nancysarah88 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Not really sure how to handle this situation so I'd love for you all to shed some light on the matter for me. Ive been talking to a guy for a few weeks. We have many mutual friends and we decided it would be cool to get to know each other. He was really adamant about meeting me, so we set up a day. Then , the same day his plans changed. He said family was coming over and if I wanted to meet him and his buddy at a restaurant that night prior, it would be cool. We met, had fun and he set up another date. He ended up cooking dinner for me, etc. It went well. Now we've been talking a few weeks and we've had several dates and I casually asked him what his intentions were. (I only asked this after he told me he was married, his ex wife left him for another man,he hates her, all his ex's have cheated, he said he has been controlling in his relationships because he needs to be..brought up the fact that he was a man whore after his divorce and screwed woman over). He said " I'm open to having fun. Honestly not looking for anything serious. A lot is being put on my plate with work but who knows, I can't predict the future. I just can't rush into things. I'd like to chill and get to know you. It's too often I trust woman". To that I replied that I didn't want to rush anything. That the whole point of dating is to get to know a person, have fun, see if your compatible, if you can trust one another etc. Rushing is never good. But, I am a little iffy. I've heard this from other men in the past, and they wanted nothing more than a hook up. I think the whole "serious" line simply means they don't want to date YOU. I made it clear to this man I am NOT going to be someone's hook up. I also told him that after a few months of dating someone, if it doesn't progress, I simply move on. Should I just move on from this now? I am not looking for this man to be my boyfriend right away, I believe in dating at least two months prior to making judgement on a person and making such a decision. But I do see potential. And as I said, I'm not one to play games. I'm not sure how to proceed. Thanks in advance.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Not really sure how to handle this situation so I'd love for you all to shed some light on the matter for me. Ive been talking to a guy for a few weeks. We have many mutual friends and we decided it would be cool to get to know each other. He was really adamant about meeting me, so we set up a day. Then , the same day his plans changed. He said family was coming over and if I wanted to meet him and his buddy at a restaurant that night prior, it would be cool. We met, had fun and he set up another date. He ended up cooking dinner for me, etc. It went well. Now we've been talking a few weeks and we've had several dates and I casually asked him what his intentions were. (I only asked this after he told me he was married, his ex wife left him for another man,he hates her, all his ex's have cheated, he said he has been controlling in his relationships because he needs to be..brought up the fact that he was a man whore after his divorce and screwed woman over). He said " I'm open to having fun. Honestly not looking for anything serious. A lot is being put on my plate with work but who knows, I can't predict the future. I just can't rush into things. I'd like to chill and get to know you. It's too often I trust woman". To that I replied that I didn't want to rush anything. That the whole point of dating is to get to know a person, have fun, see if your compatible, if you can trust one another etc. Rushing is never good. But, I am a little iffy. I've heard this from other men in the past, and they wanted nothing more than a hook up. I think the whole "serious" line simply means they don't want to date YOU. I made it clear to this man I am NOT going to be someone's hook up. I also told him that after a few months of dating someone, if it doesn't progress, I simply move on. Should I just move on from this now? I am not looking for this man to be my boyfriend right away, I believe in dating at least two months prior to making judgement on a person and making such a decision. But I do see potential. And as I said, I'm not one to play games. I'm not sure how to proceed. Thanks in advance. When I hear "I don't want anything serious" I think ok so he wants to date, have sex however still be single. That doesn't work for me, it doesn't sound like it would work for you either. I would carry on dating him if you like him, however don't hit the bedroom. I have dated and hit the bedroom "not being too serious" and basically was used as a f*ck toy. I didn't realise this until I attempted to have "the talk" and found he liked me, he liked what we had but he didn't want a girlfriend. 4
Author nancysarah88 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 When I hear "I don't want anything serious" I think ok so he wants to date, have sex however still be single. That doesn't work for me, it doesn't sound like it would work for you either. I would carry on dating him if you like him, however don't hit the bedroom. I have dated and hit the bedroom "not being too serious" and basically was used as a f*ck toy. I didn't realise this until I attempted to have "the talk" and found he liked me, he liked what we had but he didn't want a girlfriend. Too late for that. Unfortunately, I did NOT use my brain, like a complete idiot. It happens I suppose. But I agree. That is not something I am comfortable with. I will not allow myself to be used. I do really feel bad for him and understand his trust issues though, so I kind of wonder if he is genuinely wanting to get to know me? I think maybe I'll back off from "dating" him so to speak and if we hangout only do friend types of things. I have some thinking to do.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Too late for that. Unfortunately, I did NOT use my brain, like a complete idiot. It happens I suppose. But I agree. That is not something I am comfortable with. I will not allow myself to be used. I do really feel bad for him and understand his trust issues though, so I kind of wonder if he is genuinely wanting to get to know me? I think maybe I'll back off from "dating" him so to speak and if we hangout only do friend types of things. I have some thinking to do. I agree, you can see why he has those issues and rightly so. However they aren't your problem. If he has those issues he really shouldn't be dating anyway. Haha - don't worry honey, we've all been there, I felt like a bit of an idiot too. I think you have your head on straight, back off and then you'll be able to see if he's genuine and it could progress eventually, or if it's just a line like in my case 2
Phantom888 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Any man who claims he doesn't want anything serious basically means he wants sex and companionship without any commitment. He wants a whore but is too cheap to pay for one. He wants all the benefits of a relationship without having to contribute anything. Get the hint? 10
preraph Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I wouldn't blow someone off just because they have baggage, but I would blow them off for being "controlling," because this is the most miserable trait a partner can have. So ask him what he meant by being controlling and also keep your eyes open to anything controlling he does to you (tells you how to pump gas, how to drive, what to wear, keeps tabs on you, acts mad for no reason, etc.) But know going in that what he says is true: He is nowhere near ready for another serious relationship OR to get hurt. So don't keep asking him for his intentions or commitment. IF he ever reaches that point, you will be the first to know. And if you get into it a year and you're feeling you must have commitment and he hasn't moved, be open and honest with him that you two may have come as far as you can and that you need to look for a partner now. You have to be mature and in control of your emotions to handle this situation. And that's something many of us, including myself, are not. And under these circumstances, you are perfectly within your rights to not have sex with him if you don't want to. If you tend to fall for guys you sleep with for any length of time, then you better tell him that up front and see if his conscience will let him keep sleeping with you. 1
Author nancysarah88 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Any man who claims he doesn't want anything serious basically means he wants sex and companionship without any commitment. He wants a whore but is too cheap to pay for one. He wants all the benefits of a relationship without having to contribute anything. Get the hint? Thank you. I like your bluntness. Haha. But yes, I agree. He's had a slew of girlfriends as well. None lasting more then a few months or quick to end as of recently. You are probably 100% correct. Thank you. I'll back off. See how he reacts. I won't blow him off entirely. 1
Author nancysarah88 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I wouldn't blow someone off just because they have baggage, but I would blow them off for being "controlling," because this is the most miserable trait a partner can have. So ask him what he meant by being controlling and also keep your eyes open to anything controlling he does to you (tells you how to pump gas, how to drive, what to wear, keeps tabs on you, acts mad for no reason, etc.) But know going in that what he says is true: He is nowhere near ready for another serious relationship OR to get hurt. So don't keep asking him for his intentions or commitment. IF he ever reaches that point, you will be the first to know. And if you get into it a year and you're feeling you must have commitment and he hasn't moved, be open and honest with him that you two may have come as far as you can and that you need to look for a partner now. You have to be mature and in control of your emotions to handle this situation. And that's something many of us, including myself, are not. And under these circumstances, you are perfectly within your rights to not have sex with him if you don't want to. If you tend to fall for guys you sleep with for any length of time, then you better tell him that up front and see if his conscience will let him keep sleeping with you. It's very hard to stay in control with one's emotions so I'm not sure I am up for the challenge. I just dislike that a man would even pursue a woman if he is not ready. What he was saying initially insinuated he wanted a relationship eventually with me (red flag I suppose). I think as I've said earlier, backing off is my best option.
AncientEchos Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 The man says he is controlling, has major trust issues with women and is not looking for anything serious, believe him on all counts. I'd run so fast you'd have to Fed Ex my shadow to me. 6
Author nancysarah88 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I agree, you can see why he has those issues and rightly so. However they aren't your problem. If he has those issues he really shouldn't be dating anyway. Haha - don't worry honey, we've all been there, I felt like a bit of an idiot too. I think you have your head on straight, back off and then you'll be able to see if he's genuine and it could progress eventually, or if it's just a line like in my case Thanks hun! I guess the better question for me would be, why did I attract an emotionally unavailable man?
Phantom888 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 The man says he is controlling, has major trust issues with women and is not looking for anything serious, believe him on all counts. I'd run so fast you'd have to Fed Ex my shadow to me. This man has no business dating anyone. I pity the ladies who have to experience his selfishness. 2
Author nancysarah88 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 This man has no business dating anyone. I pity the ladies who have to experience his selfishness. Ya. I'm rather confused why he would even approach me in the first place. Well, I'm not confused, I know his intent, now. I just do not understand why a person would do that. But that's the real world.
AncientEchos Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I guess the better question for me would be, why did I attract an emotionally unavailable man? [FONT=Times New Roman]Ya. I'm rather confused why he would even approach me in the first place. Well, I'm not confused, I know his intent, now. I just do not understand why a person would do that. But that's the real world. [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Okay, just stop those lines of thought. You didn't do anything. Nothing you did is attracting the wrong guy to you. The guy is attracted to you, so he tried for something with you. Nothing mysterious or strange about that. You hit on enough women, you will find enough willing partners. You know he isn't good for you, so walk away and forget about it. He's a hot mess, get out while the getting is good! Go find something happy to think about. [/FONT] 2
stillafool Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Did he tell you he wasn't looking for anything serious before or after you had sex? 2
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Thanks hun! I guess the better question for me would be, why did I attract an emotionally unavailable man? Why is the sky blue? Why is blue Gatorade awesome. I have no idea. However most women come across at least one man like this in their lifetime. I strongly believe that men think they will get away with getting their cake and eating it (being single yet having all the benefits of a relationship) That says more about his character than it does yours. I fell for it and I'm no fool. I believed that "going with the flow" would eventually lead to a relationship because that's what he insinuated. It wasn't true. You deserve better and he needs to learn to leave women who are seeking more than what he can offer alone
Author nancysarah88 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Did he tell you he wasn't looking for anything serious before or after you had sex? He told me after. Before he was all about finding a good girl to be with etc.
Author nancysarah88 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 He did not "future fake" her, mislead or lie. He doesn't want a relationship with either her or in general and told her within a few weeks of meeting her. What is wrong with that? They have only been speaking a few weeks. It takes time to determine if you want something more with that person or not. Are we suppose to commit to someone we do not know and just met? I by no means want any sort of commitment from this man when we have only known each other a short while. I'd say it takes a few months to determine if someone is suitable or not. He did say he becomes exclusive with someone after sleeping with them but then his story changed when I asked his intentions. Like I said, I will simply back off. I'm not going to make it some big thing. If he's not ready, he's not ready. Although, when we first met he did say he wanted a relationship, and joked that all it took was meeting a girl like me. I think he's a tad confused.
kaylan Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 When I hear "I don't want anything serious" I think ok so he wants to date, have sex however still be single. That doesn't work for me, it doesn't sound like it would work for you either. I would carry on dating him if you like him, however don't hit the bedroom. I have dated and hit the bedroom "not being too serious" and basically was used as a f*ck toy. I didn't realise this until I attempted to have "the talk" and found he liked me, he liked what we had but he didn't want a girlfriend. If a guy tells you straight up he doesnt want anything serious, then hes not using anyone. All women should know this. A relationship is serious, so if a guy says he doesnt want anything serious, you know where you stand before sex happens 1
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 He did not "future fake" her, mislead or lie. He doesn't want a relationship with either her or in general and told her within a few weeks of meeting her. What is wrong with that? They have only been speaking a few weeks. It takes time to determine if you want something more with that person or not. Are we suppose to commit to someone we do not know and just met? He told her after he had already taken her to bed, had he have told her prior to that do you think she would have gone? Not a chance!! As for it being a short while, sure it takes time to get to know someone, it takes time to see if you could be in a happy relationship with someone and no I don't think every man should just commit to a woman because she wants it. The guy flat out misled her and then gave her the truth afterwards. That is an extremely scummy move!
kaylan Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 He told me after. Before he was all about finding a good girl to be with etc. Yeah...this guys a douche for telling you after. I find out what a girl is comfortable with beforehand. However, every adult should know to find out someones intentions before any serious connection talks or any kind of sex.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 If a guy tells you straight up he doesnt want anything serious, then hes not using anyone. All women should know this. A relationship is serious, so if a guy says he doesnt want anything serious, you know where you stand before sex happens "Should" however I think most go into it like I did. They think hey I like this guy, he has an issue, I understand why. Sure we can hang and see where this leads. However most don't realise it's not leading anywhere and he just goes along with it because he's getting what he wants and at the end of the day can say "hey I told you I didn't want anything serious" It's partly naive, I have learnt that lesson. However I also think that people like that take advantage of the naive because they don't leave their cards on the table. They scatter a few and see where it gets them.
Author nancysarah88 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 He told her after he had already taken her to bed, had he have told her prior to that do you think she would have gone? Not a chance!! As for it being a short while, sure it takes time to get to know someone, it takes time to see if you could be in a happy relationship with someone and no I don't think every man should just commit to a woman because she wants it. The guy flat out misled her and then gave her the truth afterwards. That is an extremely scummy move! I suppose I should clarify. He did insinuate he wanted a relationship before we even met, and after we met. He said he's exclusive when dating/sleeping with a girl. However, after the talk about his ex wife, his hate for her etc I figured I'd ask what exactly his intentions were. That is when he said what he said about not looking for anything serious. I would never have slept with him had I known that. But it takes two to tango, so I am as much to blame. I just think he should have been upfront from the get go. I'd have never gone out with him if that were the case. 1
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I suppose I should clarify. He did insinuate he wanted a relationship before we even met, and after we met. He said he's exclusive when dating/sleeping with a girl. However, after the talk about his ex wife, his hate for her etc I figured I'd ask what exactly his intentions were. That is when he said what he said about not looking for anything serious. I would never have slept with him had I known that. But it takes two to tango, so I am as much to blame. I just think he should have been upfront from the get go. I'd have never gone out with him if that were the case. It does take two to tango honey but when they are tangoing(?) to a different tune it just isn't right. He took advantage pure and simple and led you on. 1
stillafool Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 "Should" however I think most go into it like I did. They think hey I like this guy, he has an issue, I understand why. Sure we can hang and see where this leads. However most don't realise it's not leading anywhere and he just goes along with it because he's getting what he wants and at the end of the day can say "hey I told you I didn't want anything serious" It's partly naive, I have learnt that lesson. However I also think that people like that take advantage of the naive because they don't leave their cards on the table. They scatter a few and see where it gets them. But you have learned now, right? You are no longer naive to this, correct? Now you know to find out his intentions before you have sex.
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