do dumpers stop to think about the effect their breadcrumb may have on you?

[Ordinaryday]

To answer the originally posed question and as I have come to find out....no, no they do not. Yesterday was both my birthday and college graduation...been 6 weeks since BU & NC (except for when she "relieve my guilt for all our mutual friends thinking Im cruel" breadcrumbed me a couple weeks ago).

 

So I get a hollow, generic, "Im so excited for you and feel so lucky to have shared in this with you and you should be so proud of all the success coming to you, etc"....

 

...Which pissed me off...NOT because I didnt hear "what everyone wants to hear" but because absolutely no forethought went into what essentially was, "I cut you out of my life, still try to save face by inserting myself into YOUR friends (and the ones that are now mutually OURS) lives, you were great to me just don't exist anymore...but here have some empty words!"

 

Which Im sure she feels weren't empty...but that's what they are to me. The fact she "feels lucky"...well must've not have felt too lucky as she decided "poof, you don't exist". If she does feel lucky, I'd hate to see her indifferent. Hahaha.

 

Anyways, the silver lining is I immediately didn't recognize the #. Removed her but didn't block her. So when I received a paragraph that seemingly could've been from an aunt, former co-worker, friend I hadn't seen in a while I had honestly replied with, "Thanks! Who is this btw? I dont have the #." ....then recognized it as I got a "Ha. Well that makes me sad."

 

Anyways, no, now in my experience...absolutely no thought went into "I'll contact him on a very special day to him, just to send some generic empty words to him, so he knows I exist and "care" (heavy quotation marks)."

 

It put me in a bad mood temporarily as originally she would've have been there to celebrate this milestone with me...but I got over it. Still it screams, "daft" to me. When you walk away from someone...you better be ready to mean it.

 

yeah what you got is the same kind of breadcrumb I have gotten before, it serves no purpose but to ease their guilt. I got one saying "I will always treasure the time I have spent with you blah blah blah" and it pissed me off cos all I could think was "well you obviously dont treasure it TOO MUCH since you were fine with dumping me and cutting me out of your life!".

 

no respect. and I have even said to dumpers "PLEASE dont contact me unless it is about reconciling" and they tell me they will respect my wishes... and then they STILL BREADCRUMB ME and when I get pissed at them, suddenly I am the 'bad guy'.

 

unreal!

[Always Pondering]

To OP's question,

 

No I do not think they are aware of the effects of their breadcrumbs but I've never had an ex intentionally throw a breadcrumb with the purpose of hurting me. From the exes I've had where they threw breadcrumbs, I am fairly confident they didn't stop to think about the effects it had but at the same time I know they didn't want to purposely wound me with them.

[Ordinaryday]

To OP's question,

 

No I do not think they are aware of the effects of their breadcrumbs but I've never had an ex intentionally throw a breadcrumb with the purpose of hurting me. From the exes I've had where they threw breadcrumbs, I am fairly confident they didn't stop to think about the effects it had but at the same time I know they didn't want to purposely wound me with them.

 

so it is not a case of being malicious, just being blindly ignorant of anyone else's mental state other than their own, and not even stopping for one second to consider what effect it might have on the dumpee, pure ignorance.

 

that is almost as bad as being malicious.

[STM206]

so it is not a case of being malicious, just being blindly ignorant of anyone else's mental state other than their own, and not even stopping for one second to consider what effect it might have on the dumpee, pure ignorance.

 

that is almost as bad as being malicious.

 

Perhaps because they've already done their greiving of the relationship they're sincerely not aware of how much rejection hurts.

 

Example being that from what I know of my ex, he had never been dumped before. So when you don't know the pain that comes with bein rejected you may honestly be oblivious to what the dumpee is going through.

[Natsume21]

Aren't we taught right and wrong as a little kid?

 

I don't recall you actually having to "feel anything" towards someone when you push a kid down and cause a scrape. What do you do? You either 1. Help them up and apologize. 2. Run off and try to hide. The first one is what you would perceive as right, and the other is wrong, which is why you're hiding to avoid punishment. You don't need to feel the person's feelings to know what's right or wrong.

 

A person who breaks up with another in a dishonest way KNOWS full well what they are doing. Saying that they "mourned" the relationship beforehand, in my eyes, is no excuse. It's not "mourning" it's basically throwing it away like an old toy and searching for it's replacement. When a loved one dies, months after their death we still feel a closeness with them, cause we generally cared about them and are sad they are gone. Most immature dumpers are not of that sort. Btw, just so we're clear, this post happened because dumpers ARE immature. If dumpers were amicable and honest, we wouldn't need loveshack.

 

When they find that new toy, they run off, and because they know what they did wasn't right, instead of being honest. They come up with various excuses to justify it. (See "I'm not in love with you. We're just too different. I want to look for a career. Anything other than "I found someone else. So im done with you" which is usually the truth) You wouldn't need to justify anything if it was the right thing to do. The reason why they don't seem to feel anything is because THEY don't. It wasn't a mourning. It's like a new toy. They get bored, start shopping around, and if 'they do feel any remorse, it's usually the fact that they know that most dumpees won't accept it and they won't get it both ways.

 

Just ask my ex. When I called her out on this cheating, all she cared about was that I would just shut up about it. Her sorries were fabricated more just to shut me up, not an actual apology.

 

Right or wrong are shown by ACTIONS, not feelings. You know what the right thing is in any situation. Acting wrong, you should expect consequences, regardless of the reasons.

 

And that's just the way it is. Of course, for most women who can just move on to the next one with ease, the value of most men don't matter to them if it can be disposed of like a doll.

 

--Natsume21

[STM206]

Aren't we taught right and wrong as a little kid?

 

I don't recall you actually having to "feel anything" towards someone when you push a kid down and cause a scrape. What do you do? You either 1. Help them up and apologize. 2. Run off and try to hide. The first one is what you would perceive as right, and the other is wrong, which is why you're hiding to avoid punishment. You don't need to feel the person's feelings to know what's right or wrong.

 

A person who breaks up with another in a dishonest way KNOWS full well what they are doing. Saying that they "mourned" the relationship beforehand, in my eyes, is no excuse. It's not "mourning" it's basically throwing it away like an old toy and searching for it's replacement. When a loved one dies, months after their death we still feel a closeness with them, cause we generally cared about them and are sad they are gone. Most immature dumpers are not of that sort. Btw, just so we're clear, this post happened because dumpers ARE immature. If dumpers were amicable and honest, we wouldn't need loveshack.

 

When they find that new toy, they run off, and because they know what they did wasn't right, instead of being honest. They come up with various excuses to justify it. (See "I'm not in love with you. We're just too different. I want to look for a career. Anything other than "I found someone else. So im done with you" which is usually the truth) You wouldn't need to justify anything if it was the right thing to do. The reason why they don't seem to feel anything is because THEY don't. It wasn't a mourning. It's like a new toy. They get bored, start shopping around, and if 'they do feel any remorse, it's usually the fact that they know that most dumpees won't accept it and they won't get it both ways.

 

Just ask my ex. When I called her out on this cheating, all she cared about was that I would just shut up about it. Her sorries were fabricated more just to shut me up, not an actual apology.

 

Right or wrong are shown by ACTIONS, not feelings. You know what the right thing is in any situation. Acting wrong, you should expect consequences, regardless of the reasons.

 

And that's just the way it is. Of course, for most women who can just move on to the next one with ease, the value of most men don't matter to them if it can be disposed of like a doll.

 

--Natsume21

 

You put up a very good case. I can't argue with that.

[David87]

I just read all posts on this thread and I think that your break up(s) is(are) still fresh. I appreciate both my ex's, I care for them and I'm glad I had the opportunity to be with such wonderful girls( beautiful, smart, caring, good girlfriends) and despite the fact that they hurt me very bad all I can say is that who ever will end up marrying them will be a lucky son of a gun

 

I'm not sure which one I loved the most but I don't think it matters because they will always be with me im my heart for the rest of my living days.( of curese they don't need to know all this )

Edited May 5, 2014 by David87

[SciFiWriter]

My response to someone of the people here who have said it is about 'making peace' and catching up with the dumpee because you 'still care' about them, my response is: nah!

 

It is all or nothing. If you 'care' about them then you should have cared enough about them to try your hardest to save your relationship. When you dumped em you gave up on them, that is the complete opposite of 'caring' about someone.

 

Agree. I suspect the 'making peace' is more about making peace with themselves. If a dumpee wants to contact you then they will. If they're not all that interested in 'catching up' or with what you are up to then take the hint!

[rec88]

Sure they think about it, but they don't understand where you're at. So they make a decision based on that lack of understanding, which is often the wrong decision. Good intentions, bad decision.

 

The problem I've run into is when they won't believe that their great intentions don't mean anything to me. The way you made me feel is not up for debate. Own your actions and stop making excuses.

 

To be clear, this does not only apply to romantic relationships.

[Ordinaryday]

This I don't get. Dating / Relationship are not a marriage and till death due you part. The dumpers came to the conclusion that my life is better without you in it.

 

Our Exes had no moral obligation to remain in a relationship with us. The dumper has no moral obligation to forgo their own happiness, desires, goals, etc. and remain with us because the dumpee does not feel the same way. Dating / Relationships by its very nature is nonobligatory, that's what dating / relationships are.

 

I also think dumpees are just as if not more selfish than what they accuse the dumper of being. The dumpee believes the dumper should be with them. The dumpee believes the dumper wants them and the reason they do not see / understand that is because the dumper gave up, didn't fight for them, etc.

 

The dumpee believes the dumper can't be happy or knows what they want or knows what is best them and the dumpee decides what that is. As far as the dumper is concerned, they "fought" for you / the relationship during the relationship. They came to conclusion they no longer are in love with you, like you, want to be with you, want to be in a relationship with you, etc.

 

Why is a dumper selfish / evil for thinking / deciding the above but the dumpee is not selfish / evil when they think / decide what the dumper should think / feel / do and what is right or wrong?

 

Why is the dumper selfish / evil for not wanting to be with you and in a relationship with you anymore but the dumpee is not selfish / evil for thinking the dumper is "married" and should be "forced" to remain with a dumpee?

 

Why is a dumper selfish / evil for ending the relationship but the dumpee is not selfish / evil for thinking they should grant the dumper approval / permission (deciding the relationship should end)?

 

Our Exes decided we are not that person they want to be with. That is not EVIL and it's NEVER wrong. How they go about letting us know that and breaking up is where a lot of dumpers make bad decisions and choices.

 

Regardless, when the smoke clears they still did the best / right thing by letting us go. Both the dumper and dumpee deserve to find and be with someone who wants us.

 

as I have said many times I RESPECT and acknowledge the dumpers right to terminate the relationship, if they dont want to be with you they dont have to, and I respect that.

 

what I DONT RESPECT is then barging back into your life six months or however long later with a breadcrumb designed only to ease their conscience, and then they will go straight back to ignoring you.

 

I have said to my dumpers "please leave me alone to heal. I respect your decision to break up with me, so please respect mine and leave me alone. I ask that you dont contact me unless that contact is about reconciliation" and they ALL say "ok I will respect your wishes"

 

and despite that some (to be fair, not all) of them HAVE STILL breadcrumbed me six months or so later, despite me making clear to them that I DONT WANT TO BE CONTACTED BY THEM unless it is about reconciling.

 

So I have no 'respect' for a dumper who does that

[Natsume21]

I have never asked someone out, dated them, been in a relationship with the goal that we end up friends. For me, "all or nothing" is usually how I am.

 

There have been a few exes who have reached out months / years / even a decade later. They were not seeking to hurt me nor were they after a friendship. They were just "catching up" and seeing how our lives turned out since we both knew each others dreams, goal, passions, desires, etc. In all of those cases where an Ex has reached out it was good to hear from them and catch up. I was genuinely happy for them. No big deal.

 

 

 

This I don't get. Dating / Relationship are not a marriage and till death due you part. The dumpers came to the conclusion that my life is better without you in it.

 

Our Exes had no moral obligation to remain in a relationship with us. The dumper has no moral obligation to forgo their own happiness, desires, goals, etc. and remain with us because the dumpee does not feel the same way. Dating / Relationships by its very nature is nonobligatory, that's what dating / relationships are.

 

I also think dumpees are just as if not more selfish than what they accuse the dumper of being. The dumpee believes the dumper should be with them. The dumpee believes the dumper wants them and the reason they do not see / understand that is because the dumper gave up, didn't fight for them, etc.

 

The dumpee believes the dumper can't be happy or knows what they want or knows what is best them and the dumpee decides what that is. As far as the dumper is concerned, they "fought" for you / the relationship during the relationship. They came to conclusion they no longer are in love with you, like you, want to be with you, want to be in a relationship with you, etc.

 

Why is a dumper selfish / evil for thinking / deciding the above but the dumpee is not selfish / evil when they think / decide what the dumper should think / feel / do and what is right or wrong?

 

Why is the dumper selfish / evil for not wanting to be with you and in a relationship with you anymore but the dumpee is not selfish / evil for thinking the dumper is "married" and should be "forced" to remain with a dumpee?

 

Why is a dumper selfish / evil for ending the relationship but the dumpee is not selfish / evil for thinking they should grant the dumper approval / permission (deciding the relationship should end)?

 

Our Exes decided we are not that person they want to be with. That is not EVIL and it's NEVER wrong. How they go about letting us know that and breaking up is where a lot of dumpers make bad decisions and choices.

 

Regardless, when the smoke clears they still did the best / right thing by letting us go. Both the dumper and dumpee deserve to find and be with someone who wants us.

 

Agree. Agree. Agree a thousand times over. But I have to add something.

 

I always treated my relationships like friendships. Breakups suck, PERIOD, but in the case of my ex, we had a previous talk that if she ever wanted to quit the relationship and pursue someone else, to be honest with me, tell me, so we can go our separate ways. Why? Cause that's what friends do: they are fair and just with each other, amid imperfections. I would never make someone stay with me if they didn't want to.

 

However, I was told that everything was fine and that she was in love with me, though the signs she gave me showed the complete opposite.

 

I was cheated on for weeks, maybe months, being used for security and friendship while being denied physical and romantic aspects due to excuses made by my ex that she was too tired, wasn't ready, was stressed out.

 

You seem to ignore the fact that breakups do happen, but not all of them were on a good note.

 

You say that it's fair that at one point, they decided they didn't want to be with us, and you're right on that. So tell me, you think it's fair for a woman to use a man's money, or his time, devotion and talents while she's lying to his face, making up excuses, and degrading him to justify the fact that she wants someone else but doesn't want to leave her security blanket till the green light is on? Or a man who cheats on a woman but keeps her around cause she's loyal and useful? I don't think so.

 

Most breakup sucks cause the people that break up with us show such a dark side that we realize...oh crap this person is no longer our friend, and that's the most painful realization of all: that you have to say goodbye to someone you don't want to not because of the break-up, but the realization of a side of them that isn't healthy for any relationship or friendship.

 

I have more respect for exes who just drifted apart and decided to call it off for the sake of themselves, then dumpers who lie and cheat to cake-eat, which is the case.

 

I told my ex that I wouldn't keep her against her will, and to tell me the truth, cause we were friends more than lovers. All I got was lied and used, and I bet that's most of the cases here with people on this forum.

 

Most of the time, relationships don't last. And each of us have had friends who hurt us and did the same. That's why they are no longer friends.

 

And that's why I'm sad over the whole affair: cause not only did I lose a girlfriend, I had to lose a trusted friend cause of the dishonesty.

 

Regardless, as dumpees you have to accept this and move on, but the painful part of it all is knowing that the image they had in their heads was shattered and that the chapter in that life is closed.

 

All good things must come to an end.

 

We just wished it ended on better notes.

 

--Natsume21

[STM206]

Agree. Agree. Agree a thousand times over. But I have to add something.

 

I always treated my relationships like friendships. Breakups suck, PERIOD, but in the case of my ex, we had a previous talk that if she ever wanted to quit the relationship and pursue someone else, to be honest with me, tell me, so we can go our separate ways. Why? Cause that's what friends do: they are fair and just with each other, amid imperfections. I would never make someone stay with me if they didn't want to.

 

However, I was told that everything was fine and that she was in love with me, though the signs she gave me showed the complete opposite.

 

I was cheated on for weeks, maybe months, being used for security and friendship while being denied physical and romantic aspects due to excuses made by my ex that she was too tired, wasn't ready, was stressed out.

 

You seem to ignore the fact that breakups do happen, but not all of them were on a good note.

 

You say that it's fair that at one point, they decided they didn't want to be with us, and you're right on that. So tell me, you think it's fair for a woman to use a man's money, or his time, devotion and talents while she's lying to his face, making up excuses, and degrading him to justify the fact that she wants someone else but doesn't want to leave her security blanket till the green light is on? Or a man who cheats on a woman but keeps her around cause she's loyal and useful? I don't think so.

 

Most breakup sucks cause the people that break up with us show such a dark side that we realize...oh crap this person is no longer our friend, and that's the most painful realization of all: that you have to say goodbye to someone you don't want to not because of the break-up, but the realization of a side of them that isn't healthy for any relationship or friendship.

 

I have more respect for exes who just drifted apart and decided to call it off for the sake of themselves, then dumpers who lie and cheat to cake-eat, which is the case.

 

I told my ex that I wouldn't keep her against her will, and to tell me the truth, cause we were friends more than lovers. All I got was lied and used, and I bet that's most of the cases here with people on this forum.

 

Most of the time, relationships don't last. And each of us have had friends who hurt us and did the same. That's why they are no longer friends.

 

And that's why I'm sad over the whole affair: cause not only did I lose a girlfriend, I had to lose a trusted friend cause of the dishonesty.

 

Regardless, as dumpees you have to accept this and move on, but the painful part of it all is knowing that the image they had in their heads was shattered and that the chapter in that life is closed.

 

All good things must come to an end.

 

We just wished it ended on better notes.

 

--Natsume21

 

That's where the problem comes in. "I don't want to be with you, sorry" (stings like a bitch) only to find out they hopped into another relationship weeks later (a smack across the face, punch in the chest and kick you when you're down).

[crederer]

Yeah they do. My grandmother passed away a few months after an ex and I broke up. I let her know (she had cancer and my ex asked me at one point to keep her informed). So ex shows up at the funeral and broke down saying she misses me, thought about contacting me everyday and hasn't tried at all because she knows it was hard on me and just wanted me to be able to move on.

 

So yeah, some people realize it.

[Ordinaryday]

Yeah they do. My grandmother passed away a few months after an ex and I broke up. I let her know (she had cancer and my ex asked me at one point to keep her informed). So ex shows up at the funeral and broke down saying she misses me, thought about contacting me everyday and hasn't tried at all because she knows it was hard on me and just wanted me to be able to move on.

 

So yeah, some people realize it.

 

and yet despite all that... she STILL didn't want you back???

 

words are words, unless they back them up with real actions, they are meaningless.

[hotpotato]

they totally can, and frequently are, as MANY people on this board report. it is a form of passive-aggressive behaviour on the dumpers part. they may feel bitter or hurt about your relationship and want to rub it in your face about how GREAT their life is going since they dumped you.

 

but they know if they send you a text saying "my life is so much better without you you jerk" you will just ignore it or hate them more, so they do it in a sneakier way.

 

they will send you something like "Hey! How are you? How have you been? I just want to let you know I have been doing fine since we broke up and harbour no illwill towards you. I am seeing a new guy at the moment and he is great, so you dont need to feel guilty about hurting me. Hope you are doing WONDERFULLY! all the best. your ex".

 

this is quite common. even though the EXACT WORDING of their message is 'technically' polite and not rude, it is clear that they are trying to rub it in how great they are doing without you, THEY WANT TO HURT YOU.

 

A text like this requires no response.

 

Exactly.

I dont even think they always consciously realize what they are doing.

My ex (who suddently dumped me for another woman) finally admitted after years later that he was mad at me.

They probably say they are angry about one thing, but they are really upset about something else.

It can take years because they are dating around and not examining their own feelings. They are wrapped in dating this person, that person, with their jobs, etc. They are often in a state of HYPERACTIVITY.

 

If they were really in touch with their feelings, they wouldn't be so passive aggressive anyway...

 

They may also try to hurt you via fb. They may run off with someone who is obviously not their type and claim they are so happy, the new person is so wonderful, blah blah blah. This is really obvious if your ex wasn't vocal about relationship with you or previous loves, but they are very open about how this new person is sooo perfect.

[Michelle ma Belle]

First, thank you for the mature response. But I have to agree and disagree with you.

 

Only because women like you, who happen to be in their 20s, aren't what you described as yourself. If what you are saying is true, then kudos for being honest and amicable. First of all, I haven't been in my twenties in about twenty years...I'm speaking from the point of view of a 45 year woman.

 

Truth is, though, that's a very rare exception.

 

Suffice it to say, I do believe that dumpers do care somewhat for the person they dumped, but the fact still remains...most dumpers who have affected most posters on here were dumped BECAUSE of someone else coming into the picture. There are always problems within the relationship, but what can you say to a dumper giving you breadcrumbs after you find out that they lied and cheated and left you for someone else?

 

It's going to be seen as manipulation. I mean think about it, why weren't any problems addressed till someone else came into the picture? Why was this not a problem when he or she wasn't in the picture. It's selfish thinking. Hardly any relationship is left on amicable terms, so forgive me if I sense a hint of doubt in your words, but regardless, innocent till proven guilty.

 

How you leave the relationship will reflect well on how you're perceived if you as the dumper decide to reach out to said dumpee. Would you greet a criminal happily if they stabbed you in the back without warning? Or murdered one of your children, or deliberately caused you physical or emotional harm? Cheating isn't a mistake. It's a choice, a bad choice. A choice made for selfish gain at the expense of someone's emotional health. That's why it's call breadcrumbs? It's throwing out pieces of food after you unwittingly took away the whole meal for yourself or for someone else who, according to the dumpee, wasn't aware of was in the picture.

 

If my ex, for instance, threw me "breadcrumbs" I wouldn't respond. I gave her months to confess she was in love with her co-worker, and she constantly lied while using me for security. I found out from him and her co-workers he was cheating, and when caught, all she said was "things change"

 

I don't know about you, but that is in my book, an ******* move.

 

Some people have to view the dumper as bad people. That doesn't mean they are all bad or the ones that were are currently, but once you burn a bridge, building a new one is never the same, and sometimes not worth the time and effort.

 

Better to leave it in the past, especially if the dumper wrongfully hurt them being liars and cheater.

 

I have no issue with anything you just said and agree. I was speaking more from my own experiences. I haven't been in a relationship where either party cheated or had someone waiting in the wings so I am be a bit biased regarding the acceptance of breadcrumbs. I'm fairly certain that if that had been my experience I wouldn't have been quite so positive.[/b]

 

With that being said, that doesn't excuse the dumpee from their problems in said relationship. They have their own set of flaws, but it's up to them to fix it to be better off for the next relationship. But they are not, in any way, at fault for the WAY the relationship ended, unless they are abusive, mean, vindictive, or evil. Dumpers sometimes paint them that picture to justify why they fell in love with someone else when the real reason is that they wanted to date someone else for the excitement and thrill.

 

Most dumpers I've known don't give a damn whether or not they hurt their dumpee, cause why should they? They got what they wanted, right? They have no remorse. Any other interaction is to ease their guilt.

 

If who you are is true, then thank you for being honest with others and yourself out of respect for humankind. But to those who lie and cheat to get what they want at the expense of emotional pain.

 

I have no reason to lie or be untruthful but at the same time I do realize that many of my posts that brag clarity and promote forgiveness comes from the perspective of an older woman who's had some experiences and plenty of good therapy

 

Screw you. Save the breadcrumbs for the pigeons.

 

--Natsume21

 

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