SlimJim90 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 (edited) Hey guys my girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 months. We both go to the same university. I'm 21 and shes 20. Recently we've been having problems for about three weeks now and I feel like I'm the one that's going to have to break it off. I love her with all my heart but the things shes putting me through is hurting me. I want you guys to read whats bothering me and hopefully you can tell me if breaking up with her is a good idea or if its going over board. For two months now I have been asking to meet her parents. Every time I would ask she would say "I don't know maybe" and then she would start giving me one worded responses until I switch the subject. Shes graduating with an associates degree in 2 weeks. And a few weeks ago I brought it to her attention that the graduation is going to be awkward for me because she hasn't introduce me to her parents. Her response floored me. She said that if her parents asked who I was she was going to tell them that I was a friend. And then she proceeded to tell me not to tell them that we were dating. And that I wasn't allowed to give her my present to her in front of her parents. Oh and I wasn't allowed to touch her in anyway at the graduation. Not even a hug or a simple high five. I put my foot down and told her that's completely wrong. I then asked why she hasn't told her parents about me. She just keeped saying sorry. I cooled off from that within a few hours and accepted her apology. A few days after that we were talking about facebook. I asked her if it was okay to put one of our selfies as my profile picture. She immediately said no. I asked if was cause her parents were on there and she replied with that none of her family is on there. When I asked what was wrong with me doing that since her family isn't on there she completely shut down on me by giving me one worded responses. At that point I was kind mad and I shouldn't of brought this up but I brought it to her attention that her facebook still says single. I told her it was kind of disrespectful to me to see it like that. I made it clear that I didn't mind that she wants our relationship private but I asked if she would make it blank instead of single. I got a very angry maybe. It still says single to this day And finally I found out a couple weeks ago that she goes to her recent ex boyfriends place of work once a week to talk to him. He works at a fast food restaurant that's ways away from her. Even though there is the same exact restaurant right next to her dorm. Her best friend is the one that told me. When I asked her why she was going out of her way to go to that restaurant when there is the same one right next to her. She told me it was because they made the food better. At that point I told her what I knew. She said this, "I'm not going to lie to you I'm still friends with (Ex boyfriend). Yes we do get together once a week but that's it. When we broke up we agreed we won't try to get back together again. He's just a friend. If you have a problem with it there's the door." I lied through my teeth when I told her that it didn't bother me. I didn't want to seem like I was a jealous jerk. Now I'm catching myself growing really distant with her. What do you guys think? Edited April 29, 2014 by SlimJim90
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Wow - all over the place and a lot to consider. My initial reaction is that you are over-reacting and being a bit clingy. You need to respect the boundaries set with family and such. You guys are only in your very early 20's - plenty of time to build a relationship and meet the family. I think you are pushing too much on the status stuff and family stuff. Tell her you respect her wishes but want to understand why (and then don't complain or argue about her rationale). It could be from her not being as serious as you as to her family not happy if she is dating. As for the 'status' - I wouldn't worry too much about that. Now, as for the ex - that's a whole different story. Something odd and appears not truthful about it. I'd be careful when it comes to him, but don't jump to conclusions. 1
ChooseTruth Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 For me this has red flags all over it. I would not play the keep the relationship secret game while she has her FB status as single and is seeing her ex. That's really shady imo... Find someone who openly loves you without regard for what anyone thinks. The secretive behavior is VERY worrisome. 4 months is not very long for an entire relationship. I say move on. 3
Standard-Fare Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Is it possible she has some understandable reasons for not introducing you to her family? For example could it be something like, the family is really conservative and she doesn't want them to suspect that she's having premarital sex (assuming you guys are)? Something like that might be forgivable. Another question is, would it have been logistically difficult for you to meet the parents? Like, do they live far away? Because it would be more understandable if she didn't want to go through a big ordeal of a trip to introduce you.
Author SlimJim90 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Is it possible she has some understandable reasons for not introducing you to her family? For example could it be something like, the family is really conservative and she doesn't want them to suspect that she's having premarital sex (assuming you guys are)? Something like that might be forgivable. Another question is, would it have been logistically difficult for you to meet the parents? Like, do they live far away? Because it would be more understandable if she didn't want to go through a big ordeal of a trip to introduce you. Her parents only live 30 minutes away from campus. She goes home every other weekend and I sometimes ask if I could come up for a couple hours to have to dinner with her parents and she always gets mad at me. From what I know about her parents, from what her best friend has told me, they aren't that way. Her best friend has even had fights with her cause she acting dumb with that situation. But I guess another update is do we are fighting again. I was with her at a coffee shop when one of my friends came up to me and asked if she was my girlfriend. I said yes and I introduced him to her. A couple minutes later he sent me a text asking why her profile was still set to single. Before I could reply she saw it. She got really defensive. She said that the reason its still single cause its no bodies business. I told her that I agreed but it was also disrespectful to me to have still set to single and then I asked if she would switch it to blank instead of single. I got a very angry no and then she said I was being stupid and walked out. I know facebook isnt everything and its dumb to fight about it but we've been dating for 4 almost 5 months now. Is it disrespectful that she still has it set to single?
Standard-Fare Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 What's the story with the ex? Is it possible he's related to any of this stuff? Could she be holding out on changing her FB status because she's holding out for hope on the ex, and doesn't want to anger him? Do you know if the ex had integrated into her family at all? If so she might feel embarrassed or hesitant about bringing a brand-new guy into the fold. Or maybe her family really liked the ex, and they aren't ready for a replacement. Not trying to plant paranoid seeds in your head here, just trying to put this story together based on the details you've shared.
Author SlimJim90 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 What's the story with the ex? Is it possible he's related to any of this stuff? Could she be holding out on changing her FB status because she's holding out for hope on the ex, and doesn't want to anger him? Do you know if the ex had integrated into her family at all? If so she might feel embarrassed or hesitant about bringing a brand-new guy into the fold. Or maybe her family really liked the ex, and they aren't ready for a replacement. Not trying to plant paranoid seeds in your head here, just trying to put this story together based on the details you've shared. She and her Ex dated for almost two years. In that two year period they broke up three times. From what I know the reason they would get back together was because he would beg her and she would accept him back. If I'm remembering right he broke up with her once and she broke up with him twice and the last break up she was the one that broke it off. The reason I know this is because I used to work with her Ex. As for the family they do know about him. His family and her family go to the same church. So I'm going to assume that's how they met but I really don't want to think about that. A few days after they broke up back in November her best friend introduced us. When I found out she just got out of a long term relationship I ignored her attempts to contact me. After a month I decided to give her a try and here I am 4 and half months later. I feel really dumb about the facebook thing but its hurtful when she wont even switch it to blank for me
Standard-Fare Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 OK, so she was with the ex for two years and she still sees him on a regular basis. He's still a factor in her life and he could very well be playing a role in all of these problems you're describing. My guess is that part of her is still tied to that past relationship, so she can't bring herself to officially move on -- with her Facebook status, with her family. Once she starts to formally acknowledge her relationship to you, she is also formally giving up on her ex. I could be wrong here and I don't have all the details, but it just seems to me like this guy is still having a big impact. 1
Author SlimJim90 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 OK, so she was with the ex for two years and she still sees him on a regular basis. He's still a factor in her life and he could very well be playing a role in all of these problems you're describing. My guess is that part of her is still tied to that past relationship, so she can't bring herself to officially move on -- with her Facebook status, with her family. Once she starts to formally acknowledge her relationship to you, she is also formally giving up on her ex. I could be wrong here and I don't have all the details, but it just seems to me like this guy is still having a big impact. I know he is still has an impact on her life. We were a happy couple but when she started to see him once a week a month ago that's when things began to go down hill. They also text almost every day now. I just don't know what to do. I'm hurt right now
veggirl Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 (edited) Yeah it doesn't sound like you are her boyfriend anymore, might as well make it official. I think she's interested in her ex. And tbh she just sounds really rude and immature overall. She certainly is lacking in the communication department. Her freaking out about you not wanting her to advertise herself as single is, well helloooooooooooo, MAJOR RED FLAG. And she has the audacity to blame you and act like a bitch! You need to dump her, she sounds horrible. Edited April 29, 2014 by veggirl
Standard-Fare Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I think your thread title says it all -- you need to break up with her. It's possible something good could come from that. First of all, I promise she will gain from respect for you. Because women don't respect men who allow themselves to be treated like dogs. But it's also possible she could have that lightbulb moment where she recognizes very clearly that she has treated you unfairly and needs to stop taking you for granted. I don't think you should hold out hope for that, though. This girl seems very muddled, and not ready to commit to you as a serious prospect. Breaking up with her will probably result in losing her. But you have no other choice but to do it.
Author SlimJim90 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 I'm really close to breaking up with her. I know the second I do shes going to go back to her Ex but if that's what she wants it is wrong for me to hold her back from that. Here's a small update. After the coffee shop incident I hadn't heard from her for an hour until now. She sent me a text. Here's our conversation; Her: "I don't think it's anyone on Facebook's business and that's why I don't put it on their" Me: "I understand that but for over a month now its been a slap to my face. Could you at least switch it to blank so it doesn't say single" Her: "No Facebook doesn't matter" (Which is a lie since shes on their everyday) Me: "But its disrespectful to me. I'm not asking you to go crazy with posting every detail of our relationship on their. I'm just asking you to switch it to blank so it doesn't say single anymore. Please for me? Her: "How is it disrespectful?" Me: "Its a slap to my face to see that. I know we are in a relationship and people on facebook shouldn't be involved but when you have it set to single people on their are going to assume that's true when its the furthest thing from the truth. I know you're not comfortable with putting it as in a relationship but please for me will you switch it to blank?" I sent that last message 20 minutes ago and she hasn't replied. I don't think I'm going to hear from her for a awhile now.
Mrin Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Ya. I think you might as well pull the trigger. The other thing is that she's graduating and that always causes people to close whatever chapter they're on. So ya, not sure there is anything to do but call the formality of the breakup. She sounds unpleasant anyhow.
Author SlimJim90 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Ya. I think you might as well pull the trigger. The other thing is that she's graduating and that always causes people to close whatever chapter they're on. So ya, not sure there is anything to do but call the formality of the breakup. She sounds unpleasant anyhow. She is graduating but she's coming back during the fall to work on her Bachelors. Not sure why she chose to get an Associates and then a Bachelors degree but that's what she did. It really sucks. I still lover her and I hate that shes put me in this position. I'm going to think about how I am going to break it off without hurting her feelings. Which may be impossible. I may sound dumb for this but I kind of want to give her a small chance. I am going to wait till the end of the week to see if she changes her ways if she does that's great and if she doesn't its over
dispatch3d Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 The way she fights with you is ridiculous. To me you are completely in the right not wanting her facebook status to read single. Yet all she does when you bring this up is refuses to change it then get mad and only give you one word replies. She has to be a bit more flexible with things than that, especially when she is actually in the wrong.
Author SlimJim90 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Just a little update. I haven't heard from her in 6 hours. To me that's very immature to ignore someone that you're suppose to love instead of having an adult conversation about it. I did hear from her best friend though. Apparently my girlfriend tried complaining to her about the facebook fight but ended up leaving her because her best friend told her she was in the wrong and now no one has heard from her. I have to guess shes more than likely locked in her room pouting instead of having an adult conversation about it. Whats going to kill me on the inside is not telling her good night tonight. It'll be my first time not doing that since we first met.
InnocentMan Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 The facebook crap in isolation isn't that big a deal, but when you add it up with all the other strokes she's pulling, then it doesn't look good. Going out her way to see her ex on a weekly basis, texting daily, and telling you where the door is if you don't like it, is totally disrespectful. The best hope you have of this continuing, is being a man about it, and telling her that it's not acceptable, and you will be walking through said door if she doesn't get her **** together. I think you might have been a rebound here, but additionally, she sounds like a total nightmare.
Author SlimJim90 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 Here's a big update. She sent me a text about 30 minutes ago. Here's our conversation. Her: "I don't care what other people think" Me: "Why is it a bad thing to switch it to blank? I dont understand that part." Her: "Because it doesnt matter." Me: "It does to me" Her: "It shouldnt. I'm not changing it. it doesn't matter." Me: "If time went by would you change it?" Her: "Fine, I changed it" Me: "Thank you. I know this was really stupid but you don't know how much that simple change ment to me. How do you feel about it though?" Her: "I feel like its dumb and it doesn't matter and people need to quit taking facebook so seriously. And i'm still mad." Me: "I know it was really stupid and i'm sorry about that. It makes me feel a lot better now thank you." Her: "Okay" Me: "What's wrong?" Her: "Okay" Me: "From the bottom of my heart i'm sorry. It really was stupid. I'm really happy that you changed it. Thank you so much" Her: "Okay" Me: "When you want to be a grown up about this talk to me but right now I'm tired and I'm going to bed" Her: "Im sorry. I'm done being mad. I accept your apology. How was your day" After that the conversation went normal. The only thing that was different was when she told me good night she didn't add my pet name to it. So to me that's a good sign shes still mad. I'm honestly surprised she came crawling back to me when I put my foot down. Normally when I do that she gets distant with me. I wonder why she did that?
Leigh 87 Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 She's just not into you. Many things she has done are deal breakers for those of us who have even a sliver of self respect.
veggirl Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Me: "From the bottom of my heart i'm sorry. It really was stupid. I'm really happy that you changed it. Thank you so much" WTF was that????? What are you apologizing for? And why are you acting like she friggin turned water into wine because she finally STOPPED advertising herself as SINGLE?? Are you serious? No wonder she treats you this way, you are a doormat! That was painful to read, you seriously need to work on your self-esteem, apologizing to a girl who is acting like a bitch for no reason lol come on man. so what now? Back to the status quo? 3
Chocolat Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I'm honestly surprised she came crawling back to me when I put my foot down. Normally when I do that she gets distant with me. I wonder why she did that? Huh? You apologized for this benign request 6 or 7 times (I lost count) and think that she came crawling back to you?? OP, your request that she make the R public (meeting your parents, you meeting hers) seem entirely reasonable. The Facebook stuff is noise that you shouldn't allow to drown out the real issue, which is that she has some reason for keeping you hidden. I recommend that you have a face-to-face discussion with her and learn why it is important for her that you not be acknowledged as her bf. Don't bring up Facebook. Don't apologize. Stay focused and listen carefully. 2
Eivuwan Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 First, stop having important conversations over text. Stop arguing over text. And stop apologizing when you have a point. It makes you seem like you're the one who is wrong and pushy.
Author SlimJim90 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 (edited) I suffer from low confidence. It's something I really need to work on cause when I look back at last night text messages I cringe. I completely agree with you guys I shouldn't of apologized. After reading what everyone had to say I manned up this morning. I called her and got no answer. 20 minutes later I got this text message. Her: "Hey (Pet name)! Sorry can't take any calls right now. I took an extra shift at work today. What's up?" Me: "After your shift is done today can you drop by my dorm?" Her: "Maybe. Why, whats wrong?" Me: "We need to talk" Her: "Okay.... I get off at 5 and I'll head right over. What is it we need to talk about?" Me: "Our relationship" Her: "If its about the facebook thing its over with. I changed it. No need to worry about it." Me: "It goes deeper than that." Her: "If its about (Recent Ex) I already told you we are just friends. Nothing more. Can you please tell me what we are going to talk about?" Me: "Just stop by my dorm when you get off and I'll tell you then. Okay?" Her: "Okay....I'm scared." Me: "Don't be. We are just going to talk about our relationship. I'll even go to (Our favorite deli place) to get subs so we can eat while we talk" Her: "I'm crying right now" Me: "Don't cry. It'll be okay just show up at my dorm whenever you are done with your shift and we can eat our subs and talk." Her: "Please don't give up on me. I know I haven't been the best girlfriend in the world and that's my fault. I'm willing to work at our relationship if you are?" Me: "I'll work at it if you truthfully answer all my questions I'm going to ask this evening. Okay?" Her: "Okay...I hate to ask this right now but I forgot my lunch. Can you get me something in the food court and stop by in a little bit?" Me: "Sure" After I got her lunch I went to her place of work. I prepped myself expecting to see a mess of a girlfriend, however, she was acting the same way she used to before her ex came into the picture. What I saw today was the girl I originally fell head over heels for. After 20 minutes with her she had to go back to work. She kissed me and and whispered this, "Please don't give up on me. You're the best thing that has ever happen to me." And then she left to go back to work. Right now I'm extremely conflicted. I want to break up with the girl that I've been getting the past month not the girl that I fell head over heels for. But I have a feeling she snapped out of it temporarily cause she knows what could happen this evening. My plan this evening will be if she truthfully answers my questions and I view them as valid I'll stay and work at the relationship,however, if she ever goes back to acting like she has been the past month its over. Also if she shuts down on me and starts giving me one worded responses to the questions i'm going to ask the relationship is over as well. Is that a good plan? Edited April 30, 2014 by SlimJim90
Author SlimJim90 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 (edited) Okay here's a major update. She came to my dorm on time. I sat her down and asked the following questions. -Why did she keep me a secrete to her parents -Why was the switching her facebook of single was such a big ordeal -Why did her ex come back into the picture Here's what I found out - She keeped me a secrete because shes never introduced anyone to her parents and her parents doesn't like her dating. When I asked about past relationships she claimed I'm her only second boyfriend ever. And the recent ex was okay with being a secrete. I told her I was not okay with being a secrete. She said she would of hoped that I would be okay with it but she agreed it was wrong. Shes suppose to mention something to her parents about me this weekend when she goes back home. - She got back in contact with her ex because they grew up together and are childhood friends. She felt guilty about being out of contact with him and she knew that she would see him at church when she goes back home for the summer. She thought maybe it would ease the awkwardness of seeing him every weekend. She promised me that she has no feelings for him anymore. And she promised that shes done with going to seeing him at work since it bothered me. -She had a hard time with making it blank because she was afraid of hurting her recent ex. I got mad that she would put his emotions ahead of mine. After she heard that she claimed that when she would breakup with him and change her relationship status update he would randomly run into her in public and cry. And that is why they would get back together. She didn't want him to see it and go out and find her and cry. I asked her if he knew she was dating me. She said no. My heart sank. I told her that she needs to stop giving that guy hope and tell him. She agreed and right in front of me she sent him a text telling him that shes been dating someone for 4.5 months now. He never replied. Shes worried now hes going to show up at her place of work and embarrass her. I told her that if he did to give me a call I'll drop whatever I'm doing and show him the door. She agreed that she would. After all that it was like everything went back to the way it was a month ago. We talked for an hour and it was perfect. We had makeup sex and after words we cuddled and watched a movie. I am really hoping she doesn't go back to the way she was. If she does I will have no choice but to end the relationship. But for now she back to the girl I fell head over heels for. Thank you to everyone that helped through this tough time. I'm going to work on my low confidence and I'm going to start manning up when she starts treating me like crap. Again thank you to everybody that helped me through this Edited April 30, 2014 by SlimJim90 2
Eivuwan Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Great you handled it well. Hopefully what she said was the truth and she just didn't want to deal with her ex's clingyness.
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