Dating someone with baggage?

[k_mcc]

What is everyone's opinion on dating someone with baggage?

 

What do you guys consider "baggage"?

[BradJacobs]

Find someone to help you unpack.

[bluegreen]

Kids although i do not consider kids baggage is the almost almost always problematic ex that is baggage.

Their past could be baggage issues they did not grew up out of emotional or behavioral ( drinking gambling pot tom catting )

Family's could be baggage ( negative toxic ones )

 

Jobs where they give out their blood soul and time to and never actually get to the point of enjoying the money they make no matter how much the pile contains.

 

Friends ( moronic toxic selfish still behave like in high school kind )

 

So there all those at least in my humble opinion are considered baggage ...

[Mrin]

All depends on the size of the bag I guess. It certainly doesn't rule someone out in my book - usually. What are you thinking is baggage?

[k_mcc]

The guy I am dating is in recovery...he had a bad past, but seems okay now. He also has a child with a not so sane ex girlfriend. Of course, the child is not the problem. Just not sure if i am willing to give this guy a chance or not..

 

Everything seems so great about him besides his baggage/past

[saltyfishhead666]

What is everyone's opinion on dating someone with baggage?

 

What do you guys consider "baggage"?

 

I am a woman with children, neither of the fathers are around due to choice and that's fine by me.

 

From dating men who are fathers, I typically find the baggage is the ex, unless it's a happily amicable situation which is rare.

[Gaeta]

Having baggage is not always a negative thing, on the contrary I see it as something positive. Someone with baggage is someone that has lived and has some experience into him. He's not new at life and has figured out a few things for himself.

 

If you're 20 and starting in life you would like to meet someone with no baggage so you can discover life together on the same level, but for someone older like 35 + you do want people that have lived and have a good baggage of experience in them.

[Mrin]

Just reread the OP. Ok, things I consider baggage or quasi baggage:

 

No Big Deal - handbags

1. Kids: I actually see them as an benefit - not baggage

 

2. Divorce: if they're over it, not a big deal. In fact, I kinda want someone who has been through it and doesn't harbor all sorts of fairytale marriage misconceptions

 

3. Past Relationships: Unless it also involves a category below, I don't hold someone's past against them. Heck, you get old enough and everyone has some baggage here.

 

Debatable - carry ons

1. Past Abuse: was she abused mentally/physically/emotionally/sexually in the past? I've been in great relationships with women who have unfortunately been victim one or all of those four. It all depends on the level of "scars" left. Definitely not a dealbreaker unless she is so traumatized that she can't be in a productive relationship. I also have no problems adjusting my behavior or expectations due to her life experiences. That's what people who care about each other do.

 

2. Financial: This can be a deal breaker depending on the severity or it can be just something else that you deal with

 

3. Drugs: I see this different than addiction. Depending on the nature of the drugs and the when

 

4. Ex's: It would have to be a pretty toxic ex to make this a deal breaker in my book

 

5. Infidelity: If she's been unfaithful in the past, it isn't a dealbreaker depending on the circumstances

 

6. Criminal History: Again, depends on the circumstance and nature of the crime.

 

7. Physical Illness: depends on what. Asthma, epilepsy, diabetes, cancer in remission, heart disease - those I can deal with. Terminal illness - not so much. Physical impairment - paraplegic, blindness, deafness, that's a case by case basis as I don't really have a frame of reference.

 

8. Extended Family: Are they toxic? Are they going to play a role in her life and consequentially my life? If it is bad enough then ya, dealbreaker.

 

Dealbreaker Baggage - steamer trunks

1. Addiction: Unless it is nicotine or caffeine, i'm sorry, I can't risk my children, even if they're clean and sober.

 

2. Mental Issues: depression aside (common and treatable), a mental illness is a deal breaker for me. Again, the kids thing.

 

3. HIV: sorry

 

4. Sever Anger Issues: I pretty much see this in the mental illness category

[Mrin]

The guy I am dating is in recovery...he had a bad past, but seems okay now. He also has a child with a not so sane ex girlfriend. Of course, the child is not the problem. Just not sure if i am willing to give this guy a chance or not..

 

Everything seems so great about him besides his baggage/past

 

What was the addiction? Do you have kids?

[bluegreen]

Just reread the OP. Ok, things I consider baggage or quasi baggage:

 

No Big Deal - handbags

1. Kids: I actually see them as an benefit - not baggage

 

2. Divorce: if they're over it, not a big deal. In fact, I kinda want someone who has been through it and doesn't harbor all sorts of fairytale marriage misconceptions

 

3. Past Relationships: Unless it also involves a category below, I don't hold someone's past against them. Heck, you get old enough and everyone has some baggage here.

 

Debatable - carry ons

1. Past Abuse: was she abused mentally/physically/emotionally/sexually in the past? I've been in great relationships with women who have unfortunately been victim one or all of those four. It all depends on the level of "scars" left. Definitely not a dealbreaker unless she is so traumatized that she can't be in a productive relationship. I also have no problems adjusting my behavior or expectations due to her life experiences. That's what people who care about each other do.

 

2. Financial: This can be a deal breaker depending on the severity or it can be just something else that you deal with

 

3. Drugs: I see this different than addiction. Depending on the nature of the drugs and the when

 

4. Ex's: It would have to be a pretty toxic ex to make this a deal breaker in my book

 

5. Infidelity: If she's been unfaithful in the past, it isn't a dealbreaker depending on the circumstances

 

6. Criminal History: Again, depends on the circumstance and nature of the crime.

 

7. Physical Illness: depends on what. Asthma, epilepsy, diabetes, cancer in remission, heart disease - those I can deal with. Terminal illness - not so much. Physical impairment - paraplegic, blindness, deafness, that's a case by case basis as I don't really have a frame of reference.

 

8. Extended Family: Are they toxic? Are they going to play a role in her life and consequentially my life? If it is bad enough then ya, dealbreaker.

 

Dealbreaker Baggage - steamer trunks

1. Addiction: Unless it is nicotine or caffeine, i'm sorry, I can't risk my children, even if they're clean and sober.

 

2. Mental Issues: depression aside (common and treatable), a mental illness is a deal breaker for me. Again, the kids thing.

 

3. HIV: sorry

 

4. Sever Anger Issues: I pretty much see this in the mental illness category

 

 

 

 

Explained perfectly

[AncientEchos]

None of us get to a certain age without getting some heartache and bumps and bruises out of this thing we call life. Our life paths will take many twists and turns, its up to us to determine how we learn and grow from those experiences. We all have 'baggage', you just need to learn who is carrying theirs around with them and who has sorted through it, folded it neatly and put it away. That will be the difference between a hot mess and life experience.

[soccerrprp]

Holy schmoly. I'm dating a woman with some "baggage." I mean stuff that many would try to avoid at all cost, but the difference is that I recognize that we all have our demons, skeletons and I also recognize that we being together ONLY enhances us, not diminish. Another important thing is that as long as that "baggage" does not affect the present and future, I am willing to take the chance.

 

But, my idea of TOLERABLE baggage may differ from others.

[GemmaUK]

Just reread the OP. Ok, things I consider baggage or quasi baggage:

 

No Big Deal - handbags

1. Kids: I actually see them as an benefit - not baggage

 

2. Divorce: if they're over it, not a big deal. In fact, I kinda want someone who has been through it and doesn't harbor all sorts of fairytale marriage misconceptions

 

3. Past Relationships: Unless it also involves a category below, I don't hold someone's past against them. Heck, you get old enough and everyone has some baggage here.

 

Debatable - carry ons

1. Past Abuse: was she abused mentally/physically/emotionally/sexually in the past? I've been in great relationships with women who have unfortunately been victim one or all of those four. It all depends on the level of "scars" left. Definitely not a dealbreaker unless she is so traumatized that she can't be in a productive relationship. I also have no problems adjusting my behavior or expectations due to her life experiences. That's what people who care about each other do.

 

2. Financial: This can be a deal breaker depending on the severity or it can be just something else that you deal with

 

3. Drugs: I see this different than addiction. Depending on the nature of the drugs and the when

 

4. Ex's: It would have to be a pretty toxic ex to make this a deal breaker in my book

 

5. Infidelity: If she's been unfaithful in the past, it isn't a dealbreaker depending on the circumstances

 

6. Criminal History: Again, depends on the circumstance and nature of the crime.

 

7. Physical Illness: depends on what. Asthma, epilepsy, diabetes, cancer in remission, heart disease - those I can deal with. Terminal illness - not so much. Physical impairment - paraplegic, blindness, deafness, that's a case by case basis as I don't really have a frame of reference.

 

8. Extended Family: Are they toxic? Are they going to play a role in her life and consequentially my life? If it is bad enough then ya, dealbreaker.

 

Dealbreaker Baggage - steamer trunks

1. Addiction: Unless it is nicotine or caffeine, i'm sorry, I can't risk my children, even if they're clean and sober.

 

2. Mental Issues: depression aside (common and treatable), a mental illness is a deal breaker for me. Again, the kids thing.

 

3. HIV: sorry

 

4. Sever Anger Issues: I pretty much see this in the mental illness category

 

I would like to add jealousy and insecurity issues to this.

[Mrin]

I would like to add jealousy and insecurity issues to this.

 

Good addition. Do they go into the "carry ons" section depending on severity or straight to the "steamer trunks" for you?

[crederer]

Everyone has some baggage so to speak.

 

In my experience someone that is not over an ex, or has been extremely abused are very difficult to get along with and I've basically decided I'm done with that stuff.

[D.Mc.]

Hi, yes everyone winds up w/"baggage" of some kind or another, just from living a life. The question is do they have to travel w/it all the time? Can they put it down, take out what they need & put the rest away in a closet? (a "not so sane ex" who is the mother of his child is going to be full time baggage). I hope you have good luck w/your relationship & being supportive of his recovery.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I don't know actually. Baggage is perceived to be such a negative thing. I would prefer someone who has WORKED through their baggage " finding someone to help you unpack" is not ideal. We are responsible for our own baggage. I'm going through counselling at the moment because of my "baggage" rather I have the baggage of not having a lot of relationship experience! that is BAGGAGE. Because relating to someone who has had an ex wife and two kids is quite hard for the person to relate to who has been single for more than a decade. So I would prefer someone who has been singe for quite a while who has learnt to deal with his stuff on his own without the neediness of someone to help him unpack. I don't want to be someones mother. I'm mothering myself.

 

 

 

 

Also expriences are important, I have travelled in my time and being really independent and gone all around Europe and Asia. I find someone "looking" for a relationship and looking at you for their next relationship really unattractive.

 

 

It's hard to find someone that is on the save wave length as you, baggage or not.

 

 

A lot of woman ( like me) who do not know what it's like to be treated well by a man,will bring baggage as they will always be sceptical of the guy who is being nothing but nice to them.

 

 

It's exhausting be a human being!

[swhiteford01]

The guy I like:

 

1. apparently took a lot of coke in his heyday and 'fried his brain.' Has recovered and is retiring after a 20+ year career in law;

 

2. has a child. she's a sweet 8 year old. You'd have to accept her as it's obviously a deal breaker for him;

 

3. is in the process of divorce. Papers filed, ex seeing someone else.

 

What do y'all think?

[Andy_K]

From dating men who are fathers, I typically find the baggage is the ex, unless it's a happily amicable situation which is rare.

 

A curious one this. As a guy with a kid (who I see regularly), I find I'm often dismissed due to fears about drama, despite the fact there isn't any. Ex is married and with child number 2 (3rd on the way), we've never had any disagreements about custody, maintenance, etc, nothing. Is this that rare? If so, how best to avoid being prejudiced against?

[Hopeful30]

To me baggage is the following:

 

Kids

Divorced

Not over an ex

Extremely insecure (I don't wanna deal with that)

Problems with government (either no papers or criminal past)

Debt

[Hopeful30]

Good list.

 

I would also add:

 

Bitter / angry

Substance abuse issues

Mental Issues

Physical Illness

Unemployed

Bad Credit

 

I agree with most of these, but the reason I didn't include them is because, well i mean lots of us have mental issues. I'm pretty sure what you mean is if he projects those mental issues onto YOU or the relationship, and doesn't deal with it properly. In that case, I 100% agree with you (which is why I added insecure cuz oftentimes insecurities come out during relationships).

 

Physical illness... depends. If it restricts him from doing many things I would wanna do with a partner, then yes. If it's minor, I suppose I could live with it depending on how much I like the guy.

 

Substance abuse DEFINITELY. Unemployement is temporary and there may be a good reason for it, so it would depend on the situation.