I finally broke up with my alcoholic drug abusing boyfriend of 4 years

[shamen]

Hi all, I'm happy to say that I finally ended my relationship with my ex (again). I broke up with him back in April last year (when I joined), but got back together with him in late September or so (when I stopped writing here). It was totally stupid. Wish I hadn't done it, but there it is. I was sad, depressed, and I missed him.

 

I got back together with him on the condition that there was no more drug use in his life except for pot. Admittedly, I'd prefer someone who didn't do drugs at all because I had lots of problems with them in my past, but that's another story. I was even willing to deal with the fact that he was still drinking, which he shouldn't even be doing. Another silly move.

 

Started seeing a counselor again to get back on track. To try to get out of it. I knew in my heart of hearts that he wasn't really any better than he'd been back in April. Moved out almost all of his stuff, even while we were going out again, back in October. He hasn't lived here since June.

 

So, of course he did drugs. Back in November or so, he did coke and took mushrooms. And that's just what I know of. New Year's is what ended it. He was annoying when he arrived, really hyper. Then we went out and he got wasted. Hey, it's New Year's, right? So I was willing to forget about that too. What did it was the fact that he did coke again that night. Then I found out four days later that he had been incredibly rude to one of my best friend's friends. That he had asked her why she was with her husband when she could be with him. This woman is married to an incredibly sweet, handsome guy and he has a PhD! My ex doesn't even has his GED.

 

It took me two weeks to work up the courage to tell him that it was over. And I haven't even seen my therapist since late December! Whoo hoo! I didn't call him at all (he works out of town for several weeks at a time, so I didn't see him at all) and he only called me a few times in the two weeks. Of course he doesn't remember saying that to her, but I really don't care.

 

I'm just glad it's finally over. Still keep finding random stuff of his in the apartment. Will get it to him eventually. This took me a long time to do. Almost a year to really end it, but I did it. At 35, it sucks to be single again, but I'll worry about that later...

[CoolAunt]

Good for you. It's better to be alone than to be in a relationship that makes you miserable. When you're alone, at least there's hope that you won't always be alone. In the meantime, you can spend your time doing things for you and not babysitting a drunk. When you're with someone and miserable, that's the best it's ever going to be as long as you're with them. There's no hope there.

 

Btw, I'd make a clean cut and not even bother with whatever he left behind; just trash the stuff. If it was that important to him, he'd have taken it when he left.

[shamen]

Originally posted by CoolAunt

When you're with someone and miserable, that's the best it's ever going to be as long as you're with them. There's no hope there.

 

No doubt about that! It's funny how I can see that now, but I couldn't at the time. I just kept thinking that it would get better. He swore he wanted a different life than he had, but he couldn't make any of the changes necessary. What was I thinking? That I could CHANGE him? Guess so. Duh me. (Well, for some people it does happen when it comes to alcohol and drug abuse.)

 

The "dealing with the stuff" part has got to happen as my cell is still under his name and so is the DSL bill. We have to be physically together for us to change the names. Like in the cellphone provider's store. Ugh. It'll happen. I've got to deal with it soon. Figure I might as well bring him the rest of his stuff if I have to see him. I've got no thoughts of getting back together with him this time, so it's finally about logistics. I can actually be rational about this now. Wasn't able to do so in September. Seeing the therapist has helped a lot.

[CoolAunt]

You do know that when those who abuse drugs and/or alcohol stop using it's because the user himself/herself wants to, right? No one else can change them. You didn't fail him or the relationship. Don't forget that.

 

Oh well...I suppose since you have to see him again to get the phone stuff taken care of, you may as well do the ethical and honorable thing and take his stupid things baclk to him.

[shamen]

Originally posted by CoolAunt

You do know that when those who abuse drugs and/or alcohol stop using it's because the user himself/herself wants to, right? No one else can change them. You didn't fail him or the relationship. Don't forget that.

 

Yeah, I do know that he has to want to do it. He talked a good game, that he wanted to stop. Sometimes it was that it was only happening once in a while (or so he said) or that he wasn't drinking so much (or so he said). So I stayed, kept thinking that I could help. I stopped using, all by myself. Moved to a whole new city get away from the people I knew and the drugs. I guess since I had stopped using years ago, I thought that I could find some ways to help him. Didn't work. Even with me having gone through the same thing.

[CoolAunt]

Congratulations, Shamen, on changing your life! And again, good for you! Girl, you've done too much for youself to stay with someone who won't do anything for himself. You've really had to work hard to accomplish all that you've accomplished. You should be very proud of yourself. A year from now, when you look back at your accomplishments, breaking up with alkie boy will be one more of the things that you'll be proud of yourself for. You rock!

 

Cool Aunt

[moimeme]

Yay, Shamen! Now, go write a long list of all the rotten things he ever did to you. Next time you start thinking of his good qualities, force yourself to reread the list. Our brains have a grand way of jettisoning reality to allow us to live in fuzzy pseudo happiness. He will, I am positive, swear many more times that he will change and he will not change that many more times plus one. It's unfortunate, but sometimes we have to put these folks into the hands of God and relinquish our desire to be the one who helps them get free of their issues.

 

The "dealing with the stuff" part has got to happen as my cell is still under his name and so is the DSL bill. We have to be physically together for us to change the names. Like in the cellphone provider's store.

 

Call the store and ask if you can arrange to sign the papers and leave them with them to give to him to sign. That's what I did in my last breakup. People will often accommodate you in situations like these.

 

Figure I might as well bring him the rest of his stuff if I have to see him.

 

Again, box them up and send them by courier or post. It won't cost that much and it will be worth it not to approach him again. We become as addicted to people as we do to other pleasurable substances. Like the drugs, the way to give up this addiction is to stay far away from it.

[shamen]

Thanks for the kudos CoolAunt and Moi! I must admit that having someone say, "Congratulations," and "Yay" feels really good. Weird, huh? Most of my friends say, "Oh thank god," or something along those lines.

 

Originally posted by moimeme

Yay, Shamen! Now, go write a long list of all the rotten things he ever did to you. Next time you start thinking of his good qualities, force yourself to reread the list. Our brains have a grand way of jettisoning reality to allow us to live in fuzzy pseudo happiness.

 

Call the store and ask if you can arrange to sign the papers and leave them with them to give to him to sign. That's what I did in my last breakup. People will often accommodate you in situations like these.

 

Again, box them up and send them by courier or post. It won't cost that much and it will be worth it not to approach him again. We become as addicted to people as we do to other pleasurable substances. Like the drugs, the way to give up this addiction is to stay far away from it.

 

The writing of the list looks like a really good idea. I WILL do this to remind myself. He's called twice in the last week just to chat. I keep the conversation really short; if he keeps calling, I will tell him not to call at all. Don't worry, no temptations whatsoever.

 

Wow, I hadn't considered that they would let one do that with the cellphone stuff. I'll look into it. Sending the rest of his things is probably the best way to go. What about all the dishes and kitchen items he left here? Drop them off at his cousin's house when he's (my ex) is out of town?

 

I have been a little addicted to him. Not interested in being with him at all now. In the last break up, I just felt a lot of sadness and got weak. I may feel sadness again, but I am NOT going to be weak again. Learned from this last time. Got this took me a long time. Somehow I feel free...

 

Just got a phone call from my therapist, made another appointment. I have so much to tell her. Yay!

[CoolAunt]

Originally posted by shamen

Thanks for the kudos CoolAunt and Moi! I must admit that having someone say, "Congratulations," and "Yay" feels really good. Weird, huh? Most of my friends say, "Oh thank god," or something along those lines.

 

Hi Shamen.

 

I've had friends IRL that had me riding the emotional rollercoaster with them while they dated or lived with a jerk and I admit that I said "thank God" when they finally ended it for good. In fact, my best friend went back and forth with one so many times that the last time she took him back, I told her not to complain to me about the things that he did until they were split up again. She was upset about that but I couldn't go thru it with her again and I couldn't stop her from putting herself thru it again so that was the only thing that I could do to save myself. She finally got rid of him for good last summer, thank God.

 

I wouldn't worry about stuff like dishes unless he cooks a lot or you think that if he doesn't get them back that he'll use that as an excuse to call and bother you. I know that you're trying to be fair and do the right thing but taking care of yourself is the most important thing for you to do right now.

 

Stay strong and don't miss your appt with the therapist. I bet you'll get a big "YAY" from her. Here's another Yay! and Congratulations! to keep ya' feelin' up.

 

Cool Aunt

[princess rose]

Shamen:

 

Congratulations, good for you, girl!!! I know how it feels to be addicted to someone, and think you'll be the one to change them. It's a useless venture, those kinds of people are emotional vampires, they'll just suck the life out of you. Moimeme had a good point in telling you that everytime you start to miss your ex, think if all the crap you went through with them, and it'll erase all that sentimentality real fast!! Anyway, glad you're seeing a therapist, that's really helpful. Good luck in the future.

[shamen]

CoolAunt,

 

You are right about the being a friend to someone like me who's going through this crappy stuff... I have put them a lot. Hence, I finally got to the point that I had to see a therapist. Just talking to my friends about it wasn't working for me anymore; I needed someone totally on the outside to help me figure it out. Besides, like you said, I'm sure that they were very sick of hearing me talk about all of it.

 

So, for all of your friends that have put you through it, I'm sorry. I can only imagine what it must be like to see people like me going back to the same bad situation over and over again. I have apologized to my friends as well, believe me.

 

Don't worry, I won't miss my appointment. I've actually rearranged my schedule to get to see her again. Thanks again for the words of encouragement!

 

Princess Rose,

 

Emotional vampire. I like it. Another thing to add to my list of reasons never to go back to him ever again. I do love seeing a therapist again. Glad I came back, it was a necessary thing for this point in my life.

[shamen]

I live in a big city that's really just a small town. I ran into my ex today where I was supposed to meet one of my friends to go see a show (a concert). She (my friend) usually stops in to have a beer first at a nearby bar, but she hadn't tonight. A bunch of my other friends were there, but I just couldn't stay.

 

It's probably for the better as I'm not feeling great tonight, but god it was weird to see him. What a surprise, he was wasted. And he was there with one of my friends. Yuck. I hate the mutual friend factor that happens at the demise of a relationship. Usually my friend would have called me to see what was up; it made sense when I saw him there with my ex.

 

I have decided to just give him all of his stuff personally and do the cellphone exchange thing this weekend (I can't help but wonder if that's why he showed up in my area tonight). It's planned for Sunday. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I have no intentions of going back to him after not being with him for a month and a half. This time it is sticking.

 

Of course he was hanging all over me. Telling me how great I looked, blah blah blah. Sh**head. I can't even take him seriously because he's drunk!!! He said that he was looking forward to hearing from me on Sunday. What, is he insane? I'm doing this to finalize the end of the relationship. Wrap up loose ties and stop seeing his stupid crap in my house.

 

I went from the encounter being weird to being pissed in 20 seconds flat...

[tokyo]

Hi Shamen,

 

I´m sorry you had to go through another breakup process with your ex. But hey, look it that way, now you are back to the dating world, to enjoy the excitement of meeting new people, cool. Just kidding, I´m sorry, it didn´t work out, but you deserve someone who is not doing drugs or abuses alcohol, that´s really a no-no, no matter how nice the guy is. Don´t sell yourself too low.

 

kooky

[shamen]

Thanks, kooky, for the words of encouragement. I know that I did the right thing by breaking it off with him. I went to dinner with one of my friends last night before going to the show and he said, "He's a great guy, but he's just not growing up fast enough for you. You've changed so much just since I've known you. You deserve something better." And you know what, he's right!

 

Regardless, I'm glad that I was able to have the guts to talk to him (it was weird, I went to hug another friend of mine and turned to say hello to his friend and then realized it was my ex!) and say, "Hello, how are you?" I was very polite and all too.

 

I fled the bar however when he starting touching me and commenting on how great I looked...

 

Yeah, back to the dating world again. Whoo hoo! How funny. OMG, did you see my update on the guy who's been in pornos date? I know that I'm not ready to be in any kind of relationship again right now and I'm just going to go out on simple little dates. I don't even think I'll go on any second dates... It's like testing the waters again. Nothing big. No commitments. Completely not ready. It's weird, guys are asking for my phone number again. News travels fast, eh?

[tokyo]

Hm, you mean the same guy who did porns before, but was really nice and a gentlemen? It´s actually interesting, I´m not sure how it is in the States and what is normal or not, but I have never met any porn actors or strippers. I´m also pretty sure that most of my friends don´t know any strippers or porno stars. I´d say that people who have been in porns or work in strip clubs are usually not the kind of people I´d know, because I don´t meet them in my usual social surrounding. But on LS I saw some posters saying they were working as strippers in order to pay for their tuition fees, so maybe the social stigma is less grave than in good old Europe and being a porno actor is also not that uncommon?

 

I admit you really have interesting dates.

[shamen]

Kooky, the stigma is probably the same. To my knowledge, he's the only person I've ever known who has done something like this. One never knows who one will meet, eh? My social situation doesn't usually lend itself to these sorts of things, believe me. I'll repost on the other thread to get you up to date.

[shamen]

Originally posted by shamen

I have decided to just give him all of his stuff personally and do the cellphone exchange thing this weekend (I can't help but wonder if that's why he showed up in my area tonight). It's planned for Sunday. Maybe I'm an idiot, but I have no intentions of going back to him after not being with him for a month and a half. This time it is sticking.

 

Hi,

 

It's been over 2 months now...

 

So, we didn't exchange stuff yet. He called that weekend and we were both busy, so it just didn't happen. He called me this past Sunday as well for some lame reason and we chatted for a bit. I always keep the conversations short. And I definitely always bring up the fact that we still have got to deal with the stuff exchange.

 

I was supposed to call him last night to set up a time sometime this week to do it and I don't even want to see him. Ew. But, I've got to do it; he is being cordial over the phone (since he tends to be sober then because he knows how much it pisses me off when he calls me wasted) and I'm pretty sure that he'll just be a gentleman about the whole thing.

 

I know that it will help permanently seal this part of my life shut when his crap is gone. Should've taken Moi's and CoolAunt's advice and just shipped him his stuff...

 

Still seeing the therapist and my apartment is slowly but surely started to look like a normal place again. I can't believe how messy it got when I was seriously bumming! Spending lots of time at the gym. I swear that it's going to be my new religion! I've already lost 10 pounds! Another 20 to go.