Red123 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 For the BSs who have chosen to R with your WS how many times during the R process have you said you give up or wanted to? For those who have did you express that to your WS?
RightThere Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 For the BSs who have chosen to R with your WS how many times during the R process have you said you give up or wanted to? For those who have did you express that to your WS? Every day. Sometime multiple times a day. And sometimes I'm caught in the middle of staying and going. But I do not express it to anyone. Because I figure when I communicate it, that is what I'll have decided to do. It's not fair to use "That's it. I'm done" as a weapon during R. If I want to leave, I will. If I'm thinking about leaving, I'll keep it to myself until I make it an action. 8
Author Red123 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 If you don't mind me asking how far from DDay are you? Has it gotten less as time goes on?
notserene Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I am only 2 months out and every day I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. This is with a remorseful husband who is trying to rebuild my trust. The pain can be excruciating. 3
Owl Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 For the BSs who have chosen to R with your WS how many times during the R process have you said you give up or wanted to? For those who have did you express that to your WS? Never. I take that back...once, sorta. Before we chose to reconcile, while she was still 'deciding', we considered a trial seperation. I'd assumed that 'trial seperation' would be for a few months or so. When she told me she was looking at apartments with a year long lease, and was ok with that, I thought about it hard. I told her that I wasn't willing to do a "trial seperation" with a minimum length of one year. If she wanted that...I'd file for divorce, move on, and we'd see where we felt after a year based on that. Once she realized I was serious...that I wasn't willing to "wait" for a year or more...it was the eye opener that she needed. But...it wasn't a threat. It wasn't even that I was so discouraged that I 'gave up'...it was a limit on how long I was willing to wait for her to make a decision to reconcile. After that...I would never have communicated to her that I was 'giving up'. If I had...I'd have given up, and reconciliation would have been over. I don't ever threaten or make casual remarks like that...if that's how I felt, that's what would have happened. 3
dichotomy Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 When I do think about giving up, then I understand what the alternative would be....and its worse, and then I keep hoping and trying to make it better. Rinse and Repeat. 2
snappytomcat Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I lost count on how many times I said that,the road to recovery is long process and your husband needs to be patient with you,mine was and still is really patient,thats one of the things I love about him 2
Author Red123 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 I am only 2 months out and every day I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. This is with a remorseful husband who is trying to rebuild my trust. The pain can be excruciating. When you feel this way do you ever tell him the pain is so bad you think of quitting?
nightmare01 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Ive not said that. But I have thought it allot. Sometimes the weight just seems too much to carry any longer. Its just too much for anyone to do. The burden and the sadness that goes with it can seem like a mountain your carrying on your shoulders. And it just seems too much. In those times I want to give up. Just walk out the front door and keep walking until... I dont know. I feel like giving up. It does pass though. 1
Author Red123 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 I lost count on how many times I said that,the road to recovery is long process and your husband needs to be patient with you,mine was and still is really patient,thats one of the things I love about him What is his reaction to you saying it? Does he feel defeated or does he continue to support you?
notserene Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 (edited) When you feel this way do you ever tell him the pain is so bad you think of quitting? During the first couple weeks after d day I told him how hard it was, that I was in a lot of pain, but that I sincerely wanted to try to work through the pain. He did not have a "love" affair, it was about sex and attention. The OW is unstable and I know she isn't a temptation for him at this point. I don't have any doubts that he wants to be with me and wants to stay married (not the same thing of course). He is doing all of the right things, not just saying them. He has been a wonderful husband since the affair ended - I know, it's kind of ironic that they do this when they realize they might lose you. I feel like I am healing slowly but then something will trigger me and I feel like I'm collapsing. I tell him that I'm feeling down but I don't really tell him that I think it's not worth it because I haven't decided that it isn't. It's really a feeling of grief - like somebody (or something) died. Edited April 29, 2014 by notserene
Sub Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Once, about a month in. After a sleepless night that my W spent away, I was just done. Then my son crawled into bed with me, and I had a change of heart. Aside from that, my WW wavered on wanting to separate right after D-Day, to the point she put a deposit down on an apt. I was ok with it at the time, and accepted that the M was pretty much over. Then at the last minute she changed her mind and decided to stay 1
RightThere Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 If you don't mind me asking how far from DDay are you? Has it gotten less as time goes on? About 8 months since D-Day. A couple of "fake reconciliations" in there but 2 months of real reconciliation. My situation is a bit unique in that I'm well past the shock of it all. I do feel much more (for lack of a better word) numb to it all. I don't trigger hard. I just get a bit depressed. And I know it will get easier as time goes on providing we're both doing some hard work. But I know it will never be totally healed. It's a trade off. We communicate better than we ever have before. Light years ahead of what we used to do. But the trade off is I feel like I'll never be in love with her the same way I was before D-Day. Not that it's terribly worse, but it is different. 2
underwater2010 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I said it once....."i am done, go find another woman to screw because i have had it". It stemmed from my feelings of him not wanting to be around me. Think about it he was sure to be awake till all hours just so they could talk/sext. But yet he has no isuue going to bed at 9 pm because he is tired. We were also down to one car and i was dependent upon him picking me up anywhere from 10 pm - 1 am. I would freak out if i couldn't get ahold him to let him know it was time. But, yeah i said it out loud and meant it. 1
snappytomcat Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 What is his reaction to you saying it? Does he feel defeated or does he continue to support you? it kills him,that he caused so much pain,but he continues to be very supportive,and that help so much 2
Author Red123 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Thanks to everyone who replied. I really struggle with this and I wondered if its just me. I say it from time to time when the pain feels unbearable and my H gets very upset. He believes it is unfair for me to say it. It usually comes out like "I don't think I can do this anymore". I don't actually know if I mean it for our future, I just really feel like it in the moment and I feel like running. A counsellor told me that it is unfair unless its really what I mean. I guess I can see that but I still struggle to stop myself. 5 months out I guess I am still in limbo most days. I am finding support here though which I am very thankful for.
snappytomcat Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 (edited) Thanks to everyone who replied. I really struggle with this and I wondered if its just me. I say it from time to time when the pain feels unbearable and my H gets very upset. He believes it is unfair for me to say it. It usually comes out like "I don't think I can do this anymore". I don't actually know if I mean it for our future, I just really feel like it in the moment and I feel like running. A counsellor told me that it is unfair unless its really what I mean. I guess I can see that but I still struggle to stop myself. 5 months out I guess I am still in limbo most days. I am finding support here though which I am very thankful for. red,it will get better as time goes by,i never thought I could ever forgive a cheater,or even look at his face again,one thing I had to learn even though its hard as hell,is this if I want us to work out,like he does,i have to stop punishing him,and this in no way means he gets off scott free,but im at the point were I have accepted what he did,i don't excuse it in no way,i was horribly wrong,but my mc counselor said there were I believe 5 stages to grieving,and the last being acceptance,i laughed at her when she told me this,cause I said I would never accept it,and she said well then maybe you should separate now,or you will never heal,and as much as I hate to admit it,she was very right,and wise good luck to you Edited April 30, 2014 by snappytomcat meant to say it,instead of i 5
whatatangledweb Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 How many times? Countless. Yes, I told him it every time I thought it.
Author Red123 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 (edited) Thank you Snappy. I actually feel that WS with true remorse are probably punishing themselves as well. I may not be a cheater but I know I have let him down in our 17 years together and I know that when remorseful I have punished myself with guilt. So I thank you for your words and perspective. It really helps. Edited April 30, 2014 by Red123 Left out a word
Author Red123 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 How many times? Countless. Yes, I told him it every time I thought it. How does/did he respond?
snappytomcat Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Thank you Snappy. I actually feel that WS with true remorse are probably punishing themselves as well. I may not be a cheater but I know I have let him down in our 17 years together and I know that when remorseful I have punished myself with guilt. So I thank you for your words and perspective. It really helps. yes,and im a very compassionate person,i even feel bad for the truly remorseful ow/om too,but it took me a while to get to this point 1
Author Red123 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I think it'll be a while before my compassion comes for His MOW. But you never know it may come.
snappytomcat Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I think it'll be a while before my compassion comes for His MOW. But you never know it may come. I don't feel bad for his xow,i did at first but then she threatened my kids went complete phsycho,i just feel bad for some on here,when I read their stories 1
Author Red123 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 I agree. I have read some that I feel bad for too. Some of the MM they were involved with were losers and they were mislead by them. Ours however was not married woman knew the situation and no promises were made. She just won't disappear. Well maybe she will now after my H threatened to tell her H. Only time will tell. As for yours threatening the cubs. She's lucky you are a compassionate woman! 1
waterwoman Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I don't know that I ever felt that. I always felt confident we would be OK. But I sometimes wondered why I wanted to. And I sometimes doubted H's reasons for reconciling - I swallowed the OW forum mantra 'he's only doing it for the kids'. I would never have threatened to throw in the towel out loud though. He was working as hard as I was and having his own traumas too. Even now when we are genuinely doing Ok I wonder if we are some sort of freaks, throwbacks to a more restricted time when people really did marry for life - when people divorce all the time what makes us so special that we have to stay together forever? Are we just kidding ourselves? All it come down to in the end is that the pluses of staying together are greater than the minuses. 3
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