Forgivness

[livingnightmare]

I have another on going thread at the moment which is in the second chances section that I am trying to work through and as I have it has brought me here.

 

Part of coping is forgiveness eventually right? I have told my ex I have forgiven her and mean it and will not go back on it, but there are still issues in my mind I want to deal with to make sure I mean it and put it behind. Does anyone have any tips on how to embrace this forgiveness, really feel it and let go of hurt?

 

I have also realized I have never tried to forgive myself even the thought of it as I guess I have lived in some sort of denial of the part I played. How do I forgive myself for the things I done and feel guilt for?

 

I feel giving forgivness is the hardest thing to do and mean and is maybe the last stage in coping and fully healing? It is the only thing I have not been willing to try full heartedly till now, I feel maybe true forgivness is the key.

 

There is a possibility of reconciliation with my ex, but I feel I'm still stuck in the coping stage and I feel true forgivness is what is missing, how do I completely forgive.

[learning_slowly]

It might not be fully possible to forgive. You just have to understand that we can all make mistakes and does anybody go into a relationship setting out to hurt the other person? Ok there's a few exceptions such as serial killers etc.

 

Whether you tried your best or not, you can forgive yourself , as I'm sure at the time, you did what you thought was right. With hindsight, you may be able to see how you could have done more. So accept that and use that in your next relationship. But forgive your past as a learning opportunity. You'll probably get things wrong again, but hopefully they won't be for the same reasons. And with every relationship, it takes 2 to work at it & so if both of you are not trying, sometimes it can still be impossible.

 

I forgive my ex, I almost don't forgive for hanging around so long! If either of us had tried to sort it out, we would have either sorted it out or split far earlier.

However, she still said things to me e.g. "That I didn't really care about her", that I disagree with and want to at least moan about. And once I do and I see her point, then I can forgive.

 

But really I should be able to forgive without seeing her point of view.

It's just tough at times to see people that once loved us, treat us with dismissal.

[livingnightmare]

It might not be fully possible to forgive. You just have to understand that we can all make mistakes and does anybody go into a relationship setting out to hurt the other person? Ok there's a few exceptions such as serial killers etc.

 

Whether you tried your best or not, you can forgive yourself , as I'm sure at the time, you did what you thought was right. With hindsight, you may be able to see how you could have done more. So accept that and use that in your next relationship. But forgive your past as a learning opportunity. You'll probably get things wrong again, but hopefully they won't be for the same reasons. And with every relationship, it takes 2 to work at it & so if both of you are not trying, sometimes it can still be impossible.

 

I forgive my ex, I almost don't forgive for hanging around so long! If either of us had tried to sort it out, we would have either sorted it out or split far earlier.

However, she still said things to me e.g. "That I didn't really care about her", that I disagree with and want to at least moan about. And once I do and I see her point, then I can forgive.

 

But really I should be able to forgive without seeing her point of view.

It's just tough at times to see people that once loved us, treat us with dismissal.

 

I really want to forgive fully, even if we dont ever reconcile, we will always be in each others lifes one way or the other as we have a child together, so I feel I must forgive 1)For myself 2)For a chance at reconciliation as she has apologized deeply for the hurt she caused. and 3) So our daughter can see us get on, so we can do things together for her.... I have been unable to do this so far and have had family as a go between.

 

Your right at the time I really though I was doing right, that the obstacles I was facing justified my responces to them, but I see now they didn't, they were more destructive as they kept the cycle going and made it worse when I should have stayed calm and gave her time to think about what she was doing and come to her senses, trouble was I made that impossible as I wronged her back to a point that we both lost track on what the arguements would be over, and using past wrongs on each other that we never dealt with, only trying to get one up on each other and get to each other using every problem we ever had as a weapon. For the first time I see my part in this. I feel we fell apart through lack of communication. We both wanted the same thing, but we went about it very wrong.

 

Its those little things she said that I would like to work on if reconciliation does happen, as they do play over in my mind, but I want us to reach a place where we can both discuss it without insulting and hurting each other. And I feel that is through true forgivness.

 

It is very tough to see that and feel responsible, helpless as they walk out of your life forever taking all your hopes and dreams with you. I really feel forgiving is the key to inner peace and fully moving on, my quest now is to find it fully, not to forget what happened, but to remove the pain I've carried for over 5 years that suffocates me. I need this to move on and for any chance of reconciliation by moving on and not having bagage when we are in contact, maybe I could rekindle that spark I know is still there, but I need to move past this.

[FredJones80]

Your right at the time I really though I was doing right, that the obstacles I was facing justified my responces to them, but I see now they didn't, they

 

I'm guess you were quite young when all this happened? Perhaps immaturity played a large role in that getting one up manship?

[livingnightmare]

I'm guess you were quite young when all this happened? Perhaps immaturity played a large role in that getting one up manship?

 

 

I was very immature relationship wise and in many other aspects of my life, I was brought up in a fairly rough area where it is dog eats dog and I took that into the relationship with me out of immaturity when it came to argueing. We were both immature.

 

I was 24 she was 16, I didnt find out her real age untill a while after and was caught up in it all with her being my first girlfriend. She cheated in the first few weeks she came from an abusive home, was raped and "rescued" by the guy she cheated with, he was much older, gave her a place to stay and she slept with him from the pressure he was putting on her and the vunerable position she was in, didnt know if I was for real and didnt know what to do, she left the house to live in a hostel straight away because of it.

 

I found out 3 years later after we had a child, the break up happened 2 years after that, when she left me and had a rebound straight away and in an arguement she told me and rubbed it in my face with the most hurtfull experience I have ever faced in my life, this absolutely damaged me to the core of my being, mentally, physically, emotionally to my soul, and I still feel to this day. This is where I need to find full forgiveness for myself to let it go.

 

She says she never meant it and was clouded at the time from the never ending arguements day in day out near the end, says she was confused, blinded, couldnt see that she loved me egged on by her friends and slutty cousin who had started to influence her. Says it was a big mistake having the rebound and saying those words to me, said she was cruel and evil and wasnt really trying to compare me and him, says she was just so unhappy at the time with "Us" and consumed with the ghosts of her childhood and coped badly with the whole situation and became destructive to herself and everyone around her.

 

We were both very immature I guess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Im

[rec88]

Maybe you're misunderstanding what it is to forgive. I look at it like this. Forgiveness does not make the hurt others have caused you ok. It does not mean that they can now shed responsibility for their actions and the effect they had on others. That is still theirs to own.

 

What it does mean is that you no longer allow it to ruin your happiness. It's not a debt that you hold against them.

 

This isn't something you can fake, nor is it something you need to inform them of. Forgiveness is for you and your own happiness. I have forgiven my ex. She however still feels a lot of guilt, and it makes the mutual respect required for a friendship impossible. That is not my problem or my responsibility to fix.

 

I disagree with learning_slowly that it may not be fully possible to forgive. Forgiveness does not equal trust. You can let go of pain without putting yourself in a position to experience it again. If you cannot trust someone again no matter how much you want to, then it may be time to let them go from your life for good. For both your sanity.

 

I hope you can find some peace in this.

[Itspointless]

Part of coping is forgiveness eventually right?

I amazes me so many people think this is true. This idea is a Christian heritage. It is admirable if you can truly forgive. Coping has to do with accepting that a situation is as it is and being able t move on from that. How would you be able to move on from everything if you have to forgive everyone for for everything they did to you? I can accept that she broke up with me and that there is no sense in wanting to reconcile: it just wont happen. Can I forgive her, at this point, no not entirely, she has hurt me consciously and took the easy way out. I hope I can forgive her for that some time, but I am not a saint. Do I understand her, yes for a large part because I see she has problems and is not perfect either.

[learning_slowly]

I disagree with learning_slowly that it may not be fully possible to forgive.

 

By this I mean, some people can't let go of the hate.

 

I think thats not the way to be as bitterness will make your pain last longer and not affect their lives, unless you become a stalker

 

And its not always easy to forgive. It takes a change of mentality. When you're young this maybe seen as giving in, especially by men. But with reflection , you'll see its the best thing for you.

[livingnightmare]

Maybe you're misunderstanding what it is to forgive. I look at it like this. Forgiveness does not make the hurt others have caused you ok. It does not mean that they can now shed responsibility for their actions and the effect they had on others. That is still theirs to own.

 

What it does mean is that you no longer allow it to ruin your happiness. It's not a debt that you hold against them.

 

This isn't something you can fake, nor is it something you need to inform them of. Forgiveness is for you and your own happiness. I have forgiven my ex. She however still feels a lot of guilt, and it makes the mutual respect required for a friendship impossible. That is not my problem or my responsibility to fix.

 

I disagree with learning_slowly that it may not be fully possible to forgive. Forgiveness does not equal trust. You can let go of pain without putting yourself in a position to experience it again. If you cannot trust someone again no matter how much you want to, then it may be time to let them go from your life for good. For both your sanity.

 

I hope you can find some peace in this.

 

I see that as well, I don't wish to make it right in my mind what she done and what I done I just want to be able to not take my forgiveness back somewhere down the line, I want to be able to do this as everything I read on forgiveness says it really does help the person forgiving.

 

I have felt like I am owed a "debt" for what she done and when I think of this "debt" it plays deeply on me in a negative way.

 

I still hurt, it had gone away at times, but the recent contact has brought it out again, I'm to exhausted and drained to fight in my mind any more over been wronged as I realize what I am fighting in my mind continuously when it rears up is a battle I can't win in, I can not change a thing no matter what my struggle in my head is, maybe this will stop if I can truly forgive, I say I have, I hope its not fake, it feels real, but I can't say it is full forgiveness, I read its a start just practicing it and saying it, then it grows.

 

I was asked for forgiveness and I gave it to her as a starting point. I just have to never throw things at her again, and work on it I guess for me. It has consumed me the blame and wanting revenge, some sort of justice, I don't want to go through this any more it really is torture of the mind and painful I really want to get beyond this If it ever works out or not in the future. I somehow feel If I can forgive fully I will let go of the pain as I think I hang onto the pain by not forgiving.

 

Thanks for the hope in finding inner peace, that is my ultimate quest right now if we reconcile or not.

[livingnightmare]

I amazes me so many people think this is true. This idea is a Christian heritage. It is admirable if you can truly forgive. Coping has to do with accepting that a situation is as it is and being able t move on from that. How would you be able to move on from everything if you have to forgive everyone for for everything they did to you? I can accept that she broke up with me and that there is no sense in wanting to reconcile: it just wont happen. Can I forgive her, at this point, no not entirely, she has hurt me consciously and took the easy way out. I hope I can forgive her for that some time, but I am not a saint. Do I understand her, yes for a large part because I see she has problems and is not perfect either.

 

I hear what you are saying, I guess I have coped be it badly at times and I have accepted the situation, but it still brought me back to blaming and wanting to hold her accountable, I feel this forgiveness is so I can let go of what can not be changed, I feel holding a grudge is self destructive to my mind. I have lived with much bitterness, anger and need for revenge/justice for long periods of time, I don't want this anymore, I can not get it, its only hurting me and deeply. The recent contact with my ex has shown me this.

[livingnightmare]

By this I mean, some people can't let go of the hate.

 

I think thats not the way to be as bitterness will make your pain last longer and not affect their lives, unless you become a stalker

 

And its not always easy to forgive. It takes a change of mentality. When you're young this maybe seen as giving in, especially by men. But with reflection , you'll see its the best thing for you.

 

I really feel this point about the bitterness, I have held on to it for far to long and it really has made me hold onto pain allot longer than I should without inflicting any on the person it was meant to be against.

 

It really isn't easy I have said it before to her and took it back, I really hope I can mean it this time for my own well being.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've been here.

 

I think forgiveness IS possible but forgetting is much harder. I also think that what you're seeking is more about making peace with the past and learning how to live on happy and healthy.

 

Forgiveness takes time. Time to reflect and grieve and heal and it does work particularly if you have the attitude that you WANT to forgive and make peace and move on. Adopting that mentality already makes you ahead of the game in my opinion.

 

Once you come to the place where you think you can forgive or make peace with the past (both hers and yours), you CAN'T take it back nor can you throw it in her face over and over again when you find yourself triggered by something. That's not fair not to mention VERY immature and only proves that you aren't ready. You either forgive or you don't, there is no in between.

 

For me, having had the opportunity to sit down with my ex-husband and talk about what went wrong really, REALLY helped in finding closure for both of us. Of course this was done AFTER we had a grieving period and gave each other the time and space to do that. It helped that we BOTH wanted to come to a place where we could be friends or at least be civil to one another because we too had a beautiful child to co-parent.

 

And we did just that. We talked about it ALL. We even cried and shared things we didn't even share in couple's therapy. We both took responsibility for the parts we played in the break up and most importantly we apologized to each other. This act alone was monumental on so many levels and it became the foundation for one of the best friendships I've had with someone I really care about.

 

I fully realize this isn't the norm and certainly isn't possible for most couples who break-up but as someone already said, forgiving the other person is about YOU, not them. If you want it, you can have it but be gentle with yourself in the meantime. There isn't a guaranteed time frame for when forgiveness kicks in so relax. Remain steadfast in your resolve and always open. It will come

Edited May 2, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[livingnightmare]

I've been here.

 

I think forgiveness IS possible but forgetting is much harder. I also think that what you're seeking is more about making peace with the past and learning how to live on happy and healthy.

 

Forgiveness takes time. Time to reflect and grieve and heal and it does work particularly if you have the attitude that you WANT to forgive and make peace and move on. Adopting that mentality already makes you ahead of the game in my opinion.

 

Once you come to the place where you think you can forgive or make peace with the past (both hers and yours), you CAN'T take it back nor can you throw it in her face over and over again when you find yourself triggered by something. That's not fair not to mention VERY immature and only proves that you aren't ready. You either forgive or you don't, there is no in between.

 

For me, having had the opportunity to sit down with my ex-husband and talk about what went wrong really, REALLY helped in finding closure for both of us. Of course this was done AFTER we had a grieving period and gave each other the time and space to do that. It helped that we BOTH wanted to come to a place where we could be friends or at least be civil to one another because we too had a beautiful child to co-parent.

 

And we did just that. We talked about it ALL. We even cried and shared things we didn't even share in couple's therapy. We both took responsibility for the parts we played in the break up and most importantly we apologized to each other. This act alone was monumental on so many levels and it became the foundation for one of the best friendships I've had with someone I really care about.

 

I fully realize this isn't the norm and certainly isn't possible for most couples who break-up but as someone already said, forgiving the other person is about YOU, not them. If you want it, you can have it but be gentle with yourself in the meantime. There isn't a guaranteed time frame for when forgiveness kicks in so relax. Remain steadfast in your resolve and always open. It will come

 

I do find it hard to forgive as my mind goes back to how cruelly she told me about her immediate rebound, but I must stick to my word for me and hope it grows on me, forgetting seems impossible though how I stand right now.

 

It is Peace I long for the most to be honest, I know if I could find it mental health and happiness will automatically follow.

 

Over 5 years since the break up and 2 years of hell before that and a year of purgatory before that, relentlessly to some degree. I'm warn down in many ways and it has effected my quality of life in every way considerably. I feel I must adopt that mentality now as I've tried everything else, what can I loose? Ive spent a long time trying everything else and I do feel more ready to forgive than ever before now I'm starting to understand this will help me regardless of if we reconcile or not.

 

I would love to be in that position where I can not take the forgiveness back if I tried, I have done this in the past along time ago, but I was fooling myself and not ready or really willing to forgive, I'm going to stick to it this time no matter what as I have a better understanding on what forgiveness is and I am feeling and open to this and why more than ever.

 

If things don't work out with the ex, in the long term I would like to be friends with her if just for my daughters sake, but I can not be just friends with her the way things stand now. Deep down I would love to have a fully open and honest chat, even if I don't like the answers so I could get some closure on many things that I think of. That must have been a great experience to be able to talk in such a way after everything and just care for the other person nothing more.

 

I can understand how that is possible even if not the norm, it would be nice to think If I manage to let go fully that could happen. I do want to forgive truly and fully for many reasons, but I will try to remember this from now on that it is for me and my benefit and it can and will happen fully if I embrace it.

 

I enjoyed reading your post, thank you.

[lil hoodlum]

I think that forgiveness means "to let it go."

 

You are right, it's not allways easy to do, especially if a partner keeps repeating the same behaviour.

 

If you are both able to see the mistakes that you made and can understand how you would handle the situation in the future differently, than it is easier to let the "past" wrongs go.

 

Neither you nor your ex were perfect. You both make mistakes. You understand now what happened and why. Maybe now the two of you can move forward from the past and let it go.

[Tayla]

you will forgive when you gain a healthy sense of empathy. It can't be forced.

 

When I walked a mile in someones shoes or endured that hardship of harm...I became less "judgmental" about the circumstance or the person and came out going...yes I accept the fact of that behavior and forgive as I know it wasnt the best solution at the time. We put ourselves and that person/event into a new perspective.

 

True forgiveness doesnt carry any negotiations...it accepts flaws and all.

[livingnightmare]

I think that forgiveness means "to let it go."

 

You are right, it's not allways easy to do, especially if a partner keeps repeating the same behaviour.

 

If you are both able to see the mistakes that you made and can understand how you would handle the situation in the future differently, than it is easier to let the "past" wrongs go.

 

Neither you nor your ex were perfect. You both make mistakes. You understand now what happened and why. Maybe now the two of you can move forward from the past and let it go.

 

I can see all the mistake I made very clearly now and why, I know I will take the lessons I learned very seriously in the future and never go down that path again.

 

We were far from it, very dysfunctional when I look back, I would say for the most part out of immaturity. Hopefully we can let go, I feel it is only me that is having problems letting go though and once I do we can at least never argue or hurt each other again no matter what the outcome.

[livingnightmare]

you will forgive when you gain a healthy sense of empathy. It can't be forced.

 

When I walked a mile in someones shoes or endured that hardship of harm...I became less "judgmental" about the circumstance or the person and came out going...yes I accept the fact of that behavior and forgive as I know it wasnt the best solution at the time. We put ourselves and that person/event into a new perspective.

 

True forgiveness doesnt carry any negotiations...it accepts flaws and all.

 

I think I am getting there, I visualized my exs life from being abused to now, it was a big insight Its helped me understand more.

 

I hope I get to that place where I hold no grudges and just accept I can't fight change a thing, just accept forgive and move on.

[Itspointless]

I hear what you are saying, I guess I have coped be it badly at times and I have accepted the situation, but it still brought me back to blaming and wanting to hold her accountable, I feel this forgiveness is so I can let go of what can not be changed, I feel holding a grudge is self destructive to my mind. I have lived with much bitterness, anger and need for revenge/justice for long periods of time, I don't want this anymore, I can not get it, its only hurting me and deeply. The recent contact with my ex has shown me this.

I read up on your situation, it is a hard one and I really feel sorry that you have to endure all of that. Perhaps you can adopt something that sometimes works for me in the long run.

 

In the 90's one of my parents died due to an severe illness, As I was living at home I blamed myself for all the things I had not done or not said. I failed to see that I only focused on the negatives and not at my capabilities at that time. At a sudden point I realized that at that time I did everything I could, we were all stressed and really exhausted. I realized my best wasn't the best that I would have liked to see, but it was. You wrote about her dysfunctional behaviour, you can adopt the perspective that with that she was doing was she was capable of at that time. Accepting that this was her best does not mean that her actions did not hurt you. But perhaps you can forgive her for the fact that this was her utmost (consciously and unconsciously). Often times we look at free will as if we are capable of everything we would like to do and forget all the social constraints and dysfunctional psychological aspects that hold us back.

[livingnightmare]

I tried to picture the beatings and cruelty from the age of 5, how she must have felt from the sexual abuse in her pre and young teens from her father, being kicked out her mothers home and being raped at the age of 16 twice, having someone pretending to help her and while vulnerable trapping her making her feel obliged to have sex with him, cheating on me feeling confused about me in her life, her realizing what we meant to each other what she had done by cheating, not being able to tell me as she didn't want to loose me. resentment and anger in her self, guilt.

 

After telling me 3 years later and a child together, being open with me (letting the truth out in drabs and miss truths scared of the consequences and what it means to our relationship) followed up by me being abusive, looking at her like dirt and a slut, telling her this, constantly bringing it up for over 2 years when we argued badly, she couldn't see us anymore from the pain and hurt of the arguments, the pain of dealing with her past consuming her, hurt and pain from everywhere, just feeling misery, trapped in an endless cycle of arguments and mistreatment of each other, choosing to and following through with ending it all, it all as it seemed to broke to be fixed, realizing our daughter is seeing to much animosity, the happiness had gone, blaming herself for breaking me down into what I had become an angry, abusive, confused, depressed, sad, weak, lacking in ambition broken man, a completely different man, unrecognizable from the mean she new, loved and adored, still dealing with her childhood through this the whole time.

 

Through all the ugliness we had seen she met someone, anyone, he made her feel wanted, desirable attractive again, no headache, no arguments an escape from it all, a far cry from what we had just been through. Feeling it was to late for us and also at her young age wanting to know what else was out there, influenced by her friends slept with him, me in the background texting not knowing a thing but feeling things are not right saying I know somethings up and verbally abusing her, once again backing up everything she now knows she has turned me into, tells me about it comparing me, realizing she had made a mistake for herself and blaming me for putting her in this mess took it out on me.

 

Afterwards realizing she can never undo, what she has done and the cruel things she said and can never be took back, realizing she did love me but was blinded by so much hurt in her life and confused by her own actions and mine spitting on her and slapping her after telling me that night in a very hurtful way that she justified at the time, backing her thoughts up of me again.

 

Time goes by and she sees it without the anger disgusted in herself, hurting as she really knows what she has lost, and how I was not the only abusive one in the relationship blaming herself and realizing, turning to god for help and dealing with her past finds it and finds her path, she has no choice but to let go whilst I am backing this up by drunk abusive texts, constantly telling her she is a slut with every contact. Telling her I'm ashamed to have a child with her, she is dirt, how much I hate her. Finalizing any thought or hope in her head that anything could ever be fixed and giving up full hope on the dreams of a home family and life together.

 

I know I have painted myself in a terrible light there and it was terrible, I have my version of how I seen it in my earlier threads when I first joined and I suffered from allot of abuse, egg shell walking and allot of very hurtful words and comments from her throughout the relationship which I allowed to turn me into someone who is not who I am at my core being in anyway, but what I realize now is if ever faced trying times again in the future if I ever have another relationship again , I will never get abusive again no matter what wrong or abuse was hurled at me, I will simply give them space to realize what they have done, and not go down a path that I came worse out of for having so much anger in me. I fully forgave her for the cheating as I believe the circumstances in this matter when so young are unique, any other type of cheating incident I would never accept with anyone again and walk.

 

Bit of a ramble there but visualizing this kind of puts a different spin on it in my mind, that there were two sides to the story many presumptions by us both and most of all lack of real communication just how we felt and acted as we went through these things. I found that therapeutic writing it out.

 

Having recent contact with her, all though opening old wounds and slight hope on my part, has enabled her to talk about the past a little and me actually listening to her side of things and not getting mad, it does fit in with the scenario above and I do believe it what she has told me, I have filled the rest in, but I feel that is close to the truth, If I am true to myself near the end I was thinking of other women and feeling tempted because of the stress and lack of caring for each other anymore, it probably would have been just a matter of time until the opportunity arose and I cheated on her or split with her but she made a move first and me loosing all sense of control lost the plot, what you can't have and all that.

 

It still hurts tremendously when I think about it hard, but I feel a change for the better at the moment.

[livingnightmare]

I read up on your situation, it is a hard one and I really feel sorry that you have to endure all of that. Perhaps you can adopt something that sometimes works for me in the long run.

 

In the 90's one of my parents died due to an severe illness, As I was living at home I blamed myself for all the things I had not done or not said. I failed to see that I only focused on the negatives and not at my capabilities at that time. At a sudden point I realized that at that time I did everything I could, we were all stressed and really exhausted. I realized my best wasn't the best that I would have liked to see, but it was. You wrote about her dysfunctional behaviour, you can adopt the perspective that with that she was doing was she was capable of at that time. Accepting that this was her best does not mean that her actions did not hurt you. But perhaps you can forgive her for the fact that this was her utmost (consciously and unconsciously). Often times we look at free will as if we are capable of everything we would like to do and forget all the social constraints and dysfunctional psychological aspects that hold us back.

 

Thank you, I think I am moving along to that point of view be it slowly and not easy, we both thought what we was doing was right at the time and what you say is true, she was just doing what she thought was right to get through it and with all the things that had happened in her life she was struggling. Amazing what hindsight does. I really hope this is a new chapter of letting go of the past, I do feel hopeful today.

[Itspointless]

I found that therapeutic writing it out. [...]

It still hurts tremendously when I think about it hard, but I feel a change for the better at the moment.

I do not write as quick as you as this is not my first language Anyway, it is good you can write about this the way you do. Feeling hopeful is good, a positive energy. And give yourself time, you do not have to build Rome in a few days or months. Loving someone can be hard work, for that people do not have to be together.

[livingnightmare]

I do not write as quick as you as this is not my first language Anyway, it is good you can write about this the way you do. Feeling hopeful is good, a positive energy. And give yourself time, you do not have to build Rome in a few days or months. Loving someone can be hard work, for that people do not have to be together.

 

You probably write better than me lol You are right I just need to realize this that it takes time and I can't force it over night, but I feel I know what I must do at the moment, wish I had realized this before, Ive held onto anger hurt and revenge far to long, theres no point to it anymore unless I want to suffer.

[L1ght]

Forgiveness is overrated. I think dumpees often feel the need to reach out and forgive their ex's just as an excuse to actually reach out. At this stage screw forgiveness. What's the point? The best way to heal is to totally leave them behind and not feel anything towards them....forgiveness can come at a time when you couldn't care less any more. Don't give them the satisfaction of letting them know that you still care because the potential for a backwards step when they don't reciprocate your actions is too great.

Move on and don't look back.

[livingnightmare]

Forgiveness is overrated. I think dumpees often feel the need to reach out and forgive their ex's just as an excuse to actually reach out. At this stage screw forgiveness. What's the point? The best way to heal is to totally leave them behind and not feel anything towards them....forgiveness can come at a time when you couldn't care less any more. Don't give them the satisfaction of letting them know that you still care because the potential for a backwards step when they don't reciprocate your actions is too great.

Move on and don't look back.

 

I guess if she hadn't reached out to me to apologize I wouldn't have been thinking of forgiveness yet, I think I have harboured hope deep down that she would come back begging for forgiveness, and somehow go through great deeds to prove how sorry she is and her contacting me has caught me off guard somewhat.

 

I've been on a backward slide because of this contact, but the last 2 days I feel I'm springing back to normal quickly again. I was out all last evening till late and had a few beers and my situation never crossed my mind once.

 

I guess Ive rushed my forgiveness from happening naturally, but I feel Ive made a good choice in the right direction, and even though I have been given hope of reconciliation, I am letting that go and just keeping things v low contact to do with our daughter. I was moving on leaps and bounds since the beginning of the year, but not looking back is becoming my greater option again now, and to be honest even though I'm sticking to my forgiveness, I wish she hadnt have contacted me yet and getting back on the NC band wagon is clearly the best way to do this. Then hopefully the forgiveness will set in stone and I harbor no more grudges and maybe finally I can fully move on.

[livingnightmare]

Just here for a therapeutic ramble. Had the anger feeling rear up in me this evening, so forgiving is definitely not easy, but I managed to take my mind on to other thoughts before I let them grow and torture myself and go back on the forgiveness, I feel much better for it. Having contact with her recently has opened a few wounds up even after all this time.

 

A few days ago I was hurting a bit, it has died down massively and seems to be being replaced by slight anger, It feels like I'm fast tracking back to normal and I'm feeling positive about it, its like I have a lot more control over this situation than ever before.

 

I'm going to do this healing process again and do it properly this time starting from today, I feel I'm nearly there if I could just improve a few things in my life, then hopefully I will only be here to start threads in the self improvement section and pop in to the coping/break up section to be an example to everyone going through a break up of what not to do lol and repay this great place with all the help its given me down the years, I know I would be in a very dark place now if it wasn't for here, and I'm very grateful.