Rosie101 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 I know I was in the wrong- snooping is bad! My boyfriend and I have been dating for well over a year and a couple months back we went through some lying and snooping. Lying and breaking promises on his part and snooping through his history on my part. We both talked and got over it and I have never gone through his computer since. Lately though he has been talking to one of his long time friends. This girl seems very flirty and calls him Babe says to him she loves him, she misses him....even she wants to hug and kiss him! Now he swears they are just friends but i don't have any male friends who say that to me?? Anyways, I don't really believe my boyfriend would cheat but I gave in to stupid temptation and started going through his phone (only the messages between him and this girl) Well after a bit of an heated day, he found out I did that and freaked out. Saying I broke his trust and we will never be the same. I get that- I'm the bad guy. I feel terrible and now he has convinced that maybe i need to go see someone about my anxiety and worries. He says that he loves me very much but says he needs time to figure out what to do. I feel terrible for making him feel this way. It's been about 30 hours since and I finally gave in and texted him- might of been a mistake. What are some thing I can do to regain his trust?
darkmoon Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 he ought to put you first and tell her to go, with you next to him, anything less than this, well, I would not see good treatment, phone call, go away leave us alone hang up, problem sorted
Author Rosie101 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah I know but when I went through his messages- he wasn't really the one flirting. When he is ready to talk, I will bring up how jealous this girl makes me feel. Right now, I just want to figure out ways to bring trust back into our relationship.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah I know but when I went through his messages- he wasn't really the one flirting. When he is ready to talk, I will bring up how jealous this girl makes me feel. Right now, I just want to figure out ways to bring trust back into our relationship. If you have no trust you have no relationship If she's flirting with him it's down to him to put her in her place. He's clearly not done that otherwise she wouldn't be carrying on. Looks like your boyfriend likes the attention and when busted makes you the bad guy... I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him either 2
darkmoon Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 you must apologise to him and treat him to a lavish lovely wrapped gift, like a really good Christmas present, i can think of no other way to get back into his good books, i think that too
Author Rosie101 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah I get that. He just texted me back and told me he is just going to take more time to think. I dunno sounds pretty much like a break up to me. I guess all I can do it wait for him to be ready to talk to me? Honestly I feel like the who space thing is just damaging us more.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah I get that. He just texted me back and told me he is just going to take more time to think. I dunno sounds pretty much like a break up to me. I guess all I can do it wait for him to be ready to talk to me? Honestly I feel like the who space thing is just damaging us more. Just leave him too it Hun, if he wants to sulk let him sulk don't contact him. As messed up looking through someone's phone is, there was clearly doubt and if that doubt confirmed something which it did it's his fault, He's just annoyed that he's busted and projecting it on to you. 1
Author Rosie101 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah it's going to be hard but I'll just distract myself. I can only try to work on myself and hope for the better. Thank you.
ChooseTruth Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 If you have no trust you have no relationship If she's flirting with him it's down to him to put her in her place. He's clearly not done that otherwise she wouldn't be carrying on. Looks like your boyfriend likes the attention and when busted makes you the bad guy... I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him either I have to agree with mummy here. I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. There are lots of people in this world who wish they had searched HARDER for the truth. Your BF probably shouldn't have even responded to this girl when she started talking about kissing and love, unless it was to tell her to back off. 1
Author Rosie101 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah I agree with that. He just makes me feel so guilty and honestly isn't helping my anxiety with this space thing. With each day that passes, I feel myself getting more angry and I don't want that.
ChooseTruth Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah I agree with that. He just makes me feel so guilty and honestly isn't helping my anxiety with this space thing. With each day that passes, I feel myself getting more angry and I don't want that. and I think this is because YOUR trust is broken. Which is an issue he seems to be ignoring.
Author Rosie101 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Yes exactly. Obviously we both have to re build trust. I am more then willing to do that for this man. He just texted me telling me he is depressed and finally asked when I would want to talk. I think it's better if we talk sooner then later....right?
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 You know what they say. When one half is guilty they usually push that guilt on to the other half to deflect it. I can confirm that does happen. Don't beat yourself up, have a glass of wine instead
Author Rosie101 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 So true. Oh- I've had many. He said he'll talk to me later this week. Well it's something. Can't promise I'll feel guilty and not a little pissed by that time but if that's what he wants to do then I have to respect that.
Mrin Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 So not to make you feel bad but I don't agree entirely with the other posters in this thread. If I understand correctly, all that your BF did (this time - you didn't go too much into your past issues) is have a flirty female friend and not shut her down/out right? But he didn't flirt back and didn't hook up with her. Yet you snooped through his phone and invaded his privacy. I kinda don't see what he did broached some level of trust or at least not on the same magnitude as going trough his phone. I know for me, that breach of trust would seriously damage a relationship. I don't want to have to watch my phone, computer whatever when I am around the person with whom I am in a relationship. I would expect her to honor my privacy and vice versa. So I don't begrudge your BF for reacting like he did. I'm also not sure how or if I could regain trust in you. For one, everything would be password protected with a very short idle lock on it from now on. Sorry, not good news but that's my take.
Author Rosie101 Posted April 29, 2014 Author Posted April 29, 2014 Yeah and I get that but this whole ordeal has made me realize that we both have trust issues from a previous ordeal with him liying. I've already apologized a million times and I know it will take time and effort. I have even made an appointment to a counselor that my friend told my about. I'm going to do everything I can to make up for the wrong I did. Not only will this help my relationship I feel but it will also help myself. Thank-you though, i agree with you.
ChooseTruth Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 So not to make you feel bad but I don't agree entirely with the other posters in this thread. If I understand correctly, all that your BF did (this time - you didn't go too much into your past issues) is have a flirty female friend and not shut her down/out right? But he didn't flirt back and didn't hook up with her. Yet you snooped through his phone and invaded his privacy. I kinda don't see what he did broached some level of trust or at least not on the same magnitude as going trough his phone. I know for me, that breach of trust would seriously damage a relationship. I don't want to have to watch my phone, computer whatever when I am around the person with whom I am in a relationship. I would expect her to honor my privacy and vice versa. So I don't begrudge your BF for reacting like he did. I'm also not sure how or if I could regain trust in you. For one, everything would be password protected with a very short idle lock on it from now on. Sorry, not good news but that's my take. Password protecting and a shorter idle lock would raise more suspicions and destroy more trust. If you have nothing to hide, what do you care? On the other hand, being in a relationship where you feel you have to check up and play a kind of "parent" role is not healthy. My ex used to complain I needed to be her father after I knew she had been cheating....and she was right. There wasn't enough done to restore my trust and I couldn't go on playing policeman. It had to end.
Mrin Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 That's absolutely the right thing to do for as you say, both your relationship and yourself. Ya I didn't want to get into the lying thing in the past as there weren't details but that is definitely something that he needs to address and find a way to restore your trust as well. Trust is a weird animal. Especially for me. An astoundingly long time ago I caught my college GF in a lie. It was a big lie. She had slept with someone during the second month of us exclusively dating. I figured out the lie about 20 mos later. So water under the bridge right? Nope. I became a CSI level sleuth and took snooping to a new low. It was like an addiction. It was awful. I mean you name it I did it. Snooped in her trash at her apartment. Read her diaries - I know right?!? Looked at her phone bills. Of course I discovered quite quickly that she was shacking with someone else and had been for some time. But here's the thing - I could not quit. I mean I should have just confronted her and walked away. But for two weeks I kept on digging out of some perverse masochistic fascination. I remember re-reading her diary entry where she basically compared and contrasted me with her lover. Finally I snapped myself out of it, pulled my best Sherlock Holmes accusation and told her to get the hell out if my life. But here is the thing - since then in all of the relationships I have been in, I have never snooped again and when I ever felt the strong urge, I either ended the relationship or had a very frank conversation. I never want to ever get hooked on the "snooping" drug again. So now I kinda go overboard in my boundaries and respecting those of my GF's. For instance, I was married for 12 years and never looked in my ex wife's bedside table drawer, or any of her drawers, or phone, or computer, or purse, or desk. But we did have an incredibly open and trusting relationship so I never felt the urge or need. Anyhow, I hope you can create an open and trusting relationship with your BF. Good luck! 2
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