enchanted771 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 We have a difference of opinion. She has been single as long as me, but I have two relationships. One last 5 months, and one almost 2 years. They shouldnt have lasted that long but i kept working at it to make it work. Her relationships in the same time have been short. A month or two at most. I am not saying its her, but the type of men she picks perhaps. Anyways, on to the debate: When dating a guy (not a boyfriend), and you didnt like his behavior say in the first month, would you stand up for yourself and call him out on his behavior or would you simply move on, and never speak to him again? I think just moving on, is being passive-aggressive. I also think a guy would respect a woman who can stand her ground even if they arent in a relationship. She tells me, that you will scare him off if you start complaining and saying things too early on. I think not saying anything, makes you look like a doormat. A guy isnt going to respect you if you dont respect yourself. You almost have to demand respect or they will see you as weak. Thoughts???
marcjb Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 One of the most important things in any relationship is communication. No one is a mindreader.
Babolat Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 It's a good question, one I have thought of before. I don't think you are talking about good communication per se, rather when is it okay to start expressing some of your concerns/frustrations with his actions/behaviors, correct?
Gaeta Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 When dating a guy (not a boyfriend), and you didnt like his behavior say in the first month, would you stand up for yourself and call him out on his behavior or would you simply move on, and never speak to him again? I think just moving on, is being passive-aggressive. I also think a guy would respect a woman who can stand her ground even if they arent in a relationship. She tells me, that you will scare him off if you start complaining and saying things too early on. I think not saying anything, makes you look like a doormat. A guy isnt going to respect you if you dont respect yourself. You almost have to demand respect or they will see you as weak. Thoughts??? Depends: If it's a lack of attention on his part, if he's not that into me I move on. If it's something unacceptable like he raised his voice and the like, I move on. If it's something minor like he's late, he plans last minute, he cancels last minute, then I will point it to him. 1
GemmaUK Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 It totally depends on what the behaviour is. I would speak up or just walk. Sometimes there is a case for speaking up. Sometimes if you point something out then it gives the person a 'problem' to give an excuse for or validate in some way..sometimes it's not worth the energy of speaking up for that reason.
DArtagnan2 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I'd have to agree, it would depend on the behavior being displayed and what you will or won't tolerate in a relationship or even from another person. There are things that can be discussed and resolved and there are things that are just too far extreme to the left that you know will just not work and it may be best or safe to not even broach the subject. Either way, its nice to try to work things through or put closure to things by communicating what it is you are having a problem with. On the flip side, it may be in the best interest or safety of someone to just walk away and not make contact again
pteromom Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 When dating a guy (not a boyfriend), and you didnt like his behavior say in the first month, would you stand up for yourself and call him out on his behavior or would you simply move on, and never speak to him again? I think just moving on, is being passive-aggressive. I also think a guy would respect a woman who can stand her ground even if they arent in a relationship. She tells me, that you will scare him off if you start complaining and saying things too early on. It depends on what the behavior is. If you see him punch a kitten, then you just need to move on. Because the guy is an ass, and no amount of talking is going to turn him into less of an ass. If it's something like you don't like that he calls his female best friend "sweetie", you wouldn't want to bring that up too early (until you are having the exclusivity talk), because that's none of your business if he isn't your bf. If it is something to do with you directly... you would prefer he comes to your door to get you vs. texting you from the car saying he's there, then sure... tell him! 2
Author enchanted771 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Thanks for your input everyone. I an not talking something as Simple as calling his female friend babe or sweety or even texting. I'm talking being disrespectful. Not a first date more like date 7. Talking about other women in an offensive way that I thought inappropriate, and felt Degraded. Then over reacting about things and not wanting to communicate about it. This is from personal experience. But in that case he is who he is, and after all didn't matter what I said and I got myself in a bad emotional state because of how he treated me. Had a mini breakdown. So in the future, I'll just walk away and not take his calls. I think you set the tone early on too. If you set the bar low they won't respect you.
Poppygoodwill Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I think if you think it's not working or a good fit, or you feel uncomfortable with someone in the first few weeks and find their behaviour or their attitudes fundamentally disagree with yours, then best to break things off. But I always believe in telling them why. Short and sweet, don't give them room for debate or argument, and then go No Contact to let things cool down. If we don't tell people how their behaviour affects us of offends us, how can we expect people to ever change? And the same goes for us. Wouldn't you want to be told, rather than make the same mistakes ove rand over again? I would.
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 Talking about other women in an offensive way that I thought inappropriate, and felt Degraded. Then over reacting about things and not wanting to communicate about it. This is from personal experience. But in that case he is who he is, Those are character flaws that won't change. You discard a man like this asap. If he allows himself to be like this on a 7th date imagine how he will be after 7 months. Those inappropriate and degrading comments will be aimed at you. 1
Author enchanted771 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 I think if you think it's not working or a good fit, or you feel uncomfortable with someone in the first few weeks and find their behaviour or their attitudes fundamentally disagree with yours, then best to break things off. But I always believe in telling them why. Short and sweet, don't give them room for debate or argument, and then go No Contact to let things cool down. If we don't tell people how their behaviour affects us of offends us, how can we expect people to ever change? And the same goes for us. Wouldn't you want to be told, rather than make the same mistakes ove rand over again? I would.yes, and I did tell him, but I honestly don't think he cares.
Author enchanted771 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 Those are character flaws that won't change. You discard a man like this asap. If he allows himself to be like this on a 7th date imagine how he will be after 7 months. Those inappropriate and degrading comments will be aimed at you. I agree with you 110%. I felt degraded because we were supposed to be on this nice date. He picks up his phone I. The restaurant then the things he was saying didn't make me feel like an equal to him, but just another woman. I'm better than that. And nope he won't ever change. By continuing to be in contact with him I'm rewarding his behavior. The best lesson is to cut him lose and have NC. It's hard, I was looking forward to spending more time with him and doing things together, but I won't let anyone disrespect me and lower my standards. I'm just really hurt and angry
Poppygoodwill Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 yes, and I did tell him, but I honestly don't think he cares. You're probably right. I am an eternal optimist though, and I believe if he hears it enough times from enough women, he might start to get the message.
soccerrprp Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 We have a difference of opinion. She has been single as long as me, but I have two relationships. One last 5 months, and one almost 2 years. They shouldnt have lasted that long but i kept working at it to make it work. Her relationships in the same time have been short. A month or two at most. I am not saying its her, but the type of men she picks perhaps. enchanted771, I would agree with you about standing up for yourself, but your description of YOUR relationships may not be healthy either. You were in two relationships that you admit should not have lasted as long as they did. People who tend to spend too much into a relationship that isn't going anywhere are not healthy either. Co-dependency sets in and that is certainly unhealthy. She cuts them loose w/o discussion, but you, you keep trying (too long) to work out something that is likely not resolvable. I wonder who has the more healthier view on dating...
mtber75 Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I think you are right! Nagging and standing up for your self is completely different! Like how you girls like a confident guy! Guys are often turned on by confident woman who can speak her mind instead of being like a coy little girl. Have that whole no conversation thing and moving on is pretty juvenile unless its very obvious that its not going to work out than that's appropriate!
Author enchanted771 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 You're probably right. I am an eternal optimist though, and I believe if he hears it enough times from enough women, he might start to get the message. yes it will take a while before he gets it- IF he ever does. He's 40. Plus he went back on his word raft we would communicate. Instead he chooses to give me the silent treatment and not deal with the issue so good luck.
Author enchanted771 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 enchanted771, I would agree with you about standing up for yourself, but your description of YOUR relationships may not be healthy either. You were in two relationships that you admit should not have lasted as long as they did. People who tend to spend too much into a relationship that isn't going anywhere are not healthy either. Co-dependency sets in and that is certainly unhealthy. She cuts them loose w/o discussion, but you, you keep trying (too long) to work out something that is likely not resolvable. I wonder who has the more healthier view on dating... being codependent is one thing but mistreating someone is another. I have no problem accepting the fact when I'm wrong, but he won't. When someone shuts down because they didn't get their way that isn't healthy. I'm all about communication. Maybe I gave my exes too many chances but I was trying to fix the issues that we had, but broke it off when I was being blamed for everything. 1
Author enchanted771 Posted May 2, 2014 Author Posted May 2, 2014 I think you are right! Nagging and standing up for your self is completely different! Like how you girls like a confident guy! Guys are often turned on by confident woman who can speak her mind instead of being like a coy little girl. Have that whole no conversation thing and moving on is pretty juvenile unless its very obvious that its not going to work out than that's appropriate! I spoke my mind and he didn't like it aka want to hear it. I wasn't nagging, but he started verbally attacking me when I tried to express myself. I then told him ok, don't complain anymore then when you wonder why I don't express myself to you- this is why.
central Posted May 2, 2014 Posted May 2, 2014 I think two things come into play - the personality of the person observing the behavior, and the attitude of the perpetrator. A conflict-avoidant personality will probably just move on in most cases, and that's fine. If the perpetrator's attitude isn't receptive to constructive criticism, move on, but it they are receptive, it may be productive to speak up, especially if you see potential in the relationship if the problem is corrected. So, it depends. And you may be too judgmental or self-righteous if you think only your way is the right way! And I speak up on this because I think you may be able to correct this problem.
Author enchanted771 Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 I understand waft your saying, and honestly had No problem compromising. I was trying to hear what he was saying But not when someone is being vindictive. Then I Just being a doormat. You talks things out, but he just started insulting me to make himself feel/look better. I know enough to know that's really Someone who is insecure. What's done is done though. I need someone Who knows how to communicate, and has compassion. He didn't care about my feelings, only his. And I of course, was the one who ended up feeling bad.
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