Emtionless ex,what do I do

[Stuyg3578]

Hi there and hello from England!I'll try to keep this short as I can but I really need some help and advice. I've been separated from my fiancee of 10 years for 15 months now.we have 3 beautiful kids whom are loved so much.i suffered with really bad depression on/off for 4-5 years of our relationship.it hot to a point where she just snapped and asked me to leave.

 

Since then neither of us has meet anyone and I have made great strides in bearing my illness and have hot my dream job as a fireman.my kids still don't know were apart they believe that I've been working away all this time.i have financially supported them so much I've been renting a room here and there as can't afford my own place.when I have tried to mention us or counseling she shuts down if can see the pain and fear in her eyes she just doesn't comment. i never knew how bad she was effected as she's a very closed person always has been but she's an amazing women whom I'm still love with all my heart.

 

all I know is what happened drove her to a near breakdown and she admits she's changed, it feels like she has no emotion, she is covering herself in tattoos,and just says I want to b alone and be selfish.she admits I'm the man she feeling love with but better but it's almost like she's turned into an emotional block of ice.i think there are issues that she needs to deal with but apart from sort if admitting this she says she wil deal in her own way.we used to despite my illness have great sex life very regular, but know she just wants to be alone and doesn't fancy anyone.

 

i go round everyday off spend time with the kids have tea together and help all I can when I leave we have a kiss and a cuddle then I go off to my Lonely life.i miss my family so much but this doesn't seem to effect her she asks no questions,not much emotion, somedays she is happy others she seems distant and like something's wrong?she finds it hard to sleep at times and has lost weight,and does not mange money well and priorities tattoos over bills at times.shes changed but at times she still there if you no what I mean. its driving me mad part of me thinks she's in denial of the situation and some sort of depression or emotional block and one part thinks she's just don't care but that's not her.

 

her friends snd family acknowledge she's changed she different but say that's who she is now?its like 10 years gone no talking just gone it's like I'm living 2 lives when I've read the kids a story I get a kiss and cuddle then go of to my own life, it's soul destroying! I still have a key for our house and we still have joint bank account for certain things ie debt life cover etc.there are still pictures of us all in house and we are even going Florida nect year with my mum and kids for holiday of lifetime.im waiting for her to snap out of it or start to cone forward I only want us to spend time on our own to see if itl work but the longer it goes on the further away it seems.

 

If this doesn't happen it seems I won't even get closure, I've apologized so much and tried and tried, I no her family would live us to work things out but they think she still needs to heal.i just don't know what to do she listens a lot to heavy metal music also, she's a great mum who does have a lot on her plate with3 kids and I admire her for that but why and how do I deal with her lack of emotional availability? And how do I possibly begin to fix this! Please help!

Edited May 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[J2911]

Wow , very heartbreaking story you have.

It sounds like she needs to really do individual counselling first and so do you and then do couples counselling. You cant make her go but you certainly can go and I'd recommend that highly in your case so you don't decline mentally.

If nothing changes then you can't stay for the kids sake. You can't continue to forever live in this setting. Maybe if you left as in don't continue to kiss her daily and leave then she would be apt to seek counseling quicker.

I wish you luck on this

[eye of the storm]

Couple of issues here. You say you had depression for years until she finally had enough and asked you to leave. When living with someone who has untreated depression you get a lot of ...abuse is not the correct word...but you have to deal with a lot of crap. You start to build walls to protect yourself. You are almost forced to not care in order to protect yourself. It sounds like what she did.

 

Now, what you are describing from her behavior since you moved out sounds like she is dealing with depression herself. Just like she couldn't help you, you cant help her. She has to decide she needs to get help and then follow thru on it. You can talk to her about taking the kids more. and telling her that maybe she should get IC not for you but for her. Her depression is not about you or your relationship with her, it is only about her and getting healthy again for herself and her children.

 

Financially, if she is blowing money on tattoos when bills are not getting paid, you either need to take over the joint money or separate the money completely and pay your portion of the bills directly to the vendors.

 

Good luck.

[Stuyg3578]

Firstly thank you for your replies, as with regards to my depression I did try to deal with it but I was chopped and changed from medication like I was a guinea pig! I also had behavioural therapy.I wasn't violent atall but emtionally I wasn't helpful atall and I am filled with regret every minute of every day.As for kids if I'm not at work I will take the kids out and help as much as poss I don't go out and live the life of a single man I spend all my spare time with my kids as they are my life.because of her financial ways I started not giving her money but instead decided to take on the mortgage to ensure that the roof is secure over my kids and her heads.she is not aware that I know of her financial state as I admit I looked at her bank statement following a couple of bills not being paid from our joint account. I offered her help but as she is stubborn and proud she said she was ok financially which I know is a lie.if I confront her regarding this she doesn't like it and gets defensive and I can see it rattles heras this has happenend before so I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't! Since we gave parted I've moved 8 times from spare room to sleeping on a mates sofa! And financially I've given more than double what I should legally which I don't care as it's my kids who come first but the situation is draining for me and I refuse to go back to that dark place!she stated that although mayb she needs to talk to someone about y she is like she is she won't as that's not her! Like I say she's completely shut off which is so sad as underneath this hard exterior is a wonderful beautiful person.she does it seems just take each day at a time but by burying her pain and anguish over what happenend will only make it harder to deal with. It's not about us trying again although one day I'd love for us to be a family again it's about her dealing with whatever she fears.she comes across like it's all ok and she's fine but behind that mask I know her i had 3 kids with her and can see a lot more of her troubles and behaviour more than anyone as I'm the one cops it but I don't care as I belive deep down she's lost herself, her identity if ya like.if I confront her about any of this you can see her body language and her eyes and face change its scarey it as thou she turns to stone and I don't want to push her anymore.like I say it's me who cops this behaviour more than anyone she's great with kids and works hard and does part time beauty work and I understand it's not easy even without the emotional baggage! That's y I always help and belive me I bend over and do summer salts as it's the least I can do.i don't know weather this will ever catch up with her before it's to late but I'm fighting to help the woman I love the woman who I should b with who more than anythin was my best friend and I swore I'd never let her down that's why since we parted I've not been interested in anyone kissed or had any intimate contact with anyone as I can't because of her. My mates think I mad I should be out having fun with other woman but they don't understand.ive just started getting counselling to help me figure out how to deal and approach her which I hope will help. But if you guys can help also and share experiences ? Thank you all

[Stuyg3578]

Also wanted to add, she has become selfish with money regards to getting some money back for the bank from payment protection from a loan we had and did not tell me about it, and she has used that money to go on holiday in the summer with her brother and sister in law and done friends. I think the holiday will b good for her but again it's all about priorities. She tells me she will think if herself for a change will not be a pushover and do what she wants.i wasn't all bad we made love very regularly at least 4 times a week she would text me the next day telling me how special it felt and inbetween the depression I was very romantic but I now see how erratic I was at the time n that's what drive her to who she is now.its like she won't forgive me, when we have had words she says it's your fault this has happenend, and when I've mentioned emtional shut out she just says now you know how it feels! Then other times she's saying don't feel bad you were ill! Then it's I just snapped don't know y! I could go on forever but I've known her for a long time before we even were together and the way she is I don't think the person she means to be, there is more I could say it's destroying but maybe she has changed forever but I try to help all I can and am slwaysx there for my kids

[J2911]

Your mates are wrong for suggesting to have fun with other girls .

That's great that you see why that statement is wrong .

Because you are a firefighter , and stated that you finally have your dream job , that is awesome and it tells me that you are very compassionate about helping others and saving lives .... ( I'm a trauma nurse so I understand you ) .

 

When you married , you took an oath that said in sickness and health .

Well severe depression is a sickness just like brain cancer is or a stroke .

With cancer and stroke comes changes in behavior too. You dont bolt.

With that said , if you were physically , verbally , or emotionally abusive to your wife and kids as the result of the depression , then that's another story. She has the right to end things but you state that you were not abusive in any manner .

 

I will tell you in my opinion, the way she has shut down by her changes you are writing about is serious. She has deeper issues to shut down in this manner.

She isn't verbally releasing her pain so the tattoos are her form of " cutting ".

This is my opinion alone . Her issues are beyond you but she isn't getting better and you aren't getting better because you are still living two lives and that really is unhealthy for your mind and heart.

 

My advice : separate. Get your stuff . Get out. Tell her that you will give her money for the children only. Youre done . She is done. You can't live this way .

You tried to save her and the marriage and you cannot do it anymore .

 

We are human only , we cannot work two modest jobs full time and 90 hours a week to support two homes to live two lives and save the unsavable and win back a wife who doesn'twant won back.

 

You are one guy with children. You should work one job hard and maybe obtain custody rights and separate bc it sounds as if you now may be the better stable parent.

[Stuyg3578]

As a mother she is great with kids, like I say financially she hasn't a clue or emtionally, I hear what your saying I often think of walking away but I caused this mess and can't bear that thought I just think if she opened up she would see but who am I kidding? It's the emtional difference almost like it ain't happening this situation.there are times it's like were together recently we went to her family members party and her cousin commented how happy we all looked and such a wonderful family and all that. Like I say people say she is harder now but they don't quite get the shutout I experience and when I questioned her about it she can't see it ? Like I say she's oblivious,like she's in her own world. I just try to keep things normal as poss for kids it won't take me back as I'm stronger now and learnt my leesons.the girl I love is still there but weather she will ever come out is something else, she is still caring in a way and not nasty just emotionless

[TXGuy]

Stop sending her money. Get custody and child support worked out thru the courts. Get your own place so the kids can stay there. Fight for 50/50 custody and no child support. If she sees the gravy train leaving, she might become more reasonable. Right now she has no incentive not to be a parasite.

[Stuyg3578]

I wouldn't call her a parasite, she doesn't ask me for money just what she is legally entitled to. She is to proud and stubborn for that.i just know she us struggling financially.thats one thing that concerns as to where her head is at and her priorities. As to custody because of work and joint debt I need to work full time and with the amount of child support for 3 kids it's impossible to run a home for myself and pay child support aswell which is about £400 per month.so because of her mishaps for the want of a better word with money I decided to pay mortgage which is £430 month to ensure the kids as her have a roof over there head, the rest debt bills etc I leave to her, as I have my own bills and rent to pay.sooner or later I will crack or she will fold something has to give.it sounds like a lot of people think I'm dumb or making this worse fir being so nice but as I said before I feel responsible for this and that won't change I had it all beautiful kids a home a dog and beautiful wife and because of depression I lost it, I suppose in a way it she really is depressed that's y I put up with it cause I swore to stand by her no matter what, even if she didn't or couldn't.if you understand that. I think there are deep issues or she has turned into a completely different person but I suppose when situation reaches boiling point is when I will find out. I hope soneone out there understands, I know for a fact depression changes personality

[TXGuy]

I'm not sure if I understand your position. Earlier, you claimed you were paying more than twice your legal obligation and she complained it was not enough. More recently you claim you are just paying her what she is legally entitled to.

 

I'm not very familiar with uk domestic relations law, but I was under the impression the followed what us yanks call 'common law marriage.' If that is the case (it might not be), then you would have to worry about her growing debts being assigned to you.

 

You are in a bit of a messy, muddy legal situation that could have significant legal and financial implications. Even if your plan is to reconcile, it would be prudent to speak with an attorney to determine your rights and responsibilities.

[Stuyg3578]

Yea I did okay double what I should last year, I should've payed about £4500 instead it was nearer £8500, but since Xmas I've drastically cut the money down as I had to pay more rent where in staying and since then ive realised her money managing issues. The law states I have to give 20-25 per cent if my pay with 3 kids, and I cannot by law I cannot make get sell the house until my youngest child is 18 she is currently 4! Yes I'm in a sticky situation and that's y I'm here for advise I suppose but this more emtional damage to me.maybe it's pay back or karma. But my kids don't even know! I feel like at times a glorified babysitter

[Stuyg3578]

Oh and she never said what I gave wasn't enough I don't remember saying that, this is all about emtional shutdown,and why or how she can carry in like this. And about joint debt that is why I took over mortgage rather than give her money as I know then the most important debt the mortgage is paid.i just can't understand her emtional state toward me which just happend over nite and head in the sand attitude toward this all, as I say my kids think we are still very much in love! Wtf

[TXGuy]

Oh and she never said what I gave wasn't enough I don't remember saying that, this is all about emtional shutdown,and why or how she can carry in like this.

 

I reread it and you're right, she didn't say that. I read that into post #5 where she did something with a loan and stated she is going to start doing things for her.

 

As complex as your potential legal problems are, the emotional side of this must be even tougher. You cant make her/wish her into wanting to reconcile or work on the relationship. What about the idea of moving back in to your house with her. That might make it more difficult to avoid discussing what the next steps should be.

Edited May 1, 2014 by TXGuy

[Haydn]

Sorry you are going through this. The best, maybe, go through the courts and establish the custody issue. Should be 50/50. Then work on moving on past this terrible time.

[Stuyg3578]

I have thought of that but to b honest in scared of her emotionally. I'm a big lad not much intimidates me but she does now n that ain't right

[Stuyg3578]

I spoke to her last nite or at least tried, I just got from her that she's not an emtional person and then she admitted she's entionally shutdown then she denied saying that just 5 min later! I try to explain this situation that I'm finding it hard and I'm trying my hardest for her financially by paying rent and mortgage but she just says other people can do it? WTf it's so frustrating.i admit I cried about the fact I miss my family and my best friend she said we can be that again but talking about this don't help? I'm like hello I've just told me ur shutdown and I shoulder all the blame from my depression previous which she then says it ain't your fault she seems lifeless her body language looks shutdown! Also I may b losing my main job and only then have fire service to rely on for income, her reply is well if u lose that job well have to sell the house like it means nothing to her not botherd! That's my kids home and I'm trying to help and keep them all ok and I get I'm just not emtional anymore, she used to be at tines I remember makin her cry happy tears I have seen her change to stone and along with my kids asking me to come home which she witnesses I feel like shaking her! How can I approach her about making getting help or is she beyond that

[Bruce Leigh]

How can I approach her about making getting help or is she beyond that

 

Nothing you say will make her get help but you need to act for yourself.

You say you cant take anymore but you go back for more.

 

Until your actions match what you are saying this will continue to drag on and on. If she cant " wake up " then at the very least you can.

 

Good luck.

[Stuyg3578]

Well today I went to bank and removed myself from the joint account although I had to get her to sign paperwork for it and explained I want to make a fresh start. She didn't say a lot really other than she doesn't know what to say? But she did say we will always be a family no matter what, now correct me if I'm wrong but in the sense if the word a family we are not. It's so hard as no matter what I want to stand by her and get her back to person she was but all the while she says she feels emtionless there is nothin I can say or do to get her to see why she is like she is.she is good with kids but I see and do a lot more with them, everyday off I'm there takin them swimming the park walking the dog doing homework or keeping entertained by going out etc. If not I'm at the house with the kids and she is there making tea.if she goes to her mums or sisters ill put the kids to bed.irs so emtionally draining especially when my kids ask me when in coming home and why do I have to work a lot.she seems completely selfish but only when I confront her with anythin.which maybe is me being blind but I've never seen her like she has been since we split in 11 years.im to soft yesterday I was arranging hotel accomodation for her when she sees justin timber lake next month just to help her I know slot of people will say I make it easy but I'm just being myself and can't be something I'm not and be hard! Please help