I am not ready to date, and that is hard to handle

[DontBreakEven]

It's been 4 months. I thought I'd at least be ready to start talking to someone else. So I tried. The overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety and just plain uncomfortableness flooded in immediately. I am not ready. Not even near ready. I really thought I'd be excited at the thought of something new and good, maybe even better.

 

But I'm not. It's actually making my grief intensify. Weird. Now how do I get out of talking to someone when I initiated it? I don't even know what to say. I really thought I was ready.

[elseaacych]

Maybe you need to change how you look at it. Instead of rushing to get back out on the dating scene, you take some time just for you, where you do what you want that has nothing to do with romance- but rather just meeting people!

 

You aren't actively looking for a date, but if someone asks you there's nothing wrong with going out.

 

This article may help you evaluate your views:

 

A dating hiatus is a healthy, empowering break, not a prison sentence! | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[mea_M]

If your not ready, your simply not ready. Take you're time. I believe you will really know when you are ready. As for how to get out of it, just be truthful in admitting it's too soon and you need more time. You will get there.

 

Mea :-)

[jphcbpa]

Maybe you need to change how you look at it. Instead of rushing to get back out on the dating scene, you take some time just for you, where you do what you want that has nothing to do with romance- but rather just meeting people!

 

You aren't actively looking for a date, but if someone asks you there's nothing wrong with going out.

 

This article may help you evaluate your views:

 

A dating hiatus is a healthy, empowering break, not a prison sentence! | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

 

solid article..thank you!

[jphcbpa]

OP, I am right where you are in the time frame of 4 months. I have done nothing but work on me for 4 solid months. Yes, there is more to learn and understand. I recently put up a profile online and I have such an avoidance feeling around it. If this continues I might back off for another month or two. Nothing so far is exciting me and it seems like a waste of time at this point. We shall see. I am just sticking my toe in.

[DontBreakEven]

OP, I am right where you are in the time frame of 4 months. I have done nothing but work on me for 4 solid months. Yes, there is more to learn and understand. I recently put up a profile online and I have such an avoidance feeling around it. If this continues I might back off for another month or two. Nothing so far is exciting me and it seems like a waste of time at this point. We shall see. I am just sticking my toe in.

 

That's what happened to me. I don't even have my profile visible, I was just messaging people. Well I struck up a convo last night with a girl and she ended up texting me this morning and I flat out just freaked out when I really thought about what was going on. The thought of meeting her -- will I even be attracted to someone else? -- What expectations would someone have of me?? Could I fulfill them? Would I hurt someone? Could they hurt me? And then all I think about is my ex and how at least I knew what to expect.

 

All of these thoughts and feelings from a stupid text message. I was just sticking a toe in and suddenly my head feels like it went under, and I haven't even done anything! I have never felt that way before I my life. Usually I am excited and rearing to go to meet someone new.

 

Something is different this time, and it's kind of scaring me. Am I jaded? Am I just not even close to being over my ex? What the heck is going on??

[jphcbpa]

how long was your R?

 

what was the reason for the BU?

[DontBreakEven]

how long was your R?

 

what was the reason for the BU?

 

Relationship was 2 years. It ended at the beginning of January a couple weeks after I proposed. She freaked out and left like a thief in the night. It wasn't the first time she broke up with me. It was a stormy 2 years of her constantly being hot and cold with me, but never really letting me go, until this last time when obviously the commitment became too real for her. We haven't spoken since she moved out. (Save a random run in at a bar where I was friendly and that was that). The relationship is completely dead, and I know that.

 

I have been feeling better. I smile and laugh now, I enjoy things again, spend time with friends and family and am comfortable spending time alone. I bought a new dog (she took ours with her), a new car ... I am moving on. But ... the thought of being with someone else freaks me out to no end for some reason. I don't know if maybe it's just the particular girl I'm speaking to - if I'm unsure if I'm attracted to her, not to mention it's online dating so it's not like I've even met the girl yet. But usually I would be excited. I'm totally not. And it's shocking me.

[JDPT]

NO need to rush anything. Work on healing and yourself, you are all that matters from this point forward.

[jphcbpa]

Relationship was 2 years. It ended at the beginning of January a couple weeks after I proposed. She freaked out and left like a thief in the night. It wasn't the first time she broke up with me. It was a stormy 2 years of her constantly being hot and cold with me, but never really letting me go, until this last time when obviously the commitment became too real for her. We haven't spoken since she moved out. (Save a random run in at a bar where I was friendly and that was that). The relationship is completely dead, and I know that.

 

I have been feeling better. I smile and laugh now, I enjoy things again, spend time with friends and family and am comfortable spending time alone. I bought a new dog (she took ours with her), a new car ... I am moving on. But ... the thought of being with someone else freaks me out to no end for some reason. I don't know if maybe it's just the particular girl I'm speaking to - if I'm unsure if I'm attracted to her, not to mention it's online dating so it's not like I've even met the girl yet. But usually I would be excited. I'm totally not. And it's shocking me.

 

Very similar for me. Just before Christmas. She got scared, pulled away.

 

Have you read, "He's Scared, She's Scared" ?

 

That book will give you great insight into both you and her.

 

IMO, it is probably more of the avoidance in me so I am kind of forcing myself to move forward after spending 4 months working on me with a therapist and 12 step work. I am probably more attached/connected to the PEA (Phenethylamine) pull that was produced when she was pulling away from me (unbeknownst to me until the last week of the R). If you felt this in your R, then you are probably missing that more than her. You will probably need to force yourself to move forward with talking with women. Not saying this is the best timing for it, only you know that, but be aware of what is really keeping you away from this new interest. Keep asking yourself, "why do I want to be with someone who does not want to be with me". The answer is probably that you are somewhat avoidant too and just a scared as she is/was. You are now avoiding an available potential partner. Your ex was just better at avoiding and just slightly more scared than you.

 

 

Many people find themselves enamored with what they cannot have. Unavailability and not being able to have what you want, although painful, can be deliciously enticing in many ways

 

That miserable deprived place feels so comfy and familiar to us. Even though we know where it leads to letdown, loneliness, sitting by the phone..we will let that feeling lead us around by the nose

 

Wanting what we cannot have is a universal dilemma. It is so easy to conjure up fantasies about how delicious it would be if we could only have "that", even though we know we never could. Then we do not have to deal with what we do not have. And we do not have to face issues like intimacy, commitment and love.

 

Learn to recognize longing and yearning for what we cannot have. And ask for the courage and wisdom to learn about the true delights of available, requited love.

 

- Melody Beattie "More Language of Letting Go"

Edited April 30, 2014 by jphcbpa

[DontBreakEven]

Very similar for me. Just before Christmas. She got scared, pulled away.

 

Have you read, "He's Scared, She's Scared" ?

 

That book will give you great insight into both you and her.

 

IMO, it is probably more of the avoidance in me so I am kind of forcing myself to move forward after spending 4 months working on me with a therapist and 12 step work. I am probably more attached/connected to the PEA (Phenethylamine) pull that was produced when she was pulling away from me (unbeknownst to me until the last week of the R). If you felt this in your R, then you are probably missing that more than her. You will probably need to force yourself to move forward with talking with women. Not saying this is the best timing for it, only you know that, but be aware of what is really keeping you away from this new interest. Keep asking yourself, "why do I want to be with someone who does not want to be with me". The answer is probably that you are somewhat avoidant too and just a scared as she is/was. You are now avoiding an available potential partner. Your ex was just better at avoiding and just slightly more scared than you.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I do think I have an attraction to someone rejecting me. I have no idea what this is about. I am assuming growing up with an alcoholic mother, but I have no idea how to get rid of this way of being. It's disgusting. The thought of someone actually being interested in me for real freaks me the f*ck out. My ex was very available for me when I first met her. I kept a distance. It wasn't until she started pulling away that I started thinking she was the hottest thing on this planet (before that I felt like she was a 7/10 -- so messed up). So messed up. I have a lot more therapy to do.

[jphcbpa]

As much as I hate to admit it, I do think I have an attraction to someone rejecting me. I have no idea what this is about. I am assuming growing up with an alcoholic mother, but I have no idea how to get rid of this way of being. It's disgusting. The thought of someone actually being interested in me for real freaks me the f*ck out. My ex was very available for me when I first met her. I kept a distance. It wasn't until she started pulling away that I started thinking she was the hottest thing on this planet (before that I felt like she was a 7/10 -- so messed up). So messed up. I have a lot more therapy to do.

 

Be sure to read that book I mentioned. Again, keep doing the therapy and stay aware of what you are feeling and why you are feeling it. Know that you will need to push through this to really be happy in a R one day. Have you ever attended Alanon meetings?

[jphcbpa]

Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person - Susan Peabody , A.B

 

 

Many love addicts find they have a history of falling in love with an unavailable person and they wonder why this keeps happening over and over again. The following is a list of the most common reasons love addicts keep falling into this trap.

Reminders of our first love: We are always attracted to people who remind us of our first love. If a person's first love was an absent or emotionally unavailable parent, then he or she is only attracted to unavailable people, and this is the only kind of person they pursue. They do this out of habit, despite the pain it will cause them later on.

 

Looking for the happy ending: Many love addicts are not only attracted to unavailable people, they choose them as partners in order to recreate the past and change the ending. They often become obsessed trying to gain, through their current partner, the love they never got as a child. They do this unconsciously over and over again. It is a form of insanity. It is their inner child forcing his or her will on them despite the painful consequences. (See Recovery section for more about the inner child.)

 

Miscalculations: Many love addicts do not choose an unavailable person. They just fall in love before they find out the person is unavailable. Then, out of stubbornness, and because they have become so dependent, they refuse to give up and move on.

 

Unrequited Love: Some love addicts can only fall in love with the person of their dreams. Since no such person really exists, they project their fantasies onto someone and then see in that person only what they want to see. These completely unavailable people are a good target for this kind of projection because the love addict never really gets to know them. They are always who the love addict wants them to be. Love addicts, who are also addicted to fantasizing, are drawn to the phenomenon of unrequited love.

 

Excitement: Chasing after someone who is unavailable can be exciting. It can really get the adrenalin going, not to mention the libido. Romance addicts often go after unavailable people because they are addicted to the chase.

 

Unconscious Fear of Intimacy: While love addicts consciously obsess about love, they often have an underlying fear of intimacy. Choosing to fall in love with someone who is unavailable (to one degree or another) is one way to avoid facing this fear.

[BC1980]

When I tried dating again, it triggered my grief in a big way. A mutual friend set us up, and we only went on one date. It took me a month of talking to even agree to this date. I think it hit me because it really signified that I was moving on. In the end, it was a good thing because it did help me move forward. It had been 8 months, so I think it was time to at least test the waters.

 

For me, I asked myself why the date made me anxious, and it was because it meant I was moving on. I realized that I needed to at least try at that point, so I wouldn't be stuck in a holding pattern of grief. Just take a deep breath and figure out where the fear is coming from. Go from there.

[mtnbiker3000]

I find I immediately compare any new person to the ex. Sometimes consciously. Sometimes unconsciously. Physical, emotional, mental. All levels. It's like I am just trying to fill the void. The opposite of moving on!! No bueno!!

 

One thing I am always looking at is the hair. My ex had magnificent long, thick, flowing dirty blond hair. Just the right amount of curl. And smelled so good...

Edited May 1, 2014 by mtnbiker3000

[hudson701]

I find I immediately compare any new person to the ex. Sometimes consciously. Sometimes unconsciously. Physical, emotional, mental. All levels. It's like I am just trying to fill the void. The opposite of moving on!! No bueno!!

 

One thing I am always looking at is the hair. My ex had magnificent long, thick, flowing dirty blond hair. Just the right amount of curl. And smelled so good...

 

I do exactly the same at this point- compare every single aspect to my ex. You just can't help it, which means your not ready for dating. I'm No where near ready.

[ShiftingGears]

Hey OP.

 

Firstly... excuse my english. It´s not my first language.

 

I finally joined LS today after I´ve been reading posts here for about 4 months.

This forum has been a huge comfort for me after my relationship ended in december but I´ve never really felt the need to write my own story. Perhaps I should, maybe there is person out there that actually would get some comfort in my own crazy lovestory.

But I wont contaminate your thread with that. So... to try to come to the point.

I´ve read some of your older posts and I recognize my own story in yours.

I for example also came out of a same sex relationship and we´re around the same age (I´m 33, female). The difference is though that I was the dumpee and I was more like your ex. I was the "confused" one, with anxiety issues and low self asteem etc. My relationship was also a bit longer (9 years, where she broke up with me twice before during the first two years).

 

Anyway, I´ve had some comfort from your posts so I hope I can try to give you some support.

I think the feelings you´re feeling are totaly normal. 4 months is still pretty early in the grieving process, especially when you´ve had/have those strong feelings for your ex.

Uncomfortable is a pretty good word for it.

 

Pretty early after my own break up (way to early) I also signed up to an online dating site and ended up texting with two women and went on a date with one of them. Not a good idea. I just kept thinking about my ex, and it hurt bad.

I continued to chat with both of them for a while but then I just felt like. NO. Who am I kidding? I´m really not ready yet. I need to find myself again before I let someone in that way.

Something interresting was that I noticed that these two women where people that the old me, the one with the big anxiety problems would have been interrested in. I saw some personality quirks in both of them that I just don´t want in my life anymore.

 

So I think a big reason for you feeling uncomfortable is that your still greeving and still have feelings for your ex.

But could it be that the person that you are messaging with might have something that reminds you of a negative flaw that your ex or perhpas you yourself have?

Maybe it´s as easy as that, that the person isn´t a person that you are truly interrested in?

 

As to how to get out of it. Hmmm... tricky.

But talking for myself, I believe in honesty. Do you dear to just tell the truth?

Edited May 1, 2014 by ShiftingGears

[DontBreakEven]

Hey OP.

 

So I think a big reason for you feeling uncomfortable is that your still greeving and still have feelings for your ex.

But could it be that the person that you are messaging with might have something that reminds you of a negative flaw that your ex or perhpas you yourself have?

Maybe it´s as easy as that, that the person isn´t a person that you are truly interrested in?

 

As to how to get out of it. Hmmm... tricky.

But talking for myself, I believe in honesty. Do you dear to just tell the truth?

 

You should tell your story on here!

 

Anyway, yeah I think I'm just not really into the girl I'm texting. She is very nice but I don't know. I mean I haven't even met her in real life but I just feel like if I would there would probably be no attraction.

 

And in all honesty, I am not over my ex. I'm just not. I want to be, but I'm kidding myself. It's hard to not be over someone who has left you. It's a vulnerable place, being the only one who still wants the relationship. I wish I didn't still want it but I do. But I know I have to move on. She doesn't want it, and even if she did, I think the damage is well too done at this point.

 

I spent the night tonight at a rehearsal dinner for a friend getting married. Everyone of the bridesmaids is married except for me. Some have kids. I felt so alone in the midst of them, like I am a step behind. The thing I want the most (a partner and a family), seems so easily attainable by many, and yet I cannot seem to find it. It's just hard, and I haven't been coping well this week.

[ShiftingGears]

You should tell your story on here!

I´m having a rough week so I might just do that soon.

 

Anyway, yeah I think I'm just not really into the girl I'm texting. She is very nice but I don't know. I mean I haven't even met her in real life but I just feel like if I would there would probably be no attraction.

 

And in all honesty, I am not over my ex. I'm just not. I want to be, but I'm kidding myself. It's hard to not be over someone who has left you. It's a vulnerable place, being the only one who still wants the relationship. I wish I didn't still want it but I do. But I know I have to move on. She doesn't want it, and even if she did, I think the damage is well too done at this point.

 

Atleast you know where you have your feelings and thoughts. That way, you wont start a new relationship to early on and risk hurting another person in the process.

 

The pain is so unbearable when we are forced out of a relationship when we still are willing to fight for it. For me, that pain has caused so much damage that, if she wanted to come back (which she never will) I wouldn't ever be able to take her back again. I wish I would, cause I still love her, but I don´t want to risk having to go through this again.

I already took her back twice before. But the pain she caused with those break ups actually stayed with me during the last 7 years of the relationship. It was like there was a filter hanging over everything that was our relationship and it eventually destroyed it in the end. Everything just got too contaminated.

Maybe a relationship can be salvaged after one break up. But after two or three, I think it´s a to high of a climb. And I´m saying this even though I was the one still willing to fight.

I guess we just have to learn to let go, move forward and finally understand that, even though we love them deeply, they are not who we thought they were, they are not the person we should spend the rest of our lives with.

 

I spent the night tonight at a rehearsal dinner for a friend getting married. Everyone of the bridesmaids is married except for me. Some have kids. I felt so alone in the midst of them, like I am a step behind. The thing I want the most (a partner and a family), seems so easily attainable by many, and yet I cannot seem to find it. It's just hard, and I haven't been coping well this week.

 

I´m so sorry to hear that you had a hard time last night. Not the ideal place for a newly single girl to be!

I hope you atleast got to wear a hot looking bridesmades dress!

 

I so feel for you. I too just want a partner and a family and it hurst to see everybody ells enjoying that part of life.

I was planning to visit my home town this weekend where my parents and sisters live. But like you I'm also having a bit of a crappy week and I just don´t want to go there and see my sisters big families and get reminded of what I just lost (me and my ex where engaged and were planning to have kids in the future).

 

I know it hurts, and it still will for some time, but we just have to be patient.

But hey. It will happen! Let´s just lick our wounds and get through this annoying heartake, work on ourselves and then that special someone will enter our lives when we least expect it.

 

Try to stay positive during the wedding and enjoy yourself! The future is packed with good stuff!

[Zapbasket]

Don'tBreakEven, I just want to say I can relate to everything you say here. After three long-term relationships spanning from 2002 to the end of 2013 with only a little over a year and a half being single in all that time, I'm taking a dating hiatus. My last relationship broke up in August and I'm determined to go at least a year, EVEN IF someone promising comes my way. So far no one has, not that I'm looking. I plan to be up front about my intent if I meet someone interesting, and I won't close off the possibility of friendship.

 

I, too, am unconsciously drawn to unavailable partners. And rather than leave when I discover their unavailability, I become frustrated and then angry, and my partners then use my anger as the excuse for their inertia. I am somehow trying to win over the likes of the distant caregivers from my past, and thus emerge "victorious" from that dynamic, I realize. But the only way to be victorious is to seek a different dynamic in relationships, a different, healthier story that begins with the conviction that I deserve a partner who is unconflicted about loving me, with both feet in the relationship.

 

It's difficult work and Lord knows I have much more to do. These unconscious beliefs are very hard to rewire into different, healthier beliefs. I think the grieving and growth processes just can't be rushed. You have to submit to the vulnerability and commit to the work ahead and accept what comes with open eyes and judicious heart.

[mtnbiker3000]

After three long-term relationships spanning from 2002 to the end of 2013 with only a little over a year and a half being single in all that time, I'm taking a dating hiatus. My last relationship broke up in August and I'm determined to go at least a year, EVEN IF someone promising comes my way. So far no one has, not that I'm looking. I plan to be up front about my intent if I meet someone interesting, and I won't close off the possibility of friendship.

 

It's not too bad. During that time, I've only had a few relationships. One of which was quite serious and long term (brings me here), so I've spent the majority of that time single. Dated quite a bit, but only a few relationships...

 

I, too, am unconsciously drawn to unavailable partners. And rather than leave when I discover their unavailability, I become frustrated and then angry, and my partners then use my anger as the excuse for their inertia. I am somehow trying to win over the likes of the distant caregivers from my past, and thus emerge "victorious" from that dynamic, I realize. But the only way to be victorious is to seek a different dynamic in relationships, a different, healthier story that begins with the conviction that I deserve a partner who is unconflicted about loving me, with both feet in the relationship.

 

Maybe you yourself are unavailable?? From your past?? Remember, we attract partners similar to our selves, our beliefs and our personality.

 

It's difficult work and Lord knows I have much more to do. These unconscious beliefs are very hard to rewire into different, healthier beliefs. I think the grieving and growth processes just can't be rushed. You have to submit to the vulnerability and commit to the work ahead and accept what comes with open eyes and judicious heart.

 

I believe this is the correct mindset to have at this juncture. You need to learn how to be happy with and by yourself. From the sounds of your post, you look to others for your happiness. Your completeness. Your sense of self...

[DontBreakEven]

Don'tBreakEven, I just want to say I can relate to everything you say here. After three long-term relationships spanning from 2002 to the end of 2013 with only a little over a year and a half being single in all that time, I'm taking a dating hiatus. My last relationship broke up in August and I'm determined to go at least a year, EVEN IF someone promising comes my way. So far no one has, not that I'm looking. I plan to be up front about my intent if I meet someone interesting, and I won't close off the possibility of friendship.

 

I, too, am unconsciously drawn to unavailable partners. And rather than leave when I discover their unavailability, I become frustrated and then angry, and my partners then use my anger as the excuse for their inertia. I am somehow trying to win over the likes of the distant caregivers from my past, and thus emerge "victorious" from that dynamic, I realize. But the only way to be victorious is to seek a different dynamic in relationships, a different, healthier story that begins with the conviction that I deserve a partner who is unconflicted about loving me, with both feet in the relationship.

 

It's difficult work and Lord knows I have much more to do. These unconscious beliefs are very hard to rewire into different, healthier beliefs. I think the grieving and growth processes just can't be rushed. You have to submit to the vulnerability and commit to the work ahead and accept what comes with open eyes and judicious heart.

 

GreenCove ... Yes! This is my 2nd broken engagement .. 2nd complete and total abandonment ... and yes, there was something unavailable about both my partners - first was was addicted to pot and never sober, and the most recent was just a classic love avoidant. (In between those 2 there were numerous unhealthy short term relationships with people who totally walked all over me).

 

I always thought it's completely ridiculous that I could possibly be attracting people like this, or that I am subconsciously attracted to them because of this. I just thought it was bad luck. It's happened too many times at this point for me to think that way anymore. I am the common denominator in all these sh*t storm relationships. I am not saying that I believe I am the one causing all the problems, but I do believe I'm accepting problematic people into my life, if not completely inviting them with open arms.

 

I am in therapy now. I attend ACA meetings once a week as well. I have begun to do healing work with my relationship with my parents. It's going to be a long road. All this conditioning is very very hard to break. Conflict and chaos feels comfortable to me. Pleasantness and calm and positive and happy makes me feel naked in a crowded room. I crave it, but it also makes me extremely uncomfortable in a strange way, and that I am trying to figure out. I have to figure it out. My future depends on it.

 

And while I'm not going to necessarily take a complete and total dating hiatus, I am completely and totally ready to ALLOW myself to be single so long as I am. I am not out on the prowl like I would have been in the past. If something amazing stumbles into my life, I will not say no, but I'm also not actively seeking it. I am actively seeking ME. I finally at the brink of realizing what self love actually looks and feels like. I am using my pain and my crisis as a catalyst to become the person I want to be; someone I actually admire. That is what is keeping me going.

[Zapbasket]

 

Maybe you yourself are unavailable?? From your past?? Remember, we attract partners similar to our selves, our beliefs and our personality.

 

I think so. I understand this intellectually somewhat, but not at all emotionally. After all, I'm always the one wanting intimacy and progression in my relationships. I'd like to think that if I encountered someone whose heart and psyche truly were open to an intimate relationship, who had dealt with a bulk of his sh*t and was capable of self-honesty and some degree, by extension, of honest communication, I'd be in heaven. Do you think that people who keep winding up in relationships with unavailable partners wouldn't know how to handle / would be afraid of a truly emotionally available one?

 

 

 

From the sounds of your post, you look to others for your happiness. Your completeness. Your sense of self...

 

In reading other posts of yours as well as the OP's posts, it seems the three of us all struggle with this to a similar degree. And I think you posed this question elsewhere on LS, or a version of it, and I'd be curious to know your, OP's and others' thoughts: how do you become someone truly able to find happiness from within yourself, and love for yourself from within yourself, without becoming walled off to an extent from the vulnerability of accepting love from and being attached to another?

[Zapbasket]

I always thought it's completely ridiculous that I could possibly be attracting people like this, or that I am subconsciously attracted to them because of this. I just thought it was bad luck. It's happened too many times at this point for me to think that way anymore. I am the common denominator in all these sh*t storm relationships. I am not saying that I believe I am the one causing all the problems, but I do believe I'm accepting problematic people into my life, if not completely inviting them with open arms.

 

I am in therapy now. I attend ACA meetings once a week as well. I have begun to do healing work with my relationship with my parents. It's going to be a long road. All this conditioning is very very hard to break. Conflict and chaos feels comfortable to me. Pleasantness and calm and positive and happy makes me feel naked in a crowded room. I crave it, but it also makes me extremely uncomfortable in a strange way, and that I am trying to figure out. I have to figure it out. My future depends on it.

 

Don'tBreakEven, I so, so relate to all you say here. It's so humbling--scary, really--to recognize how deeply entrenched these belief habits are, and how difficult they are to change. And yet, as you say, our future depends on it.

 

Like you I have begun to recognize that I'm on some sort of sick merry-go-round where all my relationships end up the same. And with this most recent break-up eight months ago, I finally hit bottom, where I felt so depleted that for the first time ever I contemplated suicide. I just saw no way out but to start examining the beliefs I hold about myself and relationships. I'm realizing that basically I date my mother over and over, and it just doesn't work for me just like the constant un-fulfillment and frustration and conflict with my mother never did and does not work for me. And I'm the only one who can change, because I can't change her just like I can't change the people I end up in relationships with. And I always have been so desperate for them to change.

 

Just wanted to share this to say, "You're not alone." It's hard but people DO change the patterns that constrain them, and they DO move on to new, happier and healthier chapters of their lives and versions of themselves. If they can do it, then I have to believe that we can, too.

[DontBreakEven]

Do you think that people who keep winding up in relationships with unavailable partners wouldn't know how to handle / would be afraid of a truly emotionally available one?

 

This is a very interesting question, and I'm right there with you in your confusion on this. I assume I would be in Heaven too if someone were to reciprocate my intense emotional feelings.

 

It happened on a few occasions with my most recent ex: at the beginning, she was acting extremely emotionally available (before her fears and insecurities about her sexuality and being public with that interfered). Her intense emotions towards me turned me off. I am still to this day ashamed to admit that. When I felt it, I was beside myself. I had finally met what seemed to be a great partner, and I couldn't find myself falling in love. I told her this and almost broke up with her (I didn't, because the pain she exhibited when I told her nearly broke my heart and I couldn't do it .. I couldn't. I did love her. I knew it was something in me that I needed to let go of.) So I made a very brave choice to just let it go and see what would happen -- and we became very very close. Unfortunately, she started pulling away not soon after (who knows, maybe because I was finally into it and that made HER uncomfortable .. all so complicated when it seems it shouldn't be, honestly).

 

I will recognize next time I feel that fear what it actually is. It's in me, it's not because of anything the other person is doing, and I have complete and total control of letting it go. And yes, for that brief time that I finally did and she did as well, it was Heaven. Miss it.

Edited May 4, 2014 by DontBreakEven