bluetulip17 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Okay, my situation is a little odd compared to most. Well, maybe not. I am 25 and met a guy a month and a half ago outside the parking garage at work. He was waiting for a cab and told me he had noticed me walk by his gallery a few times before (which is right next to the parking garage) and we introduced ourselves. I told him I worked close at such and such place, not thinking much of it. Well, a week later he came in to my work and asked me out. We had a great time, and went for drinks and talked for almost 6 hours. Same thing again later that week, although this time, I got a little too drunk and talked about my most recent ex who I am still friends (and only friends) with. We went back to his place, he was super sweet and we cuddled, blah blah blah. He texted me the following day saying he was concerned about how much I brought up my ex, and he didn't know if it was a good idea we continue hanging out. I assured him it was the alcohol talking and I had no feelings for the ex. Well, we hung out again about a week later, but I could tell he was acting different. I made the mistake of thinking he was more looking for a relationship than he actually was, maybe sent him one too many texts asking about potential hangout plans. And, being in grad school for family/relationship psychology, I picked up on the fact he had major commitment issues. He told me he caught his mom cheating on his dad when he was a teenager and he has a terrible fear of the same happening to him. Anyway, I realized I came on too strong, but I really quickly fell for this guy. I didn't tell him that, and I backed off a bit. He had a busy schedule at work the next few weeks, and my dad passed away during that time as well (it was not a surprise, it was sadly a long time coming from heart disease) and I thought it was over between the two of us and started to forget about him. Since we work so close together, I ended up walking to my parking garage just as he was locking up his store and I waved to him and kept walking, not wanting to be annoying or clingy seeming. To my surprise, I heard him call my name from behind as I was almost about to turn into the door to the garage. We talked for about 15 minutes there on the sidewalk and I asked him absentmindedly if he'd like to get drunk on good wine with me sometime after I returned from my visit home. He asked why I was going home for a bit and I told him about my dad very quickly. I didn't want to have a pity party so I changed the subject, and he ended it with him telling me to let him know when I was back so we could go for drinks. That was a week ago, I returned to work today and wanted to ask him over to my place, which I've never done, for drinks this weekend. I know this is silly and I'm overthinking this, but I just don't want to scare this guy away again so I want to be low key. I can't hang out next few weekends as I'm out of town for work, but I don't want to text him and be passive about it, as he is not a big texter. But I also don't want to go into his work and seem like a weirdo (he manages a high end gallery). What do you guys think is best? How should I ask in a low key way? I truly believe he is interested, he came after me after all, but I am so scared I'll mess this up. This is so not like me. Any help is greatly appreciated.
travelbug1996 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Dont ask. Fall back and let him come to you. YOu have already done enough. YOu're gonna mess around and give him some and it will all go to ****. Please fall back. Let him pursue. I don't think he's that interested but the only way you will find out is to let him come to you.
Author bluetulip17 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Dont ask. Fall back and let him come to you. YOu have already done enough. YOu're gonna mess around and give him some and it will all go to ****. Please fall back. Let him pursue. I don't think he's that interested but the only way you will find out is to let him come to you. The only reason being I want to ask is because he asked me to let him know when I'm back, should I just tell him I'm back in town then? I think he's somewhat interested, he doesn't park in my garage and bikes home, he came after me after he saw me that day, I have to think he has some interest or he would not have spoke to me last week.
Assasda Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 First of all OP, stop trying to use your 2 cents home psychology, on the guy, (talking about commitment issues). Stop trying to read his mind, so you can feel like you 1-upped him. You know that you came on strong, own up to it. What you do is you go over to his work when you have time, you check out his gallery or whatever, then you ask him to have wine with you. If youre a brave girl, you'll try to to touch him or give him a kiss. Thats basically it
Author bluetulip17 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 First of all OP, stop trying to use your 2 cents home psychology, on the guy, (talking about commitment issues). Stop trying to read his mind, so you can feel like you 1-upped him. You know that you came on strong, own up to it. What you do is you go over to his work when you have time, you check out his gallery or whatever, then you ask him to have wine with you. If youre a brave girl, you'll try to to touch him or give him a kiss. Thats basically it I did own up to it, I said in my original post I know I came on too strong, thats why I'm here looking for advice so I don't make that mistake again. Also, I never said I was trying to psychoanalyze the dude, but he told me black and white, he has commitment issues big time. I didn't fantasize that in my psychologist-wannabe head lol. He opened up about why he has those issues and he also told me, word for word, if he senses a woman wants too much too soon, he backs off quickly. I have no problem going into his gallery, just don't want to embarrass him or seem desperate. Thanks for the advice, I do need to just be brave,
Emilia Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 he has commitment issues big time. I didn't fantasize that in my psychologist-wannabe head lol. He opened up about why he has those issues and he also told me, word for word, if he senses a woman wants too much too soon, he backs off quickly. Explain to me why you want this guy please? Apart from your self-esteem issues, obviously. Why want someone who doesn't want you? Sorry I don't think I understand. 2
Author bluetulip17 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Explain to me why you want this guy please? Apart from your self-esteem issues, obviously. Why want someone who doesn't want you? Sorry I don't think I understand. I wasn't looking for negativity, just on how to ask him out again. And yes, I have self esteem issues, if you don't lucky you. I came here looking for advice not criticism. We had a great time the times we hung out, he would text me afterwards and say so, and told me in person quite a few times how much he enjoyed my company. I like him as a person, thats why I'm interested in seeing him again.
clia Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 In my opinion, asking this guy over to your house to get drunk is going to send the wrong message if you actually want a relationship with him. That screams "Come over and have sex with me!" If you must do drinks, go out somewhere. I don't see why you want to pursue a guy with commitment issues because it is only going to lead you down a road of heartache (he isn't going to change), but I think your approach should merely be to text him to let him know you are back in town and to leave it at that, since that is what he asked you to do. Don't ask him out. If he wants to go out for drinks with you, he knows how to ask. 3
Versacehottie Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Here is my advice: play the game. Sometimes what most commitment-phobes need is a dose of their own medicine to be a kick in the ass. He has to be unsure whether or not he "has" you. Date other guys, don't worry if he finds out, still be nice as pie but treat him nonchalantly and most definitely tease him when you talking to him so it is CLEAR that he is not on a pedestal and you DO NOT think he is all that. I can't guarantee that this will work because timing may already be a problem but it is your best chance--being nice and pursuing him are guaranteed NOT to work. Commitment-phobes=guys who like a challenge. These guys get hyped by a girl by the very fact that they are not sure or not if she is obtainable. If anything, don't worry about the outcome, this is EXCELLENT practice for the next guy that comes along. Which btw, you should start practicing on randoms if you don't believe me.
pteromom Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 If you just wanted to sleep with him or have a FWB thing with him, I would go for it. But you say: I really quickly fell for this guy. If you are having romantic feelings and a desire to build a relationship, you are probably going to just get hurt here. Just a warning. But if you just want him to come over and have drinks and have fun with him, just ask him to come over and have drinks. He'll read between the lines and know exactly what you mean. Remember, just because he is showing interest doesn't mean he's showing interest in a relationship. He may just want to hook up.
Emilia Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I wasn't looking for negativity, just on how to ask him out again. And yes, I have self esteem issues, if you don't lucky you. It's not really luck. It's more about not letting other people abuse and use me. I came here looking for advice not criticism. We had a great time the times we hung out, he would text me afterwards and say so, and told me in person quite a few times how much he enjoyed my company. I like him as a person, thats why I'm interested in seeing him again. My advice to you is not to consider to try to get close to a man who doesn't want you. My other piece of advice to you is to seek help and clarification for your self esteem issues and why you seek emotionally unavailable men who can't give you a proper fulfilling relationship. It might relate to childhood issues, how you grew up, what your parents relationship was like etc.
Eivuwan Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 I personally think you need to stop having drinking dates with him. You shouldn't be getting drunk with people you barely know and the last time you talked about your ex a lot. What makes you think it's a good idea to have another drinking date? Find something else to do.
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