just looking insight

[jt27]

Hello all. I am new to this site and would like to share my story. Just looking for any insight, assessment, advice, etc. This is therapy for me and mostly I am venting. I will go into as much detail as possible.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me 1 month ago after a 3 year relationship. We both were each other's "love of my life". Everything was great, yada yada yada. We had a very strong connection. She was the first girl I was truly in love with.

 

The reason she gave me for breaking up was she doesn't think she can move in with me. Thinking about it freaks her out and that "maybe I'm not the one" because of that. About 10 months ago she moved in...for one day. She said she just couldn't do it and moved all her stuff back to her parents (where she has lived all her 28 yrs). She assurred me at the time that it had nothing to do with me.

 

She has serious anxiety issues along with OCD. She has a doubt about anything and that doubt just grows and grows until she can talk to someone, such as me, to relieve her. I could go into details about her past/family life but just trust me.

 

I don't know where to begin. We had our ups and downs but the downs were not handled well by her. We "broke up" 3 times before the final break. Before this each time was over something silly, at least I thought. Each time she would over-react and end it. Leave her key to my house (when I am not home) and tell me she doesn't want to talk about it. Saying all this over text. So each time I convince to at least talk to me about it and each time we work it out. I then get a text saying "I'm really glad we talked :)".

 

About 2 months before we broke up we took a 2 week break (her idea) and to not have contact during the 2 weeks. She was going through a stressful hiring process (it was after the first week of starting this job that she broke up with me). What do ya know...I get a "I miss you" text half way through then 2 days before we are suppossed to talk I get a text that she made up her mind to leave. I asked to at least tell me to my face so she came over and we talked through it and again I get a text later "I am glad we talked".

 

When we started having these breaks is when I changed. I was always a very confident guy. Due to her emotional instability and my fear that she will leave me at a moments notice caused me to become insecure. I was less confident, weaker and and always catered to her. I lost sight of my own happiness and replaced it with making her happy. Now I have always been the type to put my girl first and making her happy makes me happy but never did it define my happiness. I am the type that will go the extra mile for her, surprise flowers for no reason, suprise trips, very thoughtful gifts. I enjoy being that guy. This went to a different level. My goals and happiness took a back seat (my own choice). I thought I was doing the right thing since I cared so much for her. I thought I was helping. I wonder if she starting viewing me as weaker because of this. If so, shame on her. I even talked to her mother for advice and she even told me her daughter is "difficult" and needs to be treated "delicately". So that's how I went about it. All of this caused me to put my keys to happiness in her pocket and I am paying for it big time now. It makes the hurt so much worse. She runs from issues instead of dealing with them and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get to work hard. She is of the mindset that if it isn't easy then it isn't right. "It should be easy" is what she said to me about relationships. We all know that isn't easy...except her.

 

After our 2 week break, I thought things were going well. We talked about ways to improve our relationship. Things like talking on the phone more instead of texting. I, of course, help up my end. She did not...not even once did she call me without me calling first. Anyway, I thought things were better. We started looking at engagement rings. I will say that in the beginning I told her I was unsure of marriage due to I did not want to get ahead of ourselves but I did later tell I wanted to get married. As for the ring, we went to several different places and thought she really enjoyed it and excited her. She did say it scared her but in a good way. All is good right?...wrong. Women are so confusing. The week(s) leading up to the break up she would say things like "I like thinking about our future" (regarding ring shopping), "me, you and the dog are a family", "more to come!" (regarding our anniversary 2 weeks prior to breaking up). I don't understand how she could say and do these things then turn around dump me. I conscensus seems to be "she doesn't know what she want".

 

Lastly, is what I did yesterday. I decided this is the girl I want to marry. Crazy, I know. So I went out and bought the ring she liked most, went to her house to propose and...she didn't even answer the door. In fact, I get a text when I get home telling me how inappropriate is was for me to show up like that. We then texted back and forth a little where she was incredibly cold and indifferent. I don't understand how someone can be so cold to someone that literally would have died for you. Don't give me the "she's trying to move on" or "she doesn't want to lead you on". Show some respect for the 3 years together for christ's sake. I don't regret what I did. Actually I am glad since it gave me some closure. I may have been silly looking back now, but I also like to think it was courageous.

 

What can I say...I love her to death and just want to help her. I now know I cannot and it's killing me. I know I need to move on and get better and I will. But right now, I am trying to work through it. Thanks for listening.

[jt27]

I guess my questions are 1) Was I wrong to treat her as I did? 2) Why would she say the things she said then turn around and break up? 3) Tips on getting over her?

[flitzanu]

Don't give me the "she's trying to move on" or "she doesn't want to lead you on". Show some respect for the 3 years together for christ's sake.

 

 

you've answered your own question. she decided she doesn't want to be with you, and she doesn't want to marry you. unfortunately, people do change their minds, and feelings can change.

 

any further attempts at "winning her back" and pining over her are going to be met with equal resentment that she's already showing you, and then if you continue, she's going to start being rude and nasty to you.

[deathandtaxes]

Two big red flags here. The first is that she's a 28-year old woman that lives at home. The second is the anxiety. Is it some cultural thing for her to be in her parent's house for that long? And the anxiety - is it to the point that she needs professional help?

 

 

Moved in for one day and moved back in with her parents?!? You should have ended it right there and saved yourself a LOT of trouble.

[jt27]

flitzanu, not sure what question I answered myself. Obviously she doesn't want to marry me and that her feelings have changed. I understand that. What I don't understand is how someone can be so uncompassionate to someone that was so good to them. I never will. I value relationships (all relationships) and people too much to be like that. All of my family and friends cant believe how cold she has been either. I am not going to pursue her anymore.

 

It's not a cultural thing to be with her parents. I think it's more of a comfort thing. Her brother is 29 years old and is the same way. I think it has something to do with her mother. She is very close with her mother and is afraid to leave her behind and I don't think her mom ever really encouraged her to spread her wings so to speak. She actually mentioned this type of thing after she moved back out about abandoning her mother.

 

I understand what you are saying about the red flags (there are others) and saving myself a lot of trouble ending it after she moved back but being reassurred it wasn't me made me actually think it wasn't me. Just like the things she said right before she broke up with me. I still don't know why she said those things. Maybe some ladies can shed some light on that....

 

As for the anxiety, yes she definitely needs to seek counseling. I have suggested it but obviously it didn't happen. I even went during our break in an attempt to seek another perspective and also show her there is nothing wrong with it. She mentioned it herself earlier in our relationship that maybe she should talk to someone but I think she fears the stigma of it. Being with her is obviously mentally training at times.

 

It's just hard for me to give up on her though I know I have no choice.

[jt27]

Oh, flitz, just one other thing. Though it is obvious now that she didn't want to marry me, one week before she dumped me she said "I want to marry you". Confusion sucks.

[ahthepain]

I feel for you dude. Going through the same thing.

 

Although mine said she just didn't want to be in any relationship and got with a guy 3 weeks later she only met 3 days prior lol.

 

I'm trying my hardest to let her go.

 

I''ve blocked her FB and although I still think about her so much, nearly all the time, as each day goes by I can feel myself thinking about her a little less and less. So I promise you you will heal dude. It's only been 1 month for me, and under a week since I learnt she got with a new guy after saying what she did, but I do feel better and I know that in a few months time I will feel great.

 

I hope you can get through the hurt man.

[jt27]

Thanks pain. It's always nice to know that I am not alone. I guess that's what this site is for. I appreciate the kind words. I know I will heal eventually and actually since the last time I talked to her, I feel better. The confusion makes it so much worse. Her uncertainty that she always seemed to have always made me feel that she needed me to reassure her. Part of that, I think is true.

[flitzanu]

flitzanu, not sure what question I answered myself. Obviously she doesn't want to marry me and that her feelings have changed. I understand that. What I don't understand is how someone can be so uncompassionate to someone that was so good to them. I never will. I value relationships (all relationships) and people too much to be like that. All of my family and friends cant believe how cold she has been either. I am not going to pursue her anymore.

 

It's not a cultural thing to be with her parents. I think it's more of a comfort thing. Her brother is 29 years old and is the same way. I think it has something to do with her mother. She is very close with her mother and is afraid to leave her behind and I don't think her mom ever really encouraged her to spread her wings so to speak. She actually mentioned this type of thing after she moved back out about abandoning her mother.

 

I understand what you are saying about the red flags (there are others) and saving myself a lot of trouble ending it after she moved back but being reassurred it wasn't me made me actually think it wasn't me. Just like the things she said right before she broke up with me. I still don't know why she said those things. Maybe some ladies can shed some light on that....

 

As for the anxiety, yes she definitely needs to seek counseling. I have suggested it but obviously it didn't happen. I even went during our break in an attempt to seek another perspective and also show her there is nothing wrong with it. She mentioned it herself earlier in our relationship that maybe she should talk to someone but I think she fears the stigma of it. Being with her is obviously mentally training at times.

 

It's just hard for me to give up on her though I know I have no choice.

 

the part you answered was the part i quoted above.

 

also just because YOU value your relationships and wouldn't treat someone that way doesn't mean everyone else does. you can't mistake placing your own beliefs on how someone else is going to behave. obviously she has chosen NOT to value things the way you do, and there's not going to be any understanding or changing that.