Why did he stop asking me out?

[Janni]

I've been seeing a guy from work for a month. We started talking at the christmas party and I wrote him on fb afterwards because I thought he was sweet. Two weeks later he asked me out. We've been out four times now, twice at his place. The fourth time we kissed. It was around 3-4 am and I told him I was exhausted, to which he said "You're welcome to sleep here if you want." but I declined. I live five minutes away and I wasn't comfortable sleeping there - I was afraid he might expect sex or that he might feel disappointed with my body. So I said I better get home, since it's so close. When I left, an hour or so later, I kissed him goodbye.

 

I wrote him the next day, sunday, and we texted all day. We started talking about how I wanted to begin working out but probably never would be able to pull myself together. He said he believed in me, to which I responded "you're so sweet!". He never replied. After that I didn't hear from him for seven days. I saw him at work on monday, where he said goodmorning in a happy voice and we talked a bit. We also saw each other the rest of the week, but didn't talk other than a "hey".

 

So I texted him saturday, a week after our date, and asked if he was tired from working and causal stuff like that. I then told him I hoped he did not feel rejected about me not spending the night, because it definitely was not meant as a rejection. He said I shouldn't think about it and everything seemed normal. He stopped responding later on, because it wasn't something that directly needed an answer.

 

So we saw each other at work on monday again and only said hey. We work different departments, so dont really spend time together much at work. On tuesday I wrote him again casually. During the conversation I asked if he might feel like meeting up some day and he said it could be nice. So I asked when, to which he suggested thursday. Unfortunately I had plans on thursday and he said it had to wait till next week (after the holidays) since he was going home for the holidays. I knew that and agreed.

 

On saturday I wrote and asked him to send me a text because I got a new phone. He send me a text and I said thanks. Then he did not respond.

 

That's the last time I've talked to him really. We've seen each other at work multiple times since then. It's been almost two weeks since the last text.

 

I dont understand what happened or why he suddenly acts like this. I was really into him, but I don't feel like I seemed overly eager or anything. He always seemed a bit shy and cautious around me. Like, if I joked about something, that could have been mean (if it wasn't a joke or sarcastic) it seems as if he's not sure whether it's a joke or serious. It's heartbreaking to see him at work and have no clue what has happened.

 

He's writing his thesis and the deadline is tomorrow. I know he had four pages too much two weeks ago.

[HappyLove]

I've learned NEVER point out your flaws to a man! He liked you just the way you were and then you went and told him how you don't like your body, you came off insecure. A lot of times the things we hate about our body they don't even notice until we point it out. I think he got turned off.

[J2911]

I agree with happylove on this.

He liked you until you told him the insecurities right off the bat.

From a guys opinion certainly not all guys feel this way but many guys don't want to deal with insecurity issues right off the bat. Maybe six months down the road but not after four visits .

I'm sorry you are sad and I hate to tell you this but it's only to help you maybe the next time go with the fact that a guy likes you and wants to hang out and do just that and have fun.

You don't have to be insecure off the bat when a guy shows interest and wants to hang out off the bat , you know ?

[Kamila]

Dating someone from work can be tricky.

Especially when things don't work out the way you planned.

You have to bump into each other daily...

 

Well, luckily things weren't that serious between you, try also being more rational and focus on work.

Maybe that will make him turn around, who knows...

But don't chase him, let him come to you, he maybe needs the 'push and pull' ...

If it doesn't work, add it to your experience list.

[Versacehottie]

ok none of what i say is meant to be harsh. do not point out your insecurities, especially about looks. Guys are different than our girlfriends. Sharing our insecurities about looks with girlfriends is normal, with guys/boyfriends it is not to be done. It sure looks like he is pulling back so you should ABSOLUTELY do that same--plus some. It reads like you have done most of the initiating, if not all of it, recently. I hope for your sake that this guy is not done for good but no matter what make this a learning experience. Even if you are talking about self-improvement things you want to do, make it over the top positive--where what he gets from message other than your to-do list is mostly that you are a go-getter than is CONSTANTLY improving herself. That is a positive trait because it is a character trait of personality. The way you discussed your self improvement plan if i am interpreting it correctly from your post is that you were sure he saw the flaws in your look but if he just hung in there you would be working on them. The best foot you need to put forward in any relationship at the beginning is your CONFIDENT foot. It doesn't matter what you look like per se. If he is on the date with you, he has already considered that and you passed. It's up to you to sell yourself by being confident. Honestly, I have seen plenty of guys who believe they are with the best looking, most awesome girl, just because she believes it--when often reality does not match her belief.

 

On a personal note, which i also don't mean it negatively at all but if you told him you were going to work on those things--well then work on them, NOW. Not for him, but for yourself. These are areas where you don't feel as confident as you could be and the sooner that you start to tackle them the sooner you will be more ready & more confident for him, for the next guy but most importantly for yourself. Good luck!

[J2911]

ok none of what i say is meant to be harsh. do not point out your insecurities, especially about looks. Guys are different than our girlfriends. Sharing our insecurities about looks with girlfriends is normal, with guys/boyfriends it is not to be done. It sure looks like he is pulling back so you should ABSOLUTELY do that same--plus some. It reads like you have done most of the initiating, if not all of it, recently. I hope for your sake that this guy is not done for good but no matter what make this a learning experience. Even if you are talking about self-improvement things you want to do, make it over the top positive--where what he gets from message other than your to-do list is mostly that you are a go-getter than is CONSTANTLY improving herself. That is a positive trait because it is a character trait of personality. The way you discussed your self improvement plan if i am interpreting it correctly from your post is that you were sure he saw the flaws in your look but if he just hung in there you would be working on them. The best foot you need to put forward in any relationship at the beginning is your CONFIDENT foot. It doesn't matter what you look like per se. If he is on the date with you, he has already considered that and you passed. It's up to you to sell yourself by being confident. Honestly, I have seen plenty of guys who believe they are with the best looking, most awesome girl, just because she believes it--when often reality does not match her belief.

 

On a personal note, which i also don't mean it negatively at all but if you told him you were going to work on those things--well then work on them, NOW. Not for him, but for yourself. These are areas where you don't feel as confident as you could be and the sooner that you start to tackle them the sooner you will be more ready & more confident for him, for the next guy but most importantly for yourself. Good luck!

 

Very well stated

[Poppygoodwill]

I don't think his fade-out has much to do with what you said. It's about what you didn't do.

 

When you left his house in the middle of the night without sleeping with him, he realized that you're not goign to be as easy to get into bed as he hoped. So he's gone off to find someone a little easier. That's all. It's probably not even personal, if you see what I mean.

 

He wanted something, you weren't prepared to give it to him at that point, so he lost interest.

 

Don't beat yourself up about what you did or didn't say. You're fine as you are.

 

If I were you< i would now stop getting in touch with him. He's sending you a message - albeit poorly delivered in silence - that he's just not that into you and won't be pursuing it.

When you see him at work, smile, say hi, shake your hair and stroll away like you ahven't got a care in teh world. Move on and find someone who is interested in more than a shag.

[Survivor12]

It seems that you have been the one initiating all or most of the contact. Has he ever initiated contact with you? Who suggested the 2 dates (sorry, but going to his place is not a date)? Did he plan them?

[Michelle ma Belle]

My best advice is to stop beating yourself up over this! This is part of dating after all. Some dates stick while others don't and to sit around and analyze every detail trying figure out why or why not will drive you CRAZY! That's usually when we start making issues where there really aren't any.

 

We can all sit here and give you what we THINK happened but if you really want to know, ASK HIM. I don't think it's out of place at all. If you hit if off and spent as much time together as you say you did and then nothing, it warrants an ask particularly if you want or need closure.

 

If you don't feel comfortable asking him for fear of coming off as insecure or needy, then STOP MAKING CONTACT with him because THAT is coming off WAY more needy then point blank asking him what happened.

 

Maybe it was what you said about your body although I highly doubt that is the sole reason for his change of feelings. Maybe he was upset that you didn't sleep over that night but again, I doubt that alone would make him turn cold over night. I'm not saying those couldn't play a part but unless he's a supreme a**hole, it might just be that he realized he's just not that into you after all. Simple.

 

I'd be very interested in hearing HOW you met and WHO initiated the conversation and subsequent dates. Does he have a reputation of being a player in real life or even at work? What do you know about him? Has he dated anyone else from the office?

 

Again, stop beating yourself up over this and more importantly, STOP making contact with him. If you feel like you can't let go, then ask him what happened and then be done with it for good and move on.

 

There are plenty of fish in the sea as they say

Edited May 2, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[angel.eyes]

I agree.

 

It also doesn't really matter why he's no longer interested. It was only four dates. Some guys will like you. Some guys won't. That's life. Focus on finding someone who does (and who is crazy about you), and worry less about analyzing why someone who may have been ambivalent from the outset wasn't interested.

 

Who contacted whom first? Who initiated your dates? Was he planning these and puttiing in effort, or just inviting you to come hang out at his place?

[cupic]

I don't think his fade-out has much to do with what you said. It's about what you didn't do.

 

When you left his house in the middle of the night without sleeping with him, he realized that you're not goign to be as easy to get into bed as he hoped. So he's gone off to find someone a little easier. That's all. It's probably not even personal, if you see what I mean.

 

He wanted something, you weren't prepared to give it to him at that point, so he lost interest.

 

On the off chance that this guy isn't a douche looking for a quick shag, (four dates is pretty persistant). Maybe he is feeling a little insecure as well. He offered, you shot him down.

 

Only thing more fragile than a woman's heart is a man's ego.

 

Also, thesis writing is extremely stressful. Give him the week he needs to get that done. If he doesn't turn it around after that, you know he isnt interested.

[soccerrprp]

Everyone is on target on this in varying ways.

 

1. Very risky to date someone who works in the same building, company

2. He was, imho, mostly turned-off by you refusing sex

3. You don't reveal your insecurities to a guy so soon, as you did

4. You need to work on your body image as it seems it will get in the way in the future if nothing is done

5. I wonder if your body insecurity is obvious. I wonder if he thought that you were the type to more likely give in to sex b/c you are not as attractive. Not trying to be mean here, but some guys feel that the less attractive a woman is, the more likely they are to be desperate for companionship.

 

Move on. He wasn't ever really interested in getting to know you it seems. Also, 2 of the 4 dates, so early on, were at his place. Hmmm...smells like sex is what he wanted.

[J21]

I don't think not sleeping with him on the 4th date is the reason he's being distant. If he was that type of person, I think even if you did sleep with him, he would've gone distant because he's already gotten what he wanted. If anything, it shows you have self respect and made you more desirable at that particular point. But when you sent that text where you said "I hope you didn't feel rejected about not spending the night", you started qualifying yourself to him. Your self confidence (in his eyes) waivered. The attitude should've been "yeah no, I don't think so buddy. I hardly know you as of now and you don't get into my pants that easy!"

 

My guess is you qualifying yourself to him and the timing of everything was probably the factor (thurs wasn't good so you, so had to wait after the holidays and now he has to focus on his thesis). Too much of a time between might've cooled things off, and he now he has that thesis.

 

I really hope he reaches out to you, but don't over think it too much. I wouldn't advise to contact him again as it will only make you look more clingier/desperate to see him again. You've been initiatiing all this time, so if he's interested he will reciprocate. He has your contact info and knows how to contact you if he wishes.

Edited May 2, 2014 by J21

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I've learned NEVER point out your flaws to a man! He liked you just the way you were and then you went and told him how you don't like your body, you came off insecure. A lot of times the things we hate about our body they don't even notice until we point it out. I think he got turned off.

 

 

Insecurity in any particular way is a turn off. Even if he's insecure himself. He probably wasn't looking for a model just someone nice to hold on to. I've been going to counselling because of my seething anger issues that are deep within. They only reach the surface in the past when men are seemingly interested and then it comes out as baggage and insecurity and then they turn away. Be careful. Sort out your issues.

[nerdlingZA]

U keep texting and texting him , just stop , stop and do something like working out. He will ask himself the same Question 'why isn't she texting me anymore???' If he's interested enough he will ask and take things from there. But just stop texting the guy 1st , its makes u look like u've no life.

[truth_seeker]

The Universal Answer:

 

1) Lost Interest

 

OR

 

2) Found Someone Else

[acrosstheuniverse]

Because he lost interest. We don't know why. You can ask him if you want to put your mind at rest and can handle it without feeling as though you lost your dignity. I've asked before! I went on a couple of good dates with a guy late last year, we hit it off pretty well, but after the second date I suggested the following weekend, he said he was busy, I said no problems well let me know when you're free, and he never did. We have remained friends etc. but a couple months after purely out of curiosity I saw him on Tinder again and said 'hey! So why do you think we never ended up seeing each other again?' and he said 'unfortunately due to our schedules I think it would have been impossible to sustain regular dating, which is a shame'. Literally, the dude worked 70 hours a week as a Doctor, an hour and a half away, and didn't drive. I was working 70 hours per week in my career, and drove, but in any given week there generally wasn't even so much as a correlating hour to meet so he was right.

 

I generally am in the 'if he's into you, he'll make time' camp but on this occasion it was physically impossible as I would have wanted more than a few hours every three or four weeks and I'm sure he would have too, I didn't feel weird asking him why he'd never got back in touch because I was over it and not invested anyway.

 

So if you're at the point where you can happily admit to yourself it's going nowhere, there's no harm in a 'hey, it was great spending time with you! I don't think things are going to work out romantically between us though, I sensed you weren't interested. Was it something I said?' or whatever, phrase it how you wish.

[crude]

Just come right out and ask him and insist he be honest. You don't seem to think you're attractive so if he says you're not, it's not going to be a surprise that shocks you. And as far as the people who say he only wanted sex, if that's the case, he was probably going to get it on the 5th or 6th or 7th dates, but he passed on them and the sex, so he obviously wasn't with you for sexual purposes.

[hopefullove]

So last year I went on a dating spree and I have learned sooooo much!

 

You didn't sleep with him and he moved on.

Pretty much.

 

I went out with this guy 4 times as well.

He did a lot to try to impress me, took a gym class with me, took me out for lunch, bought me drinks, etc. Well on the 4th meet he wanted to come over, or hang out at night. And i declined. Never heard from him again. I sent him ONE text that he didn't respond to. and I was like, heh, what a jackass. and moved on.

 

Actually I knew he was a jack ass halfway through, I just wanted to see what he would keep doing to try to sleep with me. ANYWAY you're both single, you've only seen each other a handful of times. Doesn't really mean anything. If you are feeling insecure, some guys are like sharks, they just smell it, and try to go in for the kill. And since you didn't give him what he wanted, he swam away looking for more fresh blood.

 

DONT WORRY! go work out go do what you gotta do to build your self esteem back up and look good FOR YOU and be happy!

[Janni]

Thank you everyone for your answers.

 

We met at a christmas party at work where he started talking to me.

I then texted him on facebook four days or so later.

 

We went on a date a week and he asked me out for the three first dates (movies, comedy and then dinner and a movie at his place) where I suggested the last date.

 

I am not insecure about my looks, nor am I overweight. I am a size 34/36 and I did not mention the working out as an improvement. He works out and so do I. We had talked about how my sister wants to become a prof trainer and so I told him she'd made me a training program, but that I am really bad at pulling myself together to go work out. I guess I seemed insecure, as he does crossfit and kept wanting me to do crossfit too, but I said I probably wouldn't last five minutes. It wasn't meant as insecurities from my point of view, just honesty as I am in very bad shape, though I am thin.

 

I haven't contacted him since. I say hi at work and that's it. Try to live my life as normal, although I really like the guy. I haven't heard from him either since my last text, but am not waiting around for it either.

 

You ask what kind of guy he is. He has not hooked up with anyone else at work. Actually I don't know of any other girls. He seems like a kinda shy, cautious guy, who acts like the fun and confident guy around others. He is a bit of a joker, but not when we were just the two of us. Then he would seem cautious and unsure of what he could do. Like at the first two dates he seemed as if he wanted to hold my hand (kept rubbing his hands and holding them near me) but never did.

 

I am afraid of asking, as any rejection would definitely hurt my feelings.

 

There is a company party may 30th. I am going but not planning on showing any particular interest for him at all. Maybe some drinking will help him ease his mind and if he did feel rejected, he contacts me. If not, then that's what it was.

 

I understand that four dates is not a whole lot and everything. I did however just get out of a 6 year relationship 7 months ago and this whole thing just made me fall back into that old heartbreak, even though I am completely over my ex. He left me for another woman, who he'd cheated on me with and when this new guy stopped showing interest I felt all that hurt, confusion and rejection come back. Otherwise I'd probably not felt as hurt, since I am generally confident and keep the whole "Everything you can do, I can do better" attitude.

[Janni]

Btw. I also asked me if I was attending future events. For example he asked if I was going to a festival that is happening mid june and he hoped I'd be there. When I attended the event on facebook he told me, he'd seen it and like that. During the first month he also wrote me at least once a week, but mostly if he had an "excuse" to write me. Like asking when I would be at work, then saying he wanted to know so he could put on his "nice uniform". He even directly told me he liked me once, when I said he was always so sweet to me.

[HappyLove]

I think you need to stop worrying and wondering about what this guy is doing and just move on with your life. Don't you want a man who won't leave you guessing? A man who goes for what he wants? Find someone who leaves no doubt. You can find happiness with a great guy stop wasting time on this one.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I understand that four dates is not a whole lot and everything. I did however just get out of a 6 year relationship 7 months ago and this whole thing just made me fall back into that old heartbreak, even though I am completely over my ex. He left me for another woman, who he'd cheated on me with and when this new guy stopped showing interest I felt all that hurt, confusion and rejection come back. Otherwise I'd probably not felt as hurt, since I am generally confident and keep the whole "Everything you can do, I can do better" attitude.

 

This is so common sweetie, I had a horrendous breakup September 2012 (wow, I can't believe it was that long ago now) and I was over my ex when I started dating somebody new in June 2013, but when he left me after five months I realised that all of the old pain came flooding back, the feelings of rejection and loss, and having my trust broken.

 

Even if you're over your ex, you're probably still living with the reverberations of pain, that's how I saw/see it. I couldn't care less about the guy anymore, but I loved him and you can't turn that off like a tap. I would never get back with him and we are not in contact but when something bad happens in my dating life now, sometimes it still brings the pain flooding back.

 

You've been through an almighty loss with your ex, and had your trust shattered, so it's normal for the first relationship after the breakup to be difficult on your emotions, whether you're struggling to open up and trust him or whether you're hyper sensitive to signs it's not working out.

 

I have to say, on this occasion, the dude doesn't seem into you at all. If he was into you he'd be in touch every day, asking you out again etc. I don't know why he lost interest but he did and you would do well trying to focus on healing and moving on from it rather than planning how you'll react around him in 20 days time at a party. He has moved on and I think you would benefit from trying to do so too.

 

Don't be afraid of getting some counselling. I had some after the 2013 ex dumped me, because I knew as soon as sht started to go down that I would be in a really low place due to past hurt (not just the ex, other people I've lost in the past few years such as my mother, my brother and nephews). It really made me feel good that I was taking control of my own healing even if it was a placebo. And it was a relief to be able to sit and sob to a stranger about how everybody in my life kept seeming to disappear.

 

I hope you feel better soon. But this guy isn't interested and is only going to hurt you further. x

[MissBee]

I really don't think you should try to blame yourself for his lack of interest.

 

Sometimes people lose interest or it was never that strong to begin with and it's nothing you did or didn't do.

 

 

It doesn't sound like this guy was SUPER into you...two "dates" at his house are a red flag to me personally. I don't believe in going on a date to a man's house when we're just starting out and I frankly think this guy had sex on his mind hence these house "dates" and sleepover suggestions. My first thought was that he was looking for something casual and when the sex part wasn't happening enough he lost interest. That's not on you. You want a man who is genuinely into you, who will invite you on dates to do things and who will follow up. You obviously like him so you keep reaching out...it works both ways, when a man likes you, you not being able to go out once or you not spending the night won't matter, he will continue making plans...trust me. If he was not that into you very much, he won't try as hard and will be fine to let things go, as this guy is doing.

 

I understand being disappointed but that's how it goes sometimes and you didn't invest that much into him so I wouldn't be heartbroken over this. I'd brush it off as, he wasn't that into me, someone else will be though, so that's fine. Life's too short to be dissecting the actions of someone who is simply lukewarm about you.