JZH Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Started dating a guy about 6 or so weeks ago. We became exclusive last week. Things are going well between us, but there's just one thing that's bugging me. He keeps going on about how great this woman he knows is. Probably wouldn't bother me too much, but he sees her every day as they work in the same building. At first I thought he just got on with her in a friendly way. I saw a picture of her, and she is attractive, but it didn't bother me. But the other day he started banging on about how great she is again and then said "yeah she's great. She's really good looking too!". What? Why would you say that to someone you're dating? I think it's one of two things. 1- He likes her so much he can't stop talking about her, not even to me 2- He's trying to make me jealous. Which one? Thanks
Poppygoodwill Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Are you exclusive? Have you had The Chat? If not, then you can't really bust him on it because you're not his gf yet. However, you can take it as a sign that he might not be the most sensitive person if he doesn't understand why that might get on your nerves. Or he might not be taking your relationship terribly seriously if he's not apparently bothered about giving you the wrong impression about how much or little he likes you. A person that talks about someone else without considering how that impacts on the person they're dating, probably doesn't care enough about the feelings of that person. sorry to say.
Author JZH Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Are you exclusive? Have you had The Chat? If not, then you can't really bust him on it because you're not his gf yet. However, you can take it as a sign that he might not be the most sensitive person if he doesn't understand why that might get on your nerves. Or he might not be taking your relationship terribly seriously if he's not apparently bothered about giving you the wrong impression about how much or little he likes you. A person that talks about someone else without considering how that impacts on the person they're dating, probably doesn't care enough about the feelings of that person. sorry to say. Thanks for the input. Yeah, we're exclusive as of last week.
saltyfishhead666 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Thanks for the input. Yeah, we're exclusive as of last week. Then you should tell him as hot and bloody fantastic as his coworker is... You don't want to hear about it. 2
Author JZH Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Then you should tell him as hot and bloody fantastic as his coworker is... You don't want to hear about it. Yeah, probably should. Think I just thought that if he is trying to make me jealous, I'm not going to rise to it.
Poppygoodwill Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 If you're only just exclusive, and he has been single a while, then maybe he just needs a little bit of reminder that his behaviour needs to adjust here and there when he has a gf. I would give him teh benefit of the doubt. Tell him how you feel and give him a chance to improve the situation. If he doesn't, then he's probably just insensitive about something that's important to you and you might find you're not a good match that way. 1
Author JZH Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 If you're only just exclusive, and he has been single a while, then maybe he just needs a little bit of reminder that his behaviour needs to adjust here and there when he has a gf. I would give him teh benefit of the doubt. Tell him how you feel and give him a chance to improve the situation. If he doesn't, then he's probably just insensitive about something that's important to you and you might find you're not a good match that way. Yeah, think I will give him the benefit of the doubt... for now. If he mentions her again, I'll say something. I was fine with him telling me she's great in other ways, but to then come out and tell me how attractive she is too just feels a bit disrespectful. Am a bit worried about sounding jealous is a weird way though :/
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 There is a difference between being/sounding jealous and establishing boundaries. What you are doing is verbalizing what is and is not acceptable to you in an exclusive relationship. Maybe he did that with his last girlfriend and she did not care.....but it's different with you and you should tell him in a calm way. I am an adept of sarcasm so if I heard something like that I would probably tell him if she is THAT great maybe he should date her...........That should get the message across. 4
Versacehottie Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 To be honest, it's probably both. He is probably trying to make you jealous. Some people get off on gauging the level of your interest in them through provoking jealousy or drama like this. At the same time from what you said, he is not just making up some random person and it sounds like his interest in her is real. By real, i don't know if he would ever act on it, but he sounds intrigued. A lot of guys get intrigued even by girls they don't necessarily WANT to date. But if she is attractive, they are excited to be in her circle even if she is not girlfriend material. For example, playboy mansion parties. A lot of guys don't want those bunnies as girlfriends but they still want to go to the party and brag that they spoke to miss november. Funny reference but I think you get it. Use caution as you proceed with this guy and keep your eyes open. In my experience, if they are trying to get you jealous, don't say anything, ignore it and it will usually go away. Change subject, be a little cold--like "you are an idiot" attitude but don't say anything and they can't affect you. then they realize and no longer do it. If anything was really going on with her, he would be hiding that anyway and not talking about it. So highly doubt anything is going on now but he may be intrigued by her. Stay cautious
melodymatters Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 (edited) I'm with Gaeta ! It has nothing to do with jealousy as much as setting boundaries and most of all RESPECT ! I can tell a funny fishing story WITHOUT mentioning that it happened with my ex. That is being respectful. I would probably go with the joking thing too: next time he goes on about her I would laugh and say " Gee, are you sure you wouldn't rather be going out to dinner with "suzie" ? in a very lighthearted manner. If he has an ounce of class, he will realize his mistake and kind of apologize. " Oh, no, it's nothing like THAT, I'm sorry' and act a bit sheepish. If he DOES seem to get angry or defensive, he's either likely a jerk, doesn't really care about your feelings, or BOTH. Edited May 2, 2014 by melodymatters spelling
GemmaUK Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Insecure men do this kind of stuff in the early stages to get a reaction. It's happened twice to me. I thought it was amusing...still find it amusing tbh. later behaviour from their insecurity wasn't though. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 That's just weird. I have some really close and fantastic male friends and at times I've told my new boyfriend how awesome they are and why they're such great people, but not once have I ever brought up their physical appearances :\ to me, the fact he 'keeps going on' about her AND has brought up that she's 'really good looking' would be enough to set my spidey sense off tingling and make me rethink whether this guy was actually just using me while he waited for his co-worker.
Author JZH Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Thanks for the replies! Whatever the reason, I'm just not really sure where to go from here. I've seen him a couple of times since and he hasn't mentioned her. Which is good... but it also means that I can't challenge what he's already said. This is in my head now and it's making me feel insecure. I can't just bring it up again out of nowhere. So now I guess I'm going to have to put up with it or stop dating him. I do really like him, so I'm not sure what to do
thecrucible Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 I like to play them at their own game by starting to talk about hot guys I like...give them a taste of their own medicine. But yeah I like Gaeta's idea - try the sarcasm thing. Then he should get the message.
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Thanks for the replies! Whatever the reason, I'm just not really sure where to go from here. I've seen him a couple of times since and he hasn't mentioned her. Which is good... but it also means that I can't challenge what he's already said. This is in my head now and it's making me feel insecure. I can't just bring it up again out of nowhere. So now I guess I'm going to have to put up with it or stop dating him. I do really like him, so I'm not sure what to do Give him the benefit of the doubt till next time. If he does it again then nip it in the butt right there and then. You are just starting to date him, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes at the beginning. The important is to catch ourselves and to correct it. Maybe he did. 1
Hopeful30 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Does it really matter? Whether he likes her or he's trying to make you jealous, that sounds like a really immature person and I wouldn't deal with it regardless why he was doing it. 1
Author JZH Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Does it really matter? Whether he likes her or he's trying to make you jealous, that sounds like a really immature person and I wouldn't deal with it regardless why he was doing it. From an outside view, I'd probably say the same thing. Guess it's different when you've already started having feelings for someone and then they act like this.
FitChick Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 There is no guarantee she finds him attractive. I'd suggest having lunch with your boyfriend -- "She sounds like fun. Why don't we have lunch together and you can introduce her. I want to meet all of your friends." 2
Hopeful30 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 From an outside view, I'd probably say the same thing. Guess it's different when you've already started having feelings for someone and then they act like this. I understand, but your feelings for him won't change his actions, nor will they dictate his future action, so they aren't something that's really worth considering when you're trying to weight whether or not to stay in a relationship. You know what I mean?
Recommended Posts