Long term boyfriend, but interested in someone else..

[valentinecookie]

Hello everyone. I am new here, and I'm looking for some advice about this situation I am in. My boyfriend (let's call him N) and I have been dating for about 2 and a half years. I've liked him for 3 years prior to dating, and I honestly thought that he was my one and only soul mate. We both got serious pretty quickly once we started dating. Probably around 3 months into our relationship we already started saying "I love you" to each other and thinking about our future together. We would hang out for hours every day without getting tired of one another. Basically, what I'm saying is that he and I were inseparable and absolutely in love. However, ever since a few months ago, I haven't been feeling the same about him... I've been thinking about it a lot, and I realize that he feels more like a brother to me than a boyfriend. I know I feel extremely comfortable around him because he knows everything about me and accepted me for who I am, but I don't think that spark of love is there for me anymore.

Now let's add the other guy to the story. I met this guy (let's call him C) online a couple months ago, and I really think I like him. He's honestly the most genuine person I've ever met. He's selfless, caring, hilarious, incredibly sweet, and very trustworthy. We share a bunch of similar interests, and we can talk for hours every day. We have also told each other some of our secrets, so we are pretty close. I know most folks online are creeps and fakes, but I just KNOW that this guy is genuine. I've also talked to him on the phone, I know what he looks like, and we planned on meeting sometime this year.

I know this is unfair for my boyfriend, but I can't help it... The best thing to do is probably end it with N, right? But I can't seem to be able to do that because he was my first true boyfriend, I've been with him so long, and I've shared EVERYTHING with him(including my bad past, which he accepted and also my virginity. He was my first for everything)

Also, my love for N started fading before I met C, so it's not like I changed BECAUSE of C. C just happened to come along later.

I think I want something to happen between me and C, but I know I need to let go of N first and I just can't seem to do that.

I probably answered my own questions, but I would still like to receive some input or opinions from other people...

Thank you.

[Chocolat]

Let N go. Ideally, take some time to understand why that R didn't work before jumping into something new with C, but I'm guessing this won't happen.

 

N deserves your honesty. Carrying on with C behind N's back, even if it's just an EA for now, is wrong.

[BradJacobs]

You've never met C?

 

Lol.

 

Get ready for the reality of him not living up to the fantasy of him.

[Ruby Slippers]

You're thinking of leaving your loving, loyal boyfriend for a man you've never even met? That sounds completely insane to me.

 

Also, even if C turns out to be as amazing as you think he is, what are you going to do when you start to view C as a brother - leapfrog over to G?

 

It's normal for the initial feelings of infatuation to wane with time, but there are many things you can do to fall in love with your lover again. I suggest you start looking into that.

[DArtagnan2]

You should have gotten honest with N prior to even talking to C so not to confuse reality with the fantasy of what C may or may not be.

 

its too late now to stop the damage, so tell N your feelings and wrap that up regardless of what you and C will have. Just be mindful that what you may get from C may not be all that you are thinking. Happens more times then not. but regardless, if you are not in to N, you need to clean that up since you haven't bothered to before now involving someone else in the mess.

[marcjb]

Why do so many girls have the grass is greener syndrome? They think that just because they have a million options they need to try all of them. I'm so sick of this world with so many people treating perfectly good relationships like people are disposable today. No one wants to put work in. Everyone thinks the infatuation stage is love... it's sickening really.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/474808-happiness-unrealistic-expectations-dumper

[InnocentMan]

You need to tell C that you have to slow **** down a little. Then you have to deal with you and N. If C is as awesome as you think he is, he'll wait. You're basically cheating on your bf, when he has been perfectly nice with you. You at least owe him a clean break before you start anything with this C dude.

 

Before you make any rash decisions, be aware that C is only showing you his good side, as most people do when trying to attract someone. N on the other hand, is showing you the reality of himself. If you don't want to be a part of that reality, talk it out, then either try again, or end it swiftly.

 

Considering it's your first relationship, it probably wouldn't have lasted forever. That's not to say that you need to end it on a really sour note by betraying him, which is what you are currently doing.

 

In summary, cool things with C, and resolve the situation with N.

[Mo_Do]

Tell your "boyfriend" how you've been talking to some other guy online and on the phone all day for months and the rest will take care of itself.

 

He'll dump you right before you visit the other guy and realize he's nothing what you thought he'd be, then you'll be alone.

 

Good luck with it!

 

/sarcasm

 

Again...PLEASE can we get a separate section on here for the kids making stupid posts like this

[Catwoman13]

I'm sorry but I'm gonna be straight - I totally disagree with your whole approach to this. It is simply just not fair to line someone else up whilst you pluck up the courage to make a decision and let one of them go. Whether or not you have admitted it to yourself, it sounds as though you might have gotten yourself involved in an emotional affair of sorts, with this online guy. Right now, this idea of connection is something you are able to think about because of that reason - he is online and you haven't met, ergo, you haven't "made it real." But your feelings are real. So you should listen to those.

 

If you don't see yourself in a long-term future with your current boyfriend - and I know it's painful when you really do love someone - but you have to see the wood from the trees here and admit first to yourself the truth of your situation. Just because he is your "first everything" does not give you the right to monopolise a good man from saving time of his precious life to get over you and find new love elsewhere if you cannot give him the commitment he wants and deserves. Imagine if it was the other way around. We confuse our feelings with what to do right by another person when our feelings will affect them directly, because we are afraid to hurt someone, but it hurts more to go behind someone's back - the slow distancing can be more destructive than opening up and being honest about your feelings, for both parties, especially you. Not about this online guy, I note, simply just on the way you honestly feel. Because when we don't speak up and don't feel able to be really honest about how we truly feel, we never quite feel sure who we ourselves really are, since we don't own anything properly. Also, I don't know if you have at all broached the subject of feeling distant with your boyfriend because you didn't say if you had tried to talk, but you never know, if you haven't, what feelings might come up from that conversation. If he knows all your secrets already, why is he left out of this one?

 

You may well end up realising you are happy the way things are, maybe you just need to spice things up a little again, or maybe you're just not ready for staying with this guy for the real long-term. I don't judge on this personally by saying all this - this online guy may be the thing you needed to see what you were missing, now the real matter is, do you want to have those feelings in a relationship, if so, with whom, and if it is not your current boyfriend, to be strong and end it? It sounds as though you are both very comfortable with each other - and everything you shared does stand for something, it just may be that you have grown up and changed a bit from when you first started.

 

Last note on this online guy: please be careful!! Have you seen the show Catfish?? I would be cautious in telling someone personal secrets whom I had never met in person. I would be very careful meeting someone in real life who I met online. No matter how "trustworthy" they look on the screen, unless you have video chatted or met in real life you can't trust anything.

[ASG]

Why do so many girls have the grass is greener syndrome? They think that just because they have a million options they need to try all of them. I'm so sick of this world with so many people treating perfectly good relationships like people are disposable today. No one wants to put work in. Everyone thinks the infatuation stage is love... it's sickening really.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/474808-happiness-unrealistic-expectations-dumper

 

Why do men who have been dumped think women shouldn't be allowed to dumo them??

 

What you are saying is that women should settle for something less than what they want/need.

This girl thought she had found the one. And then she started feeling differently. The spark was gone, she's no longer in love with her boyfriend, even though she loves him dearly and doesn't want to let go.

But the truth is, her feelings have now led her to meet other guys. this C, in the case in point. But even if it wasn't THIS guy, it would have been ANOTHER guy, because she just isn't happy in the relationship anymore!

 

Why is that not acceptable??? Why should she sacrifice her happiness?

 

Now, to the OP, you need to break up with N. It's not fair to him. You need to sort yourself out.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Why do men who have been dumped think women shouldn't be allowed to dumo them??

 

What you are saying is that women should settle for something less than what they want/need.

This girl thought she had found the one. And then she started feeling differently. The spark was gone, she's no longer in love with her boyfriend, even though she loves him dearly and doesn't want to let go.

But the truth is, her feelings have now led her to meet other guys. this C, in the case in point. But even if it wasn't THIS guy, it would have been ANOTHER guy, because she just isn't happy in the relationship anymore!

 

Why is that not acceptable??? Why should she sacrifice her happiness?

 

Now, to the OP, you need to break up with N. It's not fair to him. You need to sort yourself out.

 

I'm with you. It seems like the underlying belief on this site is that considering your options, whilst "in a relationship," is wrong. Not only is this counter-intuitive to the process of dating, whereby we seek the best, most compatible match to commit to in marriage, but it is not consistent with reality, where many, if not most, do tend to line someone up before making a break.

 

If OP was married, her behavior would be wrong, but the fact is, she's not. She's not even engaged, just dating, so considering her options is exactly what she should be doing at this point in her life.

 

That said, getting any more involved with another guy while she still has a boyfriend would be emotionally messy, so I recommend she break it off before proceeding further with C.

 

op, theres no telling whats ahead, whether or not it'll work with this guy, but part of the fun is taking that risk to find out.

[lil_missy]

how did you meeting this guy online? does this mean you were online dating while in a relationship with your boyfriend? in that case this new guy didnt just come along as you would have us believe, but you were seeking him out. that is so wrong.

[Salvatore85]

Why do men who have been dumped think women shouldn't be allowed to dumo them??

 

What you are saying is that women should settle for something less than what they want/need.

This girl thought she had found the one. And then she started feeling differently. The spark was gone, she's no longer in love with her boyfriend, even though she loves him dearly and doesn't want to let go.

But the truth is, her feelings have now led her to meet other guys. this C, in the case in point. But even if it wasn't THIS guy, it would have been ANOTHER guy, because she just isn't happy in the relationship anymore!

 

Why is that not acceptable??? Why should she sacrifice her happiness?

 

Now, to the OP, you need to break up with N. It's not fair to him. You need to sort yourself out.

 

Because people are absolutely obsessed with the honey moon phase and completely confuse this with "spark". What's happening in her relationship right now is going to happen again with this next guy. The more comfortable you get with someone the more things move away from the honeymoon phase, it's natural. Relationships take work, they aren't supposed to be easy and you aren't always going to be completely in love with the person you're with.

 

The worst possible way to fix the situation she was in with her long-term relationship was bring in someone new. Not only did she not at least attempt to fix the relationship she's currently in she's basically been emotionally cheating for quite awhile. If you really feel like you've fallen out of love with someone than handle it maturely and do not drag someone you've "loved" for an extended period of time through hell for selfish reasons. She's basically moved on already whilst her partner has stayed dedicated to their relationship. It's completely absurd, he deserves better from her.

[DArtagnan2]

I'm with you. It seems like the underlying belief on this site is that considering your options, whilst "in a relationship," is wrong. Not only is this counter-intuitive to the process of dating, whereby we seek the best, most compatible match to commit to in marriage, but it is not consistent with reality, where many, if not most, do tend to line someone up before making a break.

 

Its not an underlying belief on the site more then a personal preference and possibly a little morals, respect and consideration mixed in with it. If you are in a "relationship" then "dating" isn't something I would think would be going on. Unless you are in an open relationship and all parties are Ok with the other partner engaging in emotional or physical interactions with another. Maybe its a definition of "relationship" that many of us are varying on, but regardless, the OP mentioned this was a Long term relationship, which seems to constitute its an exclusive relationship. If so, then I would hope most would agree, that you shouldn't be seeking "options" whilst in a relationship like this.

 

More times then not, its not that someone is "lining someone up before the breakup" as much as it is that someones head was turned by what seems to be a better option because the lack of proper care of the current relationship, by either party. Once someone finds another that appears to be a better "option" any commitment, plans or anything that had been in place for so long, is now something that isn't viable anymore. The OP did say her feelings had changed prior, but at the same time, she still stuck around and only now, is in the midst of needing to end it... with the new guy waiting in the wings. She has been going behind her current long term boyfriends back to engage with this guy for a while now. To me, that is just not a considerate, moral or proper thing to do to another human being, especially someone you entered in to a committed "loving" relationship.

 

Clean up one mess before you get in to another..

Edited May 1, 2014 by DArtagnan2

[Omei]

Gigsssssss

 

You will regret it when hes gone. Man#1

[ASG]

Because people are absolutely obsessed with the honey moon phase and completely confuse this with "spark". What's happening in her relationship right now is going to happen again with this next guy. The more comfortable you get with someone the more things move away from the honeymoon phase, it's natural. Relationships take work, they aren't supposed to be easy and you aren't always going to be completely in love with the person you're with.

 

The worst possible way to fix the situation she was in with her long-term relationship was bring in someone new. Not only did she not at least attempt to fix the relationship she's currently in she's basically been emotionally cheating for quite awhile. If you really feel like you've fallen out of love with someone than handle it maturely and do not drag someone you've "loved" for an extended period of time through hell for selfish reasons. She's basically moved on already whilst her partner has stayed dedicated to their relationship. It's completely absurd, he deserves better from her.

 

Yeah, but sometimes, once the honeymoon phase is done, there really is nothing left!

 

I'm assuming the OP is quite young. Probably very early 20's, started dating her BF in HS or something.

I had a relationship like that, only he wasn't my first love. In that relationship, we dated for 2,5 years. The first... 6 months were amazing! After that things died down a bit... We stayed together, but there was no spark at all. On the last year of our relationship, we had sex TWICE! And we're talking about 20 year olds! TWICE!

 

We very rarely went out just the two of us. It was always a get together with friends thing.

 

Honestly, we were just best friends that kissed and held hands. We weren't in love. And we broke up. He was the dumper, and I was shocked. But then I saw where he was coming from. I wasnt happy. He wasn't happy. Why should we have stayed together when we had no real physical intimacy?

 

We never had arguments. Well... small ones, yes, but no big fights. We were best friends! We loved each other but weren't IN LOVE.

 

Now tell me, why aren't people allowed to break up with their SO when their relationships don«t make them happy???

I know PLENTY of relationships that have been going on for DONKEYS YEARS where the two people are still very much in love. It's almost like the honeymoon period never ended, even though it's long gone. They exist and I don't think it's wrong to search for THAT relationship!!

[Stillits]

If you have to line someone up before you have the courage to break up with your current partner, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're incapable of being at peace with yourself. I perceive this as a highly unattractive trait. That said, I agree, I see it happen more than not, but moreso out of fear of being alone.

[marcjb]

I know PLENTY of relationships that have been going on for DONKEYS YEARS where the two people are still very much in love. It's almost like the honeymoon period never ended, even though it's long gone. They exist and I don't think it's wrong to search for THAT relationship!!

 

You're not actually in those relationships with those people. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. EVERY relationship has its honeymoon phase. After that, it takes WORK. THAT is real love, not the honeymoon phase.

[Salvatore85]

Yeah, but sometimes, once the honeymoon phase is done, there really is nothing left!

 

I'm assuming the OP is quite young. Probably very early 20's, started dating her BF in HS or something.

I had a relationship like that, only he wasn't my first love. In that relationship, we dated for 2,5 years. The first... 6 months were amazing! After that things died down a bit... We stayed together, but there was no spark at all. On the last year of our relationship, we had sex TWICE! And we're talking about 20 year olds! TWICE!

 

We very rarely went out just the two of us. It was always a get together with friends thing.

 

Honestly, we were just best friends that kissed and held hands. We weren't in love. And we broke up. He was the dumper, and I was shocked. But then I saw where he was coming from. I wasnt happy. He wasn't happy. Why should we have stayed together when we had no real physical intimacy?

 

We never had arguments. Well... small ones, yes, but no big fights. We were best friends! We loved each other but weren't IN LOVE.

 

Now tell me, why aren't people allowed to break up with their SO when their relationships don«t make them happy???

I know PLENTY of relationships that have been going on for DONKEYS YEARS where the two people are still very much in love. It's almost like the honeymoon period never ended, even though it's long gone. They exist and I don't think it's wrong to search for THAT relationship!!

 

You're perfectly allowed to break up, she's not doing that though. She's dragging her current boyfriend along while she figures things out with this new guy. If you actually think her boyfriend isn't going to be completely blindsided by this than you're crazy. This is wrong and people need to be more mature when dealing with situations like this.