Am I just the rebound girl? Maybe it was right to just let go?

[emily416]

Hi, I was just seeking for more opinions, to see if I did the right thing to initiate the breakup... or if anyone sees there can be a second chance.

 

So I just got out of a 3-months casual relationship (or being a rebound girl) 10 days ago and I did the break up by a bad drunk text. Kinda regret it. I didn't hear from him since then. I couldn't get him out of my mind after 10 days of no-contact. I'm still upset.

 

I'm 27 and he's 29. He's a friend of friends. I met him at a gathering 3 months ago. Things went too fast... sex was involved after 2 weeks. We didn't really talk about where we stand in a serious way, but kinda agreed to go on and see how things go. It didn't seem very casual all the way, so I always thought it could go somewhere after some time. 30% of the dates involved joining his/ my friends' gatherings (not common friends) - he didn't hide me from his friends. They seemed to know about me so he's surly mentioned about me at their private chats. And he would tell his friends that he was with me if they happened to ring him during our dates. Sex wasn't involved every time. Everything added up and made me feel a little special... feelings kept developing until I got hurt badly 10 days ago.

 

We shared some but not all about our past relationships at the beginning stage. I told him the truth that I got out of a half year relationship a year ago but I've already got over it. And I am always not a player. He then told me that he wasn't in any relationships (not even short term dating) for more than 2 years, his last relationship lasted 3.5 years and he's also over it. I thought he was ready to date and see how things go. Found that was his lie and it led to all my disappointments at the end.

 

So it was my birthday the day before we last met/ broke up. We had a super happy discussion about the celebration since a few days before our meeting. All of a sudden, he turned cold on my birthday, all I got was his happy birthday & let's meet tomorrow text. I didn't pay much attention, thought he wanted me to enjoy my party with friends and we would meet up the next day anyway, so I thanked him and expected the great meeting on the next day.

 

He texted me at noon on the next day - 3 hours before we met, telling me that he wasn't in the mood to be intimate, would I mind if we just go for movies & dinner, but not having a sleepover at his place after these. I explained that I didn't expect to be intimate every time, so I was still happy to hang out as long as I could see him in person.

 

It was supposed to be a joyful night to celebrate my birthday but he broke my heart. He didn't celebrate or say happy birthday to me at all. He looked upset and revealed all his lies during dinner instead - he broke up for 9 months only, and it was a 3.5 years domestic relationship with a 7-year older woman who has a 13 year old kid with her ex-husband, living with her. So he was halfway engaged with the ex and was the step father of a kid for 3.5 years.

 

He was sure I wouldn't date him if I knew about the whole story at the beginning. Honestly I didn't blame him for the "white lie". I was heart broken by what he told me next:

 

His ex betrayed him for an older man as she was looking for someone more mature. They broke up and cut off all connections for 9 months - the man has dumped his ex last week and she contacted him immediately and asked to reconcile. I asked if he wanted to be with her again and he said he definitely wouldn't, because he would never accept betrayal of a partner.

 

I also asked why he seeemd so upset. He said that his ex's been crazily texting and calling him since a week ago and he was annoyed and felt bad to make his ex to get hurt. And he's apologized for not brinigng me a joyful date. Said he's fixed a date with me so he had to meet me anyway - I felt so bad about these.

 

After the long chat at dinner, his friends called and asked if he had plans. He said he couldn't make the sleepover so he invited me to go for a few drinks and have a few pool games with his friends instead. He didn't seem depressed and he didn't talk about his ex to his friends for the entire night, and he told them I was his date. I was more confused.

 

At the end of the date, he walked me home and kissed me goodbye. He asked if i wanted to hang out again the next day and i said nope, because I thought he should spend some time alone and put himself back together and be the happy guy I used to know.

 

I couldn't stand it anymore (emotionally) once I got home and by myself. I kept crying. I had quite a lot of drinks for the night so, for that moment I had all the negative thoughts on my mind. I wasn't being considerate, drunk texted him, made him even more annoyed.

 

I wrote him: Things went too fast in these 3 months so I didn't have the guts to tell how much I liked him as I might ruin things by the time I said it. But things are getting complicated to me after today. I couldn't hold it anymore and decided to tell him how I thought about him. I hoped he could figure things out and be the cheerful guy I used to know. And I asked him to take care of himself.

 

So, that was it. I never got any response since then. Maybe I wouldn't hear from him even if I didn't even send that text anyway.

 

He isn't really that much of a connection - we have common friends but he's not in the core circle.

However, his office is recently relocated - just 2 blocks away from mine now. I may pop into him anytime. I couldn't avoid the awkwardness if i have to face him...

 

Thank you so much for reading the message, I knew it was too long!

[thysecret]

He sounds really confused.. the best way is to go NC to let him ownself sort out himself. But that is risky as u might really lose him.. It's hard but for me, i tried my best and still didnt work out. NC for a week and he is now interested in someone else. arghhhhh but even sticking around, it does not helps. because he no longer loves me.,

[BruisedBNBroken]

I'm my opinion you did the right thing. Maybe not the manner (drunk break up text) but that part doesn't really matter. The lying is a deal breaker for me. And that wasn't a white lie, like I'm 35 instead of 39. That was a lie that completely changes the dynamic of the relationship and emotional availability of the person. If he is going to lie this early on, what else will he lie about in the future? You dodged a bullet. It sucks, it hurts, you probably don't have the closure you want, and your mind is probably wandering with what ifs. But please be relieved you discovered this early on. Hang in there, NC all the way!!

[emily416]

Thanks a lot for all your advice! Yeah, it's really difficult to stick with NC. In many occasions I thought of "maybe it wouldn't matter if I just text him and see how he's doing" but I tried very hard to hold it back. It's been almost 2 weeks of NC now - I didn't even hear a word from him. I guess that's really over

 

I always believed that... men would pursue as long as they don't want to lose me. And what I wrote in my drunk text didn't really matter. He's just not that into me...