waiting4u Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I know this sounds crazy but I think I’ve met THE GUY. I met him online about 2 years ago. We never went out on a date (not sure why), but became facebook friends, so we sort of know each other. Over time we’ve chatted here and there on facebook about running events (we are both runners) and so on. The first time we actually met in person was last Saturday night, and boom! It was an instant connection. He’s a real upbeat guy, good-looking, in great shape, we are the same age, he’s a single Dad (I’m a single mom), has a great career, has the same political views, and there’s chemistry! (kissed and hugged, yes, hugged like fools, after dinner) I know he likes me because 1) at least three times during dinner he said “I want to see you again”; 2) he texted me after and said “that was a great date, I really like you (kissy emoticon); 3) He asked me out the next day for next weekend; 4) He’s texted me every night before he goes to sleep – just to check in, call me beautiful, or say something really sweet. I know I’ve been wrong about this before, so I’m trying to play it cool this time and let him do all the chasing, but I really think this is IT. I’m aware this sounds silly. It just feels so perfect. Problem is, I have another date with a guy I met online recently (a first date) tonight, and I feel real uncomfortable going. It’s not that I think I’m in an exclusive relationship after one date (I’m not completely nuts), it’s just that since I like this other guy so much, it seems dishonest to lead on someone else. I also am sort of dreading another awkward first date. I hate those. And I'm not dying to be in a relationship for the sake of it. I'm fine on my own if this doesn't work out. Should I cancel? I know I should keep my options open . . .
Grumpybutfun Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 It is easy to get swept up in someone and think long term, but until he actually asks you to be exclusive, you have no idea what he is really expecting or how things can change. In the same way it is impossible to know if this euphoria with this guy will last, as it is to know that the next guy isn't great too. Also, honor your commitments....don't flake and cancel. You made a date with someone who gave you a chance so don't blow him off and cancel just because of a possible connection. It isn't cool. Enjoy the date, be kind, stop rushing, Grumps 3
salparadise Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 (edited) Should I cancel? I know I should keep my options open . . . I was in the same situation recently. I went, although it was just an afternoon coffee date. I felt a bit guilty because while she was giving it her best shot I was thinking about the other person mostly. In hindsight I felt like I should not have gone. My feeling is that if you're really wanting to date the other guy, feel there is real potential, and the two of you have all of that chemistry, you should cancel. You aren't doing either one of you any favors by going if you aren't into it. If you weren't feeling all of this positive energy with the first guy I'd feel differently. As far as keeping the options open... I think you'd be as likely to get a second shot with the new guy (should it not work out with #1) by canceling and giving him an honest explanation as if you follow through and then reject him. Of course it's your judgement to make; I just don't like multi-dating from either side of the equation. Edited April 30, 2014 by salparadise
Author waiting4u Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I'm with you on this one Sal - I've been in a similar situation before and spent the whole time making comparisons between the new guy and the one I preferred. I also agree with Grumps on the whole "honor your commitments" and "don't be a flake" thing. But aren't I just wasting his time? It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and would rather stay home and read than date someone I'm lukewarm about.
Grumpybutfun Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I'm with you on this one Sal - I've been in a similar situation before and spent the whole time making comparisons between the new guy and the one I preferred. I also agree with Grumps on the whole "honor your commitments" and "don't be a flake" thing. But aren't I just wasting his time? It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and would rather stay home and read than date someone I'm lukewarm about. Can't you compartmentalize this? These are two completely different human beings and you aren't comparing so much as having a good time and enjoying their presence? When women focus on a man as the potential marriage man or father of their children, they stop being objective and gathering information and noticing red flags. Focusing on one guy is great after you truly get to know them in a romantic setting...this guy you are really digging could be an awesome friend but a terrible bf, you just don't know yet. Honoring a date because this guy might be a truly great guy too is only logical since you aren't exclusive yet. You want guy number one to be perfect and right now he is, but these things can go south quickly so don't commit to a relationship and exclusivity until he is worthy of it and actually asks you for it...when time has passed and you know for sure that he is a good man, an honest and loyal love interest, and has all his ducks in a row emotionally, financially and mentally. Tunnel vision is the single biggest reason people get their heart broken, they put their hopes and dreams into someone who hasn't shown for sure through time and integrity that they are deserving of it. Logically our hearts should be the last thing we give away because it is the most fragile but we sling our hearts about as if breaking it enough times won't make us jaded and bitter. Don't be that woman.....keep it well protected until they are deserving and work for the opportunity. Value yourself enough not to be easy to impress or an easy conquest. Do not play games but be more cautious and make sure they are authentic before you give everything you are to someone whose true character you just don't know much about yet. Honor your commitments, compartmentalize, stop the tunnel vision, don't rush, Grumps 5
pteromom Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 But aren't I just wasting his time? Probably... but maybe not. You never know what will happen, and even though this first guy sounds great, you don't know him well enough to know how he is in a relationship, so don't put all your eggs in his basket. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I agree with Grumpybutfun. I was crazy about my last boyfriend from the first date, and I immediately shut out any other prospects to focus on him, though my stock was up at the time and I was getting asked out a lot. If I had been more objective, I would have gone on early dates with a number of guys - and it's likely that I would have found someone else I was more compatible with. I won't make that mistake again. 2
Phantom888 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I see both sides of this from personal experience. I like to focus on one woman at a time. Last May I had a 1st date with this beautiful funny high school teacher. After dinner we were making out in my car, and she and I wanted to have sex, but decided to wait for the following weekend. I called her and texted her every day since. Then 5 days later, I had a 1st date with another woman, so I had to decided if I wanted to cancel. I decided to take a chance and kept the date. This 2nd woman was a gorgeous blonde, smart, and we had great chemistry. I couldn't stop kissing her. We also wanted to have sex, but decided to wait and get to know one another. That night, I called the school teacher and told her I met someone else, and I couldn't see her again. I pursued the blonde woman, and 11 months later, we are still together, engaged, and expecting a baby. Don't miss an opportunity. You never know when it will come again! 4
Mo_Do Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Been there, done that - I'd cancel like I canceled the date I had for tonight. I didn't cancel because I have someone else I am more interested in (like you), I canceled because I simply knew it was going to be a waste of time. There's a point in this dating game when you realize which dates are going to be a wash before even going (I am at 17 in 2.5 months) and which ones will be good. Your other date was GOOD - those are rare. You a single mom, and he a single dad has to be even more rare! So if I was you, I'd focus on that as he is. 1
meeji Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 It is easy to get swept up in someone and think long term, but until he actually asks you to be exclusive, you have no idea what he is really expecting or how things can change. In the same way it is impossible to know if this euphoria with this guy will last, as it is to know that the next guy isn't great too. Also, honor your commitments....don't flake and cancel. You made a date with someone who gave you a chance so don't blow him off and cancel just because of a possible connection. It isn't cool. Enjoy the date, be kind, stop rushing, Grumps I agree.. I say keep dating until someone wants to make it official.
deathandtaxes Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 And this is why I hate multi-dating. It sucks on all sides. If you didn't multi-date, you wouldn't have this conundrum. Do what you wish, but it will cloud that first date with the other guy. 1
Author waiting4u Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 Just an update and what I've learned - I took Grumps' advice and went out on the date. I didn't much like the guy - he wasn't real attractive or interesting, but he was nice and polite. I wouldn't say it was a total waste of time. We both had fun. I do think multi-dating, or at least keeping your options open, serves a good purpose for me in that I feel a lot less needy when I know that I have other people who are interested in me. Focusing on one person feeds me obsessive tendencies. And you really don't know if someone is boyfriend material until you've been out with them several times. It's definitely too early to get my hopes up in that situation (although I'm still getting sweet texts before he goes to bed every night ). Anyway, I appreciate all the stellar advice in this situation. You are a wise group. 1
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