counterman Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 So I have repeatedly told my girlfriend on many occasions that I do not want to talk about exes, ever. I don't see the point. She seemed OK with this until recently when we argued. She said she wants to be able to speak to me about her exes; things from the past still upset her and she wants to be able to come to me to talk about them. I was not fine with this. It made me uncomfortable everytime she spoke about her ex in the past that I didn't want to hear of it anymore. She says that's just the way she is. She wants to talk about the things that still upsets her related to them. She said she won't casually just bring them up but I don't know. She said I should trust her. Obviously that past still affects her. What should I do?
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 If she wants or needs to talk, listen as long as she doesn't get into too many details. Everyone has a past; it's part of who they are. I'm not saying sharing intimate details is good but if she randomly mentions that her EX really liked a particluar food that she doesn't care for, that's not a commentary on your relationship 2
Author counterman Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 If she wants or needs to talk, listen as long as she doesn't get into too many details. Everyone has a past; it's part of who they are. I'm not saying sharing intimate details is good but if she randomly mentions that her EX really liked a particluar food that she doesn't care for, that's not a commentary on your relationship That's what I'm worried most about. In the past, when she would talk about them, she would spend hours and would go into detail. It wasn't only about how they were jerks, there were happy moments too. Honestly, I didn't care too much about hearing too much about her exes. I get everyone has a past, but to the point that it affects the quality of your current relationship? Whenever she has these triggers of her exes, she pushes me away, as though I am them. I've put my foot down that I am not comfortable talking about them. But it seems we're at a cross-roads now. She says that she is the way she is and she wants to talk about them whenever she feels the need to. My question is, where do I draw the line? Where do I set my boundaries? I'm OK with her talking about them once in a while, with not too much detail. But to spend hours in a session? To go into perhaps happy moments? It's been a year since her last relationship. I don't know if I could handle it.
Gaeta Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 NO, you are not her shrink, her mother, or her girlfriend. You are very smart to not open that door. Listening to her about her ex isn't your job as a boyfriend. Playing shrinks with a gf or bf is the best way to kill romantic feelings. 11
Gaeta Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Whenever she has these triggers of her exes, she pushes me away, as though I am them. I've put my foot down that I am not comfortable talking about them. But it seems we're at a cross-roads now. She says that she is the way she is and she wants to talk about them whenever she feels the need to. Selfish isn't she? Explain to her this is your limit, no using you as a therapist, when she does she she is slowly killing the feelings you have for her. What is the most important to her? Confining in you and she kills this relationship or she confines in a girlfriend and keeps you in her life. If she keeps up with this she will need to find another boyfriend to confine in him how she destroyed this relationship with you. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Can you talk to her about it? Explain that you are OK with a mention but not some long conversation. If she needs a trip down memory lane, that's what BFF's are for 1
Andy_K Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Man up. Sometimes sharing what's happened in the past brings you closer. 2
salparadise Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I usually do talk about ex's with people I'm dating. We keep it tactful and somewhat restrained, but it gives quite a bit of insight into how a person is in relationships, what kinds of things caused their issues, how to avoid certain triggers that remain in their consciousness. I think it is relevant and I want to understand their perceptions. 2
FitChick Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Tell her to talk to her girlfriend, mother or a therapist about her ex because you don't want to hear about it.
Smilecharmer Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 It sounds like she has already talked about this enough to make you feel uncomfortable. She is obviously not emotionally far enough away from her past to be dating you...I think this is a huge red flag that she isn't over her past relationships. My husband and I talk about everything but we have no interest in rehashing the past in some emotional diatribe because we are over the past. Plus, honestly, if I were to talk to my man like that and he was receptive, it would make me think he was a friend. It is rather emasculating to me to make your bf your gf. Kills sexual desire and makes my man seem like a woman. Don't care for girly men myself. I sure as hell wouldn't date one. 2
Phantom888 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 If her exes or her past still upsets her, that means she still is still emotional about them. She is not ready to move on. She is not emotionally available. By dating her, you are just setting yourself up for heartbreak. 1
preraph Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I never understood people who didn't want to know their partner well, and that's what this amounts to. If you're too jealous to handle it or just hate talking, well, geez, you aren't much company. If you're going to be judgy with her, then tell her, Okay, but I'll be jealous and judgy. Two people who intend to be together for awhile ought to be able to just tell their personal stories. What happened before you has nothing to do with you except that you should be wanting to know her well. 3
Keenly Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Its a trap. Seriously, don't do it. You don't give a crap about her ex's so she needs to find a different person to discuss her clearly unresolved issues with. Ladies, you don't start telling ex stories to your man. Some women don't understand that your boyfriend is not your girlfriend Ex talk, gossip, etc belongs in girl talk. 2
Salvatore85 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I never understood people who didn't want to know their partner well, and that's what this amounts to. If you're too jealous to handle it or just hate talking, well, geez, you aren't much company. If you're going to be judgy with her, then tell her, Okay, but I'll be jealous and judgy. Two people who intend to be together for awhile ought to be able to just tell their personal stories. What happened before you has nothing to do with you except that you should be wanting to know her well. Because he doesn't want to know, it makes him uncomfortable and she should respect that. I've personally never understood people who are obsessed with their partners past or want to know details? 1
Omei Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Its a trap. Seriously, don't do it. You don't give a crap about her ex's so she needs to find a different person to discuss her clearly unresolved issues with. Ladies, you don't start telling ex stories to your man. Some women don't understand that your boyfriend is not your girlfriend Ex talk, gossip, etc belongs in girl talk. Great advice Yeah your currents do not want mental images In relationships there is usually the this is my past convo brief and simple from both party's then its dropped untill questions asked by other if they need/want to know more of their own curiosity. But don't make it a topic.
Million.to.1 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I think it depends on the context. If she needs a big long therapy session for hours and is upset about the past, then it may be a little weird. But i think people should be able to talk about their ex's with their current partners. I've always seen it as a huge red flag when men won't mention anything about their ex's. Funny thing is... i always thought that if they could turn their back on an ex completely, never acknowledge or talk about someone they used to be so intimate with, they could do the same to me one day. Pretending that past relationships don't play are part in your current relationship is stupid. They do. So why not acknowledge what you learned and share it with the person you love? Talking about ex sex though is dangerous territory! 6
veggirl Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I think your gf needs to get over her exes before jumping into a new relationship. I would suggest she take some time for herself. I mean still "triggered" by exes to the point she wants to discuss it w/ her bf? What? How long have you been together? She's not over her exes yet...that's just not good. I couldn't date someone who isn't over his exes (multiple?!) 1
ThatMan Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I get everyone has a past, but to the point that it affects the quality of your current relationship? Whenever she has these triggers of her exes, she pushes me away, as though I am them. I've put my foot down that I am not comfortable talking about them. But it seems we're at a cross-roads now. She says that she is the way she is and she wants to talk about them whenever she feels the need to. Okay. I'm with you in the belief that it's widely inappropriate to drag your relationship graveyard through the mud. But here's the thing - Triggers remind people of the things they would rather avoid. It doesn't sound like she's trying to gossip, make you uncomfortable, or be tactless and inappropriate. It sounds like she's trying to explain her behavior, the reason for her behavior, and why certain things are important to her. An example of a trigger would include, "My ex used to be a controlling jerk. He would hover behind me and overlook my shoulders for hours. Please don't stand behind me while I'm sitting here reading my laptop." You said she mentioned her ex's were jerks? Was she trying to explain her triggers to you? If that's the sort of details she's trying to share with you, then I'm sorry, you need to get over yourself. If she is going far beyond these explanations then you can tell her to be more objective, "I don't want to talk about this. Unless what you're saying has anything to do with right now, I would prefer it if you stopped." Anything else and I'd probably move on myself if I were in that position. People who ramble on about a former spouse aren't ready to move on yet. I'm nobody's rebound because I do not tolerate that in my relationships. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 So I have repeatedly told my girlfriend on many occasions that I do not want to talk about exes, ever. I don't see the point. She seemed OK with this until recently when we argued. She said she wants to be able to speak to me about her exes; things from the past still upset her and she wants to be able to come to me to talk about them. I was not fine with this. It made me uncomfortable everytime she spoke about her ex in the past that I didn't want to hear of it anymore. She says that's just the way she is. She wants to talk about the things that still upsets her related to them. She said she won't casually just bring them up but I don't know. She said I should trust her. Obviously that past still affects her. What should I do? Exes are part of who she is. I really don't see it as healthy to not talk about exes ever. I want to be able to freely bring them up if the conversation reminds me of something and not to have to censor myself. I never got the "let's not talk about the past" crowd. In my ideal relationship, there would be full transparency on all fronts. Mystery breeds doubt and mistrust. 2
Keenly Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Exes are part of who she is. I really don't see it as healthy to not talk about exes ever. I want to be able to freely bring them up if the conversation reminds me of something and not to have to censor myself. I never got the "let's not talk about the past" crowd. In my ideal relationship, there would be full transparency on all fronts. Mystery breeds doubt and mistrust. Because its pretty much always over done. I've had past girlfriends who were comfortable talking about Exes. It started out harmless enough. Soon they are bringing up the ex in one way or whether every single damn time we hang out. She's also going to be comparing you to the ex, and what starts off as this is what you do that my ex never did for me can soon change into this is what my ex did for me that you never do. Leave the past in the past, because if you bring it up too much it does absolutely zero good. If I take her ice skating I don't want to hear that her ex took her ice skating. If I buy her flowers I don't want to hear about how her ex bought her flowers. 1
central Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 He doesn't want to hear about it - that's just the way HE is! She should respect that. And if she persists, she may have another ex to talk about to her next potential ex-boyfriend. 1
ktya Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 So I have repeatedly told my girlfriend on many occasions that I do not want to talk about exes, ever. I don't see the point. She seemed OK with this until recently when we argued. She said she wants to be able to speak to me about her exes; things from the past still upset her and she wants to be able to come to me to talk about them. I was not fine with this. It made me uncomfortable everytime she spoke about her ex in the past that I didn't want to hear of it anymore. She says that's just the way she is. She wants to talk about the things that still upsets her related to them. She said she won't casually just bring them up but I don't know. She said I should trust her. Obviously that past still affects her. What should I do? I've had these same arguments with some of my more recent former girlfriends. I dont know your age or the length of her previous relationships but I will speak from my own reasons for wanting to be free to talk about my exes. My former relationship history, starting at age 20: 2 years, cohabiting. 9 years, cohabiting for 6.5, engaged, 3 months, tumultuous with zany pregnancy situation, cohabiting, 6 months, chick with BPD, cohabiting, 1 year, gambler, 4 years, with stepchild, cohabiting. When you chalk all of that up its 17 years of my life. There were good times, bad times, and there are still scars and stories from them. I can't just feel like I' talking freely without being able to talk about experiences I've had over the past nearly two decades of my life. I'm 37- what am I supposed to talk about when I share experiences, high school? My childhood? The previous 6 months (filled with awesome dating) will run dry pretty fast (not least because I've been dealing with everything from run up utility bill debts and my most recent ex's junk horde). I understand some people do not want to talk about exes within new relationships. Me, I'm not of a double standard, I dont care if my partner or date talks about their exes. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely do not fawn over the good old days and if my partner/date was talking about how great one of her exes was (save for maybe a unique skill like interior decorating) I would be annoyed. But sharing experiences (like a crazy situation on a camping trip, or something funny that happened, or even frustrations) is just part of who we are. To squeak a black marker through years or decades of one's life is just too hard to do. Unless, of course, your or their exes are entirely unmemorable people. In which case, I guess we should have never even been with them in the first place which in and of itself should be a red flag. So while I do understand the OPs point and frustration with this, I also understand the other side of the coin. When you feel like you have a long list of blacklisted topics/experiences you kind of feel trapped like you always have to watch what you say. This is why I now test my dates from the get go and bring up and ex and make a casual comment about how a girl looks pretty. If they freak out or dont like it I can filter them from the first few dates, because it ain't gonna work out. If I'm spending time with you I have chosen to spend time with you, not some girl I think looks pretty or one of my exes. Where I park my butt and who I'm currently speaking with is my vote of who I want to be with.
Hopeful30 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I don't think trust is the issue here, and I also think its weird she's not allowed to talk about her exes. If you're going to have a real relationship, you have to be able to talk to each other about anything. My ex was like that, he didn't want me to talk about exes. So everytime I had a story to tell, I either had to lie and say I went with a "friend" or completely omit it from the conversation because apparently I'm supposed to never ever talk about any of my exes. My exes talked to me about their exes... I think its normal. It's part of getting to know each other and each others' experiences. If she's not allowed to open up to you about various things, what kind of relationship is this? 1
ktya Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Yeah my most recent ex was crazy hating on me talking about my exes. She would smile and nod and listen yet every time we would get in a fight or disagreement it would come out in some rant about how I talk about my exes all the time and how do I think this makes her feel and balblabla I mean come on get some self esteem 1
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