kjohn Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 My BF and I have an ongoing problem. Quite often, when I ask him a question he assumes that it is because I am suspicious that he has done something wrong. He is very sensitive to being wrongly accused…his baggage from a previous relationship where that happened to him a lot. I am a naturally inquisitive person. I will admit that I probably ask too many questions. I know it used to annoy the heck out of my ex husband. He would be doing an odd job around the house and I would ask questions about why he was doing what he was doing or why he was doing it a certain way. Apparently, to a man that comes across as though I don't trust that he knows what he's doing. To me, I'm just genuinely curious and like to learn new things. So, quite often, when I ask my BF a question he jumps to the conclusion (usually wrongly) that I am suspicious of something and therefore he immediately gets very defensive. His overreaction to what I view as an innocent question in the course of normal conversation is what ends up making me suspicious because I think "why in the world would he be so defensive about a simple question." Then it turns into an argument. Since it was a problem in my marriage and now it is also a problem in my current relationship, I can only assume the problem is me not them. Maybe asking too many questions is just an annoying habit of mine that I should really work on changing? I know I can't change him. I can only change myself. But filtering myself and stopping myself from asking the questions that I am curious to know the answers to almost makes me feel like I am not at ease to just be myself. Should I just work on applying a filter and chalk it up to self-improvement?
angel.eyes Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 If his response stems from issues in his last relationship, then that's really his baggage to handle and address. You don't turn yourself into a different person and shut off key parts of your personality just because he has a dysfunctional reaction to innocuous questions. I'm incredibly inquisitive, and I ask everyone everything. I'm an extrovert. I take an interest in others and what they do. Most people are flattered by the attention, rather than becoming defensive and sensitive that I'm accusing them of XYZ. Honesty, authenticity, and being comfortable being who you truly are, are critical to developing a connection and intimacy with someone. These are at the core of any healthy relationship. If you find it necessary to hide aspects of yourself, do you think that you and your boyfriend are really compatible?
angel.eyes Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 ...So, quite often, when I ask my BF a question he jumps to the conclusion (usually wrongly) that I am suspicious of something and therefore he immediately gets very defensive. ... Since it was a problem in my marriage and now it is also a problem in my current relationship, I can only assume the problem is me not them. I guess it's possible you attract men with certain types of issues. Why would that be? Then again, it's possible this is random coincidence. N=2. Not much of a sample from which to draw definitive conclusions.
Author kjohn Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Thanks very much for your thoughts. I guess it's possible you attract men with certain types of issues. Why would that be? I didn't mean that I attract a certain type of man. In fact, my ex-husband and my BF could not be more opposite. To be clear, what I meant was that since both men have indicated annoyance with my questions I needed to consider the possibility that asking too many questions is an annoying habit of mine….so maybe it's me that has the bad habit and not them.
Priv Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Could be not so much the question but how you ask question, maybe you come off as: in your face, or know it all, or your tone is accusatory, or you just ask an inappropiate amount of questions which is irritating.
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Can you change the way you phrase the Qs you ask? Instead of saying why are you doing that? ask Can you teach me how to do that? What did you see that alerted you to the problem or the need for maintenance? I'd like to be able to flag stuff like that myself. That way you still learn but he shouldn't feel as attacked (not that you were attacking) 3
Frank2thepoint Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I know I can't change him. I can only change myself. But filtering myself and stopping myself from asking the questions that I am curious to know the answers to almost makes me feel like I am not at ease to just be myself. Should I just work on applying a filter and chalk it up to self-improvement? You don't turn yourself into a different person and shut off key parts of your personality just because he has a dysfunctional reaction to innocuous questions. I don't think you need to change your personality (asking questions), but you may need to adjust your personality (ask less questions or pertinent ones but in less volume). In addition, communicate with your boyfriend that you are not asking because you're suspicious, you are doing it because you are interested in what he is doing, because you want to be part of his life. It's best to communicate this outside of an argument. 1
iiiii Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I would just make some time to ask him how does he want to be asked about things, so he does not feel attacked? If you can find the phrase or ways of asking that make him feel more supported and less defensive, and use those, then you've done your bit. If he can't think of any way of you asking questions that won't upset him, then he has a problem. 1
spiderowl Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 I can't speak for the guys you know as I'm female anyway, but if I'm friends with a woman and she asks lots of questions, I start to find it intrusive and overbearing. There is a point at which curiosity seems to turn into watching your every move and monitoring. I suppose you could ask yourself whether, apart from curiosity, there isn't something in you that feels a bit insecure and wants to be part of everything the other person is interested in. I know there are some children who can ask lots of questions and pester. Usually this is a stage most children go through, but then some never stop and most people have limits to their patience. Try to see how your curiosity could get too much if your guy feels he can't do anything without you poking your nose in. People do need a feeling of space in which to potter and ponder. Maybe you are inadvertently intruding on that.
Speakingofwhich Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 Op, you might be my long lost twin! I, too, love to question people! I am fascinated by learning why people behave the way they do, what they are thinking and why. Etc.! Especially with my SO! Fortunately, I can kind of sense when my questioning gets borderline annoying so I'll either stop then (even though I don't want to) or preface my remarks with telling why I'm so curious. And how fascinating whatever they're talking about is. Right now my bf is a man who likes to talk about himself so we have great and long conversations and I have learned soooo much about him!
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