Help me before I do the wrong thing- I broke up w/him again today.

[lifestyle1]

the facts are: I left my 15 yr marriage for him (an affair) and immediately moved into his apt with my 3 kids. We lived together in an apt and 8 months ago I moved into a house with him so he can be closer to his children (new schools-long drive to work)

We have gone downhill fast. I have experienced guilt over what I caused and am afraid I may be sabotoging this relationship. I tend to look at the negatives right now.

True, that he is controlling, impatient,a yeller, and has a hostile relationship with my 14 yr old son. He also never finalized his divorce (we used the same atty- but he took so long to mail in the divorce papers that when he finally did- the court rejected them as being out-dated)

 

I asked him to leave the house, when after an argument he screamed at me in front of my children- "Get the fu*k out"

He has moved his clothing out (its all mine anyway) mand slowly started moving some of it back in. The rest of his packed stuff remained in the garage and he never took it.

 

Well I found myself in the unlikely situation of playing house on a nightly basis. paying all the bills/food/ and rent. I said, I did not want him moving back in until he resolved his divorce.

He spent 2 nights at his brothers- and I am upset with myself for allowing this to happen.

 

I told him I needed to establish boundaries, like we see each other on the weekend and 1 night a week. he said, he is not motivated to get a divorce now. is not ready to marry me, and sunce we are working things out- "why am I pressing this?"

 

We talked by phone Fri 8p.m and he said he would grab some new clothes and call back. he never called or came over just showed up at 8 asking me well what do i want to do?

 

i think its best if we have no contact for a week- and i need to figure out- if i am allowing his negative traits to make me bitter or it's all true. I wrote him a letter explaining this and he said he would come by to pick up his things and read the letter.

 

I stayed at a friends all day so i wouldnt be home. i returned at 5 and he was never here. wHEN i MENTIONED THAT i WOULKD CALL HIM AFTER HE READ THE LETTER TO SEE IF HE WANTED TO TALK- HE said, "thought you werent going to callme for a week?"

 

am i being a fool?

is it 'He's just not into you?"

im not going to call him - to see shy he didnt come over- and thats killing me-

i'm not sure i want this prize but not sure i dont want him either

I want to do right by my kids

I feel like a weak sick person

[lifestyle1]

he packed most of his clothes but left some as well, amd said he would be back tommorrow or monday or tues to get the rest. I asked him when- and he asked me "why do you not want to be here?

 

why this matters? his bro called and asked when he was coming over? the guys sit in the garage all night, drink beer, do lines of coke and shoot the ****- ALL NIGHT.

he is NOT going to sulk over me tongiht.

 

he basically said to me, that he was going to ask me if i wanted him to pay 1/2 the rent. (funny he never got around to bringing itmup- and I suspect if I said nothing - he would do nothing.

 

said i need to decide if i want him mor not- so he couod move on- and he was going to give me my space to decide this week.

[JoL]

He is controlling, verbally abusive and doesnt get along with your son, you moved in with him after an affair and you are still wonder WHY things aren't working out?!??

 

You said it yourself- he is CONTROLLING and a YELLER...my goodness..RUN!!!!!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!

 

 

I'm PLEADING with you here....i have been in a controlling and abusive relationship..he will SUCK YOU DRY and RUIN your self esteem and before you know it, you will be stuck in his manipulative world and you will not be able to leave. You will be controlled, made to feel guilty for his actions, screamed at, called names...in fact- he has already done all of those things hasnt he!?

 

Please..he just broke up your marriage..this guy CANNOT be good news.

if you were not happy in your marriage, use this seperation as a time to move on and find peace in your own life.

 

DO NOT commit to this man.

He will ruin your life.

[lifestyle1]

My 2 best friedns have told me the same.

 

I NEED to beleive it- be strong, be fearless and move on.

god help me

[CoolAunt]

Make that four who think you should leave him: your two best friends, Jol1 and me.

 

He's a drug abuser as well as being controlling and abusive. What's worse is that he's hostile towards your son. If you don't mind someone being hostile towards you, that's your choice. But your son didn't choose a hostile "stepdad" (for lack of a better identifier). Is that the choice that you want to make for your son?

 

He can't see the reason to divorce his wife since he doesn't want to marry you at this time? Here's a reason for him: While he's married to one woman and sleeping with another, he's committing adultery. Granted, you committed adultery, too. However, you feel guilty for it now, which proves that you're not morally bankrupt. This man doesn't feel guilty because he doesn't empathize, either.

 

I don't think you're sabotaging your relationship. I'm more concerned that your sabotaging your opportunity to get rid of that man while he's already halfway out the door.

 

I hope that I wasn't too harsh here, lifestyle1. I don't want to hurt you but I don't want you to let that man hurt you, and especially not your son, anymore either.

 

Cool Aunt

[lifestyle1]

you make a lot of sense about the fact that my son didn't choose this for himself.

I am responsible and obligated towards loving and protecting my son.

my fear of who will love me want me- keeps me here.

 

The #1 thing of verbal abusers is their lack of empathy towards others.

 

When I spoke to him and said I want you to be kinder towards my son, he said "why? he's not kind to me. I don't have to do anything.

 

I said, if you want to make me happy and know its important to me you would make the effort. Also you need to take the higher road, your are the adult- should have the maturity etc. He disagreed.

 

he tries to bully me and intimidate me. I feel like I'm not thinking clearly around him, because that is part of the "crazymaking" of verbal abusers.

 

He says he accepts my bad traits- bad housekeeper (I disagree) bad cook, cant make the bed right, cant wash or fold his clothes right, what the hell does he WANT ME for? if I am so bad at evedrything.

 

he says he accepts it. REALLY? by undermining me? by making me feel poorly about myself for not being better? He says if I tried harder I could excell at these things, and I just don't care.

 

Well how hard does he excell at making me happy?

I mostly feel badly about moving 35 mi away from my old neighborhood to PLEASE HIM.

I felt I had to give it my all- 100% to make this work/

 

My son was going to go to a new school anyway whether I stayed in my old place or not. My daughter was beginning kindergarted so that was new for her and my 12 yr old actually was excited to move and make new friends. ALL 3 kids are getting A's in this school district.

I am in a 4 bdrm house and can provide them their own PLACE (before I had 3 kids in 1 bdrm- 2 bdrm apt. because the rents are so HIGH in my old neighborhood.

 

I am in a mostly hispanic but upper middle class neighborhood - instead of a celebrity next door neighborhood, and I feel my kods are doing well, because the pressure is off here in this town (which isnot a bad thing)

 

I just feel so bad at the changes I made- and for my relationship not to work out.

 

I feel so down on myself, so guilty (I actually met my BF wife for coffee) and apologized to her for the pain I caused her. She said wouldnt it be a kick in the pants, if we turned out to be friends?

 

I do know if I feel this miserable, gulity, and badly I should be alone without contemplating fixing my (bad) relationship to get myself healthy and to figure out what I want.

I dont want to be a victim, and im afraid im behaving like one.

[CoolAunt]

Whew! I'm glad that you aren't angry with me or hurt by anything in my post. I can be blunt sometimes, to say the least.

 

Just so you know that I don't think I'm the wee bit superior, my s*** doesn't stink type, I'll share this with you. In '99 I had the very worst heartache of my life. I was 35 y.o. and thought that I was dating "the one." I met him at work, so he came to me highly recommended and with good references from others who knew us both. We got along so well and had so much fun. And talk? The first time we went out, just as friends from work, we sat outside (it was summer) and talked until 4am! Little problem, though, was that he had been married for ten years and had seperated the year before. Of course, I justified it because I'm human and didn't want to have a good, valid reason not to see this guy. So, I decided that since he'd lived away from his wife for the year before I met him, he wasn't really married anymore.

 

That November, we broke up. Actually, I broke up with him because I could tell that something was wrong, something was amiss. It took us two weeks to let go of each other. On night, that man and I sat on my sofa and cried like a couple of little girls. What a sight! The man's the size of a linebacker, sitting on my couch, crying. The next day, he kept me on the phone for five hours! I kept telling that I needed to go, or let him get off the phone, you know, all of those things that you tell someone to give them an "out" when on the phone. He'd say, "No, don't hang up. You're so easy to talk to. I want to talk to you." And it wasn't sexy talk or any of that s***. He told me all about each member of his family, their traditions, his hometown...oh s***, I'm tearing up just from thinking about it.

 

That one put me on the therapist's couch for the first time in my life! She (the therapist) gave me a swift kick and a push by helping me work up an anger at him. Remember, I still had to see him at work after all of that! Anyway, long story short, he's now remarried to a moose (yes, that's mean, but f*ck them!), and I'm...well, I didn't date again for three years after that because I just wasn't ready. I've since come to accept that I was his rebound girl, or transitional woman. However, I witnessed myself how much he was hurt by it, too. Just bad timing, I suppose.

 

I've dated a couple of guys since then, the last one being a friend of the last 25 years, and whose passive-aggressive, verbal abusive ways were never apparent to me or our mutual friends. I sure got to see them we took our relationship to a romantic level. I've been reading and from what I've learned, perhaps there really were no red flags, perhaps he was triggered by the emotional intimacy. We broke up Nov 10 (all of my relationships end in the fall). So, it's still fresh.

 

Okay, I wasn't trying to hijack your thread. Just wanted you to know that I've been thru similar experiences and while we both know that adultery is wrong, I can't judge you because my house is made of glass, too.

 

You seem well read on the topic of verbal abuse. If you'd like some more links to informative sites, let me know and I'll share what I have. Oh! You have to have this one now because it's so packed with info and links: Sanctuary for the Abused

 

When I spoke to him and said I want you to be kinder towards my son, he said "why? he's not kind to me. I don't have to do anything.

That is bulls***. He's supposed to be the adult, be the bigger of the two. The boy's family just split up and he probably blames the guy. He's 14 years old. Duh! If the guy would show him patience and kindness, the kid would see that the man's not the enemy. But, it's hard for abusers to conjure up that phony patience and kindness required just to rope in the mother; there's not often any left for her kids.

 

He says he accepts my bad traits- bad housekeeper (I disagree) bad cook, cant make the bed right, cant wash or fold his clothes right, what the hell does he WANT ME for? if I am so bad at evedrything.

Oh puhleeze!!! Did he hire a maid or take up with a girlfriend? If he thinks you're the maid, he's not working the deal out right. I mean, you pay the bills and you're the maid? No no no...If you're working and paying the bills, and he's not, then perhaps he should be cooking, making beds, washing and folding his clothes, etc.

 

he says he accepts it.

Well, aren't you special? I mean, with narcissists being gods and all.

 

My son was going to go to a new school anyway whether I stayed in my old place or not. My daughter was beginning kindergarted so that was new for her and my 12 yr old actually was excited to move and make new friends. ALL 3 kids are getting A's in this school district.

I am in a 4 bdrm house and can provide them their own PLACE (before I had 3 kids in 1 bdrm- 2 bdrm apt. because the rents are so HIGH in my old neighborhood.

 

I am in a mostly hispanic but upper middle class neighborhood - instead of a celebrity next door neighborhood, and I feel my kods are doing well, because the pressure is off here in this town (which isnot a bad thing)

 

I just feel so bad at the changes I made- and for my relationship not to work out.

Don't feel bad. You listed many positives to the changes that you've made and they have nothing to do with His Highness staying or going.

 

I feel so down on myself, so guilty (I actually met my BF wife for coffee) and apologized to her for the pain I caused her. She said wouldnt it be a kick in the pants, if we turned out to be friends?

That is...amuzing. You know, when the wife of the bf isn't devastated or even too upset to meet with other woman, that kind of tells me that bf might not be that good a catch. Do you think that he was abusive towards her, too? And maybe she's glad to be rid of him? And that perhaps she feels more pity for you than anger or jealousy?

 

I do know if I feel this miserable, gulity, and badly I should be alone without contemplating fixing my (bad) relationship to get myself healthy and to figure out what I want.

Yep, that's exactly what you need to do. It's hard to be alone after being married for so many years but you can do it. You need to do it. Regardless, you don't need to be with an abusive man. It's definitely better to be alone. That I can say from my own experience.

 

I dont want to be a victim, and im afraid im behaving like one.

You'll be a victim as long as you're hooked up with the verbal abuser.

 

Cut your losses. There are no positives with him.

 

Okay, I've rambled enough.

 

Cool Aunt

[lifestyle1]

you know I feel pathetic revealing this, but I have been looking at the dating.com sites. I have not joined, just look around to see what's out there for me.

I havent really liked what I see. Lots of never married 45 -50 year olds, some losers or just nice guys who are of the plain, simple or bald kind (not that there's anything worng with bald).

 

When Im feeling strong, I feel like w/o a man I can focus on myself and building up my career. When I am involved with BF I am upset and distracted 30% of the time.

[Merin]

Reason(S) To ditch this idiot..

 

He doesn't respect your kiddo and regardless of whatever, whatever.. your son is a Child, this guy is an adult.. anything less than respect, patience and understanding for you son is IMO not good enough. He (your son) has been through a lot and as you've said.. he didn't choose this.

 

This guy is abusive, and from what you've said a slackass as well.. it isn't your job to take care of him like you would one of your kids.. this is suppose to be an adult relationship.. where BOTH people involved behave like adults.

 

This guy is STILL married and has told you he isn't "ready" OR "motivated" to get a divorce.

 

I wouldn't allow him to decide whats okay and good for YOU or for your kids..

 

At this point I honestly believe it may be better for you to spend some time alone.. get things settled and on a routine for you and your wee people.. you kind of jumped from the frying pan into the fire so to speak.. don't stress over who else is out there for you right now.. in time you'll find someone so don't be tempted to stay with the misery of what you know out of fear of being alone.

 

Best Wishes

[JoL]

Lifestyle1, im going to post a link to a great site here, if you would like to visiti it.

It's a forum for people who have been or are in verbally abusive relationships, you may already know the site, Dr Irenes Catbox.

 

You will be able to get a LOT of support there and help in leaving this jerk.

 

http://drirene.com/catbox/index.php

[CoolAunt]

Lifstyle1: How are you today? Please come back and tell us how you're doing...even if you did let the shmuck move back in.

 

Cool Aunt

[lifestyle1]

know what I did yesterday? I used a gift certificate and had an 80 minute massage. I streamed tears thinking to myself (how pathertic) It will be a long time until I feel a man's touch. I streamed tears until my nose got so plugged up I couldnt breather (he he ) and here was the masseusse saying "let it out" each breath you take is an opportunity (I like that one)

 

I didn't call him, but drove by his workshop this morning (I pass it on my way to drop off my daughter at school)

 

You know what I was thinking. The schmuck would be perfectly happy having me continue like this. But I would be miserable.

I keep thinking that if he WANTED ME, he would have said, "OK, I'll try to make an effort with your son"

 

Honestly I think he is as burned out as I am on this relationship- but change is so hard. It pisses me off to hear him say he has done all the sacraficing FOR ME. When he is still married, has equity in a house. and get this.

 

When I first broke up with him in Nov and met with his wife. She said she would not take him back and the kids were happier with him gone.

 

He tells me, Rita wanted him back and his son asked him to return (18yr old) and he even considered it- but he's not in love with HER so he decided agaist it.

 

BULL****- he was just waiting for me to open wide again - and I did.

and even so- that proves to me that he doesnt get divorced because OUR relationship might not work out and he has her to fall back on.

[FolderWife]

YUCK!!! Would you rather have a life in a miserable relationship, or a month in a happy one?

 

This guy isn't worth your time. He won't even get a divorce for you, when you left your husband for him. Dont' put your kids through living with him. And who CARES about a man's touch. You have your kids to keep you busy. Get him out of your head. Focus on all the BAD things about him, and don't even think about anything good.

 

It might do you well to move. I know that if my relationship with my husband disolved, there's no way I'd be able to continue living in the home we share, with all the memories in every room.

[lifestyle1]

he asked if he could come over he needed to use the computer to make an invoice. He has a PC at his wife's house ( I refuse to call her an X if she's not) and kimda feel like he was making an excuse to come over.

 

I was taking my car for service and he asked me if I needed a ride (NO).

 

I offered to type up the invoice of whoch took about 15 minutes. He was very polite, said thank you and did not bring up anything - nor did I.

he left and I left. I did kind watch that he was looking around the house to see if I moved anything (yes, our pictures are still up- cuz with the last break-up I threw everything out. picture/frame and all.

[lifestyle1]

I picked up a book called Couple Skills, which is really more for your therapist than average layman. It talks about cognitive behaviors and reacting.

 

Sometimes I think if I could read this to the BF and he was willing to do it- then all would be good.

 

except he is not asking for the book.

asking me to read or share

exploring self discovery himself.

 

boo hoo

[FolderWife]

You're too good for him.