dealing with grief

[d0nnivain]

I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of all the deaths that have happened in my life in the past 3 years. In 18 months I lost my mom, my dog & my dad; then my childhood home was destroyed in an accident. Over the course of approximately the 2 years since my mom died, 30 other people in my life died. I was close to them all & probably saw 20 of them on a weekly basis. It was literally one almost every month for a while. I developed a severe depression & anxiety for which I am in treatment.

 

 

Things calmed down for a while. A few weeks ago my step-mother in law's father died. DH & I are planning a trip to go to the memorial service in 3 weeks because I felt it was the right thing to do.

 

 

Today I learned that a woman I love like a 2nd mom had a heart attack & is in a medically induced coma. My head knows this isn't about me. I have been trying to be there for her kids, my childhood best friends but it's dredging up all my cr@ap from my parents' deaths. This other woman is literally in the ICU unit next to the one my dad was in when he died. Having to go there completely freaked me out. I was holding it together until I saw the nurse who had taken care of my father. When she came over to talk to me, I lost it.

 

 

I'm already worried about what will happen if my 2nd mom dies when DH & I are supposed to be in another state with step-MIL. Yes, I know I have no control over it.

 

 

As I got to work & told some of my colleagues here why I was so upset, one shared that today was the one year anniversary of his mom's passing. We all agreed that today sucks.

 

 

Do you all have any suggestions about how I can cope? I want my focus to be back on the family in crisis. Help me get over myself, if that's possible.

[J2911]

Wow, I'm so sorry for all of your losses .

There is nothing I don't think that anyone can say that will ease your heart .

By all means all these deaths are in no relation to you or any punishments towards you.

It's good that you are seeking help to deal with the trauma and anxiety.

Good Lord, anyone of us would be feeling the same way as you in this situation .

Time heals all of us friend

[JDPT]

I'm very sorry to hear about all the pain you are currently going through. Be strong and keep in mind that in time and with tons of effort set forth on your behalf the pain will eventually subside, never give up and continue to power through these times.

[d0nnivain]

Still hanging on waiting for news. They started bringing her out of the coma last night. It can take up to 24 hours; it's been about 15. We are waiting to see what happened while her brain was deprived of oxygen. I'm a bit calmer -- maybe more cried out -- so I can focus on being a better friend rather than how this is affecting me, although I didn't sleep well last night.

[STM206]

I am so sorry you're going through all this. It's hard enough to lose one person, but to lose all of these people in such a short amount of time?

 

I'd love to recommend a boom to you. "How to survive the loss of love" by Harold Bloomfield

 

One day at a time and remember that things will continue to improve. Stay strong and always remember to reach out and talk to someone. <3

[d0nnivain]

Thank you STM206. I will look for the book I used to think I was a strong person but this was overwhelming. My own shrink even commented that most people don't have that many people unfriend them on FB in such a short period of time.

[Haydn]

Really sorry to hear all this Donnivain. I hope you get through this hard part of your life. Your posts are always ones i look out for. Insightful and funny.

 

Take care

 

Haydn

[Never Again]

I used to think I was a strong person but this was overwhelming.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about what you've gone through, and I sympathize whole-heartedly.

 

I also used to think I was a strong person, but so much pain and loss can make you lose touch with who you really are. Unresolved grief can cause so much turmoil. My own diagnosis was of something very much akin to PTSD, and for a short time, I was a different person to the core.

 

I don't know how much having a shrink already has helped you cope, but I'm glad that you're trying to keep tabs on yourself, who and where you want to be. I don't have much to offer in terms of solutions because I faltered and fell more that I care to admit.

 

All I can say is the following:

 

In an airplane, they often tell you to put on your own mask before helping anyone else with theirs. In situations like this, I think that guideline applies.

 

Obviously you don't want to become selfish or neglectful, but don't put your focus outside yourself entirely. Not quite yet.

 

If you focus too much on what you're "supposed" to be doing, on who you're "supposed" to be, you'll just prolong the healing process. Be selfish if you need to be, but be involved and informative. Don't shut anyone out.

 

The more you are concerned with "getting over yourself", the more you'll struggle. Take things as they come. Little things will likely become exhausting. Connecting with other people will be difficult. Numbness and apathy may come and go like the tide, but if you can retain a sense of authenticity to yourself and keep talking to others, even about your pain, it will eventually subside.

 

I wish I could be more helpful than tossing out platitudes and condolences. I hope things look brighter soon.

[d0nnivain]

Thank you all for your good wishes & support.

 

 

I sucked it up & went back to the hospital today. They are going to take her off life support tomorrow. It was so heart-wrenching to see her & to see how broken & lost her husband is but I actually feel better that I was there & said goodbye. There is still some hope that she will come around but I almost hope she doesn't because the doctors are now saying her brain damage was extensive. It's better that she pass peacefully rather than be kept alive artificially.

[axisdenied]

Hello. My heart goes out to you. I think that you have already taken an immense step forward by choosing to discuss your recent misfortune. So, do allow yourself to feel good for doing something that is good for you. The fact that you are reaching out to others suggests to me that you are looking for constructive suggestions in lieu of getting a prescription for valium or something equally destructive.

 

Meditation. Perhaps it sounds like a kooky suggestion, but I think it's a good thing for people to try regardless of their circumstance. Specifically concerning grief, though, I suspect that a few satisfactory sessions of meditation would allow for the release of the ego portion of your being, which is greatly steeped in the affects of personal relationships and general loss, and invite the experience of that part of yourself that intuitively understands and accepts death as an important part of life. At least, that is the "floo-flaw" explanation.

 

The more concrete explanation for meditation as a healing practice centers on its measurable affects on brain functioning. The interwebs can point you to many a scholarly article that suggests that meditation increases the exchange of neurotransmitters that are responsible for feelings of acceptance (GABA and dopamine, that which makes us feel "satisfied") and well-being (serotonin).

 

If nothing else, turning off all thought (or in my experience, just attempting this, as it is a very difficult thing to achieve) will give you a break from the desperation over circumstances that are beyond your control. Good luck to you and yours, and continue to be good to yourself.

 

--A

[snappytomcat]

im truly so sorry for everything you've been through,and the loss of your loved ones,i know how much it hurts to lose the ones we love,and each one takes a piece of your heart when they leave this world

[ebt100]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear this. I've actually never heard anything quite as extensive as your story. I sincerely wish you the best in coping and doing your best to keep your spirits up...