Severe Personality Disorders and No Contact

[AnneT1985]

Hi y'all!

 

 

Hope you're doing well!

 

 

I need some drop down honest opinions on this one please- it's huge for me. First off I am not at all generalizing all people with a personality disorder here- I am just referring to my experience with a couple of people I know who have one that is very severe and untreated. I feel for them and they must be suffering but I am wondering if no contact is necessary, even if it's a loved one, since both people I'm talking about are (immediate family member and friend).

 

 

They have some very caring,sweet and loving qualities some days but it is like Jekyll and Hyde in a HUGE way. Huge, abusive and extremely cruel temper tantrums and dissociation almost to the point of dementia related behavior where it seems they will just appear to forget how they behaved and the damage it caused and continue on as if nothing happened and no one was hurt. They appear to be extraordinarily manipulative at times, yet very unsuccessfully- it's almost similar to a 3 year old's attempts. The need for attention and drama is very high and hell hath no fury when they don't get it. These 2 people in question also will never take personal responsibility and refuse to apologize, because they are always the victim. It is absolutely impossible to reason with them. Boundaries seem to be useless as they will try everything to stomp all over them.

 

 

Please help y'all....have you been in a similar situation with a loved one?

Is no contact the healthiest way to go to protect yourself?

 

 

Thanks so much y'all!!! xx

[salparadise]

If you were involved romantically with such a person, then I'd say yes, NC is almost certainly necessary. But since you said immediate family and a friend it's not so clear. If you can stay detached and enforce healthy boundaries then perhaps not. The problem is that they won't like your detachment and boundaries, and as you say, they will try every trick in the book to manipulate. Enforce the boundaries anyway and refuse to be manipulated. Don't take it personally. Insist that the relationship be conducted on your terms or not at all. When they "split" or throw a tantrum because they aren't getting their way, politely excuse yourself. Chances are that once they learn what you will and will not tolerate they will mostly comply. Try to be compassionate at the same time you're being firm about the boundaries. That's about the best you can do. Otherwise, NC.

[Quiet Storm]

My sister is a Borderline. I keep my distance but still see her about once a month. She caused a lot of drama around our kids and my husband hates her, so I don't take them with me. I keep things light and don't let her rope me into any drama. I have detached emotionally from her. I love her, but from a distance. Her lies, manipulations, tears, tantrums don't anger or confuse me anymore, they just annoy me. I see her behavior in a clinical way, instead of taking it personally.

[janedoe67]

If they are getting treatment interdiction then I say compassionate distance when necessary. If they are knowingly noncompliance, I'd lean toward NC.

[AnneT1985]

My sister is a Borderline. I keep my distance but still see her about once a month. She caused a lot of drama around our kids and my husband hates her, so I don't take them with me. I keep things light and don't let her rope me into any drama. I have detached emotionally from her. I love her, but from a distance. Her lies, manipulations, tears, tantrums don't anger or confuse me anymore, they just annoy me. I see her behavior in a clinical way, instead of taking it personally.

 

 

 

Thanks! That's the part that is very hard for me and also why my loved ones have lost nearly everyone in their lives. The attacks get SO mean and personal sometimes.

[Quiet Storm]

Thanks! That's the part that is very hard for me and also why my loved ones have lost nearly everyone in their lives. The attacks get SO mean and personal sometimes.

 

 

I totally understand.

 

Educating myself about her disorder really helped me, because I was able to see her outbursts/attacks/rages as a manifestation of her brokenness. And not a personal attack against me.

 

When she starts drama with me now, I say this "For my own emotional well being, I am ending this conversation." Then I leave, or end the call.

 

In my sister's case, she makes a lot of false accusations and jumps to the wrong conclusions. She also always makes everything about her. For example, if there is an event that my parents are attending (say a school concert for my kids), she will create some big drama or threaten suicide on the day of the event, in order to prevent my parents from coming (because she's mad she wasn't invited).

 

I used to get very angry about that, but now I just expect it. I know she hates to be excluded and it is a Borderline trait to act immature and childlike. Why should I expect a diagnosed Borderline to act like an emotionally healthy adult? It's just not logical. (It took me years to get that, though).

 

My anger (and yours) is because we expect these people to be normal, considerate and thoughtful. We want them to be rational and mature.

 

The truth is, we expect too much from them. They AREN'T normal. They will behave according to the nature of their disorder.

 

So getting angry & upset with them is kind of pointless. It just escalates the argument, gives them the dramatic response they thrive on, and gets us all worked up about something we can't change.

 

Yes, they will say some things that will break our hearts. They will make accusations that are blatantly false. They will do things JUST to get under our skin. BUT- all of this is stemming from a immature, scared, insecure, weak, ashamed and broken part of themselves. The truth is they are incapable of coping with those feelings. They can't regulate their emotions, so it all comes out in one big raging tantrum, or they do it covertly with sneaky manipulations.

 

So it up to us to decide if want to participate in that dysfunction or not. There were years when I did not have any contact with my sister because I could not emotionally handle it. She would exhaust me and make me hate her. Now, I am able to have some contact with her, but I set strong boundaries. The moment I feel as if I am being attacked, I'm out.

 

The biggest thing that will help you is acceptance. Once I stopped being surprised/ shocked/ offended by her, and said to myself "She's just being a Borderline, and her drama is part of her disorder", I was able to cope. We don't expect a person with asthma not to wheeze. We don't expect a paralyzed person to walk... so it is unrealistic to expect a personality disordered person to "act normal". I know it's hard when someone is hurling insults your way, but it really did help to view it this way.

[AnneT1985]

Thank you so much Quiet Storm! And thank you very much for sharing your personal experience