Seeing a man who's not looking for anything 'Serious"

[kaylan]

It does take two to tango honey but when they are tangoing(?) to a different tune it just isn't right. He took advantage pure and simple and led you on.

I agree. I dont give a gal the impression that I may want a relationship unless I really do want one.

"Should" however I think most go into it like I did. They think hey I like this guy, he has an issue, I understand why. Sure we can hang and see where this leads.

 

However most don't realise it's not leading anywhere and he just goes along with it because he's getting what he wants and at the end of the day can say "hey I told you I didn't want anything serious"

 

It's partly naive, I have learnt that lesson. However I also think that people like that take advantage of the naive because they don't leave their cards on the table. They scatter a few and see where it gets them.

Girls should take a guy at his word. If he says nothing serious, it means that. I dont get why so many women think they will win the guy over. If he was really into you, he wouldnt risk losing you by not locking down exclusivity.

 

Granted I usually try and make sure a woman is on the same page as I am before anything physical happens between us, so neither she or I get hurt. But sometimes its not preventable. Some people will hide their feelings and say they only want casual, and then things get messy after the sex.

[saltyfishhead666]

But you have learned now, right? You are no longer naive to this, correct? Now you know to find out his intentions before you have sex.

 

Haha yeah I've learnt that lesson now thankfully. It's not one I will be making again.

 

It's just a shame that you have to learn it the hard way.

 

Then again I was dating (or so I thought) for a couple of months so I wasted a lot of time on someone who didn't deserve it, that was even more of a lesson for me personally.

[saltyfishhead666]

I agree. I dont give a gal the impression that I may want a relationship unless I really do want one.

Girls should take a guy at his word. If he says nothing serious, it means that. I dont get why so many women think they will win the guy over. If he was really into you, he wouldnt risk losing you by not locking down exclusivity.

 

Granted I usually try and make sure a woman is on the same page as I am before anything physical happens between us, so neither she or I get hurt. But sometimes its not preventable. Some people will hide their feelings and say they only want casual, and then things get messy after the sex.

 

I agree completely! I think it's extremely shadey that a man would be on a different page to a woman (knowingly) and still do it anyway. That's a horrible

Thing to do.

 

I have no idea why women think they can change a mans mind and bring him around to their view. I wish it wasn't so. I think it's a woman thing haha

[saltyfishhead666]

Did he rape her? She made a choice to sleep with him within a few weeks.

 

Within a few weeks, neither he nor her had the knowledge or knew each other enough to know if they wanted a relationship with each other or not.

 

When did dating or sleeping with someone become a marriage and till death due us part?

 

Perhaps ladies should hold off sleeping with guy for more than a few weeks if there are strings attached to it or believe it's an indication they are in a committed relationship?

 

 

 

 

He didn't mislead her. He felt one way and changed his mind in a few weeks. I don't even know if I like someone or want a relationship in a few weeks and neither did she. As we now see, she didn't know him very well now did she?

 

The fact that they both agreed to have sex has nothing to do with it. Sex = Does not equal a committed relationship

 

 

 

You don't know that he changed his mind now do you. All signs point too that he knew what he was after he just didn't choose to share that with the op because he wouldn't get what he wanted.

 

I do agree women should hold off on the sex thing. As awesome as it is if your intentions and your bed buddies intentions don't match it can cause an awful lot of upset.

 

Dating and sleeping with someone is no where close to marriage, no one indicates that it does. However the bloke should have been open with the op beforehand and allowed her to make an informed decision based on his genuine intentions. He didn't do that, he told her one thing, got the good stuff and then "held his hands up" and said I don't want a relationship. That is a horrible thing to do to someone.

 

Such a shame you can't take people at face value anymore.

[aussietigerwolf]

The man says he is controlling, has major trust issues with women and is not looking for anything serious, believe him on all counts. I'd run so fast you'd have to Fed Ex my shadow to me.

I agree... After he said all that id be running for the hills.

[saltyfishhead666]

It is IMPOSSIBLE for her to know what kind of guy that he is or his intentions.

 

SURPRISE, the results prove it.

 

She should love herself, protect her heart better, be more thoughtful, careful with who / when she sleeps with someone. Not leave that up to someone else she doesn't know or his intentions?

 

 

 

That believe that is a dangerous way to think and go through life.

 

We are accountable for the choices we make. We are responsible to be kind and good to ourselves. We should have our own boundaries and hold ourselves and others accountable to them.

 

Not hand all those over to someone. Certainly not to someone we do not know and talked to for a few weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

When people ask someone out. They are attracted to them physically in the very least. Now they may or may not be interested in pursing a Romantic relationship. Even if you go in with that mindset, it's still IMPOSSIBLE to know in a couple of weeks because you do not know the person or their intentions. (As the OP and her story clearly shows)

 

I am sure the op will look after herself a little better in future because of this.

 

You are also correct that we make decisions for ourselves however they are usually based on something. The fella should have been

Open with her from the get go and her decision was based on falseness.

 

It's a shame that that is the case, however she will learn her lesson just like many women will in the future I'm sure.

 

One thing I personally have learnt is not to take men at face value. There are many cruel men and women who do things like this and far worse and it's simply not worth it.

[Bigcitydreamer]

One of my friends recently started hanging out/ dating/ sleeping with a guy who said he didn't want a girlfriend right now. Red flags went up for me and I was sure she would get played, 3 months later he asked her to be his gf. This situation blew everything I thought I knew about dating out of the window. I guess some guys are genuinely not looking for a gf so they say this so they can't get blamed for sleeping with them, but potentially things can progress. Usually if I was in this situation I would have bailed, now I'm not 100% sure what I'd do.

 

As for the sex before clarifying where he stood issue, I don't really buy into that. As other posters have said sex does not equal a committed relationship. Lots of girls don't assume that if a guy wants to sleep with you then they must want a relationship. I actually assume most guys would be willing to sleep with me but a lot fewer would be willing to commit to me long term. That's why when I make the decision to sleep with someone I don't hold all of these attachments to it. If I make that decision I'm doing it for myself, not to please someone else so that they will want a relationship with me.

[StanMusial]

Not really sure how to handle this situation so I'd love for you all to shed some light on the matter for me.

 

Ive been talking to a guy for a few weeks. We have many mutual friends and we decided it would be cool to get to know each other. He was really adamant about meeting me, so we set up a day. Then , the same day his plans changed. He said family was coming over and if I wanted to meet him and his buddy at a restaurant that night prior, it would be cool. We met, had fun and he set up another date. He ended up cooking dinner for me, etc. It went well. Now we've been talking a few weeks and we've had several dates and I casually asked him what his intentions were. (I only asked this after he told me he was married, his ex wife left him for another man,he hates her, all his ex's have cheated, he said he has been controlling in his relationships because he needs to be..brought up the fact that he was a man whore after his divorce and screwed woman over). He said " I'm open to having fun. Honestly not looking for anything serious. A lot is being put on my plate with work but who knows, I can't predict the future. I just can't rush into things. I'd like to chill and get to know you. It's too often I trust woman".

 

To that I replied that I didn't want to rush anything. That the whole point of dating is to get to know a person, have fun, see if your compatible, if you can trust one another etc. Rushing is never good.

 

But, I am a little iffy. I've heard this from other men in the past, and they wanted nothing more than a hook up. I think the whole "serious" line simply means they don't want to date YOU. I made it clear to this man I am NOT going to be someone's hook up. I also told him that after a few months of dating someone, if it doesn't progress, I simply move on.

 

 

 

Should I just move on from this now? I am not looking for this man to be my boyfriend right away, I believe in dating at least two months prior to making judgement on a person and making such a decision. But I do see potential. And as I said, I'm not one to play games. I'm not sure how to proceed.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Not one of your mutual friends ever mentioned he might be playing?

 

It sounds like you are playing yourself.

[FitChick]

Looks like I'm the only person who spotted that this man is still MARRIED.

[Leigh 87]

Almost all these men who claim to not want anything serious, would absolutely want something serious with the right woman.

 

It normally means I don't want anything serious with you but you are good enough for sex and company.

 

Some FWB guys do genuinely like their girls. They just don't have strong enough feelings to date them seriously.

 

I have yet to see a man who was into playing the field pass a girl by if he fell hard for her.

[nancysarah88]

Firstly, thank you everyone for your advice! I really appreciate it.

 

 

To be honest, I'm not horribly upset about it nor am I upset about the sex issue so to speak. I made that decision on my own fully knowing he could turn out to be someone he is not, I am really not mad nor upset about that.

 

I am just wondering HOW to proceed. Like I said, we hardly know each other and he may genuinely be extremely cautious. He was married at 20 (he is 26 now)and divorced a few years later. She left in a horrible way, it was very public and it's known in this town. He's never had a good girl friend frankly. His last gf had problems with pills. That is the only bad thing our mutual friends had said about him. Many did say he has his guard up, he doesn't put up with crap anymore and to take it slow with him. But that he is an amazing guy etc.

 

I do not want to totally cut him off just because of baggage. I do not want to be in a relationship RIGHT now but I see potential in him. I don't want to date someone like him and I are currently, if there is no chance at all of a relationship. If that makes sense.

 

 

Honestly, I am just not sure how to go about this now. When we are together we enjoy each others company. I think as I said, I may back off a bit and if we do hangout, it will be in a friend like way. He can get to know me as a friend first I suppose. I don't want to push a good guy away but I also don't want to get into something I shouldn't.

[nancysarah88]

I totally disagree.

 

When my friends and I were in our 20s, there was not a woman on the planet that we would be serious with. We dated around A LOT and the only thing we were interested in with women is new "strange".

 

Hate to break it too you... Life isn't always a Disney or Romantic Comedy.

 

 

 

LOL! Don't kid yourself. It has NOTHING to do with feelings.

 

In our 20s we had ONS / FWB / Booty Calls with women we disliked A LOT and some we even hated. You know the entitled stuck up girls who thought the sun rose and set on their asses. Those were are favorite "targets" and we only did it for the challenge and to high five each other.

 

 

 

Well I am man and have plenty of male friends and our history / experiences are completely different than what you have seen.

 

 

I think people need to get to know each other so I hardly doubt a man will stop playing around if he's interested in a girl he just met, so I would never expect that.

 

Thanks, I agree with you. I should probably use my brain more when it comes to these sort of things. I defiantly need to wait longer before sex. That was a huge no no on my end. I will learn from this. Like I said in my previous post, I am not horribly upset. Just wondering how to proceed. He could be a good guy, he could not be. It's how I act from here on out is what is important.

[nancysarah88]

Still married? Where did you gather that from in my post? I said divorced and has been for YEARS. Married at 20 his high school sweetheart. Then divorced two years later. She is now married to the man she left him for. I wouldn't be dating a married man!.

Looks like I'm the only person who spotted that this man is still MARRIED.

[nancysarah88]

Not one of your mutual friends ever mentioned he might be playing?

 

It sounds like you are playing yourself.

Actually, everyone had nice things to say about him. They told me about his bad luck, but they all said he's an amazing guy. NOTHING bad at all and told me to go for it.

[nancysarah88]

Looks like I'm the only person who spotted that this man is still MARRIED.

Never mind. I can see why you thought that due to my wording. Sorry about that. but no he is not married.

[saltyfishhead666]

Looks like I'm the only person who spotted that this man is still MARRIED.

 

She may state he's still married but he could very well be separated.

 

I realise more so in the states that this seems frowned upon (not so much in the uk)

 

However divorce can talk a very long time and be very costly. Some people agree to the divorce and some point blank refuse to sign.

 

Just because someone is "technically" still married doesn't make them undatable

[saltyfishhead666]

Almost all these men who claim to not want anything serious, would absolutely want something serious with the right woman.

 

It normally means I don't want anything serious with you but you are good enough for sex and company.

 

Some FWB guys do genuinely like their girls. They just don't have strong enough feelings to date them seriously.

 

I have yet to see a man who was into playing the field pass a girl by if he fell hard for her.

 

I few months ago I would have thought the above statement was false until someone on OLD who was looking for a serious relationship asked if I wanted some "fun" when asked why he was asking me that when it wasn't his intention stated on his profile he said - who cares.

 

Then I found out the bloke was happy to sleep with me (didn't happen didn't even want to meet him after this) however wouldn't want anymore more with ME

[nancysarah88]

You got a couple of BIG things working against you.

 

1. He told you what the deal is. Believe him.

 

2. He has been divorced for a few years and still in his mid 20s.

 

This guy just isn't in a place today, tomorrow or even in a few years from now. I'd guess early 30s before he is open to what you want and are looking for.

 

You are not the type of person who can have "fun" and just date him whenever / however unless it means something and going somewhere.

 

Every way you look at this, you end up hurt.

 

If you want to try to have "fun" go for it but you aren't getting more than that.

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

He is still texting me after this talk and talking about future dates etc. I think I'll just stop seeing him all together. I'll just tell him we don't want the same things and I think we are better off as friends. You're right. He did tell me he's not ready. So he's not.

[saltyfishhead666]

Actually, everyone had nice things to say about him. They told me about his bad luck, but they all said he's an amazing guy. NOTHING bad at all and told me to go for it.

 

I have bad luck op - I will give you a taste of my back luck

 

Married to a man who had 4 other fiancés - including unknown children.

 

When I got over that I met a separated man, who wasn't separated, his wife and kids where just in the states and he was stationed here

 

Both men I have a child with neither see either of them.

 

Now dating bad luck -

 

Copious amounts of horrific dates

 

Someone I dated was sent to prison about 8 weeks ago from murdering a women he dated from OLD.

 

The next one was on the sex offenders register

 

That is bad luck, bad luck isn't having one person play around on you and then go around bonking women when your intentions aren't clear.

 

While I understand why he wouldn't want a relationship right now (it took me 3 years after my marriage ended) like I said unless you are willing to be his f*ck toy you aren't going to be anything more for a very long time if ever. T

 

That is setting yourself up for a massive fall and some serious hurt. By all means be his friend, however... NOTHING more than that.

[TigerLilly78]

Any man who claims he doesn't want anything serious basically means he wants sex and companionship without any commitment. He wants a whore but is too cheap to pay for one. He wants all the benefits of a relationship without having to contribute anything. Get the hint?

This 100% listen to another guy there's no one better to take this kind of advice from after all.. I give this dude a tiny bit of credit cause he was honest with you as to his intentions your just choosing to second guess it and maybe hoping he meant something else. I would prob move on and limit the "friendship" as much as I could since he's already gotten it once he's prob going to try for seconds and that doesn't seam to be what you really want I've seen it time and again "friends with benefit's" never works for the women cause we always get attached..

[nancysarah88]

This 100% listen to another guy there's no one better to take this kind of advice from after all.. I give this dude a tiny bit of credit cause he was honest with you as to his intentions your just choosing to second guess it and maybe hoping he meant something else. I would prob move on and limit the "friendship" as much as I could since he's already gotten it once he's prob going to try for seconds and that doesn't seam to be what you really want I've seen it time and again "friends with benefit's" never works for the women cause we always get attached..

 

Yes FWB would NOT work for me. I'm about to fly out for a vacation for a week actually. He planned a date for when I get back but I will just tell him I think we should cancel.

[TigerLilly78]

Yes FWB would NOT work for me. I'm about to fly out for a vacation for a week actually. He planned a date for when I get back but I will just tell him I think we should cancel.

 

 

Good for you don't let yourself get used ever..congrats enjoy the vacation by the way..