lylat333 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Looking for a silver lining or brutal honesty. Are there any redeeming qualities in the event the dumpee pleads, gives their heart away? I know it's counter-productive 99% of the time short-term. Any ideas on what effect if any it has on the dumper down the line? e.g. Maybe they'll be that much more likely to get in touch if things don't go well and they decide to toss out breadcrumbs or are looking for an ego stroke? I plead over a short period of time recently but feel I made a fool of myself. I'm in NC and have cut off all ties... online, any physical reminders, everything. I'm not interested in reconciling but I am hurt and I guess my ego is looking for something to help ease the pain. In my limited experience, I believe with my first ex because she plead it pushed me further away and took away any sense of urgency and I took advantage of her. Not good for her... but it hurts that much more when I've looked back on it and realized she would have done anything for me and I think I see her in a more positive light because of it. Thoughts? 1
malin819 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 stop worrying so much and just keep NC Enjoy your life...its will pass really fast 2
BC1980 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I think this is variable, but, as a general rule of thumb, I think it just makes the dumper feel sorry for you, even in the long run. I've been the dumper once, and the guy didn't plead or beg. I just look back and have neutral thoughts. I didn't plead or beg with my recent ex, but I definitely cried multiple times in front of him and expressed a lot of confusion. I kept asking WHY, which exasperated him. I'm sure he felt pity for me because I was so upset over the breakup. I kept asking if it was permanent. I guess the things I did might be a step above begging, but I still looked incredibly weak. I would be interested to see how this recent ex views me now. The last time we talked I told him what he did was unacceptable. I told him that he never should have let things go that far if he was unsure. Otherwise, I've never spoken anything negative to him about the breakup. Haven't spoken to him in 5 months and don't plan to. In the short term, it seems pretty clear that begging doesn't change anything. In the long term, it might. I think it depends on the person, but I don't think you need to place yourself in a position to beg either. 1
Author lylat333 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 (edited) I think this is variable, but, as a general rule of thumb, I think it just makes the dumper feel sorry for you, even in the long run. I don't know about the long run. With firm NC, I think the dumper has to begin to give you the benefit of the doubt after time has passed. I've been the dumper once, and the guy didn't plead or beg. I just look back and have neutral thoughts. I didn't plead or beg with my recent ex, but I definitely cried multiple times in front of him and expressed a lot of confusion. I kept asking WHY, which exasperated him. I'm sure he felt pity for me because I was so upset over the breakup. I kept asking if it was permanent. I guess the things I did might be a step above begging, but I still looked incredibly weak. I would be interested to see how this recent ex views me now. This is actually very similar to the boat I'm in. When I say plead I never said, "Please stay with me!" I always framed it in, "I don't understand this", "I don't understand why this can't work", "I don't understand why you are avoiding talking to me." And I remained extremely calm up until the very last message I sent, and even then, for whatever mistake it may have been I could have done far worse. There comes a point where those questions are unreasonable but I felt they were very legitimate questions for the time. The last time we talked I told him what he did was unacceptable. I told him that he never should have let things go that far if he was unsure. Otherwise, I've never spoken anything negative to him about the breakup. Haven't spoken to him in 5 months and don't plan to. Yeah, I don't care about reconciling because what she did was honestly inexcusable imo. I hate to sound so bitter but she took a cowardly way out. In the short term, it seems pretty clear that begging doesn't change anything. In the long term, it might. I think it depends on the person, but I don't think you need to place yourself in a position to beg either. I agree. I know this is or should be a moot question as far as her and I are concerned I'm just looking for a little something to soothe the pain or make better sense of things. Edited May 1, 2014 by lylat333
FredJones80 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I always framed it in, "I don't understand this", "I don't understand why this can't work", "I don't understand why you are avoiding talking to me." I think this is a natural reaction from anyone being told their relationship is over. Anyone who gets that news and goes "fair enough - ok, cya" probably wanted to end the relationship themselves but didn't. 2
ahthepain Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I did alot of begging and crying even a month after, although she promised me it was noone esle (but got with guy 3 weeks after BU she only met 3 days prio). I don't regret begging or pleading or trying everything, because I may have regretted not trying. I certainly would trying to move forward now and I may have in a few years looking back. But I have tried everything and she is still 100% not interested. She said I was annoying her at the moment, but I figure it this way - In a years time - 1) She will remember how much the BU hurt me and how much I cared to offer her everything and how hard I tried - And she will remember me as a weak pathetic man. 2) She will remember how much I cared after the BU and remember the great times we had and regret it or atleast remember she has a guy who would have given her the world. Either way I will be over her and if it's 1 then it really does show she wasn't worth anymore of my time and if it's 2 then atleast it gives me some comfort now thinking she may eventually realise why I tried so hard. 1
BC1980 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I don't know about the long run. With firm NC, I think the dumper has to begin to give you the benefit of the doubt after time has passed. This is actually very similar to the boat I'm in. When I say plead I never said, "Please stay with me!" I always framed it in, "I don't understand this", "I don't understand why this can't work", "I don't understand why you are avoiding talking to me." And I remained extremely calm up until the very last message I sent, and even then, for whatever mistake it may have been I could have done far worse. There comes a point where those questions are unreasonable but I felt they were very legitimate questions for the time. Yeah, I don't care about reconciling because what she did was honestly inexcusable imo. I hate to sound so bitter but she took a cowardly way out. I agree. I know this is or should be a moot question as far as her and I are concerned I'm just looking for a little something to soothe the pain or make better sense of things. I basically did the same thing. Said we can work on this. Let's do counseling. There was a lot of crying on both sides. I still think I looked weak even though I didn't beg. It's hard to look strong though. If someone is telling you to your face that it's not going to work, I can't hide my emotional reaction. I'm human. What I could have done was minimize the humiliation by going NC right away. It just seemed so hard for me to comprehend. We were supposed to begin the marriage counseling at out church the next day. It was required for couples who were getting married. That 180 switch threw me for a loop for sure. I don't think I can forgive him in the near future for doing that to me. It seems so unnecessary to let it go that far. If he didn't want to be with me, fine. But it put me through that charade and act so happy. No, there's no forgiveness for that. I think the fact that I stuck around beating a dead horse probably affected my self esteem more in the long run than his views of me. But we're human, and we have knee jerk reactions. Beg or not, plead your case or not, I don't think it changes a person's deep seeded feelings for you. Do you think that you view your first ex in a better light because she moved on to a new relationship? Does that somehow play into it? 1
Author lylat333 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 I think this is a natural reaction from anyone being told their relationship is over. Anyone who gets that news and goes "fair enough - ok, cya" probably wanted to end the relationship themselves but didn't. I think I have to agree with this. It didn't matter how many LS threads I had read, I can't hide my natural reaction. She said I was annoying her at the moment, but I figure it this way - In a years time - 1) She will remember how much the BU hurt me and how much I cared to offer her everything and how hard I tried - And she will remember me as a weak pathetic man. 2) She will remember how much I cared after the BU and remember the great times we had and regret it or atleast remember she has a guy who would have given her the world. This is basically what I'm torn between. Right now I feel weak and pathetic. Maybe it's just my ego talking but I hope she does realize how sincere I was in those last weeks about wanting to work it out. I was there for her every day, would have done anything and I felt completely taken advantage of. Maybe she will see how much heart it took to hang in there and be as vulnerable as I was. 1. She dumped you. 2. She wasn't kidding, this isn't a dream and this isn't a test where she asked you to prove / demonstrate your love for her. 3. She didn't ask you for permission or your approval. 4. You say you love her, care about her and want the best for her. Prove it by respecting her decision. 5. Know you own self-worth, have some self-respect and never plead, beg, nag, guilt, beseech, threaten, petition, besiege, badger, manipulate, bargain, etc. someone to love or be with you. Solid post, thank you for the tough love. #2 is maybe where I struggle and a little bit on #4. I actually had a woman tell me the other day, "sometimes women do this stuff to test their guy a little bit". Now, what women say they do or want and what the truth is can be 2 different things and I took that with a grain of salt to say the least. And I didn't assume she was consciously trying to test me or anything. I just didn't think my true feelings had been shown and I did my last hurrah, which definitely has a tinge of selfishness since she had already asked that I not contact her anymore. Now all I've been thinking about is #5. It shouldn't be so hard, I should expect a mutual love. What I could have done was minimize the humiliation by going NC right away. It just seemed so hard for me to comprehend. Yeah... pulling immediate, no-hesitation NC seems like an awfully tall order. If he didn't want to be with me, fine. But it put me through that charade and act so happy. No, there's no forgiveness for that. I agree. Granted we were on the rocks for weeks, the 2nd of the only 2 months we knew each other but we lived close to each other and she acted like she was so happy with me. I believed it. Always telling me how good it felt to be with me, how happy she was to have someone to stay over with her, grabbing at me when we were together and initiating flirtatious texts up until the very last day we saw each other. Beg or not, plead your case or not, I don't think it changes a person's deep seeded feelings for you. Do you think that you view your first ex in a better light because she moved on to a new relationship? Does that somehow play into it? It immediately expedited my change of heart, but I've always felt even if she didn't get in a relationship I would have come crawling back, no doubt. I can't believe it looking back but I basically gave her the cold shoulder for almost 2 months. That time passed by very quickly for me and surely painfully slow for her. We had so much together... that 6 1/2 years, there's no way I would have walked away without ever saying something to her again. In that case it was just a matter of time, as soon as something went wrong in my life I would have been back. No amount of pleading on her part could have overridden what we had invested in each other. 3
BC1980 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I think I have to agree with this. It didn't matter how many LS threads I had read, I can't hide my natural reaction. This is basically what I'm torn between. Right now I feel weak and pathetic. Maybe it's just my ego talking but I hope she does realize how sincere I was in those last weeks about wanting to work it out. I was there for her every day, would have done anything and I felt completely taken advantage of. Maybe she will see how much heart it took to hang in there and be as vulnerable as I was. Solid post, thank you for the tough love. #2 is maybe where I struggle and a little bit on #4. I actually had a woman tell me the other day, "sometimes women do this stuff to test their guy a little bit". Now, what women say they do or want and what the truth is can be 2 different things and I took that with a grain of salt to say the least. And I didn't assume she was consciously trying to test me or anything. I just didn't think my true feelings had been shown and I did my last hurrah, which definitely has a tinge of selfishness since she had already asked that I not contact her anymore. Now all I've been thinking about is #5. It shouldn't be so hard, I should expect a mutual love. Yeah... pulling immediate, no-hesitation NC seems like an awfully tall order. I agree. Granted we were on the rocks for weeks, the 2nd of the only 2 months we knew each other but we lived close to each other and she acted like she was so happy with me. I believed it. Always telling me how good it felt to be with me, how happy she was to have someone to stay over with her, grabbing at me when we were together and initiating flirtatious texts up until the very last day we saw each other. It immediately expedited my change of heart, but I've always felt even if she didn't get in a relationship I would have come crawling back, no doubt. I can't believe it looking back but I basically gave her the cold shoulder for almost 2 months. That time passed by very quickly for me and surely painfully slow for her. We had so much together... that 6 1/2 years, there's no way I would have walked away without ever saying something to her again. In that case it was just a matter of time, as soon as something went wrong in my life I would have been back. No amount of pleading on her part could have overridden what we had invested in each other. It's amazing how time and space can change your view of someone. It has given me a much worse view of my ex.
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