birdstealingbread Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 This question is mainly for the guys - but female input is always much appreciated as well! My best friend's boyfriend frequently makes very admiring comments about Gwen Stefani and other what he calls "exotic-looking" women in Hollywood. My friend looks nothing like these women. Yeah, I know, not every guy gets a Pam Anderson or Britney Spears. I also know every guy makes these sort of remarks - and I freely admit my girl friends and I are just as guilty when it comes to men. Anyway. What really worries me is that in addition to making those comments, he has also repeatedly suggested that my friend "change things up" and dye her hair red, get contacts, etc. If she is hurt, he quickly insists that he likes her just the way she is, to forget it. But it keeps happening, and it's making people uncomfortable. She tries to make a joke of it, but my friend has confided in me that his suggestions are only making her feel insecure and self-conscious. If he says these things in front of our friends, I wonder what he says when they're alone! Aside from this - well, quirk - she says she is happy with him. And so are we, her friends. He has proven an otherwise demonstrative and affectionate boyfriend. She's been through a lot these past few months and he has been there for her. Another friend of ours suggested that he could be getting tired of playing the boyfriend and wants out. I'm really hoping our guy friend just needs a lesson in sensitivity, but could he really be saying all this in a roundabout attempt to drive her away? I'm friends with them both, and I think I'm too close to solve this one!
CurvyGurl Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 Has she tried saying it with a bat? Sorry, bad joke. But he's not getting it....because she is not being straightforward. It's not a joke to her, its insulting. But perhaps they can meet in the middle. If he will stop making jokes, will she buy an exotic wig and play 'Gwen Stefani' him?
lynnered Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 it sounds like its just the way he is, i dated a guy like that &it was just his way of playing around ,but he's not going to change so if she cant handle it she needs to dump him.
JoL Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 He just sounds really insensitive. A lot of guys can be that way. I have a friend whos boyfriend makes similar comments about movie stars and how that movie stars legs are nicer and this movie stars hair is a nicer colour.. At the end of the day, he wouldnt like it if someone was doing it to him, now would he? "Oh look at Brad Pitt..Now why cant YOU have arms like that honey??" or.."wow..that porn star has a really big ding dong! Why isnt YOURS like that?" Basically, this guy needs to learn to respect his girlfriend and love her AS SHE IS! otherwise, if he isnt careful she will eventually want to find someone who DOES! Your friend needs to make it super-duper clear to this guy that she wont tolerate anymore of his hurtful comments..not only does it upset her, it brings her down in front of everyone else too. If he cant change his ways, she might want to consider changing boyfriends. His attitude stinks. He is lucky she hasnt dumped his ass yet, a lot of girls wouldnt be so forgiving!
P1xie Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 My boyfriend does the same thing. I don't get it either because is a guy likes a certain look why don't he go for that look instead of trying to change the person he is with. I'm pathetic though...I've bleached my brown hair, wear blue contacts and straighten my wavy hair to live up to his expectations but even after all this he still makes his comments at times. There are some things that I won't change, big one being my boob size. He says it's fine but he's the first to be making comments of Pamela Anderson and his WWE wrestler Torrie Wilson. My advice (and I too should listen) is **ck him be yourself.
JoL Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Pixie, you are a really pretty girl from your pic, dont let your bf bring you down! so many guys would be aprpeciative of your looks instead of critical, your boyfriend is out of his mind I have to say, ive never been with a guy who has made me feel bad about my looks i can only imagine how hurtful it can be. I honestly believe this sort of behaviour from boys towards their gfs (or vice versa) can have a really damaging affect on self esteem, not just now, but in the long run too. Personally, I am secure in my looks and that has been helped by the boys i have been with too. Im lucky, all my boyfriends have been really into my appearance at all times..even at my pimpliest, chubbiest..whatever!! Im not super-hot or anything..im not ugly either, i would say im attractive enough..im a petite brunette and i know i have little love handles and a squishy tummy.so im definately not perfect!! But every guy ive dated has always told me how gorgeous, sexy and great i look..which made me feel secure and happy to be around him. I am confident in my appearance, but hearing it from your bf makes a differnece too. My boyfriends NEVER made sexual comments about girls in front of me. The most i heard any boyfriend say in front of me is "aw yeah, alyssa milano is hot!" to which i agreed! but i have never heard a guy pick apart a celebrity and say "why dont YOU look as hot as her?" OUCH! Even at times where i have gained a couple of pounds, my boyfriend at the time has never EVER said lose some weight! If i said to him "i think i should lose some weight and get fit" Ive had mixed responses from different boyfriends.. "dont be stupid, youre damn sexy the way you are"..."if you like, i dont think you need to"....."i love your body how it is, dont change a thing" i was with one guy for 2 years and went through various stages of convincing myself i needed to lose weight. He would get REALLY upset if i said i was going to cut down on food and diet..he would tell me how INSANE i was and how girls would kill for a body like mine and how great i looked (love handles and all)...and believe me it feels GREAT to have your partner make you feel secure about your looks. And the same went for when they made comments about their own looks. I would always be positive and complimentary..because i DID love them the way they were. I would never say "oh look how hot that guy is..more men should look like that"...i know it hurts peoples feelings to feel "not good enough".. I have a friend whos boyfriend has made hurtful comments about her appearance and she has grown even more secure about certain body parts. Seriously girls, men like this will only keep getting worse. They look at celebrities but remember- they are also plenty of "Real" girls out there too that they probably perve on as well. Do you feel comfortable about that?!
Groovy Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 I'd say dish out what he gives! I'm sure he has some back hair, balding, a little bit of a tummy or his arms could be toned up a bit. Maybe she should point it out in front of his friends. Well, that's what I'd do but it would probably end up terminating the relationship. I'd say try to work it out in a diplomatic manner but if he can get it what should she do, stay in a friendship ridden with insensitivity?
P1xie Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Thank you JoL. He does say I'm beautiful but then on the other hand he told me that if I was ever to get in an accident and my face was destroyed it would be ok because he would just glue a picture of Torrie Wilson to my head. I was so mad. He said he was joking but behind every joke it the truth.
WalkingTall Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Originally posted by P1xie My boyfriend does the same thing. I don't get it either because is a guy likes a certain look why don't he go for that look instead of trying to change the person he is with. My advice (and I too should listen) is **ck him be yourself. I hope this doesn't bring up a whole other issue, but there are many guys who "settle" in on way or another. What I mean is that they think this person is the best they can do... for now. We as men are always more visual when it comes to being turned on, and this could be something that is a sexual fantasy, not a wish you were her type thing. I love the way my GF looks, and she changes clothes, hair, make-up as she sees fit. I love her choices and style so it's no issue for me. I chose her for who she is, not who I want her to be.
P1xie Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 That is exactly how I feel. Like he is just settling for me. It seems the girls he checks out or fantasizes about are the complete opposite of me. If he prefers blondes he should of went for a blonde and I shouldn't of changed for him because I am resentful about it.
lynnered Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 u are beautiful pixie so don't let it bother you but like i was saying my x was like that ,one time he said i wish your tits were bigger ,i said i wish your d*** was bigger he got offended !!!& i told him i only said it cause your said that . and also his you have a body like a porn star except for your tits i told him you know what buy me some then ,i think alot of it is what they see from porn &its like for some guys if you were perfect they'd find something to pick at
Mr Spock Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Forgive my ignorance but who is Torrie Wilson (don't have cable, and if it's porn I never pay attention to names)
WalkingTall Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Originally posted by P1xie That is exactly how I feel. Like he is just settling for me. It seems the girls he checks out or fantasizes about are the complete opposite of me. If he prefers blondes he should of went for a blonde and I shouldn't of changed for him because I am resentful about it. I know everyone is different so don't take this too seriously. Before I met the woman who is everything to me, I used to check out other women, and honestly didn't know I was doing it until I would get an elbow in the ribs But one thing that my GF said to me was that not once did she see me looking at another woman. She told me that she feels all my attention is on her all the time. It's been almost 2 years and she still astounded. I am as well to a point, but I will just say I have never felt so immensely fulfilled and satisfied with a partner in my life. Is that the reason why I don't look at other women? I don't know, but our time together is soooo valuable to me, I cherish each moment with her and look forward to the next. Could it be that "window shopping" is really harmless or just a prelude to finding a better model?
WalkingTall Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock Forgive my ignorance but who is Torrie Wilson (don't have cable, and if it's porn I never pay attention to names) She is a wrestler in the WWE..... Blonde, athletic body, and unnaturally perky...... eyes
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