FredJones80 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Greetings, This is part personal rant of my situation and part thoughts in general... Jiivy put up great post (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/474739-those-who-have-been-left-another-my-gift-empowerment) the other day with some interesting links. Firstly (Leaving your partner for someone else) where people discuss the situation of leaving one partner for another. I found it rather interesting and some of the comments pretty down right wrong. A user tries to justify you can't help your "feelings"... sure, you can't and even some say if there wasn't problems in the current relationship then you wouldn't develop feelings for someone else... perhaps. First, if there are problems in your current relationship then how about you open your mouth and discuss them? There will always be problems in a relationship, thats why they are "work" - Don't like something, tell your gf/bf/h/w etc, discuss it, open your mouth and see if it can be resolved, if it is that important and can't be then agree to end it. Men and women can have opposite sex "friends" which is fine, but there is always going to be someone better looking, more funny, richer, more intelligent and all round better in some way than your current partner and you may even "click" but to me this is just the way life is, the law of averages state that there will be someone else who is suitable for you, in fact plenty of other someone else's, but why act on this? If we're only ever looking to trade up, where does it stop? The difference between a long term relationship with its stresses of life, bills, jobs, kids etc and someone else who is new, fresh and doesn't come with all that boring everyday stuff is quite small, because after you've left your perfectly acceptable partner to hook up with this new exciting person give it a few years and you'll be pretty much in the same situation, do you then "trade up" again? Get some morals or be forever on the merry go round... The second link is an amazing post by JL911 (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/203267-idea-changing#post2399592) which should be a read for anyone dumped and looks in to the idea that some people are capable of making things work while others just head for the door. Sure, if you're in an abusive relationship then no matter how long you've stayed you should probably get out, but he does have a point, at some point after a good number of years any relationship will hit the security or "boring" point depending on how you look at it. When I got binned after 10 years I started asking what I did wrong, what could I of done to prevent this, but the answer is, nothing. My ex told me she just wasn't "happy"... great, do you think I was happy every day. Did I wake up each morning and think I'm "happy" - no, and why? because happiness isn't a destination, its a state of mind that comes and goes, its little glimmers of something which when you add together make life worthwhile. A nice meal, a holiday, getting a promotion, a sunny day, your kids laughter, achieving something new, a tickle-fest on the sofa, falling asleep on your partners shoulder, a hug when you feel down. Happiness is NOT a destination, no one gets to a point where they think, "ahhhh, I've arrived at happiness" and continues on their life with a huge smile, life is what you make it and things crop up that are out of your control which put you through a range of other emotions such as sadness, indifference, everyone has ups and downs personally and so do relationships. I don't want someone to be with me who is "unhappy" but there have been plenty of times I've been unhappy, with life, with situations and even with you. Did you think I was 100% happy when I left my whole life behind and move states to be with you? Did you think I was happy when I was the sole breadwinner while supporting you and your kids? Did you think I was happy when I gave you the best years of my life and turned my back on what everyone else my age was doing because you already had a family which I took on as my own? There are plenty of times when everything wasn't ideal, but there was an equal amount of times when things were great. I never expected to be on a constant high. Why when things got tough for you was your instant reaction to bail out? As JL911 said, some people are made to work on things and stick it out through the thick and thin and others have the mentality to bail at the first sign of trouble. After being together such a long time you must be somewhat compatible otherwise you would never have arrived at this point, there are ups and there are downs and for someone I love I will ride these out because my love for you is unconditional, perhaps your version of loving me wasn't the same because unless something drastic happened I would never of gave up on you, I would never purposely let you down and I certainly would not bail out because I am not "happy" - You make your own happiness in this world, I am not the keeper of "happy" So maybe you moved on to someone else, maybe you didn't. If you did then you'll get your "happy" but remember it is only a moment, a glimmer, when its gone, you'll be at your indifference, shall we all keep chasing "happy" with new people, you can get that moment over and over and over. What I got from our LTR was so much greater than that, I can forgo this instant happy with someone new for what I had with you, it is so much more and goes so much more down to the basics of everyday things. A simple touch, laying in bed next to you, you arms around me when I am sad. This is my pure and basic happiness. Your first partner was abusive and you shouldn't of stayed, I'm sure you weren't happy and rightly so. Your second was a lazy knuckle dragging caveman who expected that he shouldn't even do housework and your role as a woman should of been that 1960's view. I worked for our "family", I helped out around the house, I looked after YOUR kids so you could work, I rearranged my life to help you, I always did the best with what I had to make sure your needs were met before my own, to make you "happy" and even this wasn't good enough because all I got back was a kick in the gut that you aren't "happy" ... well perhaps that is YOUR fault, make your own happiness. I was polar opposite of your previous relationships and still it wasn't good enough for you? Well f--- you. I love you more than anything in this world, I gave you my all, heart and soul and still you must want more? I wish you the best for life and I would never expect anyone to "settle" for something, if you think there is "better" than you go and find that but be careful that you didn't give up something that is irreplaceable. Keep trying to trade up, one day you'll realise what you gave up on. As Will Smith said in The Pursuit of Happyness :- "Get the hell out of here... you are so weak...." "I am not happy anymore" "Then go get happy Linda, just go get happy" .... 5
elseaacych Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 While this certainly doesn't apply to all situations, it still strikes a chord with me. Honestly, it has a lot to do with the maturity of the dumper to want to stick it out. Men will leave when they don't feel respected, women will leave when they don't feel appreciated. 3
RDawg Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 People fall in love, and unfortunately they fall out of love. I'm not sure any amount of 'work' can fix that.
redbaron005 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Men will leave when they don't feel respected, women will leave when they don't feel appreciated. Wise words.
Author FredJones80 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 (edited) People fall in love, and unfortunately they fall out of love. I'm not sure any amount of 'work' can fix that. Granted, and that is a valid reason. If that is the reason then that should be said, it would be easier to take for the receiver than some other cock and bull story. Plus I'm probably just partly bitter Edited April 30, 2014 by FredJones80
RDawg Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I agree. When my ex broke up with me she had a list on her cell phone of all the mistakes I had made in the almost three years we had been together. Things as petty as losing her at a rock concert. I spent that entire damn Rod Hot Chillies concert trying to find her.. She went out of her way to belittle and ridicule me. Why we continue to pine for these people I really don't know.
Author FredJones80 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 When my ex broke up with me she had a list on her cell phone of all the mistakes I had made in the almost three years we had been together. I just feel if that had been communicated then perhaps they could of been resolved rather than being built up to a point where the other person just has "had enough"
Itspointless Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 When I got binned after 10 years I started asking what I did wrong, what could I of done to prevent this, but the answer is, nothing. My ex told me she just wasn't "happy"... great, do you think I was happy every day. Did I wake up each morning and think I'm "happy" - no, and why? because happiness isn't a destination, its a state of mind that comes and goes, its little glimmers of something which when you add together make life worthwhile. A nice meal, a holiday, getting a promotion, a sunny day, your kids laughter, achieving something new, a tickle-fest on the sofa, falling asleep on your partners shoulder, a hug when you feel down. [...]There are plenty of times when everything wasn't ideal, but there was an equal amount of times when things were great. I never expected to be on a constant high. [...] What I got from our LTR was so much greater than that, I can forgo this instant happy with someone new for what I had with you, it is so much more and goes so much more down to the basics of everyday things. A simple touch, laying in bed next to you, you arms around me when I am sad. This is my pure and basic happiness. What a great post, you said it so right. I think an important difference between people is that too many look for an ultimate future, while some try to build a history together. I think what ultimately counts is the story that two people made with each-other. Happiness is important but no partner on this world can make us happy all the time. What can make us happy is knowing that they were there for us when things got rough. Some people seem to think that you are not worth them when you fail in that or when they think they will fail you at that. No doubt some woman will be very happy with you one day. 2
Author FredJones80 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 What a great post, you said it so right. No doubt some woman will be very happy with you one day. Thank you, unfortunately for the time being it isn't the woman who I wanted, I guess I have to live with this pain now... Thanks for your response.
Allumere Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 While this certainly doesn't apply to all situations, it still strikes a chord with me. Honestly, it has a lot to do with the maturity of the dumper to want to stick it out. Men will leave when they don't feel respected, women will leave when they don't feel appreciated. FredJones @ great post elseaacych: I agree. I'd add that so far in my experience I would say people also leave because they are after the Holy Grail....perfect and maintenance free. I'll put it in car terms. I got the Cadillac now but there are a few chips in the paint, so I'm gonna check out that Rolls Royce because from here, it looks perfect and it'll certainly make me look good...why not trade up?. Or... I have a Cadillac with a few problems but rather then take it to a mechanic and have those problems fixed I'd rather not be bothered so I'll simply trade it in for another one. 1
Author FredJones80 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I got the Cadillac now but there are a few chips in the paint, so I'm gonna check out that Rolls Royce because from here, it looks perfect and it'll certainly make me look good...why not trade up?. Or... I have a Cadillac with a few problems but rather then take it to a mechanic and have those problems fixed I'd rather not be bothered so I'll simply trade it in for another one. Good analogy. I guess I have to accept, when someone isn't prepared to put in the same amount of work as yourself then it just isn't meant to be - regardless of how long you've been together. Obviously I'm not even thinking of looking for a new relationship and think it will be a long time off, but you know what? I'll be scared as hell entering the same time length in future for fear of history repeating itself
Itspointless Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Thank you, unfortunately for the time being it isn't the woman who I wanted, I guess I have to live with this pain now... Thanks for your response. No problem. I understand such promises have little worth right now, life can be very painful and sometimes without any sense. I experienced that a couple of periods in my 35 years. Luck sometimes seems to be with the foolish and the not empathetic/socially harsh ones among us. I try to hold on to the fact that I must be wrong as otherwise everything seems so pointless. Last year I thought I finally had found someone who wanted to walk my life with me. But she walked away when life got rough on her. She amazed me by saying that she could not give me anything at that moment. For me that was irrelevant, but she already had emotionally checked out. Hang on man, you will be at a better place some time. 1
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