Author DontBreakEven Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 (edited) Don'tBreakEven, I so, so relate to all you say here. It's so humbling--scary, really--to recognize how deeply entrenched these belief habits are, and how difficult they are to change. And yet, as you say, our future depends on it. Like you I have begun to recognize that I'm on some sort of sick merry-go-round where all my relationships end up the same. And with this most recent break-up eight months ago, I finally hit bottom, where I felt so depleted that for the first time ever I contemplated suicide. I just saw no way out but to start examining the beliefs I hold about myself and relationships. I'm realizing that basically I date my mother over and over, and it just doesn't work for me just like the constant un-fulfillment and frustration and conflict with my mother never did and does not work for me. And I'm the only one who can change, because I can't change her just like I can't change the people I end up in relationships with. And I always have been so desperate for them to change. Just wanted to share this to say, "You're not alone." It's hard but people DO change the patterns that constrain them, and they DO move on to new, happier and healthier chapters of their lives and versions of themselves. If they can do it, then I have to believe that we can, too. Thank you so much GreenCove. I date my mother over and over again as well. It's unbelievable. What's interesting is, as I've been attending ACA meetings, I have begun to finally recognize that my mother's behavior (what I really just thought was the "norm" growing up) is not okay. It's not a behavior I like, not one that I admire, and certainly not one I should like or admire in a partner. It's a sick comfort, and I'm finally confronting it to where I feel like I'm getting to the point that that the unhealthiness is no longer comforting. I guess the bottom line is that I have been living my life as an emotional unhealthy being, and I didn't even recognize it because I just thought that was normal. I've since learned. It's actually very shocking to admit to myself and others that I have essentially been very wrong for basically my entire life, but I'm slowly seeing that it's true. The good thing is, I know the person I AM is not unhealthy at all, but rather it's the behaviors I've been conditioned to and taught that are. I can get rid of these behaviors and reveal that person beneath that I always knew I was, and never understood why such a person keeps getting into such messes, and being around not-so-great people. And yes, it's a tough habit to break of, and I am currently in a very tough spot because I no longer feel completely unhealthy, but I certainly don't feel completely healthy yet either, so I feel like I'm floating. But honestly GreenCove, I'm enjoying the ride. It's SO unnerving that I KNOW major change is taking place within me, and within my life. This has been the most bittersweet journey I have ever taken. And I just know the ultimate destination will be lasting happiness. Edited May 4, 2014 by DontBreakEven
Zapbasket Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I have begun to finally recognize that my mother's behavior (what I really just thought was the "norm" growing up) is not okay.... I feel like I'm getting to the point that that the unhealthiness is no longer comforting. I'm experiencing the same thing. My relationship with my mother always has been frustrating. I know she loves me, and I her, and many less fortunate would envy the kind of mother I have. She's educated, resourceful, devoted, and has never nor will ever disown me. But neither one of us can accept the way the other is. I'm emotionally expressive; I want to process feelings by talking through them with a like-minded person; I want and always wanted to be able to turn to my mother for such things as she is the only family I have. But she is a stoic. She hates talking about feelings and while she is highly intelligent she has the psychological understanding of a muskrat. It's the truth and it drives me mad, and our pattern is that she blocks my emotional advances and I react to feeling rejected and we end up in a big fight. After the fights I feel sad and awful. I don't want such disharmony in such an important relationship and yet I cannot accept--not yet--that she simply is incapable of responding to me on an emotionally authentic level. I've internalized this dynamic as it being "bad" or "shameful" to need to talk about feelings...and consequently, perhaps, I choose partners who corroborate those feelings. It's actually very shocking to admit to myself and others that I have essentially been very wrong for basically my entire life, but I'm slowly seeing that it's true. Me, too. I have been in hell, because these beliefs and conditioning run so deep, I'm afraid I'll never be able to change to where I can attract healthier romantic relationships. I see also how my "wrong"-ness has affected my career and the people I invite into my life more generally, beyond the romantic sphere. Basically, I'm terrible at setting and enforcing boundaries. I don't even know oftentimes what acceptable boundaries ARE, so used am I to always accommodating others at the expense of my own feelings. I don't know ultimately what brings about change. Do you think it's a long stretch of deep therapy? Is awareness of what you need to learn enough to guide you to learning it? I don't know the answers to these questions yet. I'm really glad to meet someone who is going through something similar.
BC1980 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Have you read "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue? It speaks to a lot of the issues on this thread. It's also a book for men too.
Zapbasket Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Have you read "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue? It speaks to a lot of the issues on this thread. It's also a book for men too. I can't speak to her ebook but her blog has some of the most incisive posts about these kinds of issues that I've ever read. The blog is "Baggage Reclaim": Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Do you feel the book is worth buying in addition to her blog, or is it more or less a reiteration of her blog posts?
BC1980 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I can't speak to her ebook but her blog has some of the most incisive posts about these kinds of issues that I've ever read. The blog is "Baggage Reclaim": Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Do you feel the book is worth buying in addition to her blog, or is it more or less a reiteration of her blog posts? I thought the book was worth it because it went into much greater depth. It explains why we are also unavailable. It explains how to change your ways in greater detail. I felt it was some of the best money I've spent on a book in a long time. I also read her book "The No Contact Rule" because I had a very difficult time cutting contact with my ex.
Author DontBreakEven Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 I don't know ultimately what brings about change. Do you think it's a long stretch of deep therapy? Is awareness of what you need to learn enough to guide you to learning it? I don't know the answers to these questions yet. I'm really glad to meet someone who is going through something similar. For me the change is coming, ever so slowly, through deep therapy, ACA meetings, finding my spirituality (that was never my thing before, ever. i was completely agnostic), and making a point to change my behavior even when it doesn't feel natural, and watch what happens. I think it's going to be a long road, but the first step is 90% of it. And I feel that I've taken a few steps so far. It is definitely nice to meet others who understand. This forum is a very comforting place to be at times. BC -- Thanks for the book advice. I have never heard of this author, and I will definitely be looking her up.
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