife is trying to protect you from her bad decisions. Further, as I was, you are on the edge of walking altogether. She knows this fact well. She is afraid of the straw that will break the Camel's back. Make it safe for her to confess everything to you, and she will do so in time....mine did. Chin up flea, it's a long ass road! -D
Barby Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 decided to begin their illicit affairs. They all caved because of something they each lack, not because of something that we lack. This is so true and D&C very very good point! It is something the cheater lacks NOT the cheated on. This is something that the "OW" on this board (well some of them) tend to not want to understand...I guess it makes the person participating in the affair feel less guilty about it. By blaming the "cheated on" for not taking care of their "responsibilities at home" but the above is sooooooooo true!
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 only1life, great post, thank you. I am going to copy it and email it to my wife, as she doesnt know WHAT to say to me at this point, its either total silence or hysteria. Sorry to hear that Flea...I DO hope that she really reads what only1life wrote and sees what she needs to do. Thumbs wrote an incredible reply on this thread today, go read it if you haven't already. I think it should be called the awakening as he just has found an inner peace and love. All the best to you Flea.
Author fleafly Posted March 9, 2005 Author Posted March 9, 2005 WWIU, I read thumbs post today, I really dont know how he does it, but I am so happy for him none the less. Its going on the two month mark for me, and nothing I try can or will erase this pain and anger that I am feeling. The MC thing is not working for me, any book I pick up I cannot relate to(except for Dazed) and to be honest I am just trying to move on with my life at this point. I told my MC yesterday, after all of the **** I have been through, with my injury, fighting that out in court for three years, going to school, finally getting my life back in order, then to have this happen to me, well I just dont have any fight left in me, to be honest. i have found out some more details from the OM wife in the last few days that lead me to believe that my wife isnt ready or willing to let go of OM, such as gifts that he gave her that she was unwilling to let go of, including a ring that he bought her. This was something that just "slipped her mind". She tells me that she has not contacted him, but I dont believe that, either. I have also started seeing other people in the mean time, as a way to try and erase this from my mind as well as trying to see if thats what I want. Who knows what the future will bring to me, only time will tell.
li'l bunny Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Fleafly, I don't want to tell you what to do and this is just MHO but I think it's a bad idea to start seeing other people. If you have decided to try and work on your marriage then that is what you should do. If you start to see other people you could be drawn away from the focus of your marriage. Also it might be another hurt to add to your long list. I think there is more than one person out there for us and if you are truly finished with your marriage then fine, go look but not while you're going through such a rough time. You could get involved with someone for all the wrong reasons. I think you need to ask your wife what she really wants. If she wants to be with you tell her to get rid of anything that reminds her of OM and to give your marriage the attention it deserves and needs. Otherwise if she's not willing to do this I think you both need to start accepting this and moving things along so you can start your grieving process. I really really hope you can work this out because I think marriages CAN be stronger once you get through this.
sylviaguardian Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Originally posted by DazednConfused Hey Flea! Tmw's situation is tearing me up as well. But I have to keep reminding myself that his situation is not mine. i can very well imagine being there, but the fact is that I am not. Your wife really needs to come clean and disclose everything about her life without protecting you further. You have no shot at healing if you keep finding incriminating stuff. I was there too. these little bits of information are very easy to run with and imagine any number of nasty scenarios. My wife and I are a year past the end of her affair; and coming up on a year since D-day. ya know what? Things are okay here. Oh yes, i still have bad days.... after reading TMW's wife's posts, i wanted to spend the entire lunch hour grilling my wife....I did not. I did tell her about his story however. One common thread throughout TMW's, Owl's, yours, and my story is that the affairs of our wives had nothing to do with us. This is something that I truly hope you can embrace as it will give you alot of peace. We simply were only a muzzy consideration when our wives decided to begin their illicit affairs. They all caved because of something they each lack, not because of something that we lack. Accepting that truth will allow you to begin to return to yourself and the person you are. By all means, you deserve the whole truth. Be prepared to recieve it in small bits for a couple of months; your wife is trying to protect you from her bad decisions. Further, as I was, you are on the edge of walking altogether. She knows this fact well. She is afraid of the straw that will break the Camel's back. Make it safe for her to confess everything to you, and she will do so in time....mine did. Chin up flea, it's a long ass road! -D Dazed, I wish I had seen this post sooner....
Ladyjane14 Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Originally posted by li'l bunny Fleafly, I don't want to tell you what to do and this is just MHO but I think it's a bad idea to start seeing other people. If you have decided to try and work on your marriage then that is what you should do. If you start to see other people you could be drawn away from the focus of your marriage. I agree with this, Flea. Revenge affairs will just compound your problems. If you're done, and you truly want a divorce....get one. Divorce is easy enough in this country. You'll never be able to repair the marriage by dragging even MORE people into it.
Author fleafly Posted March 10, 2005 Author Posted March 10, 2005 bunny, i know what yopu are trying to say, but i dont know what to say! I HAVE asked my wife what she wanted, she tells me she wants me, but her actions speak otherwise. Isnt it kind of strange that I have to go to the OM's wife to find out the truth?? I made it very clear to my wife that i was going to see other people during this time, its not like i was doing it behind her back. Not to mention the fact that i have been with my wife since i was 17 years old, i have never been on my own my whole adult life, and it was almost as is natural instinct took over. Then add in the fact that my wife has done nothing but lie to me since this first came out- that didnt/doesnt make things easier for me. I dont like the person my wife has become, to be completely honest. The biggest mistake I made was asking about and getting the details of what they did with each other, I guess my wife suddenly decided that having unprotected sex in hotels and cars in the middle of the day, it makes me think of her in a totally different way, I cant believe this is the person I married! I also talked to my MC about me seeing other people, and he told me that this is a very normal reaction for a man that has been cheated on, that most men want to go out and sleep with someone as an act of revenge. I dont think that this was the case with me. I was looking for someone to talk to, to get my mind off of things. Its funny, but last nite this lady and I were talking on the phone and shes telling me that her bosses wife thinks that her and her boss are having an affair, and shes asking me for advice, I didnt know if I was going to laugh or cry. I could not even imagine how my wife could do something like this to me and our children, especially in the manner and length of time that it went on for. I imagined what kind of person would start sleeping with someone and then bring her family around him passing him off as just a friend, knowing all along.
li'l bunny Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Fleafly, I understand completely that you would want to go out and seek comfort somewhere, either emotional or physical but at this time you are vulnerable and you could fall too deeply for someone. Or someone could fall for you out of pity. Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between loving someone and pitying them and you don't want to end up in another bad relationship. I say bad relationship because, I'm sorry, but that's what it sounds like. You wife obviously doesn't want to stop seeing this OM. Or if she does she is too addicted to him to stop. I assume your MC didn't advise you to run out and sleep with other women? That would not be good. I mean, okay if you did want to have non-committal sex with somone you might say what's the harm? But in reality nothing is that simple and at a time when you're so emotional it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Also, you don't want to hurt your children more than they're hurting already. It sounds like you're trying to hurt your wife by telling her you're going to see other people, either that or scare the hell outta her. Do you think maybe she's seeing that as a rejection of her and is sending her even further over to the OM? Flea, do you want to stay with your wife? You say you don't like the person your wife has become so maybe it is time to cut your losses and get out? Only if you're very sure. It hurts me even to say it and I really feel for you. Wish I could do something for you.
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