Author kiababy Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 I say 'almost' because he did text message me on Tuesday to say 'I miss you'. I messaged back 'Miss u too luv', and left it at that. Otherwise I haven't contacted him at all since last week when he wanted to meet me after work and I sent him a message back saying 'let's leave it for now'. I said it was because he didn't know whether he would be finished work on time and I didn't want to have to wait around after work. The truth is I am sincerely trying to make a break from him. I'm not bored or tired of him. I love him more than anything - the desire to talk to him or at least hear his voice is eating me up. So many times today I wanted to talk to him. Okay, I actually called but thank god he didn't answer - that would have spelled disaster for me! I really didn't want to leave a message and he wouldn't have recognized the number because I usually call him from my cell phone, not my work phone. But last Saturday I spent the day with my former MM#2, who I now like to call 'divorced guy'. It was really great this time because I finally told him about my relationship with current MM. I don't think I did it to come clean as much as I just wanted to UNLOAD on somebody. He said it was O.K., that he would never judge me for it - especially since he had spent a few years in an affair with me while he was still married himself. It felt great to get it out of my system, and to hear him of all people tell me I deserved so much more. We had a wonderful intimate evening and I found some of the feeling I had for him before. That turned out to be a huge relief because I was beginning to think I was attracted to men only because they're taken by someone else. It felt so good to realize I had true feelings for him after all.
Author kiababy Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 I need some words of encouragement to get through today I'm dying to call him.
izzybelle Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 how about DON'T DO IT! ok, pretty lame. aside from the fact that hearing his voice will be no doubt wonderful.... how will you feel after? it's so hard to avoid being pulled back into the whole thing!!!! you've come so far....... but then again, who am i to give advice? i tried calling exMM twice yesterday...luckily he didn't answer. i had the awful realization yesterday afternoon that i accidently send him a message intended for someone else. i was in a hurry and clicked on the wrong address in my book....yikes!!!! somedays i'm just more of an idiot than others! and now i'm struggling with calling to apologize or just ignoring my stupidity! of course it was an email to a friend filling them in on what's been happening in my life and the guy i'm sort of seeing! you know that sinking feeling when you just want to crawl under a rock and die!??!!? yeah i know, i need to delete him from my address book! i did hear from MM#1 yesterday. he's still sep. and still struggliing. he made the comment that he hasn't run into me in a long time. which is true it's been over a month since our paths have crossed. i'd love to call and talk with him too, and i still have his cell programmed into my phone...although i've never used it, it was much more for the caller ID thing on my end. i'd love to offer some encouragement to him, one way or another, but i need to really keep my distance from him. just hang in there, eat a candy bar or 6 (too early for a drink!)!!!
SummerRae Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Originally posted by izzybelle how about DON'T DO IT! ok, pretty lame. aside from the fact that hearing his voice will be no doubt wonderful.... how will you feel after? it's so hard to avoid being pulled back into the whole thing!!!! you've come so far....... but then again, who am i to give advice? i tried calling exMM twice yesterday...luckily he didn't answer. i had the awful realization yesterday afternoon that i accidently send him a message intended for someone else. i was in a hurry and clicked on the wrong address in my book....yikes!!!! somedays i'm just more of an idiot than others! and now i'm struggling with calling to apologize or just ignoring my stupidity! of course it was an email to a friend filling them in on what's been happening in my life and the guy i'm sort of seeing! you know that sinking feeling when you just want to crawl under a rock and die!??!!? yeah i know, i need to delete him from my address book! i did hear from MM#1 yesterday. he's still sep. and still struggliing. he made the comment that he hasn't run into me in a long time. which is true it's been over a month since our paths have crossed. i'd love to call and talk with him too, and i still have his cell programmed into my phone...although i've never used it, it was much more for the caller ID thing on my end. i'd love to offer some encouragement to him, one way or another, but i need to really keep my distance from him. just hang in there, eat a candy bar or 6 (too early for a drink!)!!! LOL! That's too funny! I have done that before (only it was a "love email" sent to a professional, lol) hilariously humiliating.... at least now it's more hilarious, but at the time!
Author kiababy Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 Thank you so much for the words of encouragement Izzy. Don't feel too bad about the mistakenly sent message. Maybe you could just send another message saying something like: "Last message sent to you in error" - what do you think? Refresh my memory, why are you staying away from MM#1? Are you worried that he might end up going back to his wife? I'm so broken-hearted Izzy - I feel like I've just had a bad breakup and nothing of the kind has happened at all. How can I love someone like him so much????? Why do I feel like I'll DIE if I can't talk to him or see him again? I have no excuses anymore, everything else in my life is going great: new job is fantastic, my daughter finally cleaned up her act and has settled into her job as a gymnastics instructor, I've reconnected with my old flame - 'divorced guy', (formerly MM#2), but again - nothing matters (to quote that Alicia Keys song) "If I ain't got you"...... I want to call sooooooo baaaaddddddd!!!!!!!!!!
izzybelle Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 hey kia! i'm staying away from MM#1 for a number of reasons. the A ended so he could try to figure out what was up with his M without me in the pic. that was almost a year and a half ago and i think he moved out maybe a month ago..., not sure of the timing. i know he was really struggling, and still is, with why he wanted his marriage to end. he was really clear at the time that he felt in his heart that it was over. from what i understand from a friend of his, he's really having a tough time, mostly because of his kids. and although i sent him a message letting him know that i was here to talk to ... no strings attached, i'd rather i keep my distance until he gets his act together. i don't know that i'm afraid he'll go back to his wife...he may, and in many ways i really hope they can work it out, i know her pretty well. but that's not so much the issue, it's more of what i'm pretty sure he'll do if he ends up going the divorce route. he had told me when it ended that he'd love it if i was "still there" when he made it to the other side of the mess, but since then, he's said some things in passing to others that leads me to believe that he'll be interested in chasing anything young for a while and honestly, i almost think being dumped for someone younger will hurt just as much, if not more, than him going back to his wife. so..... i'm in no state of mind to want to get involved knowing right now that it would just be BAD!!! he's still one of the most incredible looking guys i know. yeah, he's losing his hair little by little but that bod!!!! so i know that in spite of the fact that i'm happy with the friendship, if he made a pass at me, i'm not sure i'd have the willpower to walk away i know it hurts a lot kia. and i remember the feelings that i'd die without him, and honestly had a few rough weeks where i just couldn't imagine how my life could go on without MM#2 in it. yesterday was the first somewhat emotional day i had about him in a while. and i know part of it was that, even though it doesn't matter, he now has a pretty good idea that i'm not just sitting around waiting for him. i still feel like i'm "cheating" on him even though it's all just a memory. at least i didn't accidentally send him an email meant for the guy i'm seeing. oooooh that could have been fun! i wonder if his W is still snooping in his email? it really is all an addition, and i still tell myself, and try to convince myself that "just a little" contact won't be a problem. and honestly i do feel i can have a conversation with him without lapsing into sobs, although yesterday i probably would have. but i still get these overwhelming urges to call and see how he's doing, to find out how things are with his W.... but i guess i know it doesn't much matter at this point, he's still there with her and until that changes, i'm out. but it's been over 6mos. but each day you make it through with NC, will make you stronger and more determined to make it through another. do you think there's ever a chance that he'll leave his W?
Author kiababy Posted March 4, 2005 Author Posted March 4, 2005 I was just ACHING to talk to him so I sent a text message that said 'hope you're keeping warm, miss you' - cuz he works outside and it's freezing here (Canada) right now. He wrote something x-rated back that I can't even repeat, and it gave me a little rush and I felt kind of good and thought that would be that. But as I packed up to leave work he called and asked what I was doing and said he needed to see me and 'spend time with me'. I didn't even hesitate to say 'O.K.!!!!!' He came and picked me up from work in his truck and I left my car in the parking lot. We drove around and talked and then he stopped and told me that he knew something was wrong and told me that whatever was on my mind I should feel free to say. I couldn't say a single one of the things I had composed to say to him in my mind over the last week. He held my hand, kissed me and said that if I wanted him to step aside so I could clear my mind to pursue other relationships all I had to do was tell him. He said "I want you to know that I'm happy just being here with you, it doesn't have to be about sex " Then he just sat quietly and stared out the window while I thought about it. He is the most gentle man I've ever met in my life (O.K. apart from the whole dominant-submissive aspect of our physical relationship that is totally separate), I didn't feel pressured, I felt like I could have said whatever I wanted at that moment and he would have accepted it - as long as we could stay friends. Instead, I blurted out that "I feel like I can't live without you"... and he said 'Good!' and smiled and said he fully expected me to break up with him and that he was so nervous but didn't want to influence me. One look at those blue eyes totally disarmed me - he could have told me to do anything and I would have done it. So I'm right back to the I-love-him-so-much-I can't-stand-it phase. Again. I failed failed failed failed
izzybelle Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 kia, so i know the "right" thing to say here is that you should have just told him all the things you were going to tell him, but i know you know that and i know it's oh....so much easier said than done! they really do have a way of taking hold of your heart and making it feel like everytime you try to loosen their grasp on it that it may just stop beating. so we keep giving it back to them to bring it back to life. you were close this time, i have no doubt that eventually you'll get there. did he say anything more about it? do you think things will just continue on the same, or are you going to try again? i'm guessing by the fact that you said you failed that you will try to break again. so if it's the eyes...will you have to eventually not end it in person? i don't know that i could do that, but i can see why it would be next to impossible to do in person. it's cold here too. and the one somewhat bizarre but strangely appealing guy, who disappears out of my life for several weeks at a time, only to come back when i least expect it, was supposed to be helping clear snow off of roofs today. and it was windy.... hang in there and don't beat yourself up about this. you came close this time, and i know, close doesn't necessarily count but well, one step at a time. maybe next time you'll make it further. but i'm going to bet right now that ending it isn't the first thing on you mind! izzy
Author kiababy Posted March 4, 2005 Author Posted March 4, 2005 You KNOW Izzy, you've been there and felt what I felt. I wanted to copy what you said about how they take ahold of your heart and that if you try to loosen their grasp you feel like it might stop beating - but couldn't get the copy/quote working. You said it beautifully! I read that sentence over and over. That's it exactly. Feels like my heart is in his hands and if he lets go, it won't beat anymore. I can't do it in person - impossible; and I can't do it on the phone because the sound of his voice makes me weak too. I'm so obsessed it's ridiculous. I can't think about it anymore....please tell me about the 'strangely appealing guy' who appears and disappears out of your life. Tell me what you're feeling and thinking about right now? When you wake up in the morning is MM the first thing you think about? Are you still kind of seeing that single guy? I couldn't pursue anything with the single guy I was getting to know. He left a voicemail on my cell on Sunday to see if I wanted to go out for a coffee but after hearing the first sentence I just deleted the message. Even his messages are boring. I so wanted to give it a chance but like you said before, I can't be 'myself' with him.
Author kiababy Posted March 4, 2005 Author Posted March 4, 2005 Except for this forum, I would never get to exchange thoughts with someone like Izzy and others, who know exactly what I'm feeling, thinking and going through. It's so freeing to be able to post here, and work through all of this. I don't have to make a 'point'.
izzybelle Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 kia, sorry that someone's giving you grief about saying things here. and i don't know what they said, but there is a point to all of this. for those of us recovering or hoping to leave an MM situ behind, the struggles of moving on, trying to say goodbye and dating are all very much a part of this process. the "strangely appealling guy" ..... i can't figure that one out myself. in sooooo many ways a relationship with him would be so wrong. our lifestyles are different, he's no where near the "attractiveness" level that i usually find appealling, he has no kids and doesn't quite grasp that whole part of my lifestyle .... but i am drawn to him. he makes me laugh, but he's frustrating as all hel!!!! he will disappear from sight for a while and then reappear like no time has passed. when i talked to him the other day and i said something about "going out" he started questioning me as to what i meant by that. very few things leave me speechless, but i didn't know how to respond. i probably just should have asked him what he meant by his questions. i can't imagine that he's expecting me to see only him when he is out of contact for weeks at a time. he has a very busy life, but how much time does it take to pick up the phone and call to say hi? he has no cell, and no computer so getting in touch is a challenge. he's the "bad boy" type i was always attracted to in college! i've talked about it a little to a male friend and he pointed out with that and other situs, that it may just be the thrill of the chase. we've talked a bit about that and my relationship with MM. and i know he wonders if that was part of what was going on with MM, from his perspective. i don't know, all of this, with MM and dating leaves me so confused sometimes. the other single guy i'm seeing, i think, is starting to get too serious, and i'm scared shi!less! i'm not ready, my heart's not free yet, or maybe better stated, i'm not willing to let it be free. there's that fear that if i let go of the hold that MM has on my heart, that he'll come back and i will have moved on. and while that should feel liberating, it's not. maybe i'm just not ready yet, but will i ever be? anyway, this guy is incredibly attentive, flatters me constantly, misses me, wants to be with me, says all the right things.... and i want to back off because i know i'm not ready, but for some reason i can't. whether it's the attention, the positive feelings, it's all just so confusing. and i know i run hot and cold with him. i'm fine until he starts with the "you're beautiful" "i wish i was there to keep you warm" kind of stuff, and then i freak, clam up and usually say something stupid. my mind has moved on some from where it used to be with MM. he's not always the first thing on my mind in the morning, or the last thing at night. but i still feel the overwhelming presence of him in my heart. the guilt i feel for wanting to care about someone else is also getting in the way sometimes. somedays i want him out of my system completely and i curse the day i got involved but i was so in love with him..... it's just so hard to let that go and become part of the past. and there are times, like now, that the thought of where he and i were just last year this time, brings tears to my eyes. we were talking about the future and how we wanted to be together for ever. how does one easily let that go? i know i have to and i know in time it will, but i guess not everyone understands how difficult it is to let go of something that was so wrong, but the most wonderful thing, all at the same time. and i keep waiting for the thrill of passion, the butterflies, the "i can't wait to see you" feelings to be there for one of these single guys, and it's just not. and i struggle with the questions of whether or not it's them, or me, whether i just won't give up the hold he has on my heart to let someone else have the opportunity to take his place there. izzy
Author kiababy Posted March 4, 2005 Author Posted March 4, 2005 I'm so there with you Izzy - I loved the attention from Single guy, but he liked me way too much, I never even kissed him. Maybe WE are the ones that enjoy the chase just as much as the men? I went to a therapist about 3 years ago who told me that all of this married man stuff was simple: I'm just not ready for a committment. Maybe you're the same; we think we want something we don't really want...or maybe we're just not ready for it. I stopped going to therapy after 3 months because the therapist didn't want to talk about what I wanted to talk about. Who cares about my childhood????? (I'm being sarcastic to anyone who is going to jump all over that statement). I also wonder about the bad boy single guys - the ones we actually WANT - who blow in and out of our lives like the wind - say things like: "Wow! I can't believe YOU don't have a boyfriend..." and then proceed to pull the same s**t everytime - if I'm so hot, why don't you have time to see me? I made up my mind a long time ago that I won't ever call a man. Men call when they want to talk to you or see you. So I've stuck to that policy. I will return a call, or call if I'm requested to - but I will NOT initiate contact. I don't care if I go without a date for a month (doesn't usually go that long), but I ain't calling! You actually got to the point with your MM where you talked about a future - that's so cool. The only future MM and I ever discuss is being an amateur porn couple one day and making video tapes of our adventures all over the world ha ha - yeah I know, completely nuts, right? I have kids so I would never ever do that, but that's why I say he and I could never sustain a real relationship - our entire relationship is based on and around fantasy. We only exist together in our own little erotic fantasy, which is exciting and thrilling and dangerous, but not real - I keep telling myself that. But we're such good friends too that I feel like I really love him, you know? I wish I had stayed long enough in therapy to ask the doctor why I accept things about MM (his occasional drunkeness, weed smoking) that I absolutely abhorr and never tolerate in other men? I just don't get it.
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