nightmare01 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 For WS that returned to your marriage. If you were in a LTA and loved your AP. Why did you return to your M? Do you feel the state of your M drove you to have a affair? Do you feel your M is better now than it was before your affair? thanx
frogss29 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I am a BS of a LTA and we are similar ages/marriage length etc as you so that is why I am answering. My H was flattered/attracted to the AP. Maybe, early on, he thought he loved her??? He says not....but I wonder. Their affair lasted 15 years. She used to be a friend of mine. We still saw them socially sometimes with other friends. They only saw each other occasionally. Our marriage was normal.....happy, busy, in a rut. But not bad. Life got in the way......not necessarily our marriage, but ego re work etc etc etc Once D day happened, my H was relieved. He was free!!!! Not from me, but from her. There was never a doubt he wanted to stay married. Out of the carnage of the A has emerged a much better/stronger marriage Our marriage is MUCH better now. Still have very hard time dealing with what has happened. The A is something my H does not want to think about. His obvious priority is me, or, more importantly, US. 2
snappytomcat Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I am a BS of a LTA and we are similar ages/marriage length etc as you so that is why I am answering. My H was flattered/attracted to the AP. Maybe, early on, he thought he loved her??? He says not....but I wonder. Their affair lasted 15 years. She used to be a friend of mine. We still saw them socially sometimes with other friends. They only saw each other occasionally. Our marriage was normal.....happy, busy, in a rut. But not bad. Life got in the way......not necessarily our marriage, but ego re work etc etc etc Once D day happened, my H was relieved. He was free!!!! Not from me, but from her. There was never a doubt he wanted to stay married. Out of the carnage of the A has emerged a much better/stronger marriage Our marriage is MUCH better now. Still have very hard time dealing with what has happened. The A is something my H does not want to think about. His obvious priority is me, or, more importantly, US. wow frogs,i had no idea his A lasted 15 years,im speechless
snappytomcat Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 For WS that returned to your marriage. If you were in a LTA and loved your AP. Why did you return to your M? Do you feel the state of your M drove you to have a affair? Do you feel your M is better now than it was before your affair? thanx im a bs too,but I will tell you what my xwh,husband says about his ugly A,he said he was feeling really low,depressed,he had hit rock bottom,and one of the reasons,he says is cause he felt he was out of my league,i don't know why I told him,he has a great job,makes more money,hes kind,and funny,but from what he says,as he let him self go,in his appearance,and his weight,and I work hard to eat right,and exercise. there were financial issues too,but he said this was the biggest one,and he said do you really think if i planned on having an affair it would be with someone like her?shes 12 years older,and obese,but in his mind she was more in his league,i have no idea why he would think this,even 10 months after dday,he says it was his warped way of thinking. and he said he never loved her,he loved the way she made him feel,she stroked his ego,and yes our marriage is better in a lot of ways,but i will never blindly trust him again,but now i stroke his ego a lot,as i know men need that,but i also asked for us to go to mc a couple years before dday,and asked if we were ok,he said yes just stressed at work,so on dday he begged me to work on our M
frogss29 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Snappytomcat, our situation is unusual, I think. It is the weirdest thing. It started off as a drunken kiss. Her husband had just had an affair. She was getting even. She was always obsessed with me/my family. Sick, sick , sick. So, when her husband left her, my husband assumed it was his fault and felt guilty. He was also trying to repair her/my friendship. Again, sick. Their affair didn't start immediately. It took about two years. But a friendship grew that hadn't been there before. And he was so needy. He had had a rough time and needed a big ego boost. She gave it. And, then when something finally happened, my husband felt guilty. And flattered. And trapped. But probably, very very flattered The whole thing is weird. They saw each other every few months. Sometimes, not for eight months. Or more. I can see WHY it happened. The length of time still baffles me. As I have said before, we really had a happy marriage. Not perfect. But now, in SPITE of this awful A, we are happier. MUCH happier. Relationships are difficult.
snappytomcat Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Snappytomcat, our situation is unusual, I think. It is the weirdest thing. It started off as a drunken kiss. Her husband had just had an affair. She was getting even. She was always obsessed with me/my family. Sick, sick , sick. So, when her husband left her, my husband assumed it was his fault and felt guilty. He was also trying to repair her/my friendship. Again, sick. Their affair didn't start immediately. It took about two years. But a friendship grew that hadn't been there before. And he was so needy. He had had a rough time and needed a big ego boost. She gave it. And, then when something finally happened, my husband felt guilty. And flattered. And trapped. But probably, very very flattered The whole thing is weird. They saw each other every few months. Sometimes, not for eight months. Or more. I can see WHY it happened. The length of time still baffles me. As I have said before, we really had a happy marriage. Not perfect. But now, in SPITE of this awful A, we are happier. MUCH happier. Relationships are difficult. hes one lucky man,i hope he knows this,sounds like he does wow I thought a 3 yr,long distance A was bad im happy its all working out for you 1
compulsivedancer Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 For WS that returned to your marriage. If you were in a LTA and loved your AP. Why did you return to your M? Do you feel the state of your M drove you to have a affair? Do you feel your M is better now than it was before your affair? thanx How long is a LTA to you? 1
Author nightmare01 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 How long is a LTA to you? I think whether a affair is long term or not kinda depends on how you see it. WWs LTA started as a EA with a co worker. Because its difficult to define exactly when a EA starts the length is kinda hard to pin down. But generally speaking her EA with OM went on for between 6 and 8 years. The relationship then changed to a EA/PA and went on for something over 3 years. During the EA they saw each other every day except most weekends. When the PA started they were still working together so they would have sex at least 1 time a week but it was usually more than that. At about a year into the PA we moved 2000 miles away. WW was not working then so she would fly back to "visit friends" at least 1 time a month. And those trips would typically last about 2 weeks. So about half the time she was with her OM. So I consider WWs affair a LTA. But maybe some who had their WS cheat for 15 or 20 or more years might not see it as such.
harrybrown Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 How does your WW feel about the OM now? More important, is she supportive of you?
Author nightmare01 Posted April 30, 2014 Author Posted April 30, 2014 How does your WW feel about the OM now? More important, is she supportive of you? WW says she hates OM now. She was deep in denial for a long time and so held on to *good memories* but she says she has since realized that he was just playing her and using her for sex. So she hates him for that. But in truth do any of us REALLY know what our WS are thinking or feeling? We say we want the truth. ANd we do. But when our WS tells us the truth we are hurt and cry or get angry. So they are punished for giving us what we ask for. Wouldnt this motivate our WS to sugar coat or just simply lie? 2
snappytomcat Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 WW says she hates OM now. She was deep in denial for a long time and so held on to *good memories* but she says she has since realized that he was just playing her and using her for sex. So she hates him for that. But in truth do any of us REALLY know what our WS are thinking or feeling? We say we want the truth. ANd we do. But when our WS tells us the truth we are hurt and cry or get angry. So they are punished for giving us what we ask for. Wouldnt this motivate our WS to sugar coat or just simply lie? yes none of us know what anyone is really thinking especially xws,but actions speak louder than words,as long as they are being an open book,transparent in everything,and you can clearly see remorse,thats something that truly helps,like now 10 months since dday,i do believe everything my husband has said about the affair,and xow,but it took months for me to get to this point,and at times it has not been easy 1
Davey L Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 There is only one of your questions I feel I can respond to: Do you feel your M is better now than it was before your affair? I have strong feelings on this. I have been on both sides, as BS and later WS. I have heard many people say that the affair improved their marriage. However it is almost invariably the WS that makes that claim. The reality is that it may be better for the WS but that the happiness for the WS is bought at the expense of the BS. The BS will feel pain, for years after, perhaps forever. The pain may be concealed in the interests of reconciliation, leading the WS to believe that all is well, but it is there nonetheless. My wife's affairs were undoubtedly extremely damaging, and I am under no illusions about my own - it has certainly not made things better. We are better now - it was a long time ago - but I believe we would be better today had those affairs not happened. 1
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