feelinggood Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 (edited) Thread Title: What should I do now... We have been dating for almost 2 years now. When we first started he was really sweet and we would spend a lot of time together despite his busy schedule. But over time, the time we see each other is getting lesser and lesser because he's getting busier... We have a fixed day each week for a dinner date. And it depends on what time he finishes work and most of the time we could only spend like 1-2 hours together. His weekends are mostly filled with activities. The problems are getting worse now. He doesn't msg me good morning and good night, no phone calls, I'm not invited to his sports night with his ex-colleagues or other activities. When I do msg him he usually take ages to reply me, or until I msg him again, or sometimes no replies at all. Today is a holiday for us but he chose to spend time to help his female colleague look for houses in an area I used to stay. When I asked why is he helping and doesn't the girl have her own friends to bring her, he said why am I making it complicated when he's just purely helping a friend. The thing is, he wouldn't normally do it, and he could have invited me to join them in the house search since I'm familiar with the area. Am I being over sensitive here?? On another note, he's also helping another female colleague looking for a bf. He was never like this, I mean, he never do such things and why would he suddenly do things like these now? We used to talk about his busy schedule and I did tell him that I felt like I'm being squeezed into his tight schedule. I think he just needs to prioritize things in his life and I told him that. He was aware that I'm suffering because of that and yet he doesn't change. He said he thought he wouldn't have to sacrifice any of the things and activities he likes when he's with me. I agree, he doesn't have to, but they are taking all of his time, which is not even enough for a single man. So what should I do now? I really treasure this relationship... I don't want to end it just because of that but am I the over sensitive and over controlling one, or is he the insensitive and should put in more effort one? Edited May 1, 2014 by feelinggood Mistakes in the thread title 1
J2911 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I was in this situation last year . We were together for 3 years and after a year and a half she did the exact same things that your bf is doing . Friends , the gym , shopping , tv etc took priority over our relationship. When I had the talk about it she stated that the reasons were only that it's normal for the honeymoon phase to end and that she loved me . I was really put off by her statement bc I am a man who doesn't believe the honeymoon phase should end. I was trying to keep the flirting , fun , relationship to continue strong but when the Kardashians trumped time with me and the text dwindled to two a day and a 15 min call once a day I had enough. I struggled to end a 3 year relationship but I needed more out of the relationship. I moved on and after no contact for 4 months , ironically her friends all got bfs steady and they really didn't have time for her which left her free ever weekend she realized that she lost me and that she wanted me back and realized she was a fool and treated me poorly. It was too late I moved on though and didn't look back and am in a better place . My advice is to have the talk and if he doesnt start showing you the affection you need then just move on. Someone out there will be willing to love you ! 2
DArtagnan2 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 he is too too busy to text, call or spend time with you anymore as his schedule is getting busier. but he has time to help other women. Im going to be blunt.. He is not being honest with you. You need to take an honest look at the relationship. What it is really offering you and if what it is offering you is what you want for yourself, from a relationship. If it is not, then it is time to get a new plan in place so to have that relationship with someone who wants to have the same type of relationship with you. 3
Assasda Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I think you are the problem OP. YOure trying to nag the man to death. Find a hobby for yourself, and you a your guy will meet in the middle. He doesnt need you to be complete and you dont need him to be complete. Leave him alone, and stop trying to guess his every move. You are not is Mother, and there isnt something more unattractive that women that act like mothers to their signigicant others
Allumere Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I don't buy it. Had similar experience during marriage and husband helping friend/co-worker but never asked me along (as I knew the gal). Intuition was right and ultimately he ran off with her. If the behaviors are different then he is checking out. You need to talk!.
Author feelinggood Posted May 3, 2014 Author Posted May 3, 2014 I was in this situation last year . We were together for 3 years and after a year and a half she did the exact same things that your bf is doing . Friends , the gym , shopping , tv etc took priority over our relationship. Hi J2911, I'm sorry to hear that... But just to make the whole picture clearer, his time is mostly spent on work and religious activities. And I totally trusted that he will not cheat on me, it's just the, u know, woman's mind running wild sometimes. I don't like the fact that I'm the one initiating all the contacts now, and that he has no time and attention for me, but that's all. His priorities are all jumbled up and he couldn't manage his time well, it happens in his activities as well and he's very helpless with that too. Let's put it in a simple way, he wants to do everything with his limited time. I want to help him, but sometimes his insensitivity and my mind that is constantly telling me that the relationship shouldn't be like this make things worse... How do I let him know without hurting his ego? The last time we talked he cried and realised how bad he is but he doesn't know how to change... And it's a stupid qs I know but how often should a couple meet up, and text or call each other? I've seen some couples going without contacting each other for days and even weeks and yet there are some couples can't take it if they don't see each other for more than 3 days...
morrowrd Posted May 3, 2014 Posted May 3, 2014 I don't think he's into the relationship anymore. People make time for the things that are important to them... You don't apparently fall into that category. Don't waste another minute.
Author feelinggood Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 You all were right......We had a talk over the phone, he was unsure of a lot of things and I asked if he needs a break. He was still unsure and in the end he said maybe that's the best way for us. I couldn't take it so we met up the next day to talk it out. When he came over everything was fine, just like normal. We chatted for a couple of hours over a light dinner (he didn't feel like eating). He told me that after the phone call last night he felt very bad that he is making that decision after I said how good he is. He kept repeating that he's not a good guy and he didn't know why he always mess up with the people that matters to him. I told him he needs to know what's really important to him and make things work. Long story short, he was determined to cut it off and as much as I didn't want it, I agreed that it must be the best for us. The BU was kinda messy with all the crying and all, he cried more than me throughout the whole time. He said he didn't know and didn't want to hurt me so badly. I did propose to try to work things out but he said he realized there's a big change in his feelings in the past few months. He might sound like he's bad or selfish but I truly feel that he feels lost. And I'm confident that there's no third party involved. Maybe he's afraid of the commitment or simple fell out of love or what I don't want to know now. I'm doing NC now, 3 days since then. He did ask if I want to talk (about it) again later, I said I don't think we should because it will be never ending. When we hugged one last time, I felt numb but he was crying quite badly. I just need more strength to continue my NC now...I hope what I'm doing now is right.
Poppygoodwill Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I"m sorry that you are hurting, but honestly, it's so much better that it's out in the open. It seems you've been putting up wiht his distance and his preoccupation without understanding really that his feelings have changed. Better to know than to continue to waste your time. NC is so hard, but it's the right thing to do. If there is any hope that he'll change his feelings on this, NC will prompt that. If not, then at least you're already three days down the road and that much closer to the day when you stop hurting and start moving on. sending big hugs. 2
Author feelinggood Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 Thanks a lot Poppygoodwill! Yea I do agree that it's much better now, and I really did feel relieved after that. Don't get me wrong, I love him but all the worries and uneasiness and all negative feelings were thrown out of the window at the same time. I'm trying hard to stay away from thinking about him, like what is he doing and all sorts. But I allow the memories to flow back, to grieve and to learn from it. Is that healthy?
Leigh 87 Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 I think you are the problem OP. YOure trying to nag the man to death. Find a hobby for yourself, and you a your guy will meet in the middle. He doesnt need you to be complete and you dont need him to be complete. Leave him alone, and stop trying to guess his every move. You are not is Mother, and there isnt something more unattractive that women that act like mothers to their signigicant others From your posts it is very obvious that you don't know the actions of a guy who is very much in love with a girl. Have you ever had a guy who was really into you? Or are you just cool with guys who are lukewarm about you and, you know, who would rather chill with their mates all weekend and do their hobbies over spending their timer with you? The op is NOT asking her boyfriend to spend every moment with her. He isn't putting ANY effort into her and hardly sees her. He doesn't feel the need to call or text her either when they are apart. Men who are totally in love with their girlfriend of two years normally have their lover on their mind a lot of the time, that is what true love is... you tend to think about the person you truly love and not want to go without talking to them . This guy sounds as though he could take or leave talking to her, and he would rather strictly enjoy his hobbies, hang out with his friends and help colleges found houses on his days off. WHERE does this woman come into the picture? He treats her as an OPTION, but a woman who brings him great joy and he loves to be around;if he DID really love being with this woman, he would dedicate SOME time to her, rather than spend ALL his time with his friends or etc. Most emotionally healthy men WANT to at least spend 2 days a week with their girlfriend of 2 years. I have a life and don't want to be with my bf 24/7 but I want to see him at least 2 days a week AND I don't want to go days without talking. THIS guy the topic was made about, he wouldn't likely care if this poor woman didn't text him at all, he would likely send her a " whatsup" text once every other day:(
Leigh 87 Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Thanks a lot Poppygoodwill! Yea I do agree that it's much better now, and I really did feel relieved after that. Don't get me wrong, I love him but all the worries and uneasiness and all negative feelings were thrown out of the window at the same time. I'm trying hard to stay away from thinking about him, like what is he doing and all sorts. But I allow the memories to flow back, to grieve and to learn from it. Is that healthy? Hey, I'm sorry you are going through this, I had a break up exactly a year ago with my ex. We were also together for two years. I urge you to go to the coping section, under the breakup section....... there is a no contact thread where you can post there if you ever feel tempted to reach out to him. You are a lot better off now even though it sucks how you have to grieve a loss. In future, you know that when a guys heart is 100% in it, he will make the time for you. I wish you well on your path to recovery, it really is like losing someone:( I can tell you though, that I feel soooooooooo much better off without my ex, as he wasn't in love with me in the way that I deserved and therefore a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders when he left. After the grieving period took place and dissipated, I am just so much happier.... I felt that a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders since the break up, I felt free to find a man who was crazy about me. 1
PegNosePete Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) Seems highly likely to me that he was cheating with one or more of his "work colleagues". Edited May 8, 2014 by PegNosePete
central Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 At best, you are an option, not a priority. His activities and such take precedence. After two years, the novelty has worn off, and he's just not that into you anymore. IMO, it's time to move on, because he's stringing you along until someone better comes along.
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