element42 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Here's my situation: I've told some substantial lies to a girl I've inadvertently become involved with online. This relationship did not begin on a dating website; it began on a music site, strictly due to our mutual interest in certain bands. Neither of us ever had any intentions of it evolving into something serious. She thinks I have a career and live in my own place. I've been unemployed for years and still live at home. I've also lead her to believe that I'm sexually experienced, which couldn't be further from the truth. I've never even had a girlfriend before. Obviously the only reason I told her these lies is due to the tremendous amount of embarrassment I feel, given my age of 27. I know that if I continue down this path, it will inevitably blow up in my face. So the way I see it, I face one of two options: A. Confess everything. This will almost certainly ruin what we have, and that's fine, I deserve that. But I'm more worried about her, which leads me to option B... B. Distance myself from her. Either way, I probably doomed our relationship from the moment I started lying. Losing her will suck, but I don't care about myself in this. I simply don't want to hurt her. My fear is if she learns the truth, after the trust she's instilled in me, a person she cares deeply about on an intimate level, it could damage her future relationships (not to mention make her feel angry and betrayed). The last thing I want is for her to have trust issues with other men because of my dishonesty. So what do I do? Telling the truth is almost always better than lying, but if I can slowly dissolve our relationship without hurting her, I feel as though that might be a better option.
MidwestUSA Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Confess. If you simply distance yourself, you lose her anyway. With confessing, you stand a chance. What if she's not been completely honest about who she is either? (Yea, I've been catching up on some recorded Catfish episodes). Maybe she'd still accept you as a friend 'as is', maybe not. If the latter, you've learned your lesson. 5
Poppygoodwill Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 (edited) I admire you for facing your situation and being determined to do something about it. I always take the position that distancing yourself from someone without explanation is really quite cruel. It spares you the hard task of facing her anger and hurt, but it leaves her wondering what on earth went wrong and feeling betrayed and self-doubting. Better to tell her something - anything - to explain your departure. I agree that confessing the extent of your lies will likely hurt her and make her feel you have lead her on and in that way, victimized her. Honestly is an excellent policy, but remember whose feelings we are trying to spare here. I suspect your honestly would only make her feel worse. What about a third way? Disappoint her, but without really hurting her. Because you say there's no intention to make it something serious on either person's part (though how can you be sure she isn't secretly hoping something comes of it?) then clearly you are not exclusive or in a relatinship in the conventional sense. I think you are free to say you have met someone else. Tell her that you have met someone really special who lives in your town and it hasn't gone anywhere yet, but you'd like to pursue it and want to be upfront with her. (not having done anythign yet is important; don't let her think you've 'cheated' on her). So although you value the friendship of your online friend, you just don't see it going anywhere and so you're going to opt to revert to "just friends" status so that you can pursue a relatioship with this new woman. YOu want to do it with a clear conscience, you tell her, and so you think it's best to be clear. Of course this is incredibly ironic, but we're making teh best of a bad situation here Edited May 2, 2014 by Poppygoodwill 1
HappyLove Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 After all you've done already can't you for once just be honest?! Tell her you are embarrassed and the reason you're coming clean with her is because you respect and care for her. MAN UP ALREADY! Fading on her is something a low life coward does. And don't make up any other stories, you've done enough of that. Let HER decide if she wants anything to do with you. Be honest you're not fading on her to do her a favor, you're doing yourself a favor by just running away from your problems. If you really care for this person you'd start treating her with the respect she deserves. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 If I was in her situation, I would MUCH rather a guy told me the truth. Fading and seeming loss of interest would hurt much more. If I knew about the lies, I would feel a bit embarassed maybe but not hurt....I would just think "what a loser, phew I really dodged a bullet there". If you truly want to hurt her less, confess. I can gurantee that any feelings she had will dissapear. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 After all you've done already can't you for once just be honest?! Tell her you are embarrassed and the reason you're coming clean with her is because you respect and care for her. MAN UP ALREADY! Fading on her is something a low life coward does. And don't make up any other stories, you've done enough of that. Let HER decide if she wants anything to do with you. Be honest you're not fading on her to do her a favor, you're doing yourself a favor by just running away from your problems. If you really care for this person you'd start treating her with the respect she deserves. I'm with HappyLove on this one. Although I admire you for recognizing what you've done and wanting to do something about it, I still think you need to take full responsibility for your actions and be straight with her if that's what you want. Period. There is no way around it or sugar-coating it or taking a short cut. The damage is done. The only mature and respectful thing to do is to fall on your sword and let HER decide what happens next.
KathyM Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 It's time to confess and apologize for not being honest with her. She will likely dump you, and so be it. Next time, consider that it's not fair to a person to waste their time and emotions on a lie. It's not fair to yourself either, because you will be wasting your time and emotions on a relationship that's doomed because it's based on a lie. Sooner or later the truth will come out. Then you will have wasted all that time, energy and feelings on a relationship that had no hope of being sustained. 2
Els Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Do the right thing: Confess and apologize, then learn your lesson and move on. 1
InnocentMan Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Such pessimistic replies, when this is easily recoverable. Tell her you've lost your job, and you had to move back home temporarily. Assuming you haven't told her you're a doctor, or the prime minister, this is believable. She'll either dump you, or it wont bother her. At least then you've put the decision on her. You may have to build up to it, by saying you think you may lose your job soon etc. You can take solace in the fact that she has probably been less than 100% truthful also. Most people tell a few white lies when they meet online, but you did take the piss a little. Doing the slow fade, or telling her you met someone else will be way more hurtful.
Art_Critic Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 You tell her the truth, you accept your part in the lies and try to make amends for hurting her. If can go one of 3 ways... She will dump you for lying. She will be upset and after taking some time take you back into her life. or... When you tell her the truth she will admit that she was catfishing you as well, and will admit that she is living at home and unemployed too.. match made in heaven... 1
Art_Critic Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Such pessimistic replies, when this is easily recoverable. Tell her you've lost your job, and you had to move back home temporarily. So lie to her some more is the answer.. I hope you don't really live those types of rules. 3
InnocentMan Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 So lie to her some more is the answer.. I hope you don't really live those types of rules. The thread isn't about me, or what I would do. I wouldn't have got myself in this stupid situation to begin with. I'm only giving the OP a clear way out of the mess he has created. He wants to be "honest" about his situation without hurting this other person. I don't see a better way of doing it. Aside from that, taking morality advice from strangers on the internet isn't a productive way to lead your life. Truth is the cry of many, but the game of few.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 LOL! Of course that is what is going to happen. This guy doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell of recovering from this. This isn't something like he weighs 10 pounds more than he said or he is a couple of inches shorter. This is a total "catfish" situation. It would seem most people want the OP to face the consequences and take his beating. If I met someone online who I haven't met them in real life I assume half the crap they were telling me is bs. If I was the OP, I would just tell her I met someone else and go my marry way. No use in taking a beating and letting someone you have never met down gently. Big take away, stop lying about who / what you are. If you feel the need that you have to do that you need to address those. See, that's the problem. He lied again in his OP. He said his goal is to hurt her less. In reality his goal is to hurt HIMSELF less. 1
ktya Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Here's my situation: I've told some substantial lies to a girl I've inadvertently become involved with online. ... She thinks I have a career and live in my own place. I've been unemployed for years and still live at home. I've also lead her to believe that I'm sexually experienced, which couldn't be further from the truth. ... Telling the truth is almost always better than lying, but if I can slowly dissolve our relationship without hurting her, I feel as though that might be a better option. Get her email. Spell it out and dont butter it up just spell it out plainly and simply. Tell her you were just playing around and figured it would go nowhere and you doctored up your persona for kicks - but she has really grown on you and it's time to man up and tell the truth because you are realizing you have more feelings than to keep playing games. I speak from experience here on two fronts: 1. My former fiancee lied to me about her age. I met her in a dark arena rave party and when she asked if I knew how old she was I guessed 17. She said 18 and a month or so later she broke to me that she was 16 (I was 22). I found it somewhat adorable and figured I'd give it a go with kit gloves. I was with the girl for 9 years. We got engaged and had a long and very rewarding relationship. (I wont get into why we broke up its irrelevant to your OP) 2. I was with a BPD girl for about 6 months. She told me she worked for Border Services (basically border cop). Turned out she did work as a guard in a jail in the airport for CBSA but as a security guard contractor. I tried desperately to help her unwind the lie but she had to much pride and didn't and just kept taking it further and further. I eventually kicked her a** out of my house because I couldnt stand her throwing her oh so more important than my job in my face. Your rolling the dice. There are no certain outcomes. She may find it sweet that you came clean she may be enraged that you lied to her for so long. If you really like her it's your only chance to come clean. And for the record - learn your lesson bub. Dont go around misrepresenting yourself for kicks. It will only end up biting you in the a** later. Girls are pretty forgiving. I do a first date with a girl looking for a LTR, tell them that I am dating other people and that I just want to keep it casual and that I' not really looking for an LTR unless it just falls into place like magic. They still come home with me and have sex with me on the first date. It comes down to your personality my man, not the bells and whistles that go along with it. If a girl likes communicating with you and the way you treat her, she will forgive a lot of other extraneous stuff and her own "rules" to be with you. Dont lie and dont misrepresent.
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